it is painful and numbing
To wish for hate to flood
I cannot hate you
Even if you do not let me go
But drop me
On my face onto concrete

City lights are so blinding
Blurring my tears
I swing on the moon
Sip from the devils brew
Just to momentarily forget you
Dont lift me so high
If you only wanted to drop me
Blood swells in my mouth
I choke on my heart
Your silence is deafening

Tires screeching in the night
Prolonging the inevitable
An accident at the center of my world
I let you in too close
I should have gotten better security
Tell em your description
This wont happen again
Except it will
It has
You're the first to get this close
To drop me from so high
I will cling to you in those seconds
Not life- not living- you
Made my life bearable
Did I hurt you accidentally
When I poured my poison
Into a glass
You tossed back toxin after toxin
Of mine
Like it was nothing
Did I hurt you
Did I change you

This numbing pain clings
Like your whispers across my skin
As you ran through me
Shivers igniting me aflame
You were always my favorite
I melted in your arms
It felt safe and warm
Did I push you away
When I put up defenses
When I simply was there for you
Or was I nothing
Did I demote along the way
Was I not enough
Did I not give enough

I didn't try hard enough
I wasn't enough for you
You think of me as irresponsible
Yet I did my best
It wasn't enough
I wasn't enough
Even at my best
You wished for me to be better

I'm sorry I am not enough

Ripped from right now
Shoved into a yester-year
Eyelids parched- eyes seen too much
Eyes seeing too much
Jazz numbers haunting in step
Voices clawing down my throat
Don't recall what it was
Tastes of a frenzy and fear
Click clacking resounding
Fingers gripping after not before
Nightmares heightening
Tangling into- another disassociation