Now that I look back
A feeling of daunting realisation sinks my stomach
Every incident you've ever told me about
I no longer see you as the victim
I wonder why I had so much sympathy
Now that you've done to me what you did to them
I think
Maybe it was you all along
Maybe you were the chaos
But I took you in my arms
Comforted you
And soothed your arrogance
Mistaking it for hurt

So who is the one at fault?
Now that I think about it
I was wrong about you all along

She said her path was different to mine
Via text
That's it
I never heard from her again
Fifteen years
Wrenched from my life
And I didn't even deserve a reply

Maybe this fever is a way of my body praying
Or repenting or cleansing
Or maybe it has clashed with the soul beyond repair
Maybe these aches are accountability to what I put this body through
How I abused its health
And pushed its boundaries
Or maybe it is the birth of death
And my body has begun revolting in fear
Of returning to its creator
All used and broken
Worn and torn
Would he give me a refund and let me try again?
Perhaps when this fever is over
I'll be better

"I'm not looking for love"


The words of fools
No one who knows love looks for it
And those who don't
Think they have a choice

Love doesn't come knocking
Asking politely if it should enter
Waiting on your permission
Love is not a vampire

Love is a mosquito who will feast without invitation
It will lubricate the entrance to your heart without you realising
And shamelessly drink directly from the valve
You will be in love before you know it
And when it turns cold

Love goes away

But do not be misled

It does not die

Love will fester beneath your skin

And simmer in the heat of your longing

It will flicker in and out of your life

In your thoughts, in your memories

In your dreams and the future you built in words

It will always own some of the veins within you
And when the fragrance of it finally fades
It will feel like a bite out of your life
One that lasted mere days
But left scars that last a lifetime