Four, nearly five years ago, he was 4 years and 11 months my senior. We would stay up most of the night. Together. Then I would wake up and he would be gone. And after a few months it became a normal thing to wake up alone. Undisturbed and a little cold. Make the bed. Put away dishes. Gather my things. Go home. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Until one day he was gone for 8 months. No goodbye. No farewell. Just a break up text and disappointment. I would wake up and he would be gone. But this time he would be thousands of miles away. And all I could think about was water. And where the heck he could possibly be. But not wanting to write, because I didn't want to bother him. But I drank and caved in. I was tired of drowning. It was hot there. Over 100 degrees. He sent pictures and wrote back quickly. He came back. He showed me things he bought from other countries. I smiled again. He showed me more pictures. He got a dog. Fast forward another year. I would wake up and he would be gone. It was a normal thing by now. We had a routine. Make the bed. Put away dishes. Play with the dog. Gather my things. Go home. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Drown. Tell him how I felt. Radio silence. 10ft down. Explain how long I felt that way. No explanation from him. 20ft. No apology. 30ft. Direct questioning on how he felt. Dodged and avoided. 40ft. Go to bed. Wake up. And he's gone again. 50ft. 60ft. And it's cold. I can't feel my toes anymore. And it's getting dark. Play with the dog. 70ft. Make the bed and put away dishes. 80ft. Gather my things. Go home. 90ft. Silence. 100ft. And I'm done. I can no longer breathe. And I can no longer swim. I am sinking. And the pressure of the water is crushing my lungs. For two years I choked on sea water. I lived and I died. I waited. But I didn't cry. At 100ft under the waves tears are pretty pointless. After two years of wanting this thing, this person, I no longer want it. Because it doesn't want me. But I'm still afraid when I wake up. And the bed is empty. And I still panic when someone walks out the door. Because I never know which time will be the last. Or which ocean they're about to cross. And my childlike awe and innocence were thrown overboard and forgotten. It created an obsession for that lifestyle. So I became it. I woke up early. I pushed myself farther than I thought possible. And after years of watching him put his on, I earned my own uniform. And I went back to him. But I felt nothing. I surfaced. I can swim again. I have no feelings. I don't even have ill will anymore. He's only a friend. And there will come a day, quite soon, actually, when he will go home. Halfway across the country. And he won't be back. And I won't see him again. Ever. And that's ok. Because people leave. And sometimes they don't come back. And you're cold and a little disturbed. But you make the bed. Gather your things. And leave. Now the one who has panic attacks, the light sleeper, the one who holds a pillow at night to take the place of a body, and the one who begs you not to go, becomes the one who can't be tied down. She leaves. She drifts. Floating on the waves alone in peace and absolute terror. But not love. Not hate. Because she lost all feeling about 100ft down.

The best part is, 5 years later you're begging for me to enter your life again. Once or twice a week, you're inviting me out with you and your friends. You're asking me what I've been up to, where have I been and why haven't I seen you lately. But I'm here. I have always been here. You were the one who left. Every morning. Your time has passed. I was young and dumb. Which is why you probably never cared much. Understandable. I grew up. And now you see my worth. But so do I. And I will never allow myself to be disrespected like that again. Lesson learned. Now it's your turn to wake up alone. Make your bed. Put away your dishes. Gather your things and go home.

When I was younger, I thought my sign was a water sign; Aquarius - aqua - water. Water. Water which must be contained, restricted to the shape of its container. Cool and calm. But Aquarius is not a water sign; it is an air sign. I am not restricted like water. I am unable to be contained, as the wind. I can be a gentle breeze on a warm day, cooling your dampened cheeks. I can carry plant spores to grow new life in new lands. I can run through your hair, refreshing your soul and mind. I can power wind farms and provide electricity for mankind.
Or
I can whip the seas into fury. I can down the world's largest ships. I can uproot trees and destroy any home. I can blow down buildings, and turn sand into tiny, stinging bullets. I can force tears from your eyes. I can move earth. I can carry airplanes...or drop them. I can bring warmth or coolness.

I am ageless and forever. I have no end or beginning; I simply am.
The fate of nations is at my whim. I am not water. I am the wind. I am unstoppable.

It was as if the clouds gathered on that day just for her. Her tears summoned the shade and they floated gently in her direction on the breeze of utter dispair held in one girl's heart. But we all know clouds don't move for people. They don't move for businesses or countries or religions or even very sad souls. They just are. Like her sadness. Maybe it was just there. Hovering above her grey world. It just was. And she should do nothing but glance around and accept it. She couldn't control it. And like the clouds, her sadness, too, would eventually, slowly, drift away.

And I say boys loosely because you remind me of animals.
To all the boys who didn't listen to me.
To all the boys I mistook for men.
To all the boys who made me what I am.
One, thank you.
Two, this is what you have done:

I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to care
All I know is to please; and it doesn't matter where.

I said no, you kept going, I pushed you away.
You laughed, I was drunk, I would do what you say.

I was scared to use force, I didn't want to upset you.
I'd rather be the one hurt once you were done and through.

I know it's not my fault, but I feel that it is.
I invited you over, I didn't intend on a kiss.

I know I said no, I know I tried to keep my clothes on.
But you're stronger than me, you made me your pawn.

Once you're inside I don't know what to do
I push your hips away, but you keep coming through

It does feel good, but this wasn't my choice.
I just wish I was louder, where is my voice?

I put myself in this position not only a time or two.
But several, never ending, a cycle I tend to do.

I know how it ends, I expect it by now.
You just want my body, it doesn't matter how.

So everyone that I meet, I offer to please.
You oblige my desire, my insecurity it feeds.
If I don't do this, I'm assuming you'll leave.
It's all I know, this is what I believe.

I don't do it for me, I question myself, or do I?
I don't know anymore if I should smile or I should cry.
I say it's independence and I'm doing what I want.
But I think I've been brainwashed by *******, nonchalant.

It dawns on me now, I'm sick in the head.
I don't know how to date, without getting in bed.
How can I find a man to love me and stay,
If I give it away on the very first day?

I can't help myself, I'm obsessed.
With these thoughts and fears I've so repressed.
Each year I get weaker, but I think I'm getting stronger.
I don't know how to stand for this abuse much longer.

There will come a day when a gentleman finds himself with me
He'll be polite and perfect, nothing wrong that I can see.
But I'll scream and I'll fight the second he touches my skin.
The PTSD, brainwashing complete, I am broken within.

I say no to the right ones and yes to the wrong.
So I start to believe it's what I want all along.
But this sick feeling inside that just won't go away.
Of the boys I turned down, and still got their way.

I'm an addict for sure but not of *** or the act.
An addict of pain for me, this I know for a fact.
An addict of pleasing the men who enter my life.
Whether they love me or leave me with a scar from the strife.

So I'm here telling my story
In all of my disgusting glory
I'm trying to recover
A cure I must discover

To save me from myself and any future pain
I'm hoping I can erase all the scars in my brain
I want to start again, fresh and anew.
I want to start again, and I want to start, with you.

And it's at times like this that I've needed you the most. But you're not here. I could possibly text you, if I dug through my papers and found your number that I deleted three weeks ago. Or I could message you on Facebook if I didn't have too much pride to unblock you. But you left me for a reason, and I'm still coming to terms with it. I miss you. And when my life is a mess or I'm having a bad day, or I'm feeling lonely, or bored, or extremely happy, I want to tell you. But I can't. Because I told you that I wouldn't contact you again. And I won't. But I'm writing to myself, to spell out that it's very, very hard not to. What's even worse is that I should hate you. After all that we've been through and after all that you did, I'm still sitting here missing our friendship. And all the hate and anger and fear that have been coursing through my veins for the past 7 months quietly subsides when you enter my mind. For some strange reason, I feel no ill will towards you at all. I don't know why, because I should. I should hate you, or at the very least really, really dislike you. But I don't. I just need you. I need a friend. I need a friend like you. I need YOU. But I can't.



And I'm trying to stay "strong" and pretend I can handle this on my own. It works for the most part. But for the past month and a half, I've just been waiting for the inevitable breakdown. I've felt it coming on, but it just hasn't happened yet. Like the growling of Mt. Vesuvius or the slight tremors before a devastating earthquake, it's coming. I'm just waiting for myself to snap and cease to function. And I have no one to tell. Except you. Because you understand. Because you've been there. And you are the single human being on the planet that can calm me and stop the breakdown. Or maybe you can't. Maybe you'll just hold me until it's over and everything will be alright again. Maybe. But never. Because you're not here and you never will be. And I'm trying so hard to come to terms with that.



But you were an amazing best friend. I told you anything and everything. Nothing was off limits at all. It was freeing. You were my freedom. You've worked hard to support me and I'm incredibly thankful for that. You pushed me through literally the most difficult times in my life. But as soon as I seemed to be ok, you vanished. And now I'm sitting here mourning your loss like a confused puppy. It's pathetic. And in order to avoid calling you or texting you, I'm sitting on my couch writing this, trying to make myself hate you for abandoning me, but I can't. It's not working. I'll never hate you like I should because I loved you. I love you. And if you called me at 3am asking for anything in the world, I would be delighted to bring it to you. But you won't. Because you don't love me. You never loved me. I was a crutch and a rebound and now I'm a thing of the past. And I have to remind myself over and over that my illusion of seeing you again and seeing the shock and surprise and pure joy on your face at the sight of me, is just that; an illusion. One that will never come to pass.



You were my best friend. And now you're a ghost. And as much as I need you, I need to get away from you even more. This is what you've done to me. This is how you make me feel. And that's not healthy at all. I'm obviously unstable enough as it is. Even if you came back from the dead, who's to say when you'll disappear again and leave me hanging once more? I don't need you. I need to rely on myself. Not an ex or an ex friend or ex best friend or anyone else in the world. Me. Just me. The hardest part about any problem is admitting you have a problem. Here I am admitting it. The next step is admitting you need help. Here I am admitting that I need help. The next step is asking for help. This is me, asking for help. And getting it. I'm looking up a mental health counselor today. I miss you, Richard, and I miss our friendship. But this is me also saying, I'll never see you or talk to you again. And I'm not ok with that, but I will be. In time, I will be.

How does it feel to miss something that was never yours?
To feel your heart burn daily for a lost love
who never loved you solely?
Is it truly lost, then?

How unimportant, used, betrayed, and lied to I feel.
He has someone new, and I stand here searching.
Struggling and fighting to keep an even keel.
Doing anything to keep my stomach from lurching.

I feel alone, lost, afraid, and unwanted.
Cold, embarrassed, angry, and haunted.
I'm weak, upset, distressed, and disheveled.
The walls of my heart, completely leveled.

But they're up now again, never to fall.
Never to lean, the strongest of all.
So thick and mighty like a redwood tree,
No one and nothing will ever get to me.

This chill you feel here in my soul?
It reaches my bones and dims my eyes.
I embrace the cold to only feel whole
I spread my wings to fly over the lies.

I lie to myself, I lie to them, and I lie to him.
I'm convinced it's all ok, all alright.
Hoping no one can see the pain inside,
My heart's fire slowing to an ember dim.

It gets better day by day, night by night
I'll find a way to do what's right.
I'll move on, just as he
I'll be as strong as that redwood tree.

I'm a sapling now, small and weak.
I'm very thin and my voice is meek.
But give me time and water my roots
And you can be the first to ******* fruits.

Seek it out, and ye shall find
You're the one to release my mind.
Lend me your wings or teach me to fly
One way or another, I'll touch the sky.

He's not a bad guy, she's not a bad girl
But thoughts of them make me hurl.
She smart and she's pretty,
She's nice and she's witty.

He's handsome and tall,
He's wonderful, all in all.
I should be happy, I should be glad
But all I feel right now is super sad.

I have good days and I'll have bad
But half the time I'm raging mad.
Break ups are not easy or fun
But sometimes they must truly be done.

I've fallen for a pilot on the USS Bush
A life impossible without a great push.
See, I desire to be a Marine
Strong, proud, and incredibly pristine.

Two officers together but always apart
Far in distance, but near in heart.
No one can say what the future holds.
But I can't wait to see what unfolds.

I'll find myself with or without him.
I'll earn my wings and so much more.
My dreams will fill my heart to the brim.
My dream be in the United States Marine Corps.

Alone or together I know I'll be me.
This life or the next, I know I'll be free.

the gazer, he is called.
he calmly watches the world around him.
he analyzes threats and joys.
he sees clouds, sun, planets, and people.
but this one stops him.
this thing.
it stops him. and it stops his heart.
this one, different thing...

first a description:
he is nothing miraculous
funny, because i love him
that, in itself is not a miracle.
for love is easy. it's blind and cruel.
but this...this feeling
whatever it is....it is unworldly.
this one, different thing...

here's the poem, here's some lines,
i'll try to make sense, i'll try to rhyme.
here is a special few verses
for the special man who nurses
not mine, but our weary souls.
this one, different thing...

-begin-

his past is as dark as his hair,
heart as light as his eyes are fair.
he is smart, but no genius
he is strong, with no meanness

he has a name which gives him no favors,
his voice is a sound that never quavers.
his family, a gem
not of glass or stone,
but one of him,
one of home.

to be polished and cleaned,
shined til it gleamed
scratches run deep
as it's surface will weep

but family, none-the-less
a gem, but i digress.
this is for him, not them.

he is taller than i,
he sees but is blind
but when i come to mind,
i open his eyes.

in a flash i arose, i shot through his sky
i lit up his world with my light and my try
i'm a once-in-a-lifetime
i'm a half-witted rhyme
i'm a comet, you see
flying alone and flying free.

but this flight was different.
every pass 'round the sun, i grow weaker.
my tail shortens, my ice is spent.
my voice becomes meeker.

as i shot by above the earth's sky
i spied with my little eye,
a man.

i've seen many men.
i've seen planets.
i've seen rocks.
i've seen just about anything a comet can see.

but this man. he stopped. and he looked.
right at me. right through me. right through me.
i may have been wrong, i may have mistook,
but when i saw him, i saw me, i saw we.

i'm not the only comet he's seen
but i am the brightest.
the time he's spent on earth
with rocks so mean,
they make diamonds look weak
(like the ones on her hand)

but i am the brightest.
i'm the cleanest, i'm the rightest.
that's why we froze in time.

but for a moment,
a fleeting, shining, bursting moment in time.
he made me want to stay.
he made me want to lay
on earth.
with him.
forever.

but this is not the way of comets.
we come and we go
we shine and we glow
but we never stop.
we never halt.
we never drop.
we don't show fault.

but this man, he stopped me.
my orbit slowed
my heart showed
i stared and i lingered
i grasped for his fingers.

he dragged me down to the hell on earth
we danced and we sang and giggled with mirth.
this man and i, had this thing.
this one, special thing.

but, as the way of comets, i desired to leave
i wanted to fly, i wanted to believe
that i had a choice, i had a say
in my present and my future day.

not true, not true, not true at all
this man made me stumble, this man made me fall.
he held me down and stole my flight
i begged and i pleaded to only his delight.

i am no longer a comet, bright and flashing
i am a rock with an icy core
but a heart still dashing
evermore, evermore.

he took my sky, my light, and space
but i had my heart, just enough to save face.
i still love him to this day
i love him and i will stay.

he melted my outer layer while freezing my soul
but i am still me and i will recover in time
his wedding ring lies on the counter in a bowl
and i'm here waiting to make him mine.

september can't come a day too soon
he's cheated, he's lied his way to the moon.
but he's here now, today, this moment in time.
he's honest, he's changing, and soon he'll be mine.

i trust and i believe with every fiber of my being
that we were meant to be, just the time will be fleeting.
wrong time, wrong place
there's nothing we can do to change the ways of fate.

this is how it will be.
he will walk away and i will be free.
i can wander, i can fight, i can die.
he will live, he will work, he will lie.

some things change and others do not
i accept him as he is and love him with all i've got.
there is that one special person that you never forget
he is mine in this lifetime as she was his, which i regret.

i wish it was me. i wish he could see.
i wish i was there. i wish life was fair.
but years separate our bodies and we
will never be one even if we did so care.

wrong time, wrong place
we were never meant to be.
but i will love him and he will love me.
soon we'll separate just to save face.

time will pass and nature will weather our core
our minds will be lost and our souls set free
maybe then we can truly be. you and i, him and me.
evermore, evermore.