if i told you id like it if we all studied together would you report me. would you call me out would you say it to my face could we have a conversation or would you even notice. perhaps youre too busy tutoring the student that is nice but never studies. perhaps all you can see is the potential or is it really just the past. i feel like you are holding on too tightly to something that wont return i feel like i am lying i am reading too closely i am angry i am jealous i am overanalyzing the text but she wouldnt tear the paper for you, couldnt hold the brush. but i guess thats just not what everyone wants.

a flock carried the horizon across the window and i think about what i wanted to look at in that mirror when the covers were reflective of nothing in particular. i dont think that this is entirely sustainable but i cant bring myself to anything different

theres no green in the calendar
but whats it matter to me
maybe some things shouldnt be seen
i suppose its better to be separate
and honestly youre uninvited
its so enticing but frequently in reality
it only makes me sicker
i know im pickier, a lot more particular
like saying well trade circular
but thats a ******* line
(god forbid the take outs delivered)
i can only take it so many times
its starting to surface more often
like cutting my losses
sometimes i wonder if i should apologise
what is to life but to compromise
i guess ill unhappily trot along
and maybe ill choose to forget what i want

i would write a poem down
but that would be "a waste of paper" wouldnt it
something you dont want to read
i mean theres no one else right
theres nothing else right
a magazine can only ever be read
the only want the only need
theres no one else right

"im trying to be quiet but im yelling at you"
i dont think you understand the meaning of that word
i dont think you understand the meaning of a lot of words
like love or family or boundary
who can say theres a problem when theyve repackaged
it doesnt need to be solved if it isnt an issue
you dont need to learn if you already know
that control is a synonym for care
that power is the definition of parenthood
you are entitled to manipulation afterall
i must apologize that i forgot

isnt it so wonderful
and why arent you happier
maybe you could write it down
but i think that would be a waste of paper
wouldnt it

sometimes the poles of the earth dont quite line up
i know the physics of the situation doesnt reflect it
but ive seen it happen

if earth is the mother then who is her daughter
and is geomagnetism recessive
or is it more of an affordance
becaue sometimes i feel like ive been near her
like ive felt her gravity tugging at my skin
its hard to describe the way she says my name
when my eyes are tired and my limbs are heavy
i can never tell if its a misfire in my state of partiality
it always does feel like neurons colliding sideways
like rubbing a thistle backwards
but theres a certain charge in the air every second thursday of the week
there are moments of clarity in which i can taste the shift of atmospheric pressure
in which i feel such elusivity formed concrete so briefly
and in these moments i can just make out the reddened sky through my half lidded perceptions
my neck will prickle and my cheeks are always wet with tears but i can never pin exactly why
the trees beyond my window are no longer green
and theres someone at the door i think
but thats when i will fall asleep
i never meet the visitor i never see its face
at least i never quite remember when i wake
but my hands will have a certain texture on those mornings
and it doesnt really wash away but rather fades until i can no longer recall if it ever even happened or if finally i will break

i came across a tutorial on propagating roses
my windowsill is full of propagated succulents
but i had never realized it applied here too

you once mentioned your dad was proud of his garden

on your twentieth birthday, i brought a bouquet for your parents
your mom asked me what type of roses they were
she rather liked how they smelled

we had a stack of empty yogurt pots on the counter
so i snipped a rose hip, planted and honey dipped
i wasnt sure if that family party was a recurring event
but i was deeply lost to your breath
absorbed in delicately moderated intent

we came to pick you up for your twenty first birthday
your mom asked us what kind of jello we would like in our shots
but you still had yet to invite us

the weekend-of i asked if your dad liked to garden
i asked if your parents would like a yogurt-potted rose
i asked if you would like a sapling
he was hesitant to accept, leaning towards no
its already a lot to keep up with what there is
though it was never specified which
and i think im falling out of love

but i wonder if i will ever tell you about the part
of how long that rose was on my patio, and through winter, inside
how from the very start
it was for them for you for this the future
it is hard to go, but i think i have become the executed suitor
as it would seem i am incapable of compromise

and i wonder if i will ever tell you about my heart
of how lately ive been thinking
that i do not really hope i will survive
sinking into tears alive
til love do us part

step one
to fall in love is to be expounded deep beneath the sea floor
imagine yourself with the entire ocean waiting patiently behind eyes
did you know that the average window is three thirty seconds of an inch
and the water at the bottom of the sea has a pressure over one thousand times that of the standard atmosphere
windows to the soul, you never stood a chance

step two
elucidated complicated and delicate
as if there was ever the option, but your mind will always romantacise, rationalize, projecting in masculinized manners
you think that you're so important, so perfect, so pliable, but truly you are simply periodic
this is when you start to find it harder to look past the inconsistencies, the unpuncuality, the irresponsiblitiy
throwing woodchips and delivering food for two
you can no longer pass this off as temporary

step three
the first person to ever say that they would like the opportunity to try
the first person to -
the first person to -
i certainly love you

step four
this isnt really about letting go is it
but there is the feeling welling up inside
as if about to filter into something different
something duller dimmer translucent thinner
will i ever would i wither
could i weather let it simmer -

how do you hold on to a burning pan without handles
when you have worked many years
when you have found a golden hour between two palms
when there is nothing you want more

beaten down by sand in glass
i wonder if i will be okay when it finally does pass

i cannot live on with it in my reach
i cannot survive letting it slip
yet neither could i ever grasp it ever keep it

step four
breathe in

step five
you will never be the same again
but you will be alive