Tiara I S

Tiara I S Nov 5

20221224

forced joy bleeds me numb
and disturbed reflexive expressions make me wonder
if I have the right to paint my corner grey
its not my fault we all take up some sort of space
and you're not strong enough to avoid my swirling vortex
so don't look at me like I spat in your strawberry parfait
when I left mine to melt 'cause of my sedentary ways
leave my presence if I'm not happy enough for you
I'm not begging for your toxic help- and I'm not always this way
just this section of the planet's revolution
leaves sand in my gears and grinds a paste lightning could strike to glass
so leave me be- forced joy bleeds me numb
and I have the right to process my own demise

Tiara I S Nov 5

depression is gelatinous

tear it from my body- inky tendril by tendril
fuzed into my spine- commanding me when I'm nervous

I'm swinging from a pendulum, so high I'd crack my skull if I fell

choke it down so far down- the black phlegm that lines my lungs
that spit soaked yarn expanding- and collapsing with my breathing

I laugh behind a palm that hides black spores
eyes so dead behind my smiles
coughing- spitting up tar so vile it nauseates

I sleep with all the shards haunting my peripheral
fragmented memories pungent with

emotions I can't soak off
scrub and scrub- wish to rinse off down a drain

how is no one else seeing the stains-
that coat my skin in layers of ink
dripping from my skin and splashing with every step I take

220804

Tiara I S Nov 5

98°f is a fever for me

I've seen it for years
the red ribbons
fluttering and snapping to wrap around me
tighten me to a cocoon
I cannot breathe
fever dream encasing me so extreme
sweat broken and ridges remain in my skin
I've felt it since I was thirteen
the red ribbons
tightly threaded to my body
holding me down in a limbo of safe and caution
bitter pitted cherries smudged on my lips
tingles that chase down my spine and frozen limbs
discomfort is home and I don't go out much
and when sickness strikes me I know the red ribbons will follow

I always get sick around my birthday & it's usually a fever with hallucinations

Tiara I S Nov 5

drowned then, treading now

I miss the way it felt-- never
my present is my best present
and my gifts are years overdue
so sick of the life I was always told what to do-
never for myself- always for the sake of other's moods
I never knew- how tormented I was
until I cut the rope from around my neck
swam back up from the ocean's depths
the weight of their expectations sinking
yet there's phantom hands shoving me under
before I can catch my breath
the sun's never been within my sight

220729

Tiara I S Nov 5

20220726

butterflies ***** out the mouth- ascend into the atmos'
smooth soft supple skin teased beneath a tongue
color emotions in the hues found in the night sky
gripping jiggly flesh- spill out until you're spent
all that's felt should be thrown out- that's how you've dealt
devour women one after the other- crush any flicker of feeling
caterpillars line your gut and acid dissolves any cocoon
lies spill past your lips like oil from a busted ocean rig
arms envelop and lightly sway- tickle her ears till crystallized
swear she's to blame when- you flowered a monarch of expectations

men.

Tiara I S Nov 5

20220703

but will you like me
prolly not

my looks tend not to make up for my existence

I dance in rooms on fire
forget to extinguish all the flames I set ablaze

that is- if memory is a pair of glasses
foresight is 20/20
and I'm legally blind to the rules of society
can see the shapes but they make no rhyme
why bother when its not a crime

I'll tell you I'm not fine when you ask me
I'll change the subject if discussing weather is not what we should discuss

my heart lines my throat when I think about
the fact that I turn off people when I open my mouth

Im a 180 from my appearance to my personality

don't like me for my looks alone
they're not set in stone
my character though- seems all want to chip away

neurodivergent but attractive (according to society)

#neurodivergence

Tiara I S Nov 5

20220702

capture my soul within a wavering grasp
a cracked egg through a grate
slipped out of frame
im a forest war and you're blind with a grenade
im not as simple as my appearance seems
truth is covered up simply
so simply its dismissed- expunged