I have robbed myself
And cried at your result
Oh how I feel like sobbing at your name
They told me you were sweet
They told it was like drowning in honey
But your cruelty has become a taunt for generations
Love
For me you were a false allegation
Where secrets impaled every word between us
Everything has fallen to a grinding halt
And I feel n o t h i n g -
Like a forgotten lamppost
An old rug soaked in canine ****;
An amputees stump: hollow.
My calendar still has marks for our hours to spend together
My mouth cannot bear the taste of someone else
I stare at my mugshot in the mirror
And tell myself I am the victim
But my veins hold me to account
I was a willing accomplice
I let him take all the empty spaces in my heart
And left me no room to grow
I let it feel strong and terrifying
I felt he'd loved me harder than anything I've ever known
And I swallowed it whole
Thoroughly, completely
I wanted him all
Little did I know
I'd entered a civil war
Where my thighs would bear the marks of collateral damage
My mind would spill the spoils

Johan you are my favourite poem
Of illusion
Memory and dreams
Of victory and in it defeat
Johan you are the poem
That's bigger than my heart
That's at the mercy of God
The power of prayer
You are my honour and bravery
My sickness and disease
You are the poem
Between twilight and dusk
With sleepy eyes
The one I wake to
My day and night
Johan
You are my favourite poem
Of art and music
With almond honey eyes
And dark curls
The poem about
The thrum of a pulse
The one I'm closest to
Like the moon drowning in the sea

Even if I don't say it anymore
By God I love you
And your arms are my home
I can't look at your dark eyes
Without being mesmerised
My favourite almonds
Forever I wish to be reflected in them
By God I love you
And he bears witness to my soul
I think back to when I met you
And the honey of your eyes
It is inevitable to fall for you
Every single time
For they are my favourite poem
By God I love you

Love me
Like a sudden death
Like a first breath
With sulphur and sparks
Attack me with your love
Bite me, maul me, smother me
Like a dangerous starving bear
Leave your love on my skin
Like the rain does to island cliffs
I am a woman lost to the world
Lonely and tired
So be one with me
And let me posess your heart
Like carvings on a stone

My bump
My blessing
A gift so divine
Sent by God, to be mine
I love you with my whole heart
You and me we're never apart
Before I even met you
I loved you more than words could say
Every single day
In every single way
With each flutter and kick
I dreamt a life
Of joy and cheer
Of teaching you right from wrong
Helping you grow up strong
I'll hold your hand, wipe your tears
I'll be with you through laughs and fears
The day finally came
I lay in a bed of emotions
Heavy and dense
I cried and screamed
I gasped and clenched
With one final tear and rip
Out you came, along with a river of blood
You lay on my chest
And my heart became a flood
I wept at how perfect you were
It was so intense
But too soon I was swept away
To be stitched back up
All trauma was kept at bay
After the birth, the joy and the pain
Came the aftermath, a whole new terrain
The body healing, the mind adjusting
To the role of motherhood, encompassing
We came home and life as a family began
You were the first
And I didn't have a clue or plan
The days were filled with highs and lows
And sometimes a climb
Finding my footing and figuring it out
Trying to feel whole again, without a doubt
I thought motherhood would be bliss
But instead, I feel like I've been dismissed
From the life I once knew
Leaving me feeling lost, confused
The weight of responsibility
Crushes me
Leaves me with anxiety
Some days I'm struggling
Feeling blue
But every day, I want the best for you
It's a transition
This postpartum life
One that takes time
And some inner strife
But it's worth it, oh how it is
To hold my sweet baby, and be his