You are like a lingering sin to me
Evil at sight
But Heaven to the touch.

Such bittersweet serendipity it was
Loving someone like you for a good lot of time
But afterwards
The numb settles down upon my heart
And I'm left with disconcerting theories
Of what it could have been like
If you had stayed just one more time.

I'd just like you to know I do remember everything
From the first day until the last.
I remember that you were wearing a gray t shirt
Jeans, and a black jacket when we met.
The date was January 6, 2012.
We met at a basketball game at the high school.
You were there for wrestling
I was there for cheerleading.
I remember hearing you make snide comments
Just audible enough for the person intended to hear.
I remember being captivated by those blue eyes.
I remember the last words you said to me
Harsh and unforgivable
But of course, I had already accepted the apology
I knew would be coming my way.
Because, ****, I remember everything.

I remember the way he firmly gripped the steering wheel
So different from the way his hands caressed my sides.
I remember the way his voice sounded when he joked with his friends
And how it changed from the way he spoke my name.
I remember they way he glanced at others
A huge difference from the way he locked me in his gaze.
I remember the way he hugged his friends
Not nearly as passionate as the way he pulled me in.
I remember the way he would sit at the school
And the way he would sit on my bed... just different.
And so perfect.

It feels like
A rippling tide,
Crashing down
Above your head.
A pulling sensation
Over your heart
A little to strong
To be gentle.
A screaming wind
Piercing through your body
Stabbing at your ears.
A horrendous lunge
From a hungry lion
After failing to catch prey.
At the same time
It’s like…
A lullaby
Gracefully pulling you
Into a deep slumber.
An energizing drink
From a cup of gold
After a year without rain.
The feel of sultry lips
Pressed on your skin
Urgent, but slow
Creating a rush from within.
The cookies your mom made
When you were a kid
A delicacy you’re hoping
You would receive again.

Hell, I loved the sly smile
That emerged from his eyes
Then slowly spread across his face
Til it was perfectly wide.
I loved how it showed in his grin
When he would laugh at my awkwardness
Like we were both children again.
I admired the seriousness
That would spawn from within him
When I begged him to stay with me.
I cherished the moments
When he would accept my heartfelt invitation
And just hold me quietly to his firm chest.

Thoughts like that
Are the kind that will remain
Encapsulated in my mind forever.

The thing about us, babe,
Is that I didn't love you from the first word
In fact, I despised you then.

But suddenly there you were.
And you hit me like a freight train.
And after that I turned into a little mess.

Every moment after
I thought about you,
Not me,
Not him,
Not society,
You.

Even though I cannot always say it's been you
I can tell you that you're the one who actually mattered.

I think it'd be kinda neat
To watch your heart
Fizzle and spark
And ignite as bright as can be.

Because maybe
Just maybe
It'd be interesting to watch you suffer
The same way you used to watch that happen to me.

Isn't it funny
How when someone leaves you
That they're the only person
you'd want to talk to about it?

Once the cheap liquor
Creeps into my veins
I'll pick up the phone,
Dial you number,
And scream out your name.
I know nothing has changed,
But I'll try anyways
In hopes that you'll realize
You won't find someone who loves you more
For the rest of your days.

I wish
I could hold you heart in both of my hands
And be allowed the opportunity
To toy with it all I want

And then maybe
You could feel what you are doing to me
And you could stop devastating
Every aspect of me.

Nine forty- three.
I look at the clock and that's all I see.
It wouldn't be so grim
If it didn't remind me.
But those three digits
Are the start of your phone number
And that lobs me back into a cycle
I never desired to enter again.

And the damaging memories don't resurface
Just the gleeful things manage to pull through.
And I find myself
Relearning to miss all that was you.

Her eyes were sullen, hollow, desolate.
Her skin worn thin.
Her bones, they trembled
With every step she took.
Her stomach was empty
Her hands frail as sin.
Still she tried
even though
she'd never be better again.

It was like an orb
Growing in the pit or your stomach
Pushing away all the vital organs
Making it hard to live.

The parasitic bulb
Infuriating your body
Annihilating the temple you are.

And although it may seem foreign
This is keeping you alive.
The process is consuming you slowly
But gives you a reason not to relinquish.

This abomination inside of you
Is slowly waning
Eliminating your life supply
Coming up short
Taking away all you've ever known
Dragging you towards the land of the soulless.

What is this orb, you ask?
Well, simply put, it's love.

When I think about the day
The day you will leave me
The day you will slowly begin to escape my memory
The day I will completely disappear from you
The day it will be as though you and I have never existed
I start to wonder if you’ll ever really be gone
Or if your presence will linger with me
When I’m sitting in my car with my friend on Saturday night
Or when I’m cuddling a pet to my chest in the comfort of my room
Or when I meet someone new, someone a lot like you
My dear, I’m starting to wonder if it’ll always be you