Tiara I S: Poems

89 · Mar 2020

Tiara I S Mar 2020

Nothings coming out right
It all feels like sludge
Slippery **** like sludge
That pools under cotton socks
See- that- that was descriptive
That's what I was missing
Still most all words are frantic
Jumbled incomprehensible feats

89 · Mar 2020

꿈 [dream]

Tiara I S Mar 2020

꿈 [dream]

everyone has dreams while I just wish to sleep

89 · Nov 2019

his words: you don't really like me

Tiara I S Nov 2019

his words: you don't really like me

tears slipping from shut satin lids
curled up body exposed to the cold
deflation pumping slowed veins
it hurts so much- to know he
never felt the same
I sit and I remember those days
days I allowed myself to feel
I was naive- I was spontaneous
I somehow tripped into a pond
that was two inches deep
yet I drowned in first love
and choked as it killed me

88 · Nov 2019

Wanting Moon

Tiara I S Nov 2019

Wanting Moon

I wanna fall apart into pretty pieces
Scattered in your palm
Blown in your face and shoved down your throat
Choke on my glitter because I'm not okay Because of you
I wanna waltz in 4-lane traffic with you
Twirl and extend me into the path of an oncoming semi
Bite your finger off and stir my drinks with it
I wanna fall apart because I know you'll leave me in pieces

86 · Nov 2019

Moon Cursed Pond

Tiara I S Nov 2019

Moon Cursed Pond

How do I get over something that never happened
But manifested from within a beautiful thought that snowballed me to death
Its lonely here- without even a tangible memory
It was never real- I made it all a fairytale
It dissolved when you brought me back to reality
Disillusioned and mistaken- I still rock back n' forth two years later
All I've been battered with surmounts into colossal tons
Weighs me down as I try to get over
Get over something that was only real to me
Was only real to me
It was too pretty to throw away so now I carry the curse
And I sit beneath the moon making the same mistakes

83 · Mar 2020

fragile

Tiara I S Mar 2020

fragile

bubble up and dissolve
I bubble up and dissolve within myself
all the time- day after day
thin membrane stretched taut
only billowing breath holding me up
growing and climbing up
with a *****

I'm snapped back in
collapsing within myself once more
soap solution never strengthening enough
to hold me up to solidify my existence

81 · Nov 2019

--- --, you ruined me.

Tiara I S Nov 2019

--- --, you ruined me.

I saw it all with lightning fast details
It struck my heart and made it start
I suddenly learned to breath
You held me close and snapped my neck
Day after day I wept
I knew so little of your kind
I should have stayed in line
But I want to hold you face and give you the world
Even if I lose my own
The the day you left me I bled out in the street
I didn't know till too late- why did I try to rush fate
Or is god so cruel that I will never have you
And that's all Ive wanted all this time

68 · Mar 2020

You Are All Apatheticically Pathetic

Tiara I S Mar 2020

You Are All Apatheticically Pathetic

I stand and no one is still with me
All moving ahead- bumping into me

I speak and no one listens
All moving in and out the other ear

No one retains me

They let me bleed from their palms

Never do they grasp me
Never do they hold me close
Never do they enjoy me

I wish I could slip into a comatose

Rise when I am stronger

When others words don't wind me
Others looks don't slice me

When I find the balance
Between empathy for me and apathy for others

Because I often ignore my needs for all others wants
And I'm not used to being labeled selfish for taking care of me

Yet no one would dare do the care or do the same for me

56 · Nov 2024

20221224

Tiara I S Nov 2024

20221224

forced joy bleeds me numb
and disturbed reflexive expressions make me wonder
if I have the right to paint my corner grey
its not my fault we all take up some sort of space
and you're not strong enough to avoid my swirling vortex
so don't look at me like I spat in your strawberry parfait
when I left mine to melt 'cause of my sedentary ways
leave my presence if I'm not happy enough for you
I'm not begging for your toxic help- and I'm not always this way
just this section of the planet's revolution
leaves sand in my gears and grinds a paste lightning could strike to glass
so leave me be- forced joy bleeds me numb
and I have the right to process my own demise

47 · Nov 2024

20220620

Tiara I S Nov 2024

20220620

I cried oceans as a child
and scream rivers now as I look back
labeled lazy for hanging on
when I was holding on tight enough to bleed
crimson fingertips hidden behind smiles
laughter and just trying to live for others' sake

42 · Nov 2024

20220726

Tiara I S Nov 2024

20220726

butterflies ***** out the mouth- ascend into the atmos'
smooth soft supple skin teased beneath a tongue
color emotions in the hues found in the night sky
gripping jiggly flesh- spill out until you're spent
all that's felt should be thrown out- that's how you've dealt
devour women one after the other- crush any flicker of feeling
caterpillars line your gut and acid dissolves any cocoon
lies spill past your lips like oil from a busted ocean rig
arms envelop and lightly sway- tickle her ears till crystallized
swear she's to blame when- you flowered a monarch of expectations

men.

39 · Nov 2024

drowned then, treading now

Tiara I S Nov 2024

drowned then, treading now

I miss the way it felt-- never
my present is my best present
and my gifts are years overdue
so sick of the life I was always told what to do-
never for myself- always for the sake of other's moods
I never knew- how tormented I was
until I cut the rope from around my neck
swam back up from the ocean's depths
the weight of their expectations sinking
yet there's phantom hands shoving me under
before I can catch my breath
the sun's never been within my sight

220729

37 · Nov 2024

20220702

Tiara I S Nov 2024

20220702

capture my soul within a wavering grasp
a cracked egg through a grate
slipped out of frame
im a forest war and you're blind with a grenade
im not as simple as my appearance seems
truth is covered up simply
so simply its dismissed- expunged

34 · Nov 2024

depression is gelatinous

Tiara I S Nov 2024

depression is gelatinous

tear it from my body- inky tendril by tendril
fuzed into my spine- commanding me when I'm nervous

I'm swinging from a pendulum, so high I'd crack my skull if I fell

choke it down so far down- the black phlegm that lines my lungs
that spit soaked yarn expanding- and collapsing with my breathing

I laugh behind a palm that hides black spores
eyes so dead behind my smiles
coughing- spitting up tar so vile it nauseates

I sleep with all the shards haunting my peripheral
fragmented memories pungent with

emotions I can't soak off
scrub and scrub- wish to rinse off down a drain

how is no one else seeing the stains-
that coat my skin in layers of ink
dripping from my skin and splashing with every step I take

220804

33 · Nov 2024

20220629

Tiara I S Nov 2024

20220629

tell me all the ways to stay awake
I'm sleeping on sunlight
the moon ignites synapses to charge
don't know a dream from reality
I'm counting every single last seam
no one is real since these walls keep turning
cocoon my thoughts away- I'll steal them back
drown my sorrows in the melatonin
all it does is buzz and hiss at this pink machine
insomia's a blessing when nightmares attack
waking daydreams in shuddered hisses
go back into the time sleep was a need
not a vain want wrapped in disease

30 · Nov 2024

98°f is a fever for me

Tiara I S Nov 2024

98°f is a fever for me

I've seen it for years
the red ribbons
fluttering and snapping to wrap around me
tighten me to a cocoon
I cannot breathe
fever dream encasing me so extreme
sweat broken and ridges remain in my skin
I've felt it since I was thirteen
the red ribbons
tightly threaded to my body
holding me down in a limbo of safe and caution
bitter pitted cherries smudged on my lips
tingles that chase down my spine and frozen limbs
discomfort is home and I don't go out much
and when sickness strikes me I know the red ribbons will follow

I always get sick around my birthday & it's usually a fever with hallucinations

27 · Nov 2024

20220703

Tiara I S Nov 2024

20220703

but will you like me
prolly not

my looks tend not to make up for my existence

I dance in rooms on fire
forget to extinguish all the flames I set ablaze

that is- if memory is a pair of glasses
foresight is 20/20
and I'm legally blind to the rules of society
can see the shapes but they make no rhyme
why bother when its not a crime

I'll tell you I'm not fine when you ask me
I'll change the subject if discussing weather is not what we should discuss

my heart lines my throat when I think about
the fact that I turn off people when I open my mouth

Im a 180 from my appearance to my personality

don't like me for my looks alone
they're not set in stone
my character though- seems all want to chip away

neurodivergent but attractive (according to society)

#neurodivergence

23 · Nov 2024

k!lled again

Tiara I S Nov 2024

k!lled again

wanna jump off a cliff and fight the elder gods

descend into hell- where else do I belong
I've never been able to graft myself into this time

everything falls apart- born so far from the yams

vanquished foes rise once more- my reality

I'm all too numb to the threat of my reality
wake up disgruntled and turn over to sleep
madness awaits me- I dream it so often

knife extended to the heavens who've forsaken me once more

220607

— The End —