I've seen the tell tale
bite of your lip
Your hands meet one another
Twisting fingers
Eyes quickly squeezed
Tightly shut.
You open them again
This time hardened
Staring up
**** in a breath
Then back at me
Straight in the eye
Lips stretched
Over a gleaming set of teeth
You tilt your head
"I'm fine"

I don't even know
What to say anymore
I don't know
What's the matter
But just know that
I'm going to stick around
And I can't make you tell me
So I'm going to wait
Sooner or later
I wish you would confide in me

It kills me
Everytime you impose
Behind religious propositions
On interpretations you suppose

Take advantage of out of context quotes
And put on that holy pretext
Justify your poison
It kills me
When you give them a reason

I need you
to be there.
Don't let me
let you go
no matter what.

I need everything
The world can't see
With you beside me.

Give me guidance
Give me strength
Give me conscience
And all things heaven sent.

If I could turn back time
Rewind
Make it undone
I swear that I would

Not to right wrongs
Or avoid mistakes
Nor to change or retake
So that I could remake

The past that I chose
Was what I wanted
And I'd choose it all over again
So that I could regain

That crisis that would make me
The friendships that contained
Obstacles I overcame
To make me who I am

These criss cross lines of fate
Upon my hand
Which destined my path to meet
Fallen stars to soften the blow
Of the cruel trials

The decisions that I took
Intertwined
And failed the test of time
Leaving a trail of lessons learnt

I'd go back and relearn
Everything happens for a reason
Now, or later on down the line
Whatever happens is for the best

I'd go back and be at ease
Freely let my worries
Dissolve into the oceans
Where they will amount
To the invisibility of air

I'd go back and see
Relive the signs
That would lead me closer to you
To submit
and surrender to the One above.

*inspired by a friend - fathiya

Singers sing about it
And writers write,
painters paint
Creative versions
     of love.

Memories expressed
Pain suppressed
Blurred lines between this love
and a torturous punishment
of the treacherous kind.

A testing trial of doubt
mistrust and frayed strings.
A problem of the heart to which there is no solution.

They've tied their happiness with another,
and risked a ruined life of
Half fulfilled wishes
and broken dreams.

Even in victory there is the cloudy feeling of loss
a sense of dimming hope
Wafting fumes of that last chance
blown
          out... . .

Wallowing in self-pity
wanting to rekindle that flame
and return again to reclaim

Your heart.

A desolate worldly journey
To a barren land
Of echoing silence
Suffocated with peace.

I saw the light inside your soul
Struggle against your body
Long bouts of dullness
Seeped into illness
Getting dimmer and dimmer
It blinked and flickered
and at times shone blindingly bright
Glowed.

I saw the life
Though your shell shuddered in pain
And your hair fell away
As your figure swayed
The longing to hold your grandchild
Lovingly kiss the soft cheeks
Ignoring that you were weak
and soothingly stroke the hair

I saw the telling wrinkles
Give away your secrets
Smile lines
and worry lines.
Twinkling eyes
Glazed over as you forgot who I am.

I saw you unwillingly give up trying
Your efforts in vain
Dragged down
Inevitably bed bound.

I saw the recognition
The realisation
The acceptance
In your spirit
and went through the refusal
The denial
Confusion and anger
Depression
And eventually a hard slap of
Reality.

In those moments
I gave you everything I had
Laid my past bare
Everything I had, I shared.

Showed you my imperfect past
Somewhere a part of me hoped
To scare you off.
That you would say "this can't last."
Turn around and walk away
Without looking back.

But you stayed.

So then I told you my hopes and aspirations
Shared my dreams and wishes
Let you in on the imagination
Of my idea of heaven.

Which now includes you.

I am here
   You...                               are there
         Where is life?
Sleep never comes and memories never go
              It is like time has stilled
Staining all with a
L
   I
      n
        g
       e
      r
       I
         n
           g
            Sadness
An impatient wait for your presence
Days and nights may be spent in loneliness
But not life.
Despite wanting to I am unable to tell you,
How do I express my pain.
There was a time when we were always together
and when I am alone I remember the past,

Silence speaks for itself,
It has been a long time since I last
smiled
Now there is distance between us.
I am here
   You...                                  are there
          Where is life?

Keeping secrets
You were always good at hiding things
Made me think twice about that wedding ring...
Turning away
Nervous laughter changing the topic
But your interest in my life was microscopic.
Honey how was your day?
Today
I saw you holding hands with someone that wasn't me.
Yes. I know you'd never betray
There is a good reason
and my heart defends this treason.
My eyes overruled in disbelief
as I watch you smirk in mischief.
I'm falling trap to your charms,
Overlooking flaws
and willing to risk that pain
Hoping my love will change
your ways.

It is said we are not born
Hating nor loving
Yet out there
Hidden devils reside
Likewise there are angles in disguise
Religious supposed peace loving individuals
Beliefs mocked and ridiculed
God denouncing nations
Showing the most compassionate emotions
It is neither black nor white
It not either love or hate
Actions within themselves or intentions
Constructs of experience holding us to attention
Falling in the trap of stereotypical conventions

These musings of mine,
to which I spare no time
this poetry
that I do not take seriously
is my secret way to release.
Soon to be forgotten from memory when I
save poem.

It does not matter to me if your mouse doesn't click,
or you do not leave a comment
I am not here for approval,
and I'd still be content.
not expecting to be noticed,
in no delusion of being ablest.
No. I am not being modest.

Yet there is no denying
and it would be lying
to say that when I receive a notification,
It does not fill me with elation,
so this one is a Thank You
to show my appreciation.

I always wonder how
with your heartbeat does mine chime
and with you I don't need the sun to shine.

How does a sprinkle of messages from you make my day,
and manage to allay
all fears that threaten to betray.

Before you came
I never celebrated birthdays
and nothing was the same
never the rebel was I

In fact my life was pretty lame.
I hardly made plans
and days merged together
until the routine was mundane.

Then you waltzed in
and swept me under your tide,
took me along for the ride,
and eventually made me cry.

But before that happened,
You took my hand
dragged me along
and injected that much needed fun.

Its okay that you're not here anymore
because nothing lasts forever
and I knew that before you came.
From this belief you distracted me
and like a fool I forgot,
what a shame.

I believe that fairy tales are just that: fairy tales.
Magic doesn't exist, and of course imagination is just that: imagination.

Something not real, an internalised, idealised creation.
Happy ever afters,
and Prince Charming hero's,
are just a lovers fantasy notions.

But we are there,
You know,
at that stage where Romeo is madly in love with...Rosaline.

Those evil family relations surround us and a wicked stepmother who overrules.
Girls everywhere are obsessed with being the fairest of them all,
Eagerly anticipating a dark and handsome: Mr. Tall.

Waiting on that fairy godmother to appear,
but its already too late because the wolfs already had his dinner,
and a sleeping beauty has yet to be kissed out of her nightmare.

All around me I see daily
Trivial how are you's thrown about,
As people rush by
not awaiting a reply.

Lift my head and plaster a smile,
Fine thanks, you?
Just going through the motions,
Of social emotions.

Sit surrounded by people,
All staring at a screen,
Dialling digits or far away in their dreams,
Or so it seems.

So I plug in my headphones
to drown out the drones.
The traffic was awful,
The weather drowned you in misery.

I let it embrace me,
Allow the rush hour crowd to carry me along,
Avoiding eye contact and becoming one,
I wonder if others feel what I can see.

Do they too long to flee?
To a happier destination,
Free of a routine,
Where cheery friendly hello's echo,
and a wave accompanies.

Where people have a bounce in their step,
And passion in their eyes,
A soft hum upon their lips,
and so like this: the time flies.

I can feel you near
haunting me
Comparing life
to when you were here,
Memories whisper around
the tomorrows that I fear
What if you've tainted?
Tugged between neither a distant
nor present time...
A recurring painting.
It's a strange feeling
when I'm where
I've wanted to be,
But held back
Just when I'm about to be free.
Where I subconsciously mime,
and constantly reminded
through these habits
left behind
from when you were mine.

It was a simple complication
Of miscommunication*

I think one of us misunderstood,
An assumption was made,
What should have happened still could,
Let's acknowledge it before it fades.

That's not what I was trying to say,
But I guess its what you wanted to hear,
You've interpreted it in the wrong way,
and now everything is left unclear.

Left helpless by my inability to help you,
What good
is talking about something that's on your mind,
What good
is me providing an ear,
Shedding with you a useless tear,

Your words ignite anger,
and together we burn in a crazy hatred filled blaze.
High on hurt and intolerable pain,
Lusting on scenarios to exact our blood, thirsty,
unrealistic revenge.

What we'd do if we had the means,
If you had the money to escape,
And could write your own fate,
You problems would abate.

Hearing your sobs turn dry,
Shaking, left shattered, broken and weak.
The cycle begins once again,
You pick yourself up and leave,
Unable to turn the other cheek.

Till next time then,
so farewell,
It kills me knowing that when it comes around,
I'll be with you reliving this cruel truth,
But alas together we'll hopelessly plod through.

As you return to your prison,
Problems unresolved,
I sit with a heavy heart,
Fearing your safety,
Saddest of all; not from all the problems,
But the dread of what will happen if you lost yourself.

So called meritocracy
False illusions of democracy
Labelled by society
To fulfill this prophesy that it has foreseen in me,
What I see is: that I refuse to believe,
this is all I can amount up to be,
Decided on the course of my life,
Based on my colour, culture and class.
Add gender, religion and demographics.
I don't stand a chance.
Are you telling me I can't do this, can't bring myself up?
From where I am constantly belittled,
By stereotypical positions.
An anomalie I aspire to be,
This knowledge I gain will guide me,
I want that day to arrive,
Where you judge me,
Shun me,
Tell me I'm wrong.
Then to see jaws hang open,
To see those stuttering like the ignorant fools they are,
Embarrassed red tinted cheeks,
Shaking heads in disbelief,
"I... I... I'm sorry, I tthought that, it it looked like"
Allow me to bring you back to reality,
Your status and power does not give you the right to judge.
You have a right to your opinion,
But take a look on what you base it upon?

If I do not possess graduation certificates or a degree,
What do you think of me?
Am I illiterate, un-educated, or a drop out?
Perhaps a failure would be more suited?
I suppose you'd say it decreases my life chances of success,
With nothing to prove my intelligence,
I'd be a risk.
And if I told you about my passion, my dream, my determination,
Would it make a difference?
If I told you tests and assignments were not my suited measure.
But I could show you what it is
that I treasure,
What is it about that piece of paper, inked with words and letters,
that proves me to you?
Without it,
am I unwise, unskilled and talent less?
Ill-mannered, unkempt, and emotionless?
Knowledge can be gained without education,
Experience can be done without information,
Intelligence is not always academic,
And people can achieve through life without merit.

The awkward silence
When that moment froze
And those actions paused
Tension lingered in the air

Eyes met,
And consequences set,

You knew
It shall forever be ingrained,
This memory would be sustained.

Something has happened
Something has been done
Since you came along
Life seems much more fun

Everything looks different
Everything seems new
Thoughts of you are constant
The past seeming so distant.

I have started to laugh when I'm on my own,
No longer wearing that famous frown,
Greeting everyone with a smile,
My mood is on an all time high.

All the colours seem brighter,
The flowers are more fragrant.
With you I'm an insider,
Show me how you enchant.

I find myself in front of the mirror,
How do I look?
When you're here, come nearer,
For you I want to cook.

Is this it?
What they call love?
My heart soars high and above,
Is this that moment when I lose my heart?

No, I have not lost anything

Rather in you gained everything.

All your armies
All your fighters
All your tanks
And all your soldiers

Against a boy
Holding a stone
Standing there
All alone

In his eyes I see the sun
In his smile I see the moon
And I wonder
I only wonder,

Who is weak?
And who is strong?
Who is right?
And who is wrong?

And I wish
I only wish,
That the truth has a tongue.

Someone needs to tell my heart
Get it to believe
That to you I don't mean anything
Let us no more be deceived

For you act recklessly,
Not a thought to spare
To show that you care
That just isn't fair

Does a two sided pretence change reality?
Our silenced story remains
Must we continue with formality
Till either of us can no longer abstain?

Someone needs to tell my heart
Get it to believe that its over
Until then our lives are paused
On this unavailing course.

You come to me in your time of need,
My shoulder I lend
As your heart bleeds,
To you I tend.

The advice I give,
Is wasted on you,
He holds your love captive,
And you continue to forgive.

Why didn't you listen to me?
Why couldn't you see?
I was trying to set you free.

I continued fulfilling this friendship of mine,
Tired of you paying no heed,
You obviously didn't mind.

Doing one thing and saying another,
Trapped in a web of lies
You wanted to believe,
I'm done
Listening to your cries.

I'm done
watching you burn
Only to return your hand to the flame,
I'm done
Listening to your agony,
Of self-inflicted tragedy.

There are always some questions that you wish no one would ever ask you,
because you feel
guilt or shame
or just something else altogether that you can’t explain.

That realisation of hidden pain,
Nosy prying tongues with nothing to gain.
What, where, when, why, who?
I heard...Is it true?

You crave privacy,
For people to mind their own,
But it doesn't matter
Mouths will always chatter.

Is this what it is like to be grown?
What is meant by stand on your own two feet?

I am there now,
Grown
My head hangs in defeat.
It is exactly how you described it,
A life of burdens and responsibilities.

A life of financial worries where I have been entered into a race without consent,
To own possessions, have things to my name.
A standard to be met, a category to fill.
This is where I am told I should be, what I should want.
Then what is this feeling of discontent?

Labels attached to my title,
My style is overtaken by dull colour,
My hobbies buried under paperwork,
My weekends spent planning ahead,
My social life cautiously tread.

A house to be brought,
A spouse to be sought,
Educational loans to be paid,
In my nightmares to be relayed.

Is this what it is like to be grown?
To grow up, show up, work up,

Break up.

Like a leaf blowing back and forth in the wind,
With no sense of direction
Bashed around,
Flattened, squashed and bruised,

Softly floating down,
Resting on a pavement
A moment of peace
Stillness

Only to be picked up again,
Un torn
Lifted high off the ground
Going with the flow
To take life again.

Its not love
And it sure ain't respect
It isn't that I look up to you,
In fact the opposite.

My decisions you make
My dislikes you dictate
My actions you limit
My dreams you restrict

Confined to the consequences of your past actions
People's interference to view this show
you produce, present, an act all in one,
A one man show
The villain you are
The hero they think
Charming, pleasant and helpful,
Greedy, overbearing and forceful.

A showpiece on your windowsill I remain
Still sane

Command power and respect
tighten the noose of your control
Force your presence upon others
Oblivious to your tainted affect
Believe things are in the palm of your hand
For this is what you are falsely granted
A misuse of nature
Of ***

But behind backs
There is mockery, outrage, hatred
Dreams are kept sacred
Plans continue,
Once upon a beginning when the dusk settles the villain is in exile and you find out it was a tactile all along.