you're in my thoughts
you never leave my brain,

i tried to cut you out
but nothing but blood
goes down the drain.

i have learned that people can say
"i love you" without meaning it
and that you can now break pinky promises,

i've learned that people don't see you in a big city,
they only see themselves
and the flashy machines.

i've learned that driving into a ditch takes more courage
than i've ever thought
and that if i ever did
people would care more about the jeep
than me

i've learned that people are temporary
just like their feelings
and that mine
are a lot less.

i've learned my worth this year,
i don't know if i'll ever amount to much more
because who cares about a walking disorder
with so much on her plate,
i wonder if she has ate?

please don't stroke my back
i might fall in love again
your touch pulls me in

and i'll take another pill
just so i can forget that
you lied,
you are the worst and best person
in my sad world,
you are the worst actor i have met
in my life.

and after i turn off the lights
my demons receive their queue,
they will crawl out from under my bed,
to me it's not anything new.

they crawl up on my bed
and snuggle real close,
some whisper in my ear
the others get into my head.

they sink through my skin,
take over my veins,
they infect the blood
that pumps to my brain

every night without you
feels exactly the same,
i've been so numb and cold
every since you let me walk away.

To my younger, more innocent self:

Your childhood days will fly by, they'll slip through your fingers.
When you are older, you will look back and miss them more and more as your world grows colder with each passing day.
The people you have now will not remain your life, some will depart by choice, and some will die in shocking tragedies.  
Hug grandma every chance you get, help her garden and kiss her goodnight. When she’s gone, you’ll wish you had.
Don't cry when Andre spanks you, you deserve it every single time despite the fact that you think that you do not.
Recognize that his healthy days are extremely rare moments that you need to cherish every single second of.
Also, hug him more, because when he dies you will stay up for countless hours every night trying to remember how it felt to enfold your arms around him and squeeze.
Hold his hand while he lies dazed in the hospital bed; tell him that you love him every single day. Also, kiss his forehead even if he is unconscious
Never forget his laugh, you will spend hours a day wishing you still remembered it.
The sun you see now shines so bright and your smile is still so wide and genuine, remember how those two things feel.
You will grow to hate yourself; you will no longer love your smile or your frizzy curls, you will do everything to conceal both.
The picket fence painted on your bedroom walls will be painted over one day, the butterflies you painted will be as well.
Dakota will grow up, her puppy days far behind her. She won't cuddle with you anymore; she will push you away and hit you in the face with her tail as she walks away from you. Maybe you should train her..
When you get older, mommy won't let you sleep with her if you have a nightmare; she will tell you to drink some water and dismiss you to your room.
Play dolls with Olivia more; she will not want to play with them anymore when she reaches age 12.

Never forget the nights you spend running around wild in the back yard as the sun sets, those will be some of the best days of your life.
Stop wanting so desperately to grow up, I promise that it is not all you think it will be, it is actually the complete opposite.

This letter was not written to scare you, it was written to help you realize that childhood is something to cherish and enjoy, not to waste. I’ll see you in the mirror in a few years. Be good to yourself.

winter /ˈwintər/
noun:

new cuts and long sleeves