Had not he done his selfish deeds
There would be far less of me
Alive and well, able to breathe
But he did them, and they were filled with greed

The power quickly burned his head
And slowly he began to make the bed
In which I breathed my last breath
Before lying peacefully in my death

But still you do not understand
How it felt to touch your hand
After so many years all by myself
My life a story on a dusty shelf

So now I hope with all my heart
You will not leave before we start
Our journey across the empty land
Together forever, hand in hand

Dear stranger,

How did you see straight through the lies I told? How did such average eyes witness the pain clouding my words and actions? You didn't see me as everyone else, but you accepted me like I was one of them.

How?

Do you know how much gratitude I offer to you for not treating me like a fragile piece of glass, yet not recklessly throwing me around like a hot potato? Do you even realize how deeply this affects me, weeks later?

I wish I understood you better, I wish we could've talked longer than we were given the chance. You remind me of someone, yet you don't at the same time.

I want people to see me like I see you, but it isn't like that. They see me as Eeyore, when I really just want to be a Tigger.

But you're more than a Tigger. Your a Tigger and a Winnie the Pooh bear mixed with a hit of Roo. I admire you for that, and wish I could see you more often than not, just to feel like I'm accepted.

Sincerely,
The girl you hugged that night, when you couldn't even remember her name

You seep into my mind like blood through a wound
Your words are the mixture of a gentle caress and harsh slap
I do not understand how you can do what you may and still let yourself breathe freely
I don't mean to be arrogant but I can't see myself doing the same

There were many things you did not say
There are many of the wrong people you didn't deny at your door step
Figuratively of course; even you are human enough to pity a poor outsider
But you would not properly listen to what had to be said by them

I can think you to be cruel and call you names until the sun sets
But you had the sweetest touch, the softest voice, the most needy hold
You acted as though I was every breath you'd ever need to take again
I don't understand, you either lied or stopped breathing

When you left me in the cold winter's air alone

I'm a poet, do I know it?
How could I show what I don't know?
How could I grow from what I can't show?

          Knowledge is painful, do I bleed?
          Ignorance is boring, must I plead?
          For something that every human will need?
          To say or share or sing my pain?
          I'm simply a poet with too much to say
          But ever as such, I have no more to gain

                    I am a poet, does that mean I'm in pain?
                    Singing and crying and lying with shame?
                    Must I pretend that life is always a cloud?
                    That is dark and its only purpose to shroud
                    And destroy all the happiness that I see every day
                    Would that make me a poet, in any way?

                              You are a poet, I can see in your eyes
                              As they scour the ground searching for disguise
                              As they prey on the souls of the giddy and free
                              You are a poet, you are like me
                              And I assume that means you're in pain
                              But looking at you, I see no such shame

                                        He was a poet, with blood on his tongue
                                        Choking, and curling his sin to a song
                                        Singing in tunes with abysmal pain
                                        He made me a poet, he made me feel shame
                                        But I don't need him when you made me feel free
                                        *There was never a poet as happy as me

I can feel it
I can feel its waves licking the shores
Asking
Begging to be let in

It hurts
My chest is heavy and my body is weak
I feel snappish but slow
I don't deserve them

Him, it, life
But I breathe
Barely, as it hurts
as it always does now

Maybe the fact that no one will help
means that i don't need it
and the tears are prickling
dangerous as hell

as they could give away my position

If I call you
Will you answer
Whether you're mad at me
Or can't stand it
That's it's my name flashing
Across your screen
That it's my heart chasing yours
After everything

If I draw for you
Will you accept it
You asked me once if I could
Yeah I remember it
I could sing this over and over
Like it's a song
Shout it right in front of you
You wouldn't even respond

Because you don't love me
You don't even like me
Sometimes you see me
Your eyes just start screaming
And I know this is all my fault
But I can't stop trying
Because it hurts to be near you
You make me wanna start crying

Again and again
With that rude glare
I loved you once here
And I'll still love you there
Because that's what I promised
And I never break those
And no amount of threats or yells
Can change that, you know

I know how you feel
I've seen this before
If I tell you to stay
You'll sit at the door
And wonder how
I'd ever let you in
Because your insecurities
Were your only friend
For so many years
And now that I'm here
I'm hoping this doesn't quite
End in tears

Bright white snow
Is useful as padding
In immature wars
Where we all think we got 'em

Bright white snow
Can soak up stray tears
From harsh windy airs
That cause many fears

Bright white snow
Burns my eyes
I love the sight
Of it's blizzardy miles

Bright white snow
Is beautiful in comparison
To your cruel
Harsh
Vile
Mouth

I'd choose my childhood over you any day

Most people fall for blue
Like the sky fell in those eyes
But I fall for brown
Because they're so down to earth
Almost as much as you
Just like I like you
Or love you, should I say
A first love that has stayed since day one
And hopefully stays until there are no more days
And everything simply is done

She cried and she bawled
She lied and she crawled
Quickly through the fire
Thinking it wouldn't burn at all

And as she lay there dying
With her hair around her face
She seemed to quickly realize
Hell was more than just a place

And as her body convulsed
And her lungs seemed to contract
She knew that she deserved it
For her cruel and devilish act

You can't get by as someone
Without some of you being there
But you cannot make it in this world
If all you do is care

If you could do anything
Out of everything to do
What would you tell yourself?
That you're one of the few?
Who follows their dreams?
And listens to their heart?
Ignoring the truth
Avoiding the start
That shaped who you are
And who you'll be
You're not as rare
As you think you seem
And I'll tell you a secret
None of us are
You're no different
And nor is your heart

You are an ***
That is true
I can't quite think
Of anything good about you

You harass many
Apparently it's fun
I listen to your ******* jokes
Hey, are you yet done?

You're such an ***
I hate your ego
I love your smile
I think you're evil

You make me laugh
Now I want to cry
I know truthfully
You can never be mine

I bury you alive
Or stab you to death
Or cuddle you close
And take a deep breath

Of that scent that you have
That never fades
I say it's annoying
But it makes me swoon and sway

I think this is bad
I shouldn't feel like this
Your my best friend's ex boyfriend
I'm ******* with this ****

Stop being perfect
And imperfect at once
Stop being so funny
I shouldn't have fun

With you 'cause she'll **** me
There's no doubt in my mind
You're ******* me over
And taking your time

So slow yet so fast
You pounce at your prey
You bring me in close
And I count everyday

That you're going to be here
And sigh in between
I'm missing you slowly
And you're killing me

You can write
Whatever you wish
You can think
However you please

But whatever you do
Whenever you do
However you do
Think of me

Think of my hair
Damp from the rain
Think of my eyes
Think of my name

Don't think of those tears
Black on my cheeks
Damning you to hell
Understandably

Don't think of my hands
Destroying our love
Don't think of me then
But think of me from

*before we were crying about it

You were my little daydreamer
My light my love
The reason I breathe

You were my helping hand from the start
The intelligent one
The reason I see

Without you I'm not complete

You held my hand
When I couldn't think
You saw more than I saw in me

I've been told that I don't look depressed
That I'm too confident to have anxiety
But these aren't things that I immediately spill
The first thing I'm ever going to say to you isn't to not touch my shoulders due to bad memories
It's not going to be about how difficult it is to function without hurting some part of myself
I'm not going to throw my memories in your face the second we meet
And that's because it's hard to admit to myself, even
I don't think of myself as someone who's easily insulted and hard to understand
In my mind, I'm an open book that's filled with secrets if you're good at reading between the lines
You wouldn't know that I carry secrets that aren't even mine, that are burdened to rest upon me until the end of my days
You wouldn't assume that that smile disappears behind closed doors
It couldn't possibly be hard to figure out, yet I'm surprised if you do
Because the last person that carried the burdens of my life tried to **** herself
And I'll never recover from that
Because she wasn't the first that tried
And if I keep it up
I could be carrying another burden in no time
Which doesn't help with the fact that I just want to collapse on the floor in a heap of broken cries
I just want to rip my heart out of my chest so that it doesn't fill with pain at everything
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
I wish that the idea of being in a room full of people who don't even know my name wouldn't make me go into an attack
Because I could mess up
I always mess up
And I always get yelled at for it
I'll go into some sort of depressing state if someone pronounces my name wrong
Because I feel inferior to everyone
Because that's all I've ever been taught to feel
No matter how wrong it is
And I hope that my pain decreases over time
Hopefully faster than it is now
Because my chest still caves in, trying to support the tears that clog my throat and blind my eyes
A ringing fills my ears and a piece of me bends in a wrong direction, every single day
I need help

Breathe in
Breathe out
See a mirror
Duck down

Hold your chest
Cover your face
Tears stream down
Let them leave no trace

Your face all red?
That's just from the cold
Your bags are big?
You're just getting old

Your friends are concerned
But not as much as you
The thing to be afraid of
Is when they don't know what to do

and as I sit here
close to tears for whatever reason it must be this time
you talk to me like I'm a human being
for the first time in years.
why?

You know that feeling before your heart drops?
The slow concaving of your chest
And you want to **** and cry
But you're too hurt too afraid

And there's nothing you'll ever be able to do to forget
How badly that hurt, how terrible it feels to not be able
To take anything back
Yet it's allowed to take your happiness
Your smiles

**Everything

I can see your hand
It's right in front of me
Reaching
     Reaching
          Reaching

I'm tempted to grab
But I'm afraid of the one thing that could happen
Falling
     Falling
          **Falling

It feels so much like a game
And the prize is so sweet
Every gaze that is held
Every brief little meet

I don't know what you've done
But I beg you, don't stop
If feels like the world is at a stand still
And I'm standing at the top

The stars are twinkling for me
The moon winks through her phases
I feel like I need more time
I need to meet these new faces

So I'll think more about you
And what I could lose
So I don't take advantage
And start things off with bad news

You used to play games
Now you play tricks
You used to help out
Now you throw sticks
I believed you would always be there
Yanking my wrist
Pulling my hair
I took advantage
But so did you
You promised to listen
Through and through
But now my sanity's dead
Slowly coming to life
If I open my eyes
You'll be holding a knife
I'd run if I could
But my body hurts
I'd love if I could
But my emotions were burnt
By people like you
And memories of pain
And those who surround me
Who think it's a game

I can stare for a long time
And still see the same thing
A selfish cruel heart
That pulls my heart strings
And I'm lucky to have gotten
Out quite okay
Alive and well
Prepared for more days
That I know will suffocate me
Yet I welcome them still
Because through bad or good
I have plans to fulfill
And you could take part
If you wished, don't you see?
Your attitude decides
If you're worth it, to me

******* up
I've done enough
Please hold still
This will hurt a lot.

Why do girls gossip?
What's the appeal?
Why do they hate?
They know everyone feels

Why do girls complain?
About the stupidest things?
They hold petty grudges
About wishes and dreams

But you can't wish for gold
And get it the next day
You have to work hard
Just to go that way

She didn't steal your opportunity
You never took it, you see
You can't wish for gold
Or call dibs on things

It's stupid and embarrassing
I can't be near you
Not when you say things
That are obviously untrue

Why do you gossip?
About people better than you?
Get your own life, girl
You'll have something better to do

"Who do you think you are?"
Is one of the most over-used lines
"What do you think you're doing?"
Just get your own life

You don't have to try
And control what I do
You'll have more success
If you focus on you

So back the **** up
Don't look disappointed
I don't even know you
So you're just being annoying

Why do you frustrate me so
You're bothersome, really
Get out of my hair
You don't know what I'm feeling

******* you to hell
Why are you such a *****
I don't get your attitude
Just back off my ****

Months and weeks consume us as our feet drag in the slowest of shuffles. I've worried for years about my personality and if that's what gets me in the trouble I'm in. Thankfully I have nothing left to worry about, as my thoughts have been more than confirmed. I've infected and emotionally crippled the people I've come into contact with and abandoned, and I'm shocked? I've felt like a horcrux every individual day of my life. And what have I done to change? What can I? How does it take 21 years for a person to develop the ability to recognize their actions and yet still not their face? I feel uneducated about anything to do with myself after over a year of carving myself out until now, I'm more than hollow. I am non-existent, waiting for someone to pick up my crumbling existence and blow it away like dandelion fluff.

Some secrets were meant to remain secrets
You weren't supposed to tell me that way
That wasn't how I should've found out
And now I know
And I can't feel anything
Anything but what you said
In that shaky, quaky, terrified voice
Because I pressured you into spilling
More than just the tears that cascaded down your face right after
The break in your words
The hint of agony
Never again will I hear that
Because I will keep you safe
I swear it
My little flower

Shot
Through the arm
Quite the hole
So much harm

Pink
Infection spreads
But I know that
The pain is in my head

Red
Blood seeps through
My shirt's sleeves
What can I do?

Broken
My heart is broken
My heart is broken
My heart is broken

I wasn’t being rude to you but to him;
He who thought he could scale mountains and climb trees
And jump off all without actually having to fall
I wasn’t being cruel to those who mourn,
But that with which caused the sorrow, as tomorrow
He’ll be not but a fading memory that can’t stick
What’s his face? You’ll cling so desperately to pain
It will be sickening to watch and even worse to try to bear
Until the faint of heart stop beating themselves
Into shuddering piles of agony
We must all prepare for our own destruction
We must make the beds that we will lay in forever

A noose
That's loose,
A hangman's soup
He eats it every morning
Just to do what he can do

To breathe
He needs
That blistering
That smothers all the skin
That's wrapped around his neck

I'm dizzy and swaying
The room needs to stay in one place
Every person is blurry
I can't recognize a face

Maybe this time I've gone too far
Do you even care?
I'm about to let go of love
Will you hold my hair?

Perfect life
Perfect story
Perfect house
Sorta boring

White fences
Picket, at that
Not a bug
Nor a rat

No specks of dust
No dark spaces
But our heads
Are filled with dark faces

That stare us down
And steal our originality
We don't have a "home"
Our future's a dark alley

Through all I've been through
I know my friends will be there
But I have those friends who I know I can't trust
And I know better to say my secrets to them
Because they'd look at me different
Never the same person again
I'm just that person who has got a lot of problems
Who tries to dump them on every person she meets and
Becomes slightly close to
It's a little insulting
But I was never good at keeping a secret and I never will be ever again
My secrets will spill from my mouth in front of those that I love
Someday
It will happen
I wish I was kidding though
Because the thought hurts so much
To the point that some people are becoming as irrelevant as they were
The second we met
I never remember a face
And for that
I apologize
Because every single face is worth remembering
I just forget them as an instinct
Because I am not worthy of such beautiful people
That can carry burdens as heavy as mine
That can smile in free time
Because they're getting along with every person around them
Because they are what I wish to be in so many ways
I want to be funny
I want to be kind
I want to be witty
I want to be special
I want to be tough
I want to be sensitive
I want to be beautiful
And I know that I am
I am all of these things
But I know I am more
More negative
I am rude
I am sarcastic
I am a grudge holder
I am hungry
I am annoying
I am selfish
I am slow
I am not beautiful
And the bad clearly outweighs the good
And that's as sad as my ability to make friends
And my ability to forget that people love me
Because I can't remember what I can't feel
Because I forgot again
And that makes me as ignorant as a stranger to my life

He is a body
That grasps through the air
He reaches for me
No matter how many times I have to
Push
   Push
      Push
him away

He is a mind
With no limits
He hears no cries
Which leave my mouth
Stop
   Stop
      Stop
I scream

But I know that he shall never
Not with me
Not with her
Not with life
Never
   Not ever
      Not even for me


*i was a fool to love him

His warm chest drew me in as his arms guided me to lay
We stared at the stars on a quilted blanket that we found in the cupboard
Neither of us knows whose it is or how it came to be in our possession
And he kissed my forehead
To my temple
To my cheek
To my nose
To my chin
To my lips
..slowly..
..slower..
And we vanish into the hold of the other..

Loosely, her hair fell behind her
Her plaited brown braid
     Swish it went
          Swish like her hips
Flowing back and forth
Through the gentle warm wind

Her shoulders scrunched beside her
With a pistol in her fists
     Bang She mouthed
          Bang was the sound
That echoed off the walls
Right before I hit the ground

*my heart in my throat as my kingdom fell down

I came on here to write
To set my mind free from the constraints
With which press against me as I attempt
To break away from my limitations
To toe over my boundaries
But I've found myself finding the line very...
. . . comforting
I feel very
. . . . . secure
I don't want to move, why don't I want to press?
I've lost my will to fight and I can't tell if it's me
Or if it's just the air closing in
The harder it gets to breathe
The easier giving up seems

I feel so much sadness
In the way that you speak
To me when I'm crying
When my eyes start to leak

The way that you held me
Is different from now
It's all out of sympathy
The love has run down

You left me so quickly
You sped like the wind
And I miss you so sweetly
My old, dear friend

I'm afraid to say
That I know you're here
Liking my work
And I'm honestly scared

What if you don't like
What you see upon my wall
Or what I write in this secluded place
No one knows at all

I didn't think you'd find me
You have me concerned
No one's looked as deep as you
Just writing this simply burns

You've revealed that you have discovered
Something I hold very dear
And I wonder if you'll ever understand
This is my home, here

I don't feel sick.
I don't feel the cold sweat spread across my skin as the infection travels
That sweat was already there
It appears every morning when I wake
Its dampening presence will either grow
Or stay consistent
It comes with fighting for the control over my mind
So be I laying with a fire of infection
Roaring a dangerous path across my
Star bound body and
Constellation of veins
The cold sweat will not be a giveaway
The aching muscles are there with the fight
They grow tense and release
All of my stress before re-clenching
And holding that infection
That's burning a hole through the fabric of my existence
In place
As it casts it upon every piece of my soul
I am dangerous to myself
I am my own demise as every clenched tooth
Begins to clench harder
The stress appearing in the bulging vein
That goes across my temple after
Working its way up my neck