I've tried to make choices in the past
They always ended in downfall for my sanity
And I can't do anything but repeat them because
I love the feeling of lost control
I love to cry
To feel the tears streaming down my face
I love that nobody knows just how scarred
My stupid and thought out decisions
Leave me in the end
And it pains me to say that I'm addicted
To this certain sadness
I cannot live without this pain
Because then I'd be boring
Then I wouldn't understand other people's scars
Whether the ones I see lining their wrists and thighs
Or painted in the depth of their actions
And as a mental killer
I understand that the pain is more real for some people
Than it is for others
But it still exists in every person I've ever met
Because nobody exists without that sliver of pain
That they're addicted to
That makes them normal

One can be an idiot with their adolescence
One can inhale desire and exhale mistakes
And only after they feel good
Do they have to double take
One's thoughts can be controlled
Not monitored, but thought for them
One can be a marionette
The strings are hidden, but the doll a gem
The epitome of perfection rolled into one
And the lungs that breathe in
Don't realized their breaths are unstable
Until the cable is cut at the hands of the men
The ones that decide when it's time to cry
Or when you're feeling down or feeling free
Do you feel anything besides the insanity
Do you really feel? It's instability
All at it's finest and your eyes are set
On a goal that's never been yours
Breathing is a chore because you're being forced
To take a breath for the sake and respect of these ******
Who aren't *****, just *****, just cruel
As cruel as any insult you can toss
And I can throw an insult farther than a person
But I never said I wouldn't stop to try at the sake of your loss
The ball is in your hands but it's always been
I will never count my blessings until I feel I am blessed
But that's my fault because with my adolescence I can't feel
They ripped at my heart until all of this became a ****** mess
Am I less now that I know the truth?
That my youth was never my own just a way for you to hone
Your skills in manipulation
Is it too late to give up and just let you take control?
There's no rule to giving in to let you win
I give up and I know
That all that I give up is enough to hold me back
I've lost it all and my mind and this time I won't get it back
One mistake I was willing to make was my *innocence

The flowers in my fingers have fallen to the floor
They died without a protest
They died being ignored

The thorns that coat my lips have taught themselves to bite
They nip into your fingertips
Yet you don't seem to mind

My singing voice has deepened, no longer a gorgeous tune
But yet you seem to ask for more
You and only you

My hair is only wild when I step out of a tub
But you remove my hair tie
And all that work is gone

My short hair that I was nervous about, you never said a word
It pains me to look in the mirror
Yet none exist in your world

A compilation of dull colors you say?
I see a rainbow, a dazzling array
Of hidden oranges and sparkling greens

*why do i need you to love me?

And once again
Your words leave a scar on my skin
In a way I never could
And I bleed gentle tears of desperation and guilt
I needed you more than I needed myself and I'm happy
I'm happy that I'll never be that self again