Nervous happiness
Reverse of the silly mess that made you feel anything less
Release of negative pressure
It now becomes the lesser and you hesitantly move ahead
Every other time you’ve fled, but now you try to be brave
Try to save what’s left of your compassionate state
Regress the hate and illuminate something that could be worthwhile
You have all the while to ponder all the possible mistakes
The mornings you could wake full of hangover and heartache
You have all the while to worry of the things that may never be
Of the things you can’t see, you can spend all your time wondering
But worry and wonder will make you slip under, into an ocean of fantasy and pretend
In the end, reality is what you’re living and giving your time to worry is a waste
Take a taste of happiness
Let yourself experience bliss
And fall in without apprehension
You could drown in the tension of worry and wonder
You could slip under and never really live
So let yourself fall into happiness wholeheartedly
You are all you have to give

What if instead of fighting nature we had followed through
And became something bigger than just me and you?
What if we hadn’t chosen based on fear and uncertainty?
Do you wonder every time you look at me?
I know you can see it in my eyes
The curiosity and doubt
Do you find yourself surprised?
What I was once with I am now without
It’s so much different to be more than one
To house a living baby inside
To know it’s growing
Be afraid of your stomach showing
And wondering how everything will be alright
It’s a big feeling
To know that parts of us both were growing inside
A little of you and a little of me
Knowing there would be no other way to hide
We were too young and too naïve
Not grown up enough for that kind of life to lead
Not mature enough to know what to do
Not old enough to face reality
So we ran
Fled across the state to a place with laws more lenient
A place more accepting where I could be anonymous
You didn’t want me to leave your side
Afterwards I cried and cried and cried
I went from two heartbeats to one
In a decision that can’t be undone
You gripped me so tightly when the nurse called my name
You wouldn’t eat, you wouldn’t sleep
And since then nothing has been the same
I stood to follow the nurse and prepare for surgery
I’ll never forget how you held on to me
You were just as scared as me
And in your eyes I crumbled instantly
You let go and the rest is a blur
I woke up sometime later in a room full of women
I sobbed uncontrollably
In the waiting room you ran to me
You helped me walk to the car
Past the protesters and their condemning signs
Out of the building and out of a memory I wanted to put behind
But the signs
They follow me constantly
A pregnant woman, a baby, billboards and news
The guilt isn’t new to me
The judging looks I received
The fear I believed it would take away
Instead I’m left with a feeling everyday
That reminds me of what I’ve done
I took the heartbeat of two and turned it into one
We were too **** young
And way too afraid
Too childish to understand the choices we made
Too childish for a child
But to feel that heartbeat ever so mild
And then for it to disappear
I’m lost without it here
I miss you

Every time I think about it
Dream about it
I’m taken back to age 17
I didn’t know what it would mean
For my future, my life, my soul
Taking its toll, it eats away at me
Acidic memory, burning every part of me
Taking over me and taking me apart
My mind is where it starts
Putting every memory on rewind
Until I’m so far behind I can’t catch up
Freezing me in a moment I wasn’t strong enough
Taking over my future with the past
Replaying over and over again
How long will this last?
The burning acid moves to my eyes
Proceeding to terrorize every time I blink
I watch it over and over again
I can’t think
Memory spreads now to my heart
Tearing it apart
Refusing to let any new emotion in
Restricting me from starting again
Holding my heart hostage with guilt, pain and fear
Frozen in time; I’m stuck here.
The only release
When my heart skips a beat
Although the guilt is never complete
Temporarily it leaves
Acidic memories falling down my face
Taking with them everything about that place
Allowing me to escape, for a just a short time
To live in the now and leave the past behind
I can’t control the memories
When they will appear again or how long they will last
I can’t hide from the past or pretend it wasn’t real
I can’t control how I feel
My life is dictated by this painful, burning memory
But by remembering, it’s almost as if you’re still with me

I forgot your death day this year. It was two weeks past before I remembered the day I killed you. Aborted was what they called it. In the end it all means the same thing. I wonder if the dark of the womb is the same as the dark of dying. There are a million things I want to ask you but know that you won’t have the answer. Won’t tell me any answers. Your heartbeat is something I will never get over. Really it was all you had and, therefore, it was all I had of you. Every tiny piece of you was growing so quickly. I wonder if you would have looked like me. or Him. He would have loved you. He did love you without ever knowing you as more than a couple pounds on my belly. He noticed the weight gain but didn’t believe me when I told him that you were inside of me. somehow I knew. I was terrified, but I knew. Before the tests and I felt you inside of me, growing into a little heartbeat. I was afraid of you. You were so scary for being so small. Now, I wish I knew you. And afterwards I wished I had had more time to think before I killed you. Terminated you. Aborted you. Any way it’s put I’m the murderer and you’re still a memory of a heartbeat that mimicked mine. Where are you now? You won’t tell me.

So here we lie in our bed of lies but really it’s just a couch in an overheated dorm room. We try to alleviate the aroma of our sin by opening a window, letting the breeze of conscience in. It tousles my hair, but yours lies flat.  It cools the sweat on our bodies and the heat of our action. In a moment what was pleasure has turned into shame. I become awkward and wish the courage liquid provided me hadn’t worn off. I notice my naked body in a way I didn’t before. I suddenly want to cover up; I’m embarrassed in front of you. We delved into the initial sin, letting lust be our next. Now we’ve conquered lust and made it our own. But what happens next? Naked bodies, afraid to touch, realizing that the other doesn’t belong to us.  It’s still warm in here although the breeze is cooling. Your body is cold and in return so are my words. Awkward silence, each to our own thought. The quickest escape? I can read your mind. I throw you your clothes. We hesitate a goodbye kiss. Goodbye had meant nothing before this. Your face is red, your hair a mess. You leave in a hurry and I’m all too relieved. With the door shut behind you I return to the instigator of our lying bed. Which is really just a couch. Enough liquid: to give me the courage, to ignore the shame, to do it again.

Waiting is harder than expected. Distance is shorter than it feels. Time is slower than the clock. And yet we keep holding on to it. Gripping until our knuckles turn white. Our fingers are dug into it and we hold on like it’s the only thing keeping us a float. Holding on is so much harder than letting go when all to hold on to is memories. The raft is shrinking and the simplicity of sinking becoming clearer to me. Mourning the loss of us would be easier than mourning a relationship stretched to its limits. Every day I miss you. Every day I struggle to get through and there’s not prospect of things getting better. I love being together but we’re not together. You took my love to California and my life feels more empty than ever. 10 days is all I will get to reunite my life and my love. My life and my lover. When it’s over I’ll be where I started. Empty hearted but with eyes so full of tears I can’t make them stop. I embarrass myself at public events with my red eyes and sniffling nose. I get the most frustrating pity I never asked for. I feel more alone than my lifestyle permits. I am completely afloat. So sometimes I think of sinking and the simplicity it would bring, but I know I couldn’t let go: you’re knuckles are as white as mine.

Your face is framed in memories my mind refuses to forget
I look into your eyes and instantly I’m in the middle of it
On top of the tallest building, inside of our favorite bridge
Wearing a salt stained gown 5 sizes too big
Your eyes bore into mine and I try not to shy away
I dig deep trying to find the words to say
I miss you; I love you; I dreamt about you last night
Words escape my mouth but don’t feel right
My words can’t move you or make you real
Instead you stay in your frame, not knowing how I feel