Darling it took 2 years and 3 months
We've reached a complacency, where love's embers faded,
Your presence a ghost in our desolate charade.
There are no words, through empty glances we sway around eachother but never towards.
It's been a while where passion's colors grayed,
In echoes of silence, my heart yearned to speak,
But no more.
I'm held captive by routine
My soul's silent plea
In this stagnant realm of marriage
Longing to be free
I crave the warmth of a sun that once shone bright,
Yet in this dim cocoon, we faltered, lost the light.
My heart, a garden left untended,
Love's petals withered, desires suspended
No hopes to flourish

But do you see me when I'm burning out
When I'm darkened by the shadows cast
And the world drags me down
Do you love me
When I'm full of red hot rage
And hatred licks my heels
As I try not to let it climb up to my chest
Do you hear me when I bite my tongue
And let absence speak
Do you see me
Through their words
Do you see the lies they fling around
Do your eyes recognize the truth
Do your ears hear both sides
Tell me
Does your heart know mine?

God left
And the silence is a trembling hush
This was not the peace I asked for
But He doesn't reply
There's a quiet in my heart
It's too quiet
Like a meadow turned graveyard
A fatal abscess
Worship became a map I could not read
And God
Well he was in my heart
And he's still in me somewhere
I carry him
Like the taste of prayer
Which hangs off my tongue like passion fruit
I desire to suffocate my longing for temporary things
I want to starve how human I've become
Busy in the clicking, sleeping in the day
French painting my nails highlighting all ten useless moons
Forgive me Lord
I have misplaced my hunger for heaven
Forgive me my Lord
I remember you taught us that hunger was a gift that sweetens the meal
I have starved myself of your angels
And I'm wanting to break my fast
Let me plummet but not drown
Let me propel and soar but not be breathless
Let me worship
And God please find me
Catch my prayers and let me feel like I've been found again
Show me I was wrong to leave but You never did

I remember a yesterday when I sobbed to be with you
Wept and begged to go home with you
For the universe to never let us part
Today it's the same eyes
That wet my cheeks
Because being with you hurts
So much it spills out without my lashes squeezing together

He drifts away
Consumed by new skies
As she lays in bed where boredom lies
Weighing her worth against the empty space
Mind wondering back to when they last embraced
The flame that burned with passion's light,
Now dwindles low, obscured in endless night
Her dreams deferred
Waiting up, her hope begins to fade
In solitude, she finds her heart betrayed
As days march on and change does not show
She wonders if there's any more room to grow
Doubt lingers, heavy on her soul
Reality seeps in and it takes its toll
Sacrifices seem one sided
Together forever becomes undecided
They say patience is golden
Until it all becomes a burden
How long will she live in this trance
How long before she gives herself a new chance?

What's wrong
My love
Why do your eyes
Avert mine
Your hands crawl away from my fingertips
Your torso turns and leaves me behind
Your words
They drip between us
But I can't find the puddle
It feels like I am alone underwater
Ears filled with white noise
Your body lays next to me like an animal
Like I am wearing a dying loves dress
Like you're already living in the imagination
Of a dead loves future
Except it's not you in distress
My ache for you hits me
Like lightening striking a stream
Like bars
Wounding the water creating
Deep glugs as it drains cold inside of me
I'm the one who whines like an animal
Pines after you
Going crazy whilst I hide
Terrified to face the truth
Buried under the tide

I have robbed myself
And cried at your result
Oh how I feel like sobbing at your name
They told me you were sweet
They told it was like drowning in honey
But your cruelty has become a taunt for generations
Love
For me you were a false allegation
Where secrets impaled every word between us
Everything has fallen to a grinding halt
And I feel n o t h i n g -
Like a forgotten lamppost
An old rug soaked in canine ****;
An amputees stump: hollow.
My calendar still has marks for our hours to spend together
My mouth cannot bear the taste of someone else
I stare at my mugshot in the mirror
And tell myself I am the victim
But my veins hold me to account
I was a willing accomplice
I let him take all the empty spaces in my heart
And left me no room to grow
I let it feel strong and terrifying
I felt he'd loved me harder than anything I've ever known
And I swallowed it whole
Thoroughly, completely
I wanted him all
Little did I know
I'd entered a civil war
Where my thighs would bear the marks of collateral damage
My mind would spill the spoils

Johan you are my favourite poem
Of illusion
Memory and dreams
Of victory and in it defeat
Johan you are the poem
That's bigger than my heart
That's at the mercy of God
The power of prayer
You are my honour and bravery
My sickness and disease
You are the poem
Between twilight and dusk
With sleepy eyes
The one I wake to
My day and night
Johan
You are my favourite poem
Of art and music
With almond honey eyes
And dark curls
The poem about
The thrum of a pulse
The one I'm closest to
Like the moon drowning in the sea

Even if I don't say it anymore
By God I love you
And your arms are my home
I can't look at your dark eyes
Without being mesmerised
My favourite almonds
Forever I wish to be reflected in them
By God I love you
And he bears witness to my soul
I think back to when I met you
And the honey of your eyes
It is inevitable to fall for you
Every single time
For they are my favourite poem
By God I love you

Love me
Like a sudden death
Like a first breath
With sulphur and sparks
Attack me with your love
Bite me, maul me, smother me
Like a dangerous starving bear
Leave your love on my skin
Like the rain does to island cliffs
I am a woman lost to the world
Lonely and tired
So be one with me
And let me posess your heart
Like carvings on a stone

My bump
My blessing
A gift so divine
Sent by God, to be mine
I love you with my whole heart
You and me we're never apart
Before I even met you
I loved you more than words could say
Every single day
In every single way
With each flutter and kick
I dreamt a life
Of joy and cheer
Of teaching you right from wrong
Helping you grow up strong
I'll hold your hand, wipe your tears
I'll be with you through laughs and fears
The day finally came
I lay in a bed of emotions
Heavy and dense
I cried and screamed
I gasped and clenched
With one final tear and rip
Out you came, along with a river of blood
You lay on my chest
And my heart became a flood
I wept at how perfect you were
It was so intense
But too soon I was swept away
To be stitched back up
All trauma was kept at bay
After the birth, the joy and the pain
Came the aftermath, a whole new terrain
The body healing, the mind adjusting
To the role of motherhood, encompassing
We came home and life as a family began
You were the first
And I didn't have a clue or plan
The days were filled with highs and lows
And sometimes a climb
Finding my footing and figuring it out
Trying to feel whole again, without a doubt
I thought motherhood would be bliss
But instead, I feel like I've been dismissed
From the life I once knew
Leaving me feeling lost, confused
The weight of responsibility
Crushes me
Leaves me with anxiety
Some days I'm struggling
Feeling blue
But every day, I want the best for you
It's a transition
This postpartum life
One that takes time
And some inner strife
But it's worth it, oh how it is
To hold my sweet baby, and be his

I wrote code for love,
a program to find,
the one my heart dreams of,
the love that's one of a kind.

I searched through lines of code,
for a match that was true,
and finally, I found it,
a love that was brand new.

I debugged all my errors,
and tested every line,
until my code for love,
was running just fine.

Now I have found,
the love I've been seeking,
a love that's bound,
to keep my heart beating.

So here's to the code I wrote,
for the love that I've found,
a love that will always float,
above all else, unbound.

To the housewife,
the unsung hero of the home,
always busy, never alone.

Your work is never done,
yet you wear a smile, not a moan.
Your love and care is second to none,
as you tend to everyone.

You juggle a million tasks,
with grace and poise, no need to ask.
You are the glue that holds it all together,
through sunny days and stormy weather.

Your worth cannot be measured,
in dollars or possessions,
for it is immeasurable,
in the love and affection you impart to all.

So here's to the housewife,
the heart of the home,
forever loved and admired,
never left alone.

To my dear husband,
the love of my life,
you make everything right,
in times of joy and strife.

You are my rock, my anchor,
the one I can always turn to.
Your love is my greatest treasure,
a love that is true and true.

You make every day brighter,
with your smile and your charm.
I am grateful for your love,
that keeps me safe and warm.

You are my partner, my friend,
the one I can always depend on.
I am lucky to have you,
my best husband, the one I adore.

Here's to many more years,
of love, laughter, and cheer.
I am blessed to have you by my side,
forever and always, as my guide.

I came to you even when they told me not to
My cheeks blushed openly
Hands were painted red
I live with a worry in my heart
About a heartbreak that might be mine
A story they all wait to hear
Don't ask me the lessons I've learnt
From falling in love
That is a story for another time
I live with a worry in my heart
I live with hope
I wonder what the state of my life will be
Will your words be faithful
Your promises hold?
Will I lower my head in shame
Avoid all gazes
Will I never hear the end of my rebellion?
Of all the trouble I caused in becoming yours
When I saw my soul cast in your eyes

He asks me to communicate
To use my words and tell him how I feel
But no matter how much I say
Nothing can breach the barrier between my body and mind
Like how a map can never truly represent the world
My words cannot show my insides
Perhaps it's a penance
My name was female
My name was freedom
My name is cursed
The law of nature invalidates me
And no matter which way I plead
His promises of love fall against deaf ears
Lies
I want more
I'm greedy
I hate it here
I'm not grateful
I'm so sad
There's people who would **** to be where I am
I want to be by myself
I watch my body heal and know I was created with a power that thrums beneath this skin
I need to claw away everything from outside
And find the me I lost
At the expense of extending us
Is it so wrong
To ask the imposter I've become to be purged?
I pity none but me
I love all except myself
He asks me, what's wrong?
It's everything with me

Sometimes I think
If you could tear open my chest
I'd be ashamed to know
You'd see the darkness of my heart
There's been a lot said and done
It's flourished inside me as black as tar
My brain has picked them up
And rotted away
It's grown mould over the incidents
And I've gotten carried away
In the hatred I've harboured
The interpretations led me on
I've become sad and miserable
And even when you tried to be good
Being around you became unbearable
I was depressed and paranoid
This person I've become
I've always wanted to avoid
Slowly I'm trying
To wash away the dirt
Forget what happened
Stop crying
And smile and thank you
To compliment you when I can
I'm trying to be the better person
That's my plan

You're just not my person
And I don't mean opposites attract
You grate on my nerves
And I wish I could change that.

You're just not my person
And there's nothing wrong with that
You do things you're way
But I won't be you're doormat.

Sometimes I wish I can run away
Go missing
Disappear
Sometimes just for a few hours
Other times for days
When my head starts to hurt
And the people get too much
I don't want to be seen
Perhaps I'll be by myself
Perhaps I'll meet people that don't make me spin
Don't make me overthink
Don't repeat the same **** thing

Shower me not
With gifts of extravagance
Don't drip me with gold

I ask not for my closet to be filled
Or crisp notes to line my pockets
No matter the occasion

Your kindness is easy
Your giving is much
Much not needed

Give if you must
I'd rather you understand
Give me your patience

And if that were to run out
Gift me respect
And appreciation

But if those are not amongst your gifts
If it is beyond your ability
Above your reach

Then gift me time
With your absence
I will lavish with self respect

Looking back now
Meeting you meant losing you
Loving you came hand in hand with a painful goodbye
And I held it
Pulled it closer
Learned to gently go towards the parting
To love in your departure
Be soft in your absence
Wallow in your memories
Ache for your scent
Loving you meant for a lifetime
Years of us and many more without

I think I could love you

Until my skin grows wet

And my bones grow tired of holding us up

Until it feels like my words are echoing back to me

And my breath touches my face

I think I could love you until all I hear is I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you

The eulogist will say

She tried

And tried

And tried so hard

But promises bore her down

And people wouldn't let her fly alone

She finally had enough

And the solo mission began

The autopsy will say

She lost herself

Amidst

Bored, lonely days

Physically

Psychologically

Emotionally

Everything changed

The autopsy will say

Instead of flourishing and growing

She moulded away

In a routine

Where most wouldn't stay

She lost her habits

Her food and drink

She lost her friends

Her smile and grin

She lost her style

The fit and flare

She lost her body

To swelling and despair

The autopsy will say

She suffocated

From

Dreaming and longing

But not fulfilling

The adventure

She craved

Oh my beloved motherland
Tell me of you?
I used to sing in the wind
And pray upon shooting stars
Tell me of the springs
Does it still adorn you with luscious green?
Oh my beloved homeland
Do the poppies still bloom?
I've become a lonesome river finding my way to the sea
I've become lost to myself
Every day is a suffering torment
Until I can return to you
And bemoan to you every torture and lament
This body of mine
Shakes in the cold wind
It creaks inside these mouldy walls
And pales in the dusk which arrives before the sun

Ask the sleeping stars
The flickering flame
For whom did they burn
Who did they set themselves alight for?
What hopes and dreams did they dance for
What desires kept them aflame
What happiness did they leave behind
In your name
Ask my heart
In the river of longing
Why did it drown?
Months and seasons went by
Revolving around you
Why did the sun refuse to appear?

If tonight comes
I won't wait for tomorrow
Come
Break me once more
I'll enjoy it
All over again
I was meant to end in your arms

Even though we've said things we do not mean
The cherry blossoms bloomed again
And all the sorrows you gave to me
Have been folded like fitted bedsheets
I have found a way
To feel them between my palms
And smooth them out
I have found a way
To live into them
And breathe the scent of detergent you once used

Writing something
Isn't the same as living it
And so I stopped writing

For the first time ever
I want time to slow down
I want it to gently whisk us along
And I don't want to think  
For me
You'll always be the most beautiful person in any room
No matter that you're already mine
I'll still want win your heart
Over and over again
And relish every moment
Of every future
That belongs to us

When the dark nights lose the moon
I search for it amongst my ribs
Had it not been for you
I wouldn't  believe I had lived
I would have sworn that I was born inside my grave
I am sentenced to a life with you running through my veins
And exiled in your eyes
Like an anecdote to save the world
And us
I repeatedly launch your name into the sky
Breathe it into the ground
Let us flourish and thrive
Let your gaze strike the Earth
To become lightening
And new moons

This time
I won't speak enough for the both of us
I'll snap my gaze away from the deep ocean of your eyes
I'll no longer fill mine with their waters
So what if you're no longer mine
I'll never regret when you were

They say we are a mistake
A blot in history
A disaster waiting to happen
They say we are cursed
That we will never work
They say
They say
They say
They sa
They s
The
Th
T
.

When the last leaf falls
And the stars claim you as their own
I'll chase day into night
Stand at the peak of the mountain
And sigh my lonely breath into the clouds
There is no such fate where you are not mine
Somewhere far away
Sometime long ago
Written for me
Was a day that dawns with the sun
And ends with the stars

I wish to weave a story
Tell it so beautifully through
It takes all its listeners
And makes them characters too

I will take them on a journey
An adventure of genres in a mall
They'd buy into all the feelings
And stop at the same stall

I want to write a story
Where we meet on the same page
Speak the same drawl
And let love take centre stage

When you say you hate it here
That this world is a horrible place
I wish you could fall in love again and again
At least five times a day
See the city through my eyes
And love the way lashes kiss cheeks
See how statues come alive
Feel the hum of the ground
And hear how loud the flowers are
The sun is on fire
And still it does not expire
I wish you could learn life and living from scratch
I wish you could hear the sound of your dreams
And feel the way I love your heartbeat

You tell me to move on
And even if my mind were able to put you away
Like the photos in a locket
Would anyone build a bridge over a haunted river?
Your body will always be my last address

My heart is in the washing machine
Tumbling and spinning
My life out of control
Take it out
And put it back in to rinse

It was my fault
I waited for you on the porch
With the lights off
And hoped you would find your way home

Life hath no hurt
Like the ache of longing
A single person is missing
And the whole world is empty
The wind whispers your name
Even in my drowsiness
I grieve the loss of another day
Darling I miss you
My suffering is plenty
There is no middle ground between heaven or hell
Yet still I swing between the two
Crawling in the shadows
Waiting waiting waiting
In the absence of your voice
Patient grows impatient
I remember the goodness of your heart
And the purity of your soul
Then all the times you filled me
With emptyness
And starved me of your presence
Then showed me a smile
And made all my summers come at once
I miss the warmness of your hands
And the weight of your arms
The scent of your skin
And the way you kiss my palms
I wonder when will be the last time
That we'll depart
Knowing the next time we reunite
We'll stay together forever

No
He didn't make any promises
He didn't sell me a dream
But the way in which he spoke
Showed me things I've never seen
Between the lines
I heard a song
Which makes me want to move to the rhythm of his symphony
Eyes closed
I feel like an imposter
Stealing each note
As it flows like water
My soul awakens
Like a memory is calling
My heart wants to kneel
To dwell
To lose itself
In the spirit of fantasy

Between my bones there are shadows
That haunt the make of my soul
Everytime I look at a reflection
And see a smile
I wonder when it will leave
When it will say **** this
And realise staying is not worth the burden
That inside me there is a storm
Which cannot be chased or caught
It's a storm you should run away from