You're so full of light
May I just stand inside it?
I know that I have my dark
I'll try my best to hide it
With you on my side I feel
I have the strength to fight it

You shine so bright
You star
Do you know just what you are?
You've got the drive to save a life
And the will to go so far

You've got the key to unlock these chains
That keep us all enslaved
Please, please
Unlock mine first
And I will help you on your way

On second thought
You'd better not
It's safer to leave me be
I don't know what I might do to you
Just stay away from me

Dear Talia,

I don't want to be a tortured artist.
I don't want to be depressed and I don't want to be anxious.
Competitive sadness and disorders treated like accessories disgust me.

The world glamorizes mental illness, and I don't understand why. There is nothing romantic about being mentally ill just like how there's nothing glamorous about a broken wrist or a torn medial collateral ligament. There's nothing romantic about constantly being afraid that the world will fold in itself and **** you with it. There's nothing romantic about feeling like you could break down and cry at any moment.

This is the first piece I've written while being medicated.

I want it to be Christmas already.

The world dreams itself a halo, but can only attain horns. The halo is an illusion and the horns are an idea.

I'm due to take another Lorazepam. Would I look cool to the kids who idolize dysfunction and misinterpret pain as style, if I were to take one of these, with water and a distant glance, in front of them? Geez, to have their approval would to have everything and nothing at all.

I'm not sure why I've written as much about this as I have.

You.

It is 2:48 am and all I can think about, in this moment, is you.

I can't wait to spend Christmas with you. I can't wait to wear bad Christmas sweaters, and be the couple everyone hates, as we sing Christmas carols and spread holiday cheer.

I wrote this poem a few minutes ago. Sometime around 2:30 am. I'm not sure. I'm exhausted:

I sat on the edge of my bed, and on the edge of my life,
medicated to the point of pointlessness. Soft.
It was the nineteenth, not the twentieth,
and I wished I saw the fireworks with her fifteen days earlier.

My gasps tore the shingles off of the house.
And they hung suspended above the hole in the roof.
And God stared down into my room, as the shingles swirled skyward.
"I see you," I said, "but I don't believe in you."

I left home and ran until I was a dream that had passed itself.


I hope that was okay.

I love you.


Yours,

Joshua Haines

Your cards are something that I desperately would like to fix
But my fingers are terribly stupid with those witty kinds of tricks

If I could, I would move the conceited constellations by degrees
After re-tossing all your bewitched leaves from your stupid teas

And I don’t know whether God just weighted your dice for kicks
But I wish I could be an ill sport and pick for you a face of any six

Because, although I can only see nonsense when you grin about your Belief,
It has moulded you into something perfect
and you deserve all there is of any relief.

I wish I were there,
Your hand in mine.
Being at your side,
Not asking the time.

I wish I were there,
To see the light in your face.
To look into your eyes,
Brush a hair back in place.

I wish I were there,
To kiss you goodnight.
I long to be with you,
Each and every night.

I wish I were there,
To kiss you good morning.
To watch the sun's rays,
Light your hair without warning.

I wish I were there,
Just to see you smile.
To see wrinkled sheets,
All pushed in a pile.

I wish I were there,
To hear your sweet voice.
Let it whisper in my ear,
My one and only choice.

I wish I were there,
To hear all your fears.
And to whisper my comforts,
Into your ear.

I wish I were there,
To share myself with you.
To be there to love you,
As all lovers should do.

I wish I were there,
To wrap you up tight.
Show you how close we are,
All through the night.

I wish I were there,
To show you I was near.
But you must be there,
And I must be here.

So come now my love,
Though I'm not sure when,
I know I will see you,
I'll be with you again.