It seems no more real tonight

Then it did almost two months ago.

Listening to your CDs.
Loving you
Missing you.

And life goes on
Somehow

And it doesn't seem real.

Times like now,
I wonder what it would be like to never eat again

To give up

Lately I've been not myself.

Trying to keep from breaking down in all the inappropriate places. Those seem to be the places where the emptiness hits the hardest.
Church.
Birthday parties
In public.
In crowds

I look at my sister and apologize
I'm not the person I use to be.
I'm no fun. I'm no joy. I'm no peace.

I look at my husband and apologize
But he hasn't noticed.

Only around friends and family of my deceased am I able to capture snippets of joy.

And pretend.

What haunts me now,
Is the possibility of awareness that she had.
I thought she didn't.

But
If she did

Then I should have fought harder
Reminded her more
That my love for her could never go away.

But

I ran. Scared. Inadequate. Unprepared.  

And now I'm alone.
All of my regrets and terrible nightmares
Just sitting here. Smoking a cigarette.

Waiting.

I've smoked so many cigarettes my throat is swollen.
I'm
so
high
from painting.

My dining room is different. Brighter,
just enough

to keep me from the edge.

I don't know why it pulls me out,
May be I'm
channeling her.

Oh darling,

Why did you leave?

It's nearly 6 am,
I'm alone.
High.
Suicidal.

Wishing for you and Charles Bukowski.

Wishing for happiness.

for joi de vie.

I painted.
It's nearly sunrise,
but I survived.

Good Morning World,
I lived to see the day.

In honor of you,
despite of you.

Will the day dawn that doesn't bring devastation?

Without you,

life is just so
dark.

love you. Miss you. Wish you were here. .

That day. When your blood was not yet dry on the concrete. Is not so far removed from tonight.

That day is so real in my mind.
The call. The frantic drive. Stopping and yelling out your name. The cop saying they had gotton a call d.o.a.  I didn't believe it.

Til I rounded the lake and saw your brother
Head in hands.

"She's gone."

"Like gone gone."

And all.I could think was that there was no way that it could be true. That life was inconceivable with your absence.  

And tonight that seems
The same.


So mom.and I break down going through your things.
And still
Find it
Unbelievable.

When the phone rings,
I wonder

is it bad news

Always, I have a brief moment of panic.

I've never gotten the bad news over the phone. I found out you were dead on a sun drenched mountain top.

when ever I receive phone calls, I stare at the number, relief at unknown or business, terror if it's someone I love.


The side effects of living through your suicide
are the kind of side effects that anti depressants warns you about.
Depression
Nausea
Suicidal thoughts
Manic behavior


I was a better person when you were alive.

Now the world sees me,
wanting change.
Calls me naive
and tells me to do something about my dreams.

But what I am really asking for, is confirmation that someone gives a **** about someone else.
That Me,
and You,
we are connected.

I need to hear that someone will help.

I need to feel
like certain people think I'm awesome. Because I value them, I want them to value me.

And you,
you always thought I was amazing. You always felt like
I could change the world
and you offered
to
go with me.

I can't think about you being gone,
because I can't fathom a world without you in it.

What would I have done differently if I truly realized how much
life could change?

I would have held on to you,
not left you alone.

I would have forsaken all others,

now isn't that just.


Heads up,
damage control,
the sun has exploded

and I needed her to survive.

Strangers passing in the hallway

I once knew you very well my dear

We could have taken over the world,
But now

We're just like everyone else

How do you do it?
Pretending that this life is worth something

When it's something that we once would have killed with a vengeance.

I want more.
More than shallow conversations
Trivialities about our life

You ask me how my day at work was,
Distracted, staring at your phone
Your constant companion

Fine, I tell you
(Even though it was not )
You don't want to know. I don't want to tell you.

I can't participate in this farce any longer.



We're not friends.

Haven't you noticed?


I can't keep my head above water
And have the energy for another shallow relationship

With someone who I once loved
With my entire being

R.I.P

Last night we were in the desert. I was alone first. Hiding from bombers. Then you showed. We hung out. Then you and me and b hung on to each other. I wanted you to stay forever. You told us both you couldn't stay forever but you'd be back. Then some strange occult counselor tried to tell me I was crazy. **** I miss you.

Living life without you,
Not so bright.

If I think too much, slow down, allow myself to think about the absence,
.
I can't do it.

So I work til I sleep. I watch Netflix to the point of oblivion to everything around me.

You would not be proud.
.
There is no joy.
No beauty.

I am what I hate. I am nothing like you.
I want to be better I want to change but there's nothing left. it seems all the happiness you took with you is impossible to replace you took with you all my joy my dream my words my friends nobody can understand nobody can helpI'm doing something just so you know taking a yoga class try to make friends but in the quiet I know you're not there when I stop running working sleeping watching I know how much I've lost and how little I have left and you are the only one person I could have talked to you about it you could have helped me by just existing I don't have you and I don't have anyone this is so debilitatingbeing alone this is such a whiney whiney rants so selfish and pointless because no matter how many words no matter how much I try to think and process and feel it doesn't f** matter because you still won't be here and sometimes I don't think I can make it through but ultimately I have to because you doing what you did made it so painfully obvious that we are responsible for each others happiness responsible to each other to stay alive just one can set off the chain and I won t be that one.

I've been waiting for you to come back.
For months.
And now it seems ill wait forever.

Heavens suppose to be a relief.
I'm not supposed to grieve like those without hope.

But my hope was that you'd survive.and I don't know how heaven will be like.

I'm not scared of dying but I'm ****** because we will never binge on food at grandmas. We will never watch ****** tv shows.

I'm pretty sure heaven doesn't have terrible "reality" tv.

Hope. Hope?

May be your hope is realized.

My hope is that ill wake up



And find this has been a terrible dream

Because this perspective is something I've never wanted.

She is terrified by commitment/scared of turning out like parents+husband&wives;/like we often do/scared of losing her independence/scared of a time when she won't have him around anymore/scared of symbolizing her love by way of marriage b-c what if he wakes up one day and doesn't love her/then she might realize that she's not worth it/ a big fool revealed in the eyes of the girl in the mirror./

                   BUT DESPITE THE LOOMING LIKELY POSSIBILITY

she can't live without risking that making that possible mistake/ToTrust/ToFeel/to possibly be made a fool of for the sake of love.

They both float away in the wind

I wish I could have saved you.

I wish I could have saved you.

Life, it just hasn't seemed worth living
Writing has seemed worth doing
And God seems not to be returning my calls.

I'm just waiting for heaven to get internet
Or
For a time machine.

I would start all over. In case I couldn't stop you again, then at least I could spend another 23 years by your side.

Everything is wrong without you.
They call every thing that you said a lie,
And it's not worth fighting about

We never really gave a **** about what they had to say. ..

You once wrote that you couldn't live without me
And the reverse is true.

I truely stopped living that day. Stopped caring stopped loving stopped being able to

The fact that I won't hear your voice until I die is debilitating.

You promised.

Never. Never. Never.

So I stole some ashes and keep them in a zip lock bag in a non bpa plastic gelato tub.

What will the cops say when they search my car

I'm too loved to quit,

But too broken to love.

You gotta stay alive

You gotta find balance

You.gotta get control

You gotta create beauty

And

You gotta know,
I'm here.

When you're free, when you're locked up, when your confused

I know that you want a different life
and I want you to know

That I know the darkness of the caretakers
I know the pain that was inflicted

Everyone may pretend it never happened
but
be assured
I know about the salt
the emotional abuse
The dark nights and the burning days

The hate and the love

Do not be ashamed.
Seek the truth

For the truth shall set you free.

I've watched you struggle and I know not what demons you've been fighting against. and know only seems to matter after you've won or lost.

Jacob didn't know who he was wrestling with at first, he only knew he mustn't give up.
just like you.
don't give up.
The problem with the past and with secrets is that until we confront the truth and deal with it. and win against it, and banish the lies, we will always be hurt by it.

So here's the truth.

Growing up was hard, even hell. It's a miracle that anyone survived. There was egregious wrong, even evil and too few moments of joy or happiness.  You had the first hand experience of it. I had the knowledge of it after. And to survive it, compromises were made: HAD to be made. Embracing the truth and letting it be known was too dangerous and difficult for children. So every one kept quiet. And then as children got older the instinctive habit stayed.

I marveled that you all didn't go mad. But I think you guys did, in your own way. Isn't repeating the same actions and expecting different results the definition of crazy?

If I have learned anything it's that desire alone to not become something does not prevent it from happening. I am my parents and their relationship every day until I mold healthy and better habits. I am the victim, the aggressor, the *****, and the bully.

Until I stop putting myself first.Being the one who does wrong or is wrong makes me into a monster.

And a victim is a helpless wronged one. Lets be honest, we're not helpless. We're not victims. We do this to ourselves.

I haven't been on speaking terms w/God even bore she died. I think the moment of greatest disconnect was when she claimed his as the reason for her destructive behavior. I knew God was not in this . But I still stepped away. Months later, when she was taken from me, I didn't blame God. part of me knows that this is going to be made into something good. And I know, that for this to happen means that he had to allow it.

But for me to admit that means that I have to admit she is gone. It means I have to embrace a world w/o her and embrace a God, who knew it would be this way. And I just can't let her go yet.

And I know that sound .crazy.

She's............. .

But I'm not ready for her to be gone. This is NOT my timing. And morever, since the diagnoses and break down, I have been waiting and hoping for the day that she would come back.

'Cause I lost her before I lost her to a sickness of the mind. And I just want her back. And now all I have her in is memories.

Now, I'm terrified that I'm going to lose You. But here's the thing. You are stronger than she was. She was sick, and unable to pull herself up.

You and I both knew that this was not her, that she would have never done this, not this way

and not to you.

She didn't **** herself to end the pain of the past. She killed herself to end the pain of the future.

She lost all hope.

And she caused us to lose hope.
But to not grab it back, would be worse than what she did.

We are stronger than our weakest moment.

And you are stronger than this.

I watched a video of you today

And all I cold think was how ******* strong you looked.
And I'm grateful. Really grateful for that moment when your strong body and strong mind was forefront
Instead of what I usually see, a broken mind and a blown apart face.

Because most of your life
Was a celebration of it.
And you were able to be there and be here and love and live and laugh and cry

The last six months of your life have dominated mine the last five years. And I'm hoping that the old memories will spring forth soon.
I hope that they're not ruined.
Like a water soaked book
Abandoned and allowed to dry together

Dear Lord,
Let me remember.
Because those times, may have been the best in my life.
And with you gone. All I have is the memories.