I'm waiting
In the indigo darkness
To find myself
The way I used to be
How I look in the photos without the filters
The smile that came so naturally
Forget the hair and nails
The makeup on fleek
Even my posture was strong
My balance sturdy
Body a structure
Of youth and innocence
A navigation system
Of wonder and enlightenment
I was the antidote
The Messiah
Of all my problems
Once a beacon of light
Now an abandoned Lighthouse
My mind a labyrinth

I'm afraid one day
I'll take it too far
And hurt you
When you trust me the most

It's what I do best
I'm crazy and dumb and out of control
So don't trust me
Don't believe a word I say

Keep your distance
And we'll both be okay
You'll see I'm unreliable
One day I'll push you away

It's not because I want to see you cry
I just have a way of messing things up
Taking it too far
Until its too late to go back

And I'll want to fix it so bad
I'll want to promise your pain away
I'll want to fight your demons
But I'm the one who needs to be slayed

Take this cloth
And wipe the surface 
Use it as a blanket 
Garment or accessory 

To some a disposable 
Maybe a fashionable memory 
For others it becomes 
Their identity 

A reflective
Representation 
Of meaningless 
Merged with sacred

Some days I want to do nothing but write
Grab the moment
Dwell in it for life
Fingers that itch to bleed letters
So I let them fall
From a mind that buzzes with nothing but white noise until it can be seen before me
I can hear non existent conversations
Words that make new meanings
Until meaningless starts to make sense
And I wish I could feed on it
But then I remember how it will leave me
Alone and mute
Some days nothing comes to mind
And I wonder if that part of me has died
One hit wonders
It happens all the time
I'll still write
No quality
It lacks shine
Leaving discontent behind
And I long for old times
Still it's mine
It deserves a post
To those words I can't be unjust
Then like a whirlwind tornado
Something unexpected will set me off
The ball starts rolling
And I'll write words in the air with my fingers
Committing them to memory
Bringing them to life
And that is when you too
Can feel the passion

I chase happiness into the depths of the night
And search for it on eBay and Amazon
I light a fire trying to find the light
But bring destruction upon myself
I spend the weekends working out why it's so simple but so complicated
That I found a home for my body in yours
And there isn't a greater anchor than that of a human
I confessed my love like a secret
That never got to be told
It wrapped around you like a rumour
You couldn't believe to be true
I stated it like a fact
A breed between a noun and a verb
Yet I am mute
And your hands were my subtitles
I can now say I have a heart because I can feel it breaking
I can now say that people are not medicine
I am able to taste history and remember things that never happened
The coldness in my heart never leaves from my tongue
I keep the worst of us close to myself

Her insides reflect broken shards
Digging corsets 
And sweetheart neck lines 
Blotches of wrong shades 
Splashed with pink blushes
To mask the pale and pasty 
You would never see the eyes that never sleep
Deep dark ***** depths 
Of a mind constantly thinking 
Secrets she's carrying 
Sick diseases of this world
The shadows call out
And lure her in 
With promises of moments of peace 
That will touch her shell
But never penetrate her soul
Yet still she's sold 
Peace is a longing that never gets old 
Meeting with guilt 
On a dusty road 
She searches the path of amnesia
Through echoing confessions
She never wanted to be told 
She watched them get drunk on tears 
And bathe in justice 
Dancing to the music of her cries 
Watching her turn crazy
And feed herself lies 
On how everything is going to be alright

She gave up before she lost
And entered a race
Against her conscience
Because the prize she sought after
Was not anything this world could offer

You come to me in your time of need,
My shoulder I lend
As your heart bleeds,
To you I tend.

The advice I give,
Is wasted on you,
He holds your love captive,
And you continue to forgive.

Why didn't you listen to me?
Why couldn't you see?
I was trying to set you free.

I continued fulfilling this friendship of mine,
Tired of you paying no heed,
You obviously didn't mind.

Doing one thing and saying another,
Trapped in a web of lies
You wanted to believe,
I'm done
Listening to your cries.

I'm done
watching you burn
Only to return your hand to the flame,
I'm done
Listening to your agony,
Of self-inflicted tragedy.

Watching her innocence fade away
Each moment a shadow
That grew darker in shades
She yearned for a light to be shone her way
But her smile deceived of the hidden kept at bay
The light she craved
Was hers to create
Dim and soft
It radiated from within
A gem amongst dust

My heart was mine
Then it was yours
You gave it back
But that which was given never returned intact
Will ever again be given whole

I've only known you for 3 years
There's so much you don't know
Only scratching the surface
Friendship pleasantries
All I tell you are the pleasantries
Sometimes the dark gets too much
The past gets too deep
And sometimes I lose myself in it
I want to talk
I want to be with you and forget
But it's like my lips have sworn an oath
And I don't know how
Or where to start
Worse
How to deal with your reaction
So despite our closeness
I bear it all alone
All the sad and ugly kept inside my stomach
I don't know how to hide it at its peak
When the eyebags are pools
And I bleed from my fingertips
When my body trembles
And my lips are sore
So I hide from you
It's easier this way
Easier to say my battery died
And my charger broke
Sometimes I raise a shaking finger
To your contact on my phone
Stare at the delete button
But you're a good friend
And I love you
So I wait it out
Untill I surpress everything from the time before you
Untill I can smile and see you

This is why
I disappear from time to time

'You're sad,'* he stated as though it was a sure fact. Like he had studied her happiness and measured its authenticity.

'Why would you say that?' she replied defensively.

'Because all those smiles you've given since you walked through that door...have been fake.' He said.

She froze mid turn as if she had been caught red handed, 'How could you know that?' she whispered.

'I know what you look like when you're happy', he said softly. 'You tilt your face and your smile stretches in a race towards your ears. A crinkle around your eyes appears like the stars in the night.' He told her about a person she never knew. One who had conversations between her eyebrows as she spoke, her hands danced as they spun and caressed the air. He weaved a character so familiar yet unknown.
'You're not happy Georgia,' he said sounding desperate. For what she didn't know.

He stopped speaking and the silence deafened between them. Neither of them moved and all of a sudden a chill ran down her spine as she dragged in a lungful of oxygen, her breathing jagged as it pounded and echoed in the room once creaking of the floorboards beneath them. Not a car drove by outside, nor did the wind howl as her heart drummed louder than the ticking clock. She knew that he had crept into the depth of the heart she swore she guarded so fiercely and made a home amongst the crevices unnoticed. Somehow she didn't realise that he had helped her fill in the cracks with him still in there. He was the cement that soldered her broken bits whole. She would do anything possible of her to make this man happy, just as he had made her smile with a genuineness she never knew existed. So as he awaited her reply she continued drying the dishes as if this conversation never happened.

I used to care
Way too much
About everyone
And everything
But you changed me
A new outlook
A new mindset
A new soul
I gave up
I don't care at all
Because you make me want to walk out
Chase pavements
Raise my hands to the sky
Ashes shower me like confetti
And I let it burn
I want it to swallow me whole
And end it all
Because you already destroyed me
Frayed and singed
Tattered and bent
The bristled edges sting
I can tell you a story
You wish you could forget
About how there's something about a ring
That feels like handcuffs
Something about a lie
That comforts
Like a balm I welcome
I drown it out
And blur the words that I heard
Just the way you raised it louder
Up
    Up
        Up
To overcome
It seeps out and
               Keeps on coming out
Leaving a trail
     of smudges
         A ***** trail
And it doesn't matter if its behind me
It follows me
Onto the spotless path ahead
And that's why
I still want to
Follow you into oblivion
Even the hell you show me
Sounds attractive
So I take 10 steps back
Closer to the flame
Close my eyes
And let the truth I now know
Become a truth that I show
Its mine

After you
I became a graveyard
Full of memories
No one else wanted to visit
In an unused plot of land
There is an unwatered flower bed
In another there is a broken headstone
That looks like a shattered mirror
Unanswered questions float around with no place to rest
And every night when the sun sets I want you to return
I want you to come and see
That without you there is nothing left
Without you
Every embrace will be bereft

I have met bitter people with sweet faces
And rich people with poor intentions
Darling
Everything about you
Is as clear as day
Your eyes
Your face
Your lips
They all show the same
As your heart
I love that with you I never have to search for the truth
Promise me
Promise me you'll never change
I love you just the way you are

Everything is destroyed from the outside in
A state of neither living nor surviving
Slaving away for food and needing so much more
Made to believe it's just the way life is
I'm working hard and long
Getting nowhere fast or slow
Because everytime I'm a fraction closer to my goal
The bar is raised
The goal is pushed further away
The expectations rise
It increases the hunger
The pain
The struggle
But highlights the pointlessness
Hope for a miracle

Take me to the end of forever 
Where I can hear the sound of colours fade 
Take me to the end 
Where it's all over 

Where nothing matters anymore 
And it's too late
Take me to that stage 
Where I can't change the game 

The meaning, the purpose 
It's all over
Take me to the end of forever 
Where there is nothing more of anything 

No good, no bad, no evil
No love, no hate, no devils
Take me to the end of forever 
I can no longer be bothered 

At the end of forever
Where I become no one
No sense, no waste

     *Just
gone

Today I mentioned you to God by name 
He already knew you were in my heart 
And on my brain 
I said Oh Lord this is my sister 
And I wish for her the same 
Please bless her 
And forgive all her sins

Love letters in the sand
Today 
Tomorrows destiny will be written 
And I'm hoping it will be with you 
You live in my imagination 
In the lids of my eyes
You come alive in my dreams
Looking out at the pure sea
The winds bid me farewell 
But me, I have made friends
With the night 
In the absence of the moon 
Where your eyes are the only light 
Let the wind carry my words to you

I watch you stare into space
At memories I want to get my hands on
Your fingers trace whispers of
Two souls cut from the same cloth
And how one became a moon drop
Due to budget cuts
The light at the end of the tunnel was turned off
And dreams were dreamt in black and white
Time no longer moved by mood to moment
Living by the currents and planning by the tide
Following the sun
Now it moves hour by hour
Each day is something to survive
Merely exist
Trying to hold onto something that's already gone
And I can see that you will never close your eyes again
For the person whom you belonged with
No longer exists

You are the one who has been stripped from your body

And had your blood burn at the touch of firm hands

The bitterness of a tongue rained acid on your soul

You have battled for a few more hours and you can scream for a few more seconds

I’ve rescued you from the darkness,

All in vain…

             Death.

You held me in your arms for much too long.

I have a way out but…I refuse to leave.

I will battle against the world.

Love it has no order.

I'll serve and strive

With the life I have left

Until you leave me bereft

Or my breath leaves me

If anyone asks don't hide my faults
Tell them I was a liar
Tell them I was selfish
In life, I always stood alone
That I made many promises
But didn't fulfill any
Tell them
If there was ever a war with your name
You'd find me, a coward, in first line of defence

When the dark nights lose the moon
I search for it amongst my ribs
Had it not been for you
I wouldn't  believe I had lived
I would have sworn that I was born inside my grave
I am sentenced to a life with you running through my veins
And exiled in your eyes
Like an anecdote to save the world
And us
I repeatedly launch your name into the sky
Breathe it into the ground
Let us flourish and thrive
Let your gaze strike the Earth
To become lightening
And new moons

You hang somewhere 
In moments spent in the past
And the wishes of tomorrow 
In the streets of hope
I search for friendship
Amongst the gloom of happiness 
I come across fates that betray 
Love that lingers as a long lost lover 
Nowhere to be seen 
Lessons scribbled in illegible writing 
Mistakes that have to be made 
Once again 
And just maybe 
This time there won't be any faults
Because we have had practice
And this time we can fix it 
Save the raw scrapes against the wounds of the soul
Follow the path engraved to the unknown 
With high expectations comes great falls 
So lets fall into the bottomless abyss 
The grave I mean 
Together forevermore 
Bound by memories 
Held by time 
Words once spoken that we can't take back 
Trapped in echoes reliving in the mind 
Relations a maze
We search for an exit 
Missing it each time  
Too caught up on each other
Not wanting a way out

Be my stubborn wish
My painful truth
The breath in my lungs
Teach me how to live without you
All I want is you alive
Let me hold you close one last time
All I want is for you to be here right now
I didn't think that you'd ever go so far
All that I'd have left was to cry for you in my prayers

I have been writing out my love story for a long time
Thinking my heart was an original flame
The first of its kind to burn
The first to extinguish so terribly
I've wanted to differentiate myself
To carve out my happiness
And write my name all over it
The cult of the individual is alive
And I want to be the protagonist
I want an entire novel
A series
And I want it all to matter

What do you write when there is so much happening but nothing to say
No letters of an alphabet could come together in the way that they need to
These fingers once created poetry
Pretty and painful
Now there's nothing but a mess all jumbled
Not a word that goes from my brain to my fingers fast enough
Not a thought that stays longer than a fleeting moment
It feels like there's so much there but nothing all the same

A guilty conscious
Eats away
Little by little
Nibbling on my brain

Now I know
What they mean
When they say
You have to live with what you've done

But I'm not living
The ground should open
And swallow me whole
Along with my pain

I made excuses
And dragged it out
Defended and refuted
But kept it secret all the same

Because my heart knew
What my brain did not
And the greatest confusion
Was the disagreement between the two

A desolate worldly journey
To a barren land
Of echoing silence
Suffocated with peace.

Something has happened
Something has been done
Since you came along
Life seems much more fun

Everything looks different
Everything seems new
Thoughts of you are constant
The past seeming so distant.

I have started to laugh when I'm on my own,
No longer wearing that famous frown,
Greeting everyone with a smile,
My mood is on an all time high.

All the colours seem brighter,
The flowers are more fragrant.
With you I'm an insider,
Show me how you enchant.

I find myself in front of the mirror,
How do I look?
When you're here, come nearer,
For you I want to cook.

Is this it?
What they call love?
My heart soars high and above,
Is this that moment when I lose my heart?

No, I have not lost anything

Rather in you gained everything.

Master of my fate
Captain of my soul
Keeper of my dreams
Reliever of my woes

Giver of health
Distributer of wealth
Bearer of all news
Grant me only good

Maker of miracles
Turner of hearts
Keep this heart steadfast
On the straight path

Breathtaking beauty
I saw her adorned with simplicity
Her features enhanced with a smile
That made her eyes light up 
In a warmth that said you could trust her
Her words were the same as the one's we all learnt and knew
Yet she made them sound different and true
A language of care and love
As she tread with grace
And softly spoke in respect
Gazed with trust 
And blushed in the sweetest way
I saw elegance in the way she dressed
Modest and humble
She went unnoticed 
And maybe that was her intent
But I'm impressed I must say
She's someone mother would like
They would get on like a house on fire
She was beautiful

Don't look back
And give me false hope my beloved
Don't pity that
Which you are leaving behind
Don't leave my heart floating
Don't leave me mid air
Drown me
Bury me
Smash me to smithereens
Tell me it's over
Over for good
Be brutal
Be wild
Be merciless
So it's final
I want it solid
Don't call me when it gets lonely
Don't tell me that you miss me
How you still want us to be friends
Cut me off
And throw me far away
Somewhere where neither of us can find the other
To **** to ruins once again

I cover my eyes
Before the blow reaches its mark
So I can't see her flesh wobble
Vibrate and see the blood pour out

I turn the music up louder
So I can't hear him shout
But they can hear it
From out of space

She adds fuel to the fire
And can't take the heat of the flame
Later sits in guilt
And both relish in the blame game

Don't let the doubt seep in
It wasn't your fault
You were provoked
It will sort itself out

He showers me with gifts
Monetary bribes
She envelops me in love
And that's why I hide

Cuss on a Monday
And pray on a Friday
I'm not even on the dance floor
But you drag me in everyday

I'd leave without looking back
But now I feel like
I owe you
I owe them to stay

Because you got us
Messed up smoking
One's drinking
And one's taking pills

Today I'm only a kid
But tomorrow I'll convince you
When I made it better
I'm on my way up

I'll never let you see me frown
I got dreams
I see them even when I don't sleep
One day this will be a distant memory

You made me a drunkard
One who is intoxicated
By your gaze
My life is my love
My love is you
Your happiness
Is married to mine
Your smile is held
In my eyes
A devout believer
With not a moments rest
Memories of you
Pilgrimage my mind
Everything that is
Instantly became yours
Thud thud thud
My heart beats
In your chest
Take care
Hold it safe
It holds my breath
In a stubborn way
That would drown
In the name
Of my beloved

Her hopes and dreams
Always lay in
One day
The day she gets out
The day she finds salvation
So she became a runner
Every hurdle every mountain
She ran through every fire
Seeking happines
Pursuing freedom
Everytime she thought she had it
Suddenly
It would explode before her very eyes
Without reason
Without fault
Everyone and everything was always out to get her
But one day perhaps not today
I'll be strong she'd say
I'll be happy and free
Independent and me
Until time slowed her down
And running was no longer an option
One day
Not today
But perhaps a day
Where only my body remains
My mind will cease
I'll stop running
There would be nothing to flee
When she speaks of that day
Not a grimace on her face
Nor a tear in her eye
No
She awaits it like prayer to be answered
With hope
With love
Like a sure solution
To this damnation