Time is stopped and there is a heart on pause pressed into my shoulder. Like a boulder drawing breaths, his lips are on my neck and his hands are in my pocket. A heart shaped locket takes his place as his plane flies and my heart flutters then lies still like time is paused. All I can do is heave into the hollowed porcelain as my heart clanks like hail against the window of my ribs and I want to drive but the storm is too heavy, like it’s winter and I won’t make it home for Christmas in this blizzard.
I draw his face into the stark white canvas with my brush and it may not match the picture, but it matches my memory as my hand stands still and I want to kiss the still-wet green of his eyes. Each step I take is heavy, like the gravity on saturn has taken me over and it feels like I’m walking without time, as his laugh does not echo the halls. Deserted walls and glass coated floors, fallen pictures from slammed doors, swept to the side with unfeelingly cut feet. Isn’t it neat to be numb to most everything and most everyone?
Friends all pretend saying how I feel should be the song I sing to let the halls ring and fill the silences of my hell. They know all too well they are just acting silly, trying to prevent my grey sorrows from clouding my home the way it will. And it will, whether they interrupt my clouds with their poorly painted rainbows or not. Bared feet trip and a heart beat skips repeatedly against the hard wood floor that is pressed against a face that feels like mine. I know the news before they come; I’m not dumb. Yet it is hard to pretend to such prestigious people that everything in this house is fine.
Men as tall as skyscrapers, dressed as sharply as a new pair of scissors, clip the tips of my fingers to ice cold shreds with a typed out letter and a whispered apology. Like any sorry is going to take my broken heart and tie all of the dead pieces together. Life is paused as I remember the tear that swam in his eyes but didn’t fall. The tear that glided back into his ducts and didn’t survive to prove he’d yearn for me in the lengthening midnights. As though he would have rather been more man than lover and our good bye could be easily cut short. His letters were tear stained and curt, stopped short and sweet so many months ago that I knew then, what I definitely know now, in my heart.
I can’t stop the slam of the door, the noise that falls before it hits my ears as men shocked with the electricity of my energy leap about an inch off the cemented porch. My heart pounds and I can feel myself chasing a target unknown that just grows in my mind’s eyes. I feel as though my friends are spies and if I don’t move fast enough, they’ll destroy my plans and convince me that anything besides what my hammering heart wants will be more valuable. As if there are canons going off, my feet race across the hard wood floors and I know one thing.
I miss him.
But I’ll see him soon.

Lights dim, tears brim, arms tight, just cry
Lights bright, curious eyes, cry more, destroy your shore
A bruise on the wrist, a busted lip, a lack of love, a damaged hip
A call for help, a personal hell, do you know what I tell?



The best part of life is always the pain
And how people react is your knowledge to gain



A feeling of doom that died too soon
You stirred that flame and set fire to my skin
And with this pen I write your name
Over and over and over again



Oranges, pinks, greens, blues
Bright light yellows
Nature's noose

Your lips press against
The curve of your fist
You swing your arm back
You've never missed

My blood splatters noiselessly
My nose busted up
And all I can say to myself is
You've come from above

You've got heaven weighing on your back
And hell squished between your toes
Your words have the power to heal
And you use them on my nose

You sweep me off my feet again
Then push me to the ground
I think I can handle this
Because you never make me stay down

Wade in the waters
That appear through the cracks
Rising up slowly
Through the air that we lack

Breathe in so deeply
Gills grow at your cheeks
Life on this surface
So dull and so bleak

Wade in the waters
That drown us all fast
Taking back nature
And will have the last laugh

Look. I can't change the way that things happened or how they will. I can't prevent you from crying or even hurting at all, and I know that's my own fault. I've stopped time for you but I can't change time in itself, I can't change what happened or how I reacted or all of the things that I'm ashamed of. I'm just. I'm tired of pretending I'm some saint who can fix everything that happened I don't want to pretend for you, you don't deserve that, I've pretended way too much..
If I can stop the world from changing as slowly and effectively as it does.. for you.. for just a second. I just want to show you what you look like to me now and in this moment; so beautiful; so strong and consistent; so deserving.
You'll never listen fully to everything I have to say and you'll never grasp the concept of the fact that you deserve things far better than me. To quote the analogy of a friend.. you're a 50¢ coin.. I'm a penny. I'm the grimiest, most rusted, two faced, over used penny you'll ever see, ever meet, ever know. You know me. And I'm so sorry for the hell that that brings you.
I'm a bitter bully who drags you out, out of her way, into every beautiful place you've ever known and I leave myself there, in a kiss, in a touch, in the whisper of your name until you blame yourself for why you hate them and can never and will never return.

Bright white snow
Is useful as padding
In immature wars
Where we all think we got 'em

Bright white snow
Can soak up stray tears
From harsh windy airs
That cause many fears

Bright white snow
Burns my eyes
I love the sight
Of it's blizzardy miles

Bright white snow
Is beautiful in comparison
To your cruel
Harsh
Vile
Mouth

I'd choose my childhood over you any day

A noose
That's loose,
A hangman's soup
He eats it every morning
Just to do what he can do

To breathe
He needs
That blistering
That smothers all the skin
That's wrapped around his neck

She was just a stranger
Another face in the crowd
One that didn't stand out
One that didn't know how
But he was quite the artist
And enjoyed views such as she
The ones made delicately
The ones that couldn't see
Then the man swooped down like an angel
And rescued her from her life
And painted her how he saw her
Their love sharp as a knife
But he could not bear it
He could not compare to it
For every day before that
Was his choice to repair her
And he painted her forever
Pictures lining all the halls
Before he realized what she wanted
It was too late for she was gone
She disappeared like pain itself
To return when nobody could see
For the next morning when he came home
Sitting tall against the wall
Was a picture of him from her
Captioned "Love came not easily"

I'm dizzy and swaying
The room needs to stay in one place
Every person is blurry
I can't recognize a face

Maybe this time I've gone too far
Do you even care?
I'm about to let go of love
Will you hold my hair?

I fear your laugh but love your smile
Things I haven't seen since you were a child
I fear your hands but hold them close
I love you
They'll never know

You know that feeling before your heart drops?
The slow concaving of your chest
And you want to **** and cry
But you're too hurt too afraid

And there's nothing you'll ever be able to do to forget
How badly that hurt, how terrible it feels to not be able
To take anything back
Yet it's allowed to take your happiness
Your smiles

**Everything

******* up
I've done enough
Please hold still
This will hurt a lot.

Is my life just to end right here? It a chin and I a lone tear?
Am I to fall to my fateful doom, to never return, and if so, not soon?



You broke my fall, tears and all
And help me grow a pair of *****
You held me tight and taught me wrong
Now I'm cold-hearted and you're in love



They were loud and proud and out of control
But they're as human as you, your words still take a toll




His hand in mine
The rain on time
We dance like kids,
Like adults, we kiss

A hug goodbye
Stretched too long,
Like a warm winter sweater
Borrowed by your mom

He is a body
That grasps through the air
He reaches for me
No matter how many times I have to
Push
   Push
      Push
him away

He is a mind
With no limits
He hears no cries
Which leave my mouth
Stop
   Stop
      Stop
I scream

But I know that he shall never
Not with me
Not with her
Not with life
Never
   Not ever
      Not even for me


*i was a fool to love him

I came on here to write
To set my mind free from the constraints
With which press against me as I attempt
To break away from my limitations
To toe over my boundaries
But I've found myself finding the line very...
. . . comforting
I feel very
. . . . . secure
I don't want to move, why don't I want to press?
I've lost my will to fight and I can't tell if it's me
Or if it's just the air closing in
The harder it gets to breathe
The easier giving up seems

I can see your hand
It's right in front of me
Reaching
     Reaching
          Reaching

I'm tempted to grab
But I'm afraid of the one thing that could happen
Falling
     Falling
          **Falling

You seep into my mind like blood through a wound
Your words are the mixture of a gentle caress and harsh slap
I do not understand how you can do what you may and still let yourself breathe freely
I don't mean to be arrogant but I can't see myself doing the same

There were many things you did not say
There are many of the wrong people you didn't deny at your door step
Figuratively of course; even you are human enough to pity a poor outsider
But you would not properly listen to what had to be said by them

I can think you to be cruel and call you names until the sun sets
But you had the sweetest touch, the softest voice, the most needy hold
You acted as though I was every breath you'd ever need to take again
I don't understand, you either lied or stopped breathing

When you left me in the cold winter's air alone

I'm a poet, do I know it?
How could I show what I don't know?
How could I grow from what I can't show?

          Knowledge is painful, do I bleed?
          Ignorance is boring, must I plead?
          For something that every human will need?
          To say or share or sing my pain?
          I'm simply a poet with too much to say
          But ever as such, I have no more to gain

                    I am a poet, does that mean I'm in pain?
                    Singing and crying and lying with shame?
                    Must I pretend that life is always a cloud?
                    That is dark and its only purpose to shroud
                    And destroy all the happiness that I see every day
                    Would that make me a poet, in any way?

                              You are a poet, I can see in your eyes
                              As they scour the ground searching for disguise
                              As they prey on the souls of the giddy and free
                              You are a poet, you are like me
                              And I assume that means you're in pain
                              But looking at you, I see no such shame

                                        He was a poet, with blood on his tongue
                                        Choking, and curling his sin to a song
                                        Singing in tunes with abysmal pain
                                        He made me a poet, he made me feel shame
                                        But I don't need him when you made me feel free
                                        *There was never a poet as happy as me

They tell me I need God
That Jesus is my friend
That, at the rate I'm going
I'll have no one in the end

They tell me I should pray
That my life is in His hands
That if I don't apologize
I'll never understand

How to be truly happy
Though I am, can you not see?
I do not need Jesus
And he does not need me

I feel so much sadness
In the way that you speak
To me when I'm crying
When my eyes start to leak

The way that you held me
Is different from now
It's all out of sympathy
The love has run down

You left me so quickly
You sped like the wind
And I miss you so sweetly
My old, dear friend

Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
       Waiting on the clock release us from whatever confines us. From work or from school. From sleep or from family. For our favorite shows or our favorite books. Or maybe the movie of today to finally end so you can go home.
       The difference between my home and yours is that my heart is embedded in every shift of the sheet and turn of the page, which occurs within the time I label free. Yours is your own, your heart and your soul and what you breathe your every breath to return to.
       My home is a relaxing place with no time limits and no thoughts of please, please be time to leave, just let me leave. My home knows not of my impatience and frustration or my tears of aggravation but it knows of my sorrows. It holds me in its motherly grasp ‘til the 'morrows. It grasps to my positivity and shows me the light that I need to grip the handrails of life and climb the next stair.
       Though we all have different homes, some all alone, others filled with crowds of chit chatters or silence. We are quiet minded in the place that speaks its volumes upon our hearts. In my home I wait not, for I fear not for the impending doom of responsibility, as home will always be there. It will be waiting, waiting for me to rest my weary shoulders onto its freshly made beds and close my eyes, cradled in its embrace.
       I don’t stare at the clock waiting for its tick or its tock.
       I am home.

You can write
Whatever you wish
You can think
However you please

But whatever you do
Whenever you do
However you do
Think of me

Think of my hair
Damp from the rain
Think of my eyes
Think of my name

Don't think of those tears
Black on my cheeks
Damning you to hell
Understandably

Don't think of my hands
Destroying our love
Don't think of me then
But think of me from

*before we were crying about it

Your cats don't care if you're crying into their fur
Because tears dry faster than bathwater
Your dogs wouldn't give a crap if you had cuts or burns on your wrists
Because you can still use those hands to play tug of war

Your cats will still walk all over you
And your dogs will still trip you from beneath

Because you are their master, their owner
You take care of them out of the goodness of your heart

I think it to be absurd if your turtle ignores you
Just for the color of your skin
So why should a human do it?

*Did you all forget that we, ourselves, are animals?

You try and you try
That ladder that you climb
Crumbles underneath your hands

You hold yourself close
You refuse to let go
But soon it's so bad, you can't even stand

There she is, beauty, it's true
She's waiting there, waiting for you

So you grab onto the ladder
And you pull yourself up
To get to her, there's some **** to go through

"You should run away"
She says, at every question I ask
"You should go hide in your room
"And hopefully never come back"

All I can think is how rude she's being
Yet listening to her crosses my mind
But I've ran away for far too long
Refusing to live my own life

"Just shut up, stupid"
She always spits, and yet she's only eight
"Go away, *****. Don't look at me, freak
"Did you see how much she ate?"

What has public school done to you sweetie?
What have you done to yourself?
How could you fall into such a cruel trap?
Do those words belong to someone else?

I always think someone's picking on her
Then I realize it's me
I'm the bad guy in this story, I've always been
And that's probably all I'll ever be

So I'll hide in my room
Just to protect you
I'll keep to myself
And run away mentally

Just don't go bad darling
Don't let me get you
Don't let it catch you
Like it caught me

I'd say good-bye but that's too sad
I'd say good day but that sounds too glad

So I'll tell you that I'll see you again
Hoping you'd respond with "until then"

I don't know words
As well as you do
I'm not very good
At seeing things through

Yet you still want to be near me
How, I'll never understand
Wrapping your arm around my shoulder
Slipping your hand into my hand

Hug me good-bye
Until I don't want to leave
Cuddling to your warmth
Clinging to your sleeve

I'd say good-bye but that'd make me sound sad
I'd say good day but that make me sound glad

So I'll tell you that I'll see you again
Hoping you'll respond with "until then"

My nose was stuffed with the autumn leaves
Caught in the harsh winds of October

My hands shivered from the rain that pelted the house
As I wondered when the thunder would calm

My hair was chopped short from the twigs
Which caught within them as I hid in the woods

And the birds fluttered high away from my scent
As they knew I would ****

I can stare for a long time
And still see the same thing
A selfish cruel heart
That pulls my heart strings
And I'm lucky to have gotten
Out quite okay
Alive and well
Prepared for more days
That I know will suffocate me
Yet I welcome them still
Because through bad or good
I have plans to fulfill
And you could take part
If you wished, don't you see?
Your attitude decides
If you're worth it, to me

Most people fall for blue
Like the sky fell in those eyes
But I fall for brown
Because they're so down to earth
Almost as much as you
Just like I like you
Or love you, should I say
A first love that has stayed since day one
And hopefully stays until there are no more days
And everything simply is done

Bones of wood splinter as they crack at odd angles
I'm trying to tangle myself with you
But my limbs are going crooked and I'm scared
Scared of the love it would take from you to not feel the pain
Because I don't want to entrust this heart in your hands
Worn thin like paper and snapping like strings
As rings of children pass through the corner of my eye
Are they all me?
I turn my head but there's nothing.
I'm terrified.
What if you left more than just your own pleasure inside of me?
Be that the case would it be your face behind my door
Or my dad's.
Would he have to be the man there for me? He doesn't even want to be the parent of me let alone my mistakes
I just don't understand how things like this happen but I see that they're happening and
I just want to sprint
I wish I hadn't said yes, hadn't picked 'right'
Because things turned so wrong
You were a true or false question and I assumed
Because I couldn't study for a test that I didn't even know was happening
I can still feel the confusion
Was it even a question to get wrong, at this point?
*What the hell.

I am not simple
But I am quite ordinary
You can open me and read me like a novel
Reading between the lines was never hard for you
But you will not learn everything
You will not understand
You will not remember it
Because even I do not
Just know that I am typical
And you'll get on just fine

Am I to wish for nothing more? A castaway ship who can't find the shore?
To the sea of tranquility and nothing less? A runaway sailor once one of the best?

You say I can tell you anything
But you know I'd rather not
Because the fear of losing you is worse than
All the troubles that I've got

I don't want you to believe
That I'm incapable of love
Because it's the only reason I cry anymore
From sane down below to broken above

And I don't want you to know
That every breath hurts now
I don't want you to see
That I cry every day and how

Because you'll leave like the rest
And I know that sounds rude
To assume that you'll be gone
But we both know it's the truth

My words are too quiet
My voice is too soft
Yet I get offended
When people don't get along
With my stinging words
And my ****** mouth
I'd tell you how I feel about this
Yet I don't know how
Not without violence
Not without offense
Not without insult
It just makes no sense
So I try not to talk
And you always feel lonely
For with my lack of words
Come fingers so boney
Gripping your jacket
Or smashing your heart
I write this poem
It's my only good art
It's just for you
But you'll never know
I'll make sure of this stranger
So you can let go

I know how you feel
I've seen this before
If I tell you to stay
You'll sit at the door
And wonder how
I'd ever let you in
Because your insecurities
Were your only friend
For so many years
And now that I'm here
I'm hoping this doesn't quite
End in tears

And even looking at you
You're stressed and drained
And appear to be half asleep
I still love every inch of you that is and isn't in sight
You're not mine to keep
So I won't even try
But you're still here for me
Every time I feel like dying... and more
And I fear that's enough
To keep these feelings alive
And it scares me because I have got no right
To be bursting into your life
Left and right
*please don't leave me

Please don't say "I love you"
Please don't steer me wrong
We've been through this a million times
But you've done it all along

I've tried everything
That I could
But I cannot bring myself
To love you like I should

You and I both know
It doesn't happen that fast
But all you say
Is it was meant to last

And I wish I could change my mind
To fit your standards
But you know I'm locked in my shell
Trapped by your expectations

So please don't say "I love you"
Please don't let me down
Don't jump into this, like it's that easy
Cause you know that I'm never coming around

I wish his heart made up for mine
My lack of courage and constant whine
I wish my love existed there
It did once, but now nowhere

I hear you in my mind
And read what you write
But I'm running out if time
Trying with all of my might

Are you hearing me like I hear you?
Are you thinking the same things as me?
Or are you just rolling your eyes,
Typing a quick answer on your screen?

It's ridiculous, you've made me this way
Obsessing over this and that
I feel like a total girl
The kind I always called brats

Am I seriously going for this?
With what I once called my best friend?
Because a lot of things could happen
And a lot of things could end

Now as I sit in darkness
Afraid to simply love
My heart is pounding quickly
Waiting for that last shove

So weirdly we're together
Yet weirdly we're apart
Distance a long measurement
That damages my heart

And weirdly this doesn't feel wrong, for once
I just wish I could know how you feel
Not crammed with expectations
Is what we have right now real?

I'm sorry if my smile isn't always wide or goofy
Or if I look at you too much for you to comprehend
I'm sorry if I'm sad while near you
But it's because my jealousy has no end

You talk to all girls
The same way you talk to me
You squat down to our size
Almost falling on your knees

You stick out your tongue
You tickle our sides
You ruffle our hair
It brings tears to my eyes

I want you so bad
But can never be yours
I wish I was happy
Not wanting more

But you make my heart pound
You make me weak in the knees
You make me blush
I wish-oh please

I wish for some strength
To confess how I feel
I wish for your eyes to see me
So I know that you're real

You're so imperfect I love it
I'd have you no other way
But you cannot be mine
No; not today

And as she lay there dying
With her hair around her face
She seemed to quickly realize
Hell was more than just a place

And as her body convulsed
And her lungs seemed to contract
She knew that she deserved it
For her cruel and devilish act

You can't get by as someone
Without some of you being there
But you cannot make it in this world
If all you do is care

His warm chest drew me in as his arms guided me to lay
We stared at the stars on a quilted blanket that we found in the cupboard
Neither of us knows whose it is or how it came to be in our possession
And he kissed my forehead
To my temple
To my cheek
To my nose
To my chin
To my lips
..slowly..
..slower..
And we vanish into the hold of the other..