Hopefully this spark isn't so easily extinguished.

My distrust for others
was a learned trait.
I wish that it was easier for me
to accept the fact
that people will always surprise you;
even if the gift they give you is loneliness.
It's my own fault though.
I am constantly calculating
how each decision I make
will ripple in the lives of others.
Often I find myself alone
amidst my own thoughts and quiet reflections
in the dark.
The world is full of risk takers.
People willing to put their all
into the idea that happiness
exists in all of us.
Well, not in me.
I perceive the world in rainbows of grey.
I see the lines as a muddled mess,
reminiscent of a tangled ball of string.
If only I knew which thread would untangle
the frayed misery in my head.
But most days that task seems useless.

It's been a year since it happened.
When it did, I told myself
that every action I made from then on
would be for the better.
But clearly hindsight is 20/20.
I keep letting your horrible decisions
control my life, and even though
the pain is gone,
You still manage to ruin my life.
One of these days though...

I finally got to see your smile again.
It was worn, and obviously tired,
with a little bit of lie touching the corners.
But it was there.
You asked me how I was doing,
"Fine, Better even" escaped before
I could tell you how I really felt.
This is really hard,
pretending like you aren't
the first and last thing I think about
before I close my eyes.
God woman, you **** me off sometimes.
AllI wanted to do was
close the distance and take you in my arms.
Even if it was the last time,
I wanted to feel the thunder in my chest
when I kissed you.
But all I said was, "Fine."
As time goes on, maybe things will change.
I hope you wander back onto my path
and we can look back at this
like a history book.
But for now I will continue on my own.

I think it was the way
Your hair fell across my lap
As you slept.

Or maybe it was the way
I watched your eyes light the room
As you looked for me.

Or it could have been the smile
On your face the first time
I awkwardly kissed you.

Maybe it's the way your
Hands trace love notes into
My arm when you want my attention.

Whatever the moment,
I knew you were the one
From the beginning of it.

And even though I know
The exact moment that I had to
Choose you,

Every moment since has been
A subtle reminder
That it was a risk worth taking.