Living life without you,
Not so bright.

If I think too much, slow down, allow myself to think about the absence,
.
I can't do it.

So I work til I sleep. I watch Netflix to the point of oblivion to everything around me.

You would not be proud.
.
There is no joy.
No beauty.

I am what I hate. I am nothing like you.
I want to be better I want to change but there's nothing left. it seems all the happiness you took with you is impossible to replace you took with you all my joy my dream my words my friends nobody can understand nobody can helpI'm doing something just so you know taking a yoga class try to make friends but in the quiet I know you're not there when I stop running working sleeping watching I know how much I've lost and how little I have left and you are the only one person I could have talked to you about it you could have helped me by just existing I don't have you and I don't have anyone this is so debilitatingbeing alone this is such a whiney whiney rants so selfish and pointless because no matter how many words no matter how much I try to think and process and feel it doesn't f** matter because you still won't be here and sometimes I don't think I can make it through but ultimately I have to because you doing what you did made it so painfully obvious that we are responsible for each others happiness responsible to each other to stay alive just one can set off the chain and I won t be that one.

They both float away in the wind

I wish I could have saved you.

I wish I could have saved you.

Life, it just hasn't seemed worth living
Writing has seemed worth doing
And God seems not to be returning my calls.

I'm just waiting for heaven to get internet
Or
For a time machine.

I would start all over. In case I couldn't stop you again, then at least I could spend another 23 years by your side.

Everything is wrong without you.
They call every thing that you said a lie,
And it's not worth fighting about

We never really gave a **** about what they had to say. ..

You once wrote that you couldn't live without me
And the reverse is true.

I truely stopped living that day. Stopped caring stopped loving stopped being able to

The fact that I won't hear your voice until I die is debilitating.

You promised.

Never. Never. Never.

So I stole some ashes and keep them in a zip lock bag in a non bpa plastic gelato tub.

What will the cops say when they search my car

I'm too loved to quit,

But too broken to love.

I miss desperately everything you represent.
You too.
I miss you selfishly. I miss how good, and young, and hopeful I felt around you.
But also, just desperately miss your friendship
Our conversations. Our laughter. Car drives and mix tapes.
And I miss our kind of friendship.
Surprisingly deep.
And kind.
And wonderful.

and I wonder,
Do you miss it too?

Is that why you stutter
And stumble.
Make awkward small talk.
And get away as fast as you can.
I hope not.

And I wish you
The very best.

We could never be
What you hoped
But we were wonderful for a time.

I hate that time passes. I hate that you're not here. I hate that you gave up. I hate that I'm marking your 30th alone.


I don't hate you.
But I'm still really angry.

And I don't feel like celebrating.

I just
Want
My
Life
Back


Happy birthday darlin

Strangers passing in the hallway

I once knew you very well my dear

We could have taken over the world,
But now

We're just like everyone else

How do you do it?
Pretending that this life is worth something

When it's something that we once would have killed with a vengeance.

I want more.
More than shallow conversations
Trivialities about our life

You ask me how my day at work was,
Distracted, staring at your phone
Your constant companion

Fine, I tell you
(Even though it was not )
You don't want to know. I don't want to tell you.

I can't participate in this farce any longer.



We're not friends.

Haven't you noticed?


I can't keep my head above water
And have the energy for another shallow relationship

With someone who I once loved
With my entire being

R.I.P

Miss you so **** bad today.

Sometimes there's no explanation for suffering.
You can't reason a purpose for the last breath, bullets exploding from their chamber, or a silent exodus of a soul.

When our hearts are tortured,
When oxygen turns into an enemy instead of a reason for being alive

We search.
For purpose.
For reason.

That doesn't exist.
Not on this side.

There's no good reason for losing soul mates or hope.

Its a broken world we're traveling through.
And sometimes the cracks catch the vulnerable and the broken

Another bad break, poor luck for the luckless.

But it never stops us wondering.

Why. God. Why.

I took my own advice,

so now I'm searching for extra jobs.
He may not pay much but it was something.

Funny how once I took it,

I'm finally alone.
And I'm not scared.

I can be alone.
Without Sisters.
Or Husbands.

But I will not be a plan B any longer.

My safe arms aren't to protect you from your stupidity.
So trust in men if you want,

but actions speak louder than words,
and I
won't
Be
held
back.

Sometimes we have to suffer for our sins.
Our carelessness a grenade, it's pin half pulled.
Just because we don't mean to do evil, doesn't mean we don't.
And just because we have good intentions it doesn't mean they turn out well.
And sometimes,
We deserve to suffer for the pain we've cause.

The pressure weighs down.
Sometimes suffocating.
But it's all I have left.

My lifeline.

The feelings are gone.
Emotions, only quick fleeting.
Than nothing.

Joy for a min. Anger. Pain. Sadness. Then once again,
Empty.

My love for you I know exists, even if I can no longer feel it.

My love for you is deep, and lasting,
Even if my arms lack the warmth
And my body has lost its emotions.

So if I can't give you pure unabondoned joyous love,

Then let me love you with this new normal.

Let my physical acts
Make up for the loss of sparkle in my eyes.
And the loss of who you once knew.
I am your slave out of choice
Knowing that who I was is gone,
And trying to make peace with who I am now.

I will preserve what is left
If only to stay with you and be there for you
As little as that can mean now.

I watched a video of you today

And all I cold think was how ******* strong you looked.
And I'm grateful. Really grateful for that moment when your strong body and strong mind was forefront
Instead of what I usually see, a broken mind and a blown apart face.

Because most of your life
Was a celebration of it.
And you were able to be there and be here and love and live and laugh and cry

The last six months of your life have dominated mine the last five years. And I'm hoping that the old memories will spring forth soon.
I hope that they're not ruined.
Like a water soaked book
Abandoned and allowed to dry together

Dear Lord,
Let me remember.
Because those times, may have been the best in my life.
And with you gone. All I have is the memories.

If you love her.....


You'll *******.

It's such a narcissistic day dream/nightmare to think that even if you:

( perpetrated a pattern of behavior of abuse, lies,
if you constantly took them for granted,
if you caused them to question their own thoughts, their sanity ,
if you took advantage of their vulnerabilities,
if you treated another human being that you purported to love like they were not deserving of it, or knew you could act how you wanted to and they would probably stick around because of your mutual commitment .....)

That YOU still deserve happiness with them. That they should have to heal from YOUR *******, not because of how they should heal to move forward and become healthier but because YOU love them and they should be with YOU because it would make YOU feel good.

Just simply *******.

Because honestly, you shouldn't have to hurt someone and lose them to realize what love and their value is.

And that love you feel didn't stop you from hurting them before.

And it doesn't stop you from being a better person in the future.

We all mess up, we all act in ways we shouldn't sometimes.

This is not to say you should give up on love or give up on becoming a better person. You shouldn't. But you also shouldn't pretend that how you treated them wasn't somehow indicative of what you thought they deserved.

And if you have changed, if you have grown, if you ACTUALLY love them, you'll apologize. You'll be truly remorseful. And you'll *******. Because some one out there will recognize exactly what a treasure they have in the person who is beside them. They will build them up, they will protect them, and they will cherish the beautiful soul they can not believe they are so lucky to be partnered with. And they won't have to treat them like **** to realize it. 

You can love someone and not be compatible. You can love someone and also recognize that you will never be able to make them happy in vital and important ways.

And you can *******, and pray that they can heal from your wounds and find what they deserve.


Here's my confession:
If I had loved you like you and I both like we  deserved,  we would have been done long before I found those messages. Before I disconnected. Before we were both so miserable. I stayed. And it was cruel. I allowed your treatment of me. In the name of marriage and commitment and thinking that love meant being there even through bad behavior. You risked my health, my heart, and my future. Because you were just as much of a coward as I was. Because you were worse. You had information I didn't. You lied to me. And you lied to yourself. Because love would not allow you to do the things you did. You loved yourself more than you could ever love me.


So *******.

I want to be like him.
Take all the hate, the ugliness this world has to offer
And not let it change me.
Only fuel my desire to change, help the hurt, and heal the broken.

True kindess, true love, the strongest tidal wave of change and light.

To be able to hurt and sit with the pain and my broken brother and sisters, and not let hate fill me.

Because Hate seems like one of those things that makes it easy to take self righteous and understandable anger, transforms it into a harmful force, no matter the rightous cause.

And if one can harness true love and kindness, and not let it change the heart and soul into a weapon, not let the evil and darkness poison it, but rather rise above

That's a real super power

You can do what you want to me, yell about my perceived weaknesses. Try to tear me down, try to make me angry and bitter,

But I wont stop loving you. I wont stop believing in your intrinsic worth. We may battle for right and wrong, may disagree and fight,

But you will never cease to be a being deserving of mercy, grace, love. And redemption

We can be better. Let's be better.