Shelby W

Shelby W Jan 2015

17
i need you to come back.

16
i wake up in a hospital.

i hate myself.
i need someone to stay.

16
i am so happy.
i think the pain is over.

my mom pulls me off of the floor.

16
my boyfriend loves me.
he leaves bruises on my body
and he knocked me out
but i love him.
he needs me.
he gets angry when i do not answer my phone.
he cares.
he wants me.

15
i stop eating.
i attempt suicide 5 times.
i have no friends.
i love pills. i love razors -
no one stays, but they do.

14
i cut myself.
i sit alone at lunch.
i love pills.
i do not believe in god.
i rip my hair out.
i am my mother's burden.

14
mom.
sister.
i can’t breathe.
how is it possible that i am drowning when i'm breathing in air?

13
mom.
sister.
a quiet home.
the silence strangles me.
i need a friend, but i have no one.

12
my step dad's funeral,
my grandpa brings his new wife who hates us,

i am angry.
i am alone.

12
my mom is home,
i am excited.

my world fell apart.
i never said goodbye.
i hate myself.
i hate this world.
nobody stays.

12
my mom and step dad,
mom leaves to stay with him in the hospital.
i want them both here.
he is my best friend.
i hate hospitals and nurses and hospital food.
i hate. i hate. i hate.

11
my mom and step dad,
he goes to the hospital often.
when he is gone, we order pizza and eat noodles
i hate the taste.

10
my mom and step dad,
mom hides his pills.
he searches for them frantically, like a scavenger hunt.
i love step dad.
i hate pills.

9
my mom and step dad.
my step dad is very sick.
my step dad loves pills.
i love my step dad.

8
my mom and step dad.
my grandma's funeral,
she was my best friend.
i feel alone.

7
my mom and step dad,
they don't scream.
i loved being a flower girl,
i felt pretty.

6
my mom.
did I do something to make him go away?

5
my daddy couldn’t wait to leave.
why is daddy leaving?

4
my mommy and daddy
are screaming,
why are you angry?
daddy tries to hurt me,
did i upset you?
i am sorry if i did

3
my mommy and daddy
loved us so much,
and we loved them.

2
my mommy and daddy
and sister,
welcome to the world.

1
my mommy and daddy
loved me.

0
my mommy and daddy
couldn’t wait to meet me.

Shelby W Jan 2015

when you feel your heart breaking

when you feel your heart breaking
your body will start shaking.
you'll look away,
curse the tears because they didn't stay.

when you feel your heart breaking
your chest will start aching.
your lungs will cry out
and you'll gasp as you fill them through your mouth.

when you feel your heart breaking
you'll spend all the time faking.
hold your breathe,
pretend you aren't aching.
slam your eyes shut, tell yourself you aren't breaking.

when you feel your heart breaking
the shards will impale your weak chest,
they'll cut you open and make you shriek in the night
the nightmare doesn't end when you open your eyes.

when you feel your heart breaking
you check your chest for the proof
but there's nothing there but the skin
you wish you were not born in.

Shelby W Jan 2015

1.19.15

it often occurs,
every time
hurts worse

it all piles up
like ***** laundry in the basket.

does no one wash their clothes anymore?

Shelby W Jan 2015

1.10.15

i am numb
and i guess
that is progress

Shelby W Aug 2014

how to lose her

forget to tell her goodnight
after you have
made her cry,
she probably cried in her dark bedroom all alone
while she held her childhood teddy bear
close to her chest

tell her that it's all in her head
and that she is overreacting
when she is starting to break down
and tell her to stop when she starts
having problems getting air into her lungs

tell her you'll call her,
but instead go out and party all night
and make out with random strangers
who you find attractive in your drunken haze

Shelby W Jul 2014

myself

what's so great about having this
head full of ideas
and heart full of readiness,

what's so great about having this
ignorant notion of love
pulling you down everyday?

when will he come back?
will someone ever be able to take away the pain?

what's so great about having my heart
when i have no one?
i have no one to share it with.

what's so great about life?
i have no one to share it with.
no one to laugh with

Shelby W Jul 2014

watches

the days are a blur
i've started wearing watches to remember the date
because it's hard to remember
the days keep changing
when they all feel exactly the same.