From the inside out she burns
Tic toc tic
And crack
It's done
As finished as she was
When she lit the *match

I wrote a poem once
To a boy whole stole my heart
And he stole my work
But at least I know he liked it

I feel like the louder I try to speak the less you can hear the words
Must I whisper to you?
Must I hum my pain?
Must I hurt in this day and this time because you cannot listen to my screams?
Hold back my hair as I puke the words into porcelain
Because they cannot make it to your ears
Whisper sweet nothings because nothing could be as sweet as your words
Nothing could be as bitter as your intentions
And I love that you can hide them from me so well
Grasp my hands that cling to the edge of sanity
If you throw me down I'll be at your mercy
But if you pull me up my eyes will clear as will my mind
And I'll push you away forever

I once talked to this person
A long time ago
I found something deep inside of him
I found myself a home

I wish that I could tell him
All that he told me
I want to throw it in his face
To hurt him, don't you see?

I want to be mysterious
Like he claimed he was
I want to have the last word
I want it, just because

Because he always gets the last say
His word always counts
My word tastes like ****
Just coming out of my mouth

It isn't fair, I love him
That's what I think at least
I try to tell myself it's not real
That I don't care what he thinks

But I spill everything before him
Just as he walks away
He ignores all of the signs
Because it doesn't matter what I say

Wow, what a site
My own personal hell
To log onto's impossible
When you've got nothing to tell
You feel stupid for just checking
To see if they've noticed you, you guess
And when they haven't you feel down
Never saying "Is it my fault yet?

If you could see me right now
You would probably cry
You'd collapse to your knees
And cover your eyes

You'd shuffle in close
And ask yourself what went wrong
And try to remember
Where you've been all along

"It wasn't your fault"
I'd say "You've done nothing not right"
But even as you walk away
I cannot find a light

Not inside my head
Not inside these walls
I cannot see how I'm messed up
As I trip down the hall

So if you saw me now
You'd probably doubt yourself
Which means I'm glad you're good at staying away
So this feeling hits no one else

Messages can be deleted
Memories cannot
Pictures can burn at any fingertips
But I'll remember your face forever

I yearn to touch adventure
To smell the salts of sea
To feel the heavy winds
Gliding over me

I long to shout with joy
At my new exciting finds
I long to be content
While the winds be on my side

I will keep a journal by my side
If he can't manage that place
I don't know where I want to go
But when there, natures song just plays

Over and over
Through trees
Through streams

Trickling its melody
All over me

You can't be gentle
You can't be sweet
You can't be tidy
You can't be neat
This wasn't the plan
The plan wasn't you
Now I'm debating
Going all the way through
With what I had started
With what I have schemed
You've shown me a perspective
I'd never dreamed
And now I feel guilty
Which I shouldn't, you see?
My idea wasn't that
You'd go through with these things.
So, stop being gentle
Stop being nice
I'd hoped for pain
I'd wished for a fight
I wanted bad
But got good in return
I've never been so lucky
This shouldn't be heard of
But I appreciate all your work
What you've done for me
While I can't even wait
For three minutes it seems
You're so unlucky to have me
But please don't be sad
I'll try to make it all right
Now that I know what I have

I can feel it
I can feel its waves licking the shores
Asking
Begging to be let in

It hurts
My chest is heavy and my body is weak
I feel snappish but slow
I don't deserve them

Him, it, life
But I breathe
Barely, as it hurts
as it always does now

Maybe the fact that no one will help
means that i don't need it
and the tears are prickling
dangerous as hell

as they could give away my position

Are you going to hold me
You swear?
I need a tighter grip on life
Pull me back together and you can stay here
You have always been mine.

My eyes weep
Their salty tears
I'm grounded in place
By all of my fears
You hold up my chin
As though it will help
And my heart beats fast
I just want to yelp
With glee as I have
So many times in the past
My blood running fast
My heart like glass
Don't drop it I beg
With all of my might
Hold it steady so that I
Will live through the night
Do what you wish in the morning
I won't be human then
Throw it against the wall if you'd like
Just don't tell me when
You're about to do it
So it will hurt less
Smash it to pieces
Just put it to rest
From this beating whirlwind
This blush on repeat
This skip in my step
The occasional heat
That flares through me
At the sight of you
Your head held high
Like there's nothing you can't do
Because there isn't
We both know
There's even no reason
To just put on a show
Just being you
Attracts me  so
So **** me fast
But hold me close

I don't know what I'm writing
It seems all jumbled and such
I feel like I'm faking
Like my words aren't enough

But I know that I'm not
The second the words are down
I can't help but feel phony
There are worse things around

What's the worst that could happen
What have I to be sad of
Nothing should stop me
I should be full of love

But why do I feel
Like these words are the truth
All until I click "Save Poem"
Is it because of you?

*No, that's ridiculous, right?

Either I'm the best
Or you're a liar
Either way
You started a fire
That I dare you to put out
I double-dog dare you to squander
Do it now and you're left to wander
In a dreary haze with no sign of love
I'm all that you have
Like an eternal cold hug

She cried and she bawled
She lied and she crawled
Quickly through the fire
Thinking it wouldn't burn at all

You used to play games
Now you play tricks
You used to help out
Now you throw sticks
I believed you would always be there
Yanking my wrist
Pulling my hair
I took advantage
But so did you
You promised to listen
Through and through
But now my sanity's dead
Slowly coming to life
If I open my eyes
You'll be holding a knife
I'd run if I could
But my body hurts
I'd love if I could
But my emotions were burnt
By people like you
And memories of pain
And those who surround me
Who think it's a game

I've been told that I don't look depressed
That I'm too confident to have anxiety
But these aren't things that I immediately spill
The first thing I'm ever going to say to you isn't to not touch my shoulders due to bad memories
It's not going to be about how difficult it is to function without hurting some part of myself
I'm not going to throw my memories in your face the second we meet
And that's because it's hard to admit to myself, even
I don't think of myself as someone who's easily insulted and hard to understand
In my mind, I'm an open book that's filled with secrets if you're good at reading between the lines
You wouldn't know that I carry secrets that aren't even mine, that are burdened to rest upon me until the end of my days
You wouldn't assume that that smile disappears behind closed doors
It couldn't possibly be hard to figure out, yet I'm surprised if you do
Because the last person that carried the burdens of my life tried to **** herself
And I'll never recover from that
Because she wasn't the first that tried
And if I keep it up
I could be carrying another burden in no time
Which doesn't help with the fact that I just want to collapse on the floor in a heap of broken cries
I just want to rip my heart out of my chest so that it doesn't fill with pain at everything
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
I wish that the idea of being in a room full of people who don't even know my name wouldn't make me go into an attack
Because I could mess up
I always mess up
And I always get yelled at for it
I'll go into some sort of depressing state if someone pronounces my name wrong
Because I feel inferior to everyone
Because that's all I've ever been taught to feel
No matter how wrong it is
And I hope that my pain decreases over time
Hopefully faster than it is now
Because my chest still caves in, trying to support the tears that clog my throat and blind my eyes
A ringing fills my ears and a piece of me bends in a wrong direction, every single day
I need help

Waking up to a floor flying towards my face
To sweat clinging to my cheeks
Tears leaving a thick trace
Fear burning as quick as leaves

My heart pounded in my chest
My fingers ached in writhing pain
My thoughts seemed to become a test
And I feared what I saw could happen again

The darkness was blank
And it helped me relax
As though I slept in a cave
Like death with some hacks

Don't push me away
Don't drag me too close
Don't force me to watch
As you overdose
On a love that isn't yours
From someone who is
Who gives it all away
And you know this
You try to convince me
That I have a chance
I don't even want one
I just simply glanced
At you and you smiled
Like never before
Who are you even?
You make living a chore

As her heart cried for the simple attention of a stranger
She longed for acceptance in a world that couldn't even accept itself
She was trapped

The only thing she ever received within her life was
Disgust, hate, and intentionally inflicted wounds from the ones she loves
Not loved, loves

There's nothing beautiful about life
Not when death serenades her deepest scars
Coaxing her demons to take over and rule her barely breathing host

Her soul cast into the sea of tranquility but not drowning
She gasps for air in a world of monsters but ***** in hate and cruelty
She never has enough time to breathe it out before it's taking over her actions

Forcing the blade to her once beautiful cream colored wrist that presently is lined with untold marks

Hidden secrets lie deep inside the pale, jagged lines that take over her
They force her into exile in her own body

Broken dreams soon turn to broken bones and
Once again, a deep scarlet **** hides itself
Beneath the sleeve of her pullover

Her life ends quickly to her
But in everyone else's opinion
Not fast enough

So many opportunities
Are missed by those
Who find reality more relaxing
Than the dreams they've had
For so many year

A gentle hand
A sweaty palm
Trying hard
Just to keep calm
Hold my hair
As I cry
Hug me tight
Say goodbye
You leave me quickly
You slimy swift bug
You ****** my heart
And I cannot get enough

I didn't want to tell them
My words didn't seem to fit
The emptiness inside my heart
I've hidden all too quick

But I know that if I reveal
A sliver of what lies there
They'll change everything they've ever done
They'll try to be fair

I know in my mind I don't want that
But my heart tells me I need it
Something to bandage my wounds
Something to cure the scars with

So I don't say anything
But speak as loud as I can
Hopefully they'll catch on
But I know they haven't because they would've ran

I was asked to describe how much I hurt once
I don't really think there was a valid answer for that
Because all I can think about in my moment of pain
Is the pain

I'm not thinking that I've probably felt more pain in my life
I'm not thinking that I'll probably have worse
I'm not even fully comprehending the situation at that moment
Because all I can think about is the pain

The pain controls my existence for as long as it stays
Even if it dulls it will be all I can think about
All that I can't take my mind off of
All that exists to me

I'm not thinking about money
Or homework
Or another person's feelings
As I give into my pain

I let it control me, no matter how bad that idea itself is
I let it take over my actions
And my words
And I'll snap just to apologize later

If I say something I don't mean while in pain
How can I handle falling in love
Just to fall out of it?
I'm too young for this

I'm not ready for the responsibility of having to care for myself
I've been selfish, letting myself go
Thinking that there's always going to be something there to fall back on
There isn't

There actually never was

That's why I am the way I am today

I could've sworn that I had no idea what love felt like

Turns out I'd fallen in love with everybody

And didn't have the courage to see it

I can see the way she looks at him
She loved him once, she can again
She let him fall and left him to drown
But here I am, I won't let him down
He's mine to hold and I love him so
She may love him now but I won't let go
I've seen his tears as they cloud his eyes
Her sudden betrayal had been no surprise
But she wants to enter again, and he may let her
But I'm not going down without a few things to say first

I never noticed the beauty that resides in the light until I made it dark and reached out to touch the fingers extended to help me
I then turned the lights back on and saw simply a mirror, a shattered one
One broken because of disgust and distrust
Because of hatred and tough times
And I realized that nobody was really there to see what went wrong and how
Except for me
And even I didn't like myself

I'm going insane. He's got swarms of girls flocking each side to scream in his defense. He's got bros upon bros who will vouch for him, even though they know he's worthless. He's got friends in high and low places and moods that dip in between. He's a teen.
He's pathetic, but not scrawny, he's tough and weak and just pain *******. It's difficult to blame him for things that he's done when he blames himself for things that he hasn't. His life is a trapdoor. Anyone who walks through is stuck in a small space which swallows the soul. My soul.

I thought I was twitching
From the glitching system of time
But it seems my thoughts have
Turned to you

I thought I had stuttered
From my muttering mind
Coughing up words
That have nothing to do

With the world formed around me
And the people all stuck there
Because the image of you is
Built in my brain and I can't shake it out

First the left
And then the right
Jump a bit
Because your pants are tight

Take a deep breath
Then button it up
Push in the pockets
**** in your gut

Look at the clock
It's the same time as usual
Look through your shirts
That one's got a new hole

Hold up your bra to the light
And study it close
It looks a bit worn
But eh, it ain't gross

Brush your hair harshly
There's no other way
For when it's that thick
You don't have all day

Now grab your bag fast
You didn't forget anything
Hold in your tears
It's just the same other day

You wish for adventure
You wish for a change
You wish for a dad
Who cares less for your grades

And more for your sanity
For he's seen how it's crushed
But he still acts the same
His demands still rushed

His patience run low
And his words all loud
His fist swinging so
Yet no damage is done

Except yes there is
As your days fly on by
It all hurts so much
That you can't even cry

Cause he'll hear you again
And still not really care
He'll call you a fake
Like your just someone there

Taking up space in his house
Not space in his heart
Ignoring your writing
Rolling his eyes at your art

It's so upsetting
That you're left simply to words
Words that aren't heard
But you still feel their curse

You linger so long
It's poison to your soul
And even hearing his voice
Is making you old

And tired of this life
That is no life at all
Just a day stuck on repeat
With you growing a bit more tall

Your skin may darken
And the bags under your eyes may sharpen
And your legs might get bigger
And your heart might get darker

But it's the same concept
That it's always been
It's still the same day
It's still the same pain

Her hair tangles on the pillow as she shifts
Her fingers twitch as her dream hits its peak
A gentle snore releases itself from the depths of her throat
And I can smell the tang of her breath
It's absolutely revolting
But it's what makes her human
I love her
I love her for the way she lets out a deep breath and grunts
I love her for the way her fingers crawl across the sheets to search me out
I love her for the way that her whole body leans when they find me
I love her for the way that I'm the one that she curls into every night
Every evening
Every day
Every morning
I'm the one that she holds
I'm the one whose knuckles she kisses and caresses
I'm the one whose tongue tastes her passion
And knows the texture of the insides of her thighs
I'm the one who looks at her stretch marks and sees growth
I'm the one who watches as her eyes flutter then open
They focus on seeing
Then they focus on me
*And I love her for it

The way that you hold my hand,
So willingly, so happily
The way that you sprinkle kisses
Making fun of yourself
And others before you

You told me you loved me
But a little more talking and you were unsure
I'll never tell you how you're supposed to feel
It's not my place
But I've told you this before many times

*please don't get my hopes up

His hands skidded across my skin
His eyes were smoke-screened and I questioned him
Did he know who I was?
What he was doing?
Where we were?
He grabbed my hand
His lips pressed forcefully against mine, rough, bitten.
My lips matched his but they were.. delicate you could say.
Because I was seven.
They weren't full, they weren't sweet, they weren't "tasty"
The fact that my "kisses" were "good" was not something to be proud of
I'm fifteen. I know what you did now. I know how you hurt me.
There's only one thing I don't know by now.
why the **** did you do this to me?
i was only a little girl
but now i'm still just that, only hurt.
you shouldn't be proud of what you did.
you shouldn't be happy with yourself
i don't know if you'll get what you deserve
i just know that i didn't deserve that
well i might've.
*see what you've done?

Months and weeks consume us as our feet drag in the slowest of shuffles. I've worried for years about my personality and if that's what gets me in the trouble I'm in. Thankfully I have nothing left to worry about, as my thoughts have been more than confirmed. I've infected and emotionally crippled the people I've come into contact with and abandoned, and I'm shocked? I've felt like a horcrux every individual day of my life. And what have I done to change? What can I? How does it take 21 years for a person to develop the ability to recognize their actions and yet still not their face? I feel uneducated about anything to do with myself after over a year of carving myself out until now, I'm more than hollow. I am non-existent, waiting for someone to pick up my crumbling existence and blow it away like dandelion fluff.

I don't feel sick.
I don't feel the cold sweat spread across my skin as the infection travels
That sweat was already there
It appears every morning when I wake
Its dampening presence will either grow
Or stay consistent
It comes with fighting for the control over my mind
So be I laying with a fire of infection
Roaring a dangerous path across my
Star bound body and
Constellation of veins
The cold sweat will not be a giveaway
The aching muscles are there with the fight
They grow tense and release
All of my stress before re-clenching
And holding that infection
That's burning a hole through the fabric of my existence
In place
As it casts it upon every piece of my soul
I am dangerous to myself
I am my own demise as every clenched tooth
Begins to clench harder
The stress appearing in the bulging vein
That goes across my temple after
Working its way up my neck