10th of November was
9 days before school started back, and there were
8 thousand words I should have been writing at
7 pm that night because I had
6 papers due but I thought about you until
5 minutes before school and be
4 I knew it you were mine and
3 drinks later I was way too drunk
2 walk myself home and you were the nice
1 who made sure I was okay and my heart went from
0 to 60 everytime you smiled at me.
1 week later at
2 in the morning, you called me, and the
3rd times the charm, I asked you to marry me
4 life because it was barely
5 degrees outside and I was falling for you out of
6 billion people in the world, despite only knowing you for
7 weeks. And now
8 more months later, and
900 days since I told you I loved you, and I thank God for the
1000 days I had with you these two and a half years.

10 times I tried to say everything I wanted but
9 days went by before I saw those beautiful eyes and decided that
8 minutes was far too long to keep you waiting so I hopped on
7th street and flew to your house only to leave at
6 that morning because I had
5 million things going on in my head such as why you would stay with me until
4 in the morning just to keep me but the
3rd thing I knew about was that I was way
2 young to even hope for someone like you so I settled with the number
1 and decided I was better off searching the world and settling for someone who didn’t make my heart go
0-60 every time I even saw them but I stayed
1 more night and then before I knew it 2 months later I’m moving
2 your new house and there are
3 animals except I decided you were better off be-
4 you met me so I went running until about
5 that morning and you called me frantic about where I was so I said **** it and on the
6th of the month asked you to marry me and without hesitation you decided
7 was a good number so
8 weeks later we got hitched and
9 years later I remember how much I decided that
1 x infinity days could never be enough to spend with the girl I had to settle with because you thought you weren’t good enough for me when in all actuality we’re both pretty ****** up so instead of one not being good enough for the other how about we are just equal but you’re far more attractive than me so you could do better but we’ll talk about that later over dinner.

I draw on your back, you play with my hair
I take a shower, you stretch endlessly on the bed
I try not to look, but **** girl
I can’t exactly hide this ****-eating grin on my face
It’s a good thing you don’t notice... ****.
Oh well, back to the old drawing board
I come out, you stretch again
All I see is pure... beauty.
Staring me in the face.
You like when I notice that.
Star Wars shirt before I go to work with no underwear on?
******.
Now you’re just trying to **** my **** up ...
And today I’ll be at work...
Thinking...
About how hot of a roommate I have...
and ******* STAR WARS.

And I go to bed


Alone.

What is it about that stupid shot?
The one that reminds you why you forgot
That someone who completely tore you apart
And don’t forget, literally broke your heart

I don’t like pictures that can possibly tell
Who I was or how hard I fell
It’s a personal matter that I believe
You never could get past the thought of me

I wanted you so bad, but now I see
That all I needed was inside of me
I can go on, and so can my mind
But that stupid shot, I wish I were blind

Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.

Blurs above me
Blurs within me
Fur behind my leg
Leaves against my arm

I get this feeling that
This is how it was meant to be

It’s simple... isn’t it?
The way it was supposed to be, right?
Following protocol and finishing orders.

Let’s break the rules.
Let’s be different.
Let’s stop living in everyone else’s eyes

and be us.

You catch on quickly, dear.  
Glad I found someone who likes to break the rules just as much as I do.

I hate that I have so many words floating around my head
and I
just can’t
seem
to put
them
together
to let
you
know
exactly how I feel

I’ve realized something
Infatuation is hard
Couldn’t have you which made me want you
Leaving is coming
Quickly
But you know me, love
I’d never leave you like this
You know my name,
don’t wear it out.
Or do..
I’ll come either way

You’re my Calvin and I’m your Hobbes
You lead me to adventures that will change our lives as we know it
I follow, the faithful companion, always ready to assist in any way
During the day we plot the Yukon and sail the seven deadly seas
At night we fend off terrible monsters under the bed and the adults who try to ruin us
I never leave your side, and if I do you very well know where I am
Best friend no matter what, guardian until the bitter end
We stand tall together and have each others’ back
We are two of the best friends in the universe
No one has anything on us
The child at heart and the tiger in spirit
You think we’ll ever break apart?
Yeah... me either.

My kitten is asleep right next to my lap
So I turn right over to take a nap
Can’t do that now because you’re in bed
So I turn right over and shake my head
“Can I have some cold water please?”
So I turn right over and put on a sleeve
The morning light shines bright in my head
So I turn right over and fall out of bed
You laugh at my stupidity, me the floor
So I turn right over and walk to the door
I hear your laughter throughout the house
So I turn right over and stay quiet as a mouse
You think that I could quite possibly be dead
So I turn right over and get my *** back in bed
I really need to take a steaming hot shower
So I turn right over and to you, pretty as a flower
I can’t seem to say exactly what it was about this morning
So I turn right over and laugh cause you look stupid as hell when you try to pretend that you don’t notice it when I get in the shower with you with my shorts still on because I was so distracted by how beautiful you are and completely forgot that clothes were what divided the space between my AXE shampoo and the razor that you stole from the pack that I bought because I actually borrowed your razors the other week because I was out and really needed to shave because I thought I was going to get laid later on the night but I didn’t so it’s all good.

My head
It hurts so bad
This war is tearing apart what was left of my soul
and my outer shell has paid its price
I’m sorry
So, so sorry
I could never prepare you for this
Its better this way I tell myself
So much better
But then I realize that its ******* not

I’m slowly losing reality to my nightmares
My nightmares drift into my day
And yet I walk among them, as if it’s nothing
So many plans for my life all seem so vague and meaningless
Each step I take from day to day is harder than the last

I need a hero
I need someone to pick me up again
I never could really expect someone to do that
Because in reality, your heroes are almost as ****** up as you are
I’ve reached a desolate corner of my life where I look down two ways
One is to live for
And the other speaks for itself

For once I met someone as clumsy as me.
I am always falling.. Tripping even.
But I was too clumsy this time
and so were you.
You stumbled over my past,
And I fumbled into your mind.
I stepped into your soul
And you slipped into my life.
You tripped over my presence,
And we collapsed into each others' hearts.

I'm glad you're as clumsy as me.

I never have really like coffee shop love stories anyway
So it’s a good thing that this isn’t that
Who are we kidding?  
This is a four-way hexagon CIA basement with black lights love story
People see right through us, and me, sorry I can’t help that
If only there was someone there to reassure me that you actually care
I mean, I know you do, but ****** it’s too good to be true
You are too good to be true
I get it, but just for my sanity
Tell me who I am?
I’m wandering through the basement with the two others and the hexagon is completed
The CIA is about to kick me out so please hurry and tell me
I need to know
I normally don’t call favors
But you owe me that much dear

Today at work
     I was having a really weird day
          One of those... “I really wish I wasn’t here but instead with you, sleeping” day

I had this really rude customer come up to the service desk
     And after being there for 6 hours, you can imagine how tired I was already
          It isn’t my fault that you are not only illiterate but also a waste of my valuable minimum wage time

I put my head in my hands for a brief moment
     And this smell.  This glorious, indescribably, amazing, memory purging, beautiful smell came to me
          This smell made me think of three things.

My new salute
     The taste that my lips carried throughout the night
          And the ruby of your cheeks that matched the softest and most irresistible lips mine have ever touched

It must’ve been at least a five minute daydream
     That poor customer must’ve been so confused
          But ****, it was completely worth it

I saved a voicemail you left me on the 12th of February.
You said that you hoped I had a great day, and you were proud of me.
I’ll never delete that.
Not because I don’t think your proud of me,
but because one day soon I won’t be able to hear your voice anymore.

Words swell in my throat daily, and I feel like it’s going to collapse at any second.
But it doesn’t.
I swallow. Harder. Then even harder. And eventually the lump in my throat dies along with the tears swelling in my eyes.

I go to school, life, social events, and home with my mask.
Sometimes I even wear it to bed.
WHY! I scream in my mind. I scream so loud I’m sure everyone can hear me.
But they don’t. No one can or will.

Of all the people in this world, why you, Daddy?
Why my Dad, my rock and groundwork for my success?
Why, God, would you take your most loyal servant from me?
Right. You selfish god, you.

I saw a picture of us today, Dad.
We were happy. You smiled, and I smiled. WE smiled.
Family again. Whole again.
Just to be taken, for the last time.

Daddy, I don’t want to say goodbye.
Please Daddy. I’m tired of wiping my eyes, and ruining perfectly good shirts.
You’re still happy. How?
That’s right. Because heroes don’t cry.

And neither does my Dad.

Daddy,
     I caught this fish just like you showed me.
Daddy,
     I can do it by myself... oh wait... ok maybe not.  Thanks for helping me.
Daddy,
     I’m nine, so that means I can get 15 dollars for my chores and not 10... right?
Daddy,
     I love my puppy.  I think I’ll name him Champ.  Cause he’s my Champion just like you.
Daddy,
     I’m not crying cause it hurt... ok... maybe I am.  You can hug me as long as you want.
Daddy,
     Thanks for taking me to get my license.   Don’t worry I won’t drive too much.  Today.
Daddy,
     I know my Drum Major uniform is expensive... thanks for buying it anyway.
Daddy,
     I know he broke up with me but you can call off your buddies from his house.  You’re the only man in my life.
Daddy,
     Thanks for helping me learn how to change the oil in my car.
Daddy,
     I’ll be home around midnight.  Don’t worry about me, I’ll be with Paige.  Thanks for the extra movie money.
Daddy,
     I’m sorry I can’t stay in this house with mom.  She’s going to be the death of me.  Oh... you too?
Daddy,
     I found a great place to live and you’ve always liked Paige... she’s me roommate.  Love you too.
Daddy,
     Thanks for getting the rest of my stuff together.  I’ll come see you soon and rescue you from mom like you always rescued me from the monsters in my closet.
Daddy,
     What do you mean you don’t remember me moving out?
Daddy,
      Please... please don’t leave me alone in this world.

There is peace in silence
Solstice in my head
Accept to expect
No to know
Jump jive to drunk drive

Things just instantly got simpler.
Is that really all it took?
A talk, a glance, and a fear to lose...
I know I said it wouldn’t change anything,
but I lied
Don’t get me wrong, I won’t act like it did
But you know better
And for some reason
I don’t feel so alone anymore
Please don’t walk down a road
that I can’t go
Because honestly
waiting has been my specialty
That head tilt, those nights, these talks
I don’t know how else to explain it,
other than I somehow feel like
even though I don’t know the details,
my life was just reassembled
For the first time in a while
my smile means that I’m happy
and I know that no matter what
I’m changed for the better because of you

Your friends love to ‘protect’ me
It’s sad that I don’t need ‘protecting’
If I did need ‘protection’

I would have bought a ******.

You have no ******* idea what’s going on in my head.
No it’s not your fault and you aren’t to blame.

It’s me.
And my ****** up little heart.

So just pass me by and drop a dime into my hat.
Like everyone has before.

I’m standing outside
     your door
I don’t hear your usual breathing because now
     a door separates us
My normal night I would apologize except
     that **** door is in the way
A simple piece of wood is the reason why,
     a door, for lack of better words
My heart can’t really take much more and neither
     can this **** door

You’re funny
     I’m not
You look beautiful
    I don’t
You can even rock drag
     I can’t rock either gender
You’d never glance across the smoke at me and laugh
     because I’m not hilarious
I mean, you kind of had me at the lip-sync
     but I know you never looked in my eyes
Even when you took the five out of my hand and ran yours up my arm
     I still would never impress someone like you
But **** girl, you looked amazing in all of the mirrors

I’m tired of being convenient for you
I’m not some toy for you to toss away when you’re through

I’m a person, a real human as it were
Maybe even a kitten, a playful ball of fur

How important to you am I exactly?
Not too much I assume matter of factly

One day I’ll snap out of this fantasy
That you actually truly will always love me

All of us have those days...
I had one of them yesterday
Wanted to just lay down and sleep forever
Was going to visit an old friend, but he was dull
You stopped me by saying my name

Because I remembered that you need me
Of all the selfish things I’ve done, that was the worst
You said you forgive me

In the end, it’s still my fault
The very basis of my time is now meaningless
End it please, I can’t watch you suffer like this

The phone calls asking me where I am
Silence is all I hear in my head when she talks

In time all I wish for you is peace
The time I’ve had with you is never enough
Mourning you will **** me

Did everything in my fragile mind to keep you alive
My life isn’t honestly worth it without you here
Time will **** me if they don’t first

That’s all it took.
Just a heartbeat.
Words can make or break and she made
Everything
Smiling to no end
Can’t help but fall deeper into this chasm of love.

But hey love makes us do crazy things.
I will happily do this.
For me?
Yes.

I loved you
I gave you everything
I protected you
I opened up every part of me to you

You hate me
You took everything
You left me vulnerable
You made me close myself up again

Yet, I still can’t hate you

When I think of that night
I have a sour taste in my mouth
You want me here and there but I can only take so much
I can only be here and only take so many punches
BUT
Sweetheart I’m no Superman

I wish I was invincible so we could be together
Maybe it’s best that we aren’t
I wish that I could fight like you do
BUT
Sweetheart I’m no Superman

You say you care and you say you love
But I can’t see past your wall of mistrust
You want me to be a hero but that’s a wall I can’t get through
BECAUSE
Sweetheart I’m no Superman

I’ve dealt and stayed for as long as I could
This can’t be the end for us
I don’t want to say this and I can’t believe I am
BUT
Sweetheart I’m no Superman

I’m loved and wanted now, needed
Cared for and let in to help like I should
I wanted you so bad
BUT NOW
Sweetheart, I’m her Superman

You see I go anywhere
Desperate for an answer yet
If I could stop to stare
Yet I feel it falling this net

To be all that I am and more
But no matter I can’t get
Past this swing hinged door
It locks out every piece and bit

My soul to you and only if
I could ever see me fit
To be only me and not rip
The hinges off this door for me
Where I stand and grace your hips

Against mine they fall to be
A clear, conscious part of me

I asked you a question...
Something like,
“Will you marry me and cook for me every day?”
You replied.
“No. I will not cook for you every day.”
With a hell yeah and a smirk on my face
I’ll take that as well

This insanity
These dreams
I loathe the way they mix so easily

Those dreams
That insanity
I loathe the way they mix so effortlessly

Lucky me,
I woke up

The smell of White Chocolate Cappuccino permeates the room
Typing, clicking, and Supernatural fill the empty background around us
I shift to prop my sore knee up and you comfortably rest your feet next to my lap
Now all I can do is glance over at you
As I look you meet my eyes
And I can’t help but wonder
What are you thinking behind those beautiful, all-seeing eyes?

Stop.

Leave me in this misery.

Do not pull me out.

For my misery is my greatest accomplishment.

In my misery you rise above.

In my misery you succeed.

In your success is my demise.

But you, a rarity, creates all.

Can you create death, or does death create you?

Red light
Far too bright for my taste
Captain and Coke
Far too light for my taste
Ion oscillating fan
Far too cold for my taste
My raggedy car
Far too old for my taste
Battlefield 3 in action
Far too gamer for my taste
My thoughts of you
Far too ... Perfect

As I bent my knee down to pray
I felt a softer wind of sway
A wind that metaphorically would tell
Is as old as time, a living hell

I can’t quite describe what this feeling is
But I know one thing, I am dead.
Dead to the world, dead to you
Dead to the sun, but alive to the moon

I live through this night, a summer blue
And forever I will, always love you
I really hate this feeling inside
The one that calls the coming bribe

I can’t quite hide it from you very well
But I know in time I’ll see my hell
In person one, two, or three
I could never quite cease to be

As much as I wish for it to go far away
I can’t shake off this falsified faith
The one that I pray to night and day
All of the words I could never say

I don’t know how to end this without hurting you
So for right now I’ll have to make do
I could never shake off this thing you see
A definite, clear and conscious part of me

You’re beautiful.
Smart.
Talented.
Wise.
Level-headed.
Strong.
Cryptic.
­Brilliant.

Some things never do change.

FLASH
“Blame it on my ADD baby...”
My fingers graze from the brim of your jeans and drag from the crevice
between your upper thigh and stomach to your batman bellybutton ring and pull
your skin between your cleavage to the base of your neck while my teeth
drag along your bare chest, laid out before me.

FLASH
“Learn to take your **** with a big-*** smile...”
I’m shooing the dogs out so you can get ready for work and I can stand back
like I always to do take in every inch of you while I can.  The smoothness of your
flawless skin, your beautiful back that seems to greet me more often now, that
adorable smile, and most of all the eyes that made the world stop.  Well, mine hasn’t
started back since.

FLASH
“I’m half the man that you think that I have been...”
Driving.  More.  You’re telling me a story about this band that you like and
I listen like a little child because your stories, no matter the subject, always capture
my full attention.

FLASH
****, I need to get some sleep before I never sleep again, because I’m thinking
of everything I love about you.

Friend truer than true
That warmly feeling
Through and through

Time flies when you’re having fun
But no one said that all this pain
Could be cured by ***

Time has stopped and so have you
This is where my train stops
And I am due

Intro is my song you say
Clear as night
And bright as day

No words ever could do me as much harm
As the words that I’ve metaphorically carved
into my arm

Not your fault and nor are you to blame
Stop selling yourself short
Stop playing this game

My time here is growing shorter as you see
My head is killing me softly
and ever so slowly

This isn’t your fault, please believe me
If I cease to exist here
It’s because I’m greedy

Although my time here is quickly due
I want you to know
I never gave up, on loving you.

I believe in you, yes I do
I believe in Mountain Dew
I can’t quite say how or why
I can’t quite do it or I’ll die
You want me here but I can’t stay
I know for a fact I’m a really good lay
Take your drink to the other room
Or else my ego will spell your doom
Go **** around with your new guy friend
I’m no longer going to race or contend
I’m drunk right now, as you can see
So please be nice when I cease to be

Fingers slide through my short, damp hair and
Grab.
A slight twinge of revenge comes with a grasping of your ribcage
Air is in short supply in this room because you’re gasping for it
Your bare skin is intoxicating and flawless as my mouth sails across it
Ruby lips, soft and wet embrace my neck as your teeth join in
I pull your warm body closer so I can have complete control as I wrap my arms and surround you
Your bare chest is so inviting, so my mouth meets them in a slow, seductive motion
Gasp.
My tongue moves farther down yet to your beautiful smooth stomach that I oh so enjoy nibbling
Backs are rolling, hips are shifting because you know my next stop
I open your pale thighs and start at the knee where my lips slowly kiss every inch of you
I have settle between your powerful legs that jokingly attempt to choke me out
Elbows down, head down as well
Nails scrape my bare skin and I move in deeper, as if that were possible
Grab and gasp.
My neck makes a perfect target for your hands because they thought of nothing else to grab
The gasps become more frequent as do the grabs and scrapes
Next target
I slide in ever so easily because my work is evident
Grab.
You pull me in for a kiss so you’ll be quiet because there are guests in the house
It’s funny to see you try so hard
You wrap those strong legs around my waist and your arms around my burly neck to hold on for dear life
Bursts of ecstasy and desire flow through the room and we can’t stop for anything or anyone
As you turn over I can’t help but notice your beautiful and captivating....
eyes.
Through the dark room they beg me not to stop
Once again my task of pleasing you is far from over
Your smooth and graceful back is staring at me so I lean down to meet it with lips and teeth
More gasping and those glorious sounds escape from your mouth which let me know of my next target
Breathing is still flowing, however blood is not
You’re in your own high little world and our rocking motion becomes more fierce
Profanities and carbon dioxide escape your mouth as you collapse under me
I undress and slide into bed with you, our bare bodies as one
My fingers intertwined in yours, steady and calm
I wrap my arm around your waist but only for a few minutes before I can’t resist drawing on your back
First a house, then a tree, then I wrote my name, and then yours
Your steady breathing indicates you are asleep so I curl my arm back under yours and listen to the heartbeat of the mystery woman which sounds somewhat familiar
But I can’t place it
Oh well

You sit in my lap when I look over to you with pitiful eyes
I wrap my arms around you and you wrap your hands in my tussled hair
After a long day, it was nice to come home to your arms and the taste of your soft lips

As I lay on the couch I turn to a random cartoon from my childhood
You lay in front of me and ask me all about it
I tell you about the time I got caught stealing cookies and you laugh because I still do that

When I hop in the shower you walk in and out asking me how work was
Until I feel you get in behind me and we have spur of the moment shower ***
Your spontaneity is your best quality and its **** when you make quick references in code in front of our friends

While brushing my teeth you stand behind me and we get into a water fight
I tackle you to the bed where you challenge me to a game
I always win the game

As I lay behind you in bed you roll over for a few minutes to talk
Your voice lulls me to sleep into my solitude where I dream of waking up to you
The last thing I hear before drifting off into the nighttime world is, “The speed limit is 25, my love.”

In this dream world with my mystery woman who I’ve seen on occasion
Everything is as it should be
Mystery woman... Can you please come back?