I came to you even when they told me not to
My cheeks blushed openly
Hands were painted red
I live with a worry in my heart
About a heartbreak that might be mine
A story they all wait to hear
Don't ask me the lessons I've learnt
From falling in love
That is a story for another time
I live with a worry in my heart
I live with hope
I wonder what the state of my life will be
Will your words be faithful
Your promises hold?
Will I lower my head in shame
Avoid all gazes
Will I never hear the end of my rebellion?
Of all the trouble I caused in becoming yours
When I saw my soul cast in your eyes

He asks me to communicate
To use my words and tell him how I feel
But no matter how much I say
Nothing can breach the barrier between my body and mind
Like how a map can never truly represent the world
My words cannot show my insides
Perhaps it's a penance
My name was female
My name was freedom
My name is cursed
The law of nature invalidates me
And no matter which way I plead
His promises of love fall against deaf ears
Lies
I want more
I'm greedy
I hate it here
I'm not grateful
I'm so sad
There's people who would **** to be where I am
I want to be by myself
I watch my body heal and know I was created with a power that thrums beneath this skin
I need to claw away everything from outside
And find the me I lost
At the expense of extending us
Is it so wrong
To ask the imposter I've become to be purged?
I pity none but me
I love all except myself
He asks me, what's wrong?
It's everything with me

Sometimes I think
If you could tear open my chest
I'd be ashamed to know
You'd see the darkness of my heart
There's been a lot said and done
It's flourished inside me as black as tar
My brain has picked them up
And rotted away
It's grown mould over the incidents
And I've gotten carried away
In the hatred I've harboured
The interpretations led me on
I've become sad and miserable
And even when you tried to be good
Being around you became unbearable
I was depressed and paranoid
This person I've become
I've always wanted to avoid
Slowly I'm trying
To wash away the dirt
Forget what happened
Stop crying
And smile and thank you
To compliment you when I can
I'm trying to be the better person
That's my plan

You're just not my person
And I don't mean opposites attract
You grate on my nerves
And I wish I could change that.

You're just not my person
And there's nothing wrong with that
You do things you're way
But I won't be you're doormat.

Sometimes I wish I can run away
Go missing
Disappear
Sometimes just for a few hours
Other times for days
When my head starts to hurt
And the people get too much
I don't want to be seen
Perhaps I'll be by myself
Perhaps I'll meet people that don't make me spin
Don't make me overthink
Don't repeat the same **** thing

Shower me not
With gifts of extravagance
Don't drip me with gold

I ask not for my closet to be filled
Or crisp notes to line my pockets
No matter the occasion

Your kindness is easy
Your giving is much
Much not needed

Give if you must
I'd rather you understand
Give me your patience

And if that were to run out
Gift me respect
And appreciation

But if those are not amongst your gifts
If it is beyond your ability
Above your reach

Then gift me time
With your absence
I will lavish with self respect