“Hold on!”––
but it’s running everywhere.
Like I stabbed the center
of an inky squid. Or, rather
I just gripped the pen
too tight
that I suffocated it,
with everything I ever asked it to say.
Lenny loved it too much,
so did I. I guess it’s just the same.
It died
in my wanting hands.

So, the salt, and the water, and the ink
now run together as
I drag my hands through the ******
mess. I drown it all,
what I’d said–
Dead is yesterday.
The blood runs down
my arm and misses the sink:
on the counter
on the floor.
––“please,
just a minute.”

I have to wash the blue from my hands.

I wake to the sun falling down on its face again
As the night comes back to end it all,
The night comes back to end it all.
The darkness makes this room seem gray
And suddenly the sound slips, falls away,
And then I’m left with the noise and all
My skin bleeds sweat as it crawls–
My fingers rusted red
Because I can’t take this silence again,
Silent cries, silent nights,
Silent tears, silent fights.
I wish I could break this silence away,
I wish without her I could feel okay–
Without her I can’t feel, okay.
And here we lie on either side
A line away I have to stay
A thousand miles
Let silence dance,
Let silence play
Where once I dreamed
And all that seemed too perfect for me
Are walls of memories burning,
And the flames make fall–it all.
It all falls around me now,
The walls fall,
Watch them crash on me.
Where am I now?
A mess of smoke, of gray,
No more flames,
They’ve left me now to feel alone,
They’ve gone somewhere
They’ve gone away.
Just me now, but all I see
Is all this heavy gray–
It stifles and stays: A void,
Away she stays.
I stay, a void.
I stay, a void.
I stay, I wait
For silence to suffocate itself
Again.

One day with courage I asked her if she loved me.
I held quiet the sound of my singing heart
So soon I could hear what she’d say.
One day with courage I gave her everything I owned.
Stripped clean my bones of young flesh still red
So then she’d know for her, I’d let it all go.
One day with courage I held close her hand
To tie her to a world we made but her mind spun
And her hair took flight in autumn,
And fell with the leaves in the wind.
Her skin shown limpid and grey,
Circles danced beneath her eyes.
I held her hand still anyway–one day I had courage
And held my heart quiet
For words I’d hope she’d speak.
But even time unwinds,
All things do,
They still and die,
Circle then fall,
Make grey the sky.
But that day I had courage,
And upon her fingers I kissed
Each reason she gave me–
All her love, my tender bliss.
And then,
I let her go.

Starlight,
It was a star–bright. The first star I saw tonight,
May I wish, and wish that I might
Have I the eyes I had that night.
When May had come, and was in the air
The smell of you was all that I cared.
When I saw you there, and you were all
That I cared. They were–but you were. All I saw
That night, I in my dress, was you standing there.
That night, when I wanted nothing more than to be where
You were.

Starlight,
It was a star–bright. The first star I saw tonight,
May I wish, and wish that I might
Forget the pain that I felt that night.
In March that came the day when
Time was against us–yet again.
When I saw you there and you were
All that I cared when that night occurred.
Yes, my love, you were all that I cared, but
I listened to reason and not my gut
That night, with my roses, when I saw you there.
That night, when emptiness replaced the space where
You were.

Starlight,
It was a star–bright. The first star I saw tonight,
May I wish, and wish that I might
One day live these moments I see tonight.
In June I see, and it's just you and me
In that picture of us that sits on the
Table by our bed where we lie. And I feel
Your touch–it's all that I care. It's real,
Now I feel you with me–it's all that I care.
You're with me here, no more to go anywhere.
That night, someday, I'll see you there.
That night I'll be there. I'll be where
You are.

in my car I ride
past a place out there
where I remember once thinking
of the blooming spring,
that was the day–
yes I remember that day
clearly now when it was
five o'clock and I bought you a
birthday card that I never gave you,
remember–you don't but still I remember
today and tomorrow–
and when it was real
because it was this day, this place, this time
and spring–
and spring makes me remember,
remember you.

7:22 AM
she enters
she smiles
she sits
she nods
she listens
she smiles
she stands
she leaves
she cries.
7:25 AM

Somewhere between then
And now, we've put up a wall.
And way back when were were only ten,
I never thought that we could fall
Like this. Yeah, back when were were
Only ten, I thought that our friendship
Would never end. But now, we're
Here–and you are there, standing on the tip
Of never again: the moments shared,
Secrets kept, games played, adventures–just
You and me. Please understand, I was only scared.
Cause even now, you're still the only one I trust,
Though now it feels we've become estranged.
The wall is between us, and I can't help but feel
That everything now is forever changed,
And I can't live with that, or believe its real.
What am I saying...
Only what I feel.
Some dreams are meant to die.
Some days are meant to end.
Some lives are lived asking why,
While some only ask for a friend.
And after all this, I find only one thing left to say:
Some walls are meant to be broken,
Like the one I built with you.
I remember we said forever,
And so forever must be true.

I held my breath the other day
To see if I could keep it forever.
I held my breath to see if I may
Hold you in me just for forever.

I inhaled you like smoke
Letting you spread through me,
Drinking from my pipe of
Those moments spent in love
With you. You were a sweet
Burning in me.
Awaiting only the time we would meet,
And I would be with you, you see.

But I was drowning in you.
Lungs burning,
Your sweetness killing me–slowly.
I need to let go, but I need you too.

With a heavy heart, I release you from me.
I exhale you, and I breathe in reality.
Because keeping you is toxic–
A captive bird dies,
But in me still, I can see your eyes.

You were like a breath, in a way.
As soft as the wind.
As redolent as the smell of roses
In spring. And as gone as yesterday.
You were like a breath.

And yes, I still love you darling.
I love you to death.

When I'm in my room all alone,
I turn on my faucet and let it run
Down my face,
With water now it won't leave a trace.

When I'm in my room all alone,
I turn on my faucet and let it run
So no one can tell,
If it was just water or a tear that fell.

When I'm in my room all alone,
I turn on my faucet and let it run
In my eyes.
It's no surprise
That with my faucet
No one can see me, or hear my cries.

With a clenched fist, I took a piece of you
From the day we parted.
It was just a little piece, so you never knew.

Eye squinched,
Face pinched,
And clenched fist to my little heart,
Too afraid that letting that part
Of you go would mean forgetting.
Forever loosing,
The love I once felt with such happiness.
Without a chance to ever confess
That you have been my reason to live–
My reason to give
Life a chance and wanting nothing more than to
Dance with you in my arms–Time finally on our side.

So I held that piece
Of you
Like sand in my fist, you kept slipping through
My fingers. And my clenched fist
Had no bearing on the day when I just missed
You, by a moment.
And so tonight, my love, I release–

With an open palm,
I send all my love to you.
With the only hope that someday,
You just might see me, and love me too.