the distance between us is not keeping me from missing you. i miss you. i miss you like how i miss myself since the day someone took a piece of me and never gave it back. i miss you like the emptiness inside of me that keeps me from being happy. i miss you like the days when i was still my daddy's girl and i wish i could bring back the way he looked at me again. i miss you like the song i heard once that i can't seem to get out of my head because the title is forgotten somewhere in there. i miss you like how i miss my friend that now lays inside a coffin with her name carved on a stone and inside my body. i miss you like how i miss breathing. i miss you like how the world yells at me for being this sad. i miss you like the soul i used to have.

calm yourself
drink that glass of water
this time don't assume that you are drowning

remember your childhood
how your 4 year old self is staring back at you
tell her she is worth it
rip the words out of your throat and free it from that prison
now don't assume that you are drowning

when you were young you were too fragile to make a stand
your hand trembles as the cold touch of a stranger's hand invades your skin
you realized you hate it when people touch you

you can't remember the first time you got cat called
but the words they said never left your brain since then
it repeats and repeats itself
without your permission

your father looks at you disapprovingly
when you first learned how to look pretty in a dress
you are trying to tell him that it doesn't matter
any kind clothing that will cover my skin is no exception
that many times over when im wearing my school uniform
is the majority where strangers that i happen to pass by at streets tried to touch my body

your mother explains that you have to keep it safe
but you know that safe is an illusion

that you will never be assured of your safety
for as long as men have eyes like daggers
and words that rolls off their tongue like its meant to bring you down

you are underwater now
their words will always reach you
but your voice will invade so much space
you would learn how to  fight back

someday you will stop finding comfort in trying to drown your sorrows

my family is never one to show love but is an expert in portraying hate
it is said that a house is the foundation to build a home
but in my family, the space between us spreads miles apart
this house is not well-built enough to hold us together

the night i learned how to eat fast just to get out of the dinner table
was when i realized that my hands are slipping away from the people i know by blood

this pavement would only allow avoiding eye contact
living room silent treatment
fist on walls
swearing after swearing

like pieces of cheap glass, it is falling apart
this house is too scarred to handle anymore of the vengeance we hold
too ruined to see one more person leaving

as i grow old i am becoming its replica
how these cracked walls longed for affection
suffocating on moments that had passed
screaming for renovation

mom.. dad..
i have not been home for years
i wonder when will you be searching for me

like a sin, it haunts me
my father's knotted forehead who hustles day and night
to make up for the bills he traded for long dive on the ocean of no escape
he who had broken the chains is now paying  for a lifetime's worth of slavery
with more mouths to feed
my mother,
what she had become was the aftermath of abuse
shaking hands
the sad ending she had to settle for

and i'd like to believe my brothers were brave
even if every now and then they would have to leave to find themselves
and they got further and further
each door closing one after another

my sister was the only one who taught me to forgive the ones you love
even if they would commit the same mistake again

i have collected the pieces i wish i could put back
mom...
dad...
and the rest of you,
let's build it together.