The smell of White Chocolate Cappuccino permeates the room
Typing, clicking, and Supernatural fill the empty background around us
I shift to prop my sore knee up and you comfortably rest your feet next to my lap
Now all I can do is glance over at you
As I look you meet my eyes
And I can’t help but wonder
What are you thinking behind those beautiful, all-seeing eyes?

Things just instantly got simpler.
Is that really all it took?
A talk, a glance, and a fear to lose...
I know I said it wouldn’t change anything,
but I lied
Don’t get me wrong, I won’t act like it did
But you know better
And for some reason
I don’t feel so alone anymore
Please don’t walk down a road
that I can’t go
Because honestly
waiting has been my specialty
That head tilt, those nights, these talks
I don’t know how else to explain it,
other than I somehow feel like
even though I don’t know the details,
my life was just reassembled
For the first time in a while
my smile means that I’m happy
and I know that no matter what
I’m changed for the better because of you

I saved a voicemail you left me on the 12th of February.
You said that you hoped I had a great day, and you were proud of me.
I’ll never delete that.
Not because I don’t think your proud of me,
but because one day soon I won’t be able to hear your voice anymore.

Words swell in my throat daily, and I feel like it’s going to collapse at any second.
But it doesn’t.
I swallow. Harder. Then even harder. And eventually the lump in my throat dies along with the tears swelling in my eyes.

I go to school, life, social events, and home with my mask.
Sometimes I even wear it to bed.
WHY! I scream in my mind. I scream so loud I’m sure everyone can hear me.
But they don’t. No one can or will.

Of all the people in this world, why you, Daddy?
Why my Dad, my rock and groundwork for my success?
Why, God, would you take your most loyal servant from me?
Right. You selfish god, you.

I saw a picture of us today, Dad.
We were happy. You smiled, and I smiled. WE smiled.
Family again. Whole again.
Just to be taken, for the last time.

Daddy, I don’t want to say goodbye.
Please Daddy. I’m tired of wiping my eyes, and ruining perfectly good shirts.
You’re still happy. How?
That’s right. Because heroes don’t cry.

And neither does my Dad.

Even drunk, I can put my words to thought
And my thought to words

You mean everything to me
And I will stay here forever

As long as it means you’re in my life
Even if I’m not “the one”

I will watch you go through times
And still be here

I will continue to be what I’ve always been to you
A dependable, yet insignificant person in the grand scheme

I’ll make you glad you came
And still be here

Even when you talk about him all the time
I’ll still be here

Just like I’ve always been
Because of many reasons

The main one being
That I know how you feel

Because you are him to me
And I could never be without you

So I won’t even try
And I’ll stay

Until you decide and realize how bad
I am for you

I’m drunk
But I still love you

I’ll read this sober
And still love you

You really don’t understand how much I mean it
When I say I’ll never leave you

Even if it costs me
My last breath

Because to me
You’re worth it

I love you.
I always have.
I always will.
My love.

-V

You’re beautiful.
Smart.
Talented.
Wise.
Level-headed.
Strong.
Cryptic.
­Brilliant.

Some things never do change.

Stop.

Leave me in this misery.

Do not pull me out.

For my misery is my greatest accomplishment.

In my misery you rise above.

In my misery you succeed.

In your success is my demise.

But you, a rarity, creates all.

Can you create death, or does death create you?

My finger glaze the tops of each seemingly tall mountain
They are soft to the touch but far deeper than I choose to recognize
Each stroke must be in an exact measure to ensure that the melody flows
The sounds are perfect in every way
Some I think about on a constant basis and crave to make my hands produce them again
Caution is wise when improvising
It’s impressive and can bring about wonderful new worlds
But strike a note out of the key and some worlds may shatter
Recover.
Safe.
Once again I drag my hand across the endless space of the pages
I still find myself going over old music and perfecting it in my mind
That is until the true melody sits in front of me and plays with my mind
Teasing and taunting until it becomes my new song
That is, until it happens again and the new melody will quickly replace it

I’ll never stop caring
I’ll never stop buying you dinner or flip-flops
I’ll never stop writing obviously coded poems about you
I’ll never stop being here for you
I’ll never stop being annoying
I’ll never stop giving you hugs when you don’t want them
I’ll never stop getting on your last nerve about stupid ****
I’ll never stop doing random **** for you to make you happy
I’ll never stop being here
I’ll never stop bugging you to talk to me about how you feel
I’ll never stop being protective over you when it comes to people you date
I’ll never stop sending you random ****
I’ll never stop couch attacks
I’ll never stop shower talk time
I’ll never stop groaning about your shows you get addicted to
I’ll never stop being your best friend
I’ll never stop treating you like your the most important thing to me, because you are
I’ll never stop rolling my eyes when you tell me to do something
I’ll never stop taking random trips with you
I’ll never stop getting into pointless arguments with you for the sake of just yelling at each other
I’ll never stop being there for you when you’re sick, even though you hate that
I’ll never stop randomly thinking about what could’ve been
I’ll never stop going to concerts with you
I’ll never stop reminiscing on our many adventures
I’ll never stop calling you dear to annoy you
Sweetheart, I’ll never stop loving you
And that’s that

You’re the whisper I see on the faces of the people who know us
You’re the careless word that greets my ears
You’re the soft touch that I crave at night
You’re the shadow that I cast on every girl

Forever it seemed to me
Waiting day after day, wondering
Watching failure after failure
A warm kitchen and a full living room
Pictures on the wall
That I stared at night after night
I can’t get these pictures out of my head
My dreams consume me with terror
And thoughts of losing you
Haven’t I already lost you?
Don’t let them see you cry, dear
Don’t mourn for something you never missed
Or needed
The duct tape that filled the empty space
Of your voided and closed soul
Only the dullest knives have problems
Cutting away the tape
And you, my love, are of the sharpest kind

You sit in my lap when I look over to you with pitiful eyes
I wrap my arms around you and you wrap your hands in my tussled hair
After a long day, it was nice to come home to your arms and the taste of your soft lips

As I lay on the couch I turn to a random cartoon from my childhood
You lay in front of me and ask me all about it
I tell you about the time I got caught stealing cookies and you laugh because I still do that

When I hop in the shower you walk in and out asking me how work was
Until I feel you get in behind me and we have spur of the moment shower ***
Your spontaneity is your best quality and its **** when you make quick references in code in front of our friends

While brushing my teeth you stand behind me and we get into a water fight
I tackle you to the bed where you challenge me to a game
I always win the game

As I lay behind you in bed you roll over for a few minutes to talk
Your voice lulls me to sleep into my solitude where I dream of waking up to you
The last thing I hear before drifting off into the nighttime world is, “The speed limit is 25, my love.”

In this dream world with my mystery woman who I’ve seen on occasion
Everything is as it should be
Mystery woman... Can you please come back?

My head
It hurts so bad
This war is tearing apart what was left of my soul
and my outer shell has paid its price
I’m sorry
So, so sorry
I could never prepare you for this
Its better this way I tell myself
So much better
But then I realize that its ******* not

I’m slowly losing reality to my nightmares
My nightmares drift into my day
And yet I walk among them, as if it’s nothing
So many plans for my life all seem so vague and meaningless
Each step I take from day to day is harder than the last

I need a hero
I need someone to pick me up again
I never could really expect someone to do that
Because in reality, your heroes are almost as ****** up as you are
I’ve reached a desolate corner of my life where I look down two ways
One is to live for
And the other speaks for itself

There he is, asleep in his house
There you are, asleep on my bed
just waiting for me

I smile because the sweet fragrance
of sweet lilies and passion
that lines your neck has already
permeated the room and it hits me as soon as I walk in

I lay behind you and wrap my arms around your
far too familiar waistline that my fingers
know far better than my logic should allow

You scoot farther into me knowing I’ll protect you
Protect you from the thems, hims, and occasional hers
You know I’d never let anything harm you because
my warm body behind you tells you

I reach for my Panda and when I turn back
I come to the harsh realization
that you put Everclear in my drink last night

It’s ok, it was a good dream anyway

So I got this card
in the mail you see
“To: Virginia”
Pretty as can be

I opened the card
with a half-assed smile
only to see
a number to dial

I picked up my phone
and with much despair
dialed my girlfriend
whose number was there

“I think it’s you
and definitely not me.
I’m fairly sure
we weren’t meant to be.”

As I hung up the phone
with a smile on my face
I thought of some blackmail
of her in lace

My puppy dreaming
by my side
You won’t be ready
for this ride

It was a bad idea
to break up with me
And now in time
you shall see

I’m kind of a *****
when it comes to you
I really don’t care
what the hell I do

As long as in the end
I see you cry
And I’ll tilt my hat
With a satisfactory sigh

I don’t hate today
as you see
I just toss some arsenic
in their tea

I’m glad you’re in love
I mean, it’s really plain to see
With your Facebook stati
and obnoxious deeds

Finally one girl
got it right
and bought me a puppy
for all my lonely nights

She knew that I
didn’t need a card or flowers
I just needed
a friend who sat next to my shower

Although this girl
can’t compare
her bright evening eyes
and wind-blown hair

She didn’t send me
that horrid card
she simply reminded me
that life is hard

She didn’t leave me
to fend for myself
she instead put my ego
on a slightly higher shelf

Although I loved that other
card-sending *****
I’m fairly certain
that you’re it

My Valentine’s Day wish
come alive in my room
across the hall
next to the food

So to everyone else
who is lonely on the day
I say to you
Don’t be swayed

I found my girl
in a different type wrapping
You can always find yours
But don’t ever be sappy

This girl is at class
taking tests, and passing life
I’m sitting in my room
as high as a kite

Not high on ****
or any other type drug
As cheesy as this is
I’m completely high on love

I have always felt
like you would be
the one to come my
way and tell me that
you are always going to
come to my side
whenever
I needed it the most and
have always been
my own worst enemy although I have to
hand it to you, you
slided in and have since then been
on my mind a lot from
your point of view but it’s ok I’m a
smooth glider, sailing through
flawless waters just to get
back to you and tell you

that multiple meaning can be taken from everything so be careful how you read things because you never know what is lurking in our first words, my love.

You think I dwell on the past... but I don’t because it’s behind me.  
You think I dwell on the future... but I don’t because it hasn’t happened yet.
You think I dwell on right now... you’re right.
At this moment you’re the only thing that makes sense.
You think I’d try to change my past... but I can’t do that.
You think I’d try to predict my future... but I can’t do that either.
You think I’d try to make this moment be my forever... I just did.
At this moment when my world crashed you stood above me and said, “Hey, I’m here"

My feeble attempts are no match
My firm grasps do better
Tonight would you like me to be rough or gentle?
Maybe even a mixture.
I’m good at that.
Bare skin, intoxicating aromas, and blackened bruises
My lips venture from knee to inner thigh
They take a trip farther between your pale legs until I reach my destination
Your nails in the back of my arm tell me I have arrived
A slow rise from your lower back that moves down your spine
That sound.  Oh my.  That glorious sound.
It isn’t much but it sends my sense reeling into a cataclysmic eruption of desire
Lust overtakes my sense of gentleness and your ribs make for a perfect target
Forgive me for the fingerprints I leave, for it was too hard to control myself
Profanities are my friend coming from your mouth as your hand slides carefully to my mangled hair
But careful is not your plan now is it?
Grab. Pull. Yank. Once again sending my senses into an unending ring of ecstasy
As you breathe in and your body flexes in and out I realize that we both have reached ******
I pause. You **** with a slight after-shock. Still grasping my arm. Nails dig deeper but soon relax
I lay motionless on top of your bare chest.  The most comforting place I’ve ever known
Feeling and hearing the heartbeat of my lover.

And then I awoke from my dream
Only to find myself alone
And ***** as ****

I want Orion on my shoulder
He always looks so lonely up in the stars
Even the Big Dipper isn’t near him
He is surrounded by many constellations that I’m sure mock him for his position
He chased her into the night sky
He’s still chasing
Being a constellation hasn’t gotten him down
I’m not a constellation, but I know how he feels
Orion - keep going for all the lonely romantics of the world and give them hope
As you did for me
So long ago

I hate that I have so many words floating around my head
and I
just can’t
seem
to put
them
together
to let
you
know
exactly how I feel

You see I go anywhere
Desperate for an answer yet
If I could stop to stare
Yet I feel it falling this net

To be all that I am and more
But no matter I can’t get
Past this swing hinged door
It locks out every piece and bit

My soul to you and only if
I could ever see me fit
To be only me and not rip
The hinges off this door for me
Where I stand and grace your hips

Against mine they fall to be
A clear, conscious part of me

I dance.

Dance

Dance

What do you want me to do?
What words do you want me to say?
What course of action should I take ma’am?

I dance around you endlessly.
Don’t worry, I’m not stopping anytime soon.

As I bent my knee down to pray
I felt a softer wind of sway
A wind that metaphorically would tell
Is as old as time, a living hell

I can’t quite describe what this feeling is
But I know one thing, I am dead.
Dead to the world, dead to you
Dead to the sun, but alive to the moon

I live through this night, a summer blue
And forever I will, always love you
I really hate this feeling inside
The one that calls the coming bribe

I can’t quite hide it from you very well
But I know in time I’ll see my hell
In person one, two, or three
I could never quite cease to be

As much as I wish for it to go far away
I can’t shake off this falsified faith
The one that I pray to night and day
All of the words I could never say

I don’t know how to end this without hurting you
So for right now I’ll have to make do
I could never shake off this thing you see
A definite, clear and conscious part of me

10 times I tried to say everything I wanted but
9 days went by before I saw those beautiful eyes and decided that
8 minutes was far too long to keep you waiting so I hopped on
7th street and flew to your house only to leave at
6 that morning because I had
5 million things going on in my head such as why you would stay with me until
4 in the morning just to keep me but the
3rd thing I knew about was that I was way
2 young to even hope for someone like you so I settled with the number
1 and decided I was better off searching the world and settling for someone who didn’t make my heart go
0-60 every time I even saw them but I stayed
1 more night and then before I knew it 2 months later I’m moving
2 your new house and there are
3 animals except I decided you were better off be-
4 you met me so I went running until about
5 that morning and you called me frantic about where I was so I said **** it and on the
6th of the month asked you to marry me and without hesitation you decided
7 was a good number so
8 weeks later we got hitched and
9 years later I remember how much I decided that
1 x infinity days could never be enough to spend with the girl I had to settle with because you thought you weren’t good enough for me when in all actuality we’re both pretty ****** up so instead of one not being good enough for the other how about we are just equal but you’re far more attractive than me so you could do better but we’ll talk about that later over dinner.

When I feel you curl next to me into a small ball,
I’m thinking about how I forgot to put the dishes up.
     And her.
When you wrap your fingers in my mangled hair,
I’m thinking about what I ate for breakfast that morning.
     And her.
When you slide your lips up and down my neck,
I’m thinking about how I prefer how she bites, not slides.
     And her.
When you attempt to connect with me in a ‘passionate’ kiss,
I’m thinking about how much I miss that smell along her neckline that drives me insane.
     And her.
When you sit and tell me that you’re ****** up,
I think of how the crazy position in my life has already been filled.
     And her.
Like I said this isn’t really fair to you,
and then I remember that I really wanted to **** her last night.
     And not you.

Three hours ago I was drunk
Today, I was sober

One month ago I took a chance
Today, we share a house

Six months ago I stopped being a teenager
Today, I grew up

Two years ago I graduated
Today, I learned more

Six years ago I feel in love
Today, I felt it

Fourteen years ago I met my best friend
Today, I saw her

Seventeen years ago I started playing piano
Today, I composed music

Twenty years ago I was born
Today, I died

There is peace in silence
Solstice in my head
Accept to expect
No to know
Jump jive to drunk drive

It’s been one week since you called me
I should be happy, I guess
But I’m not
This gap in my heart is getting ever much so bigger
And I slowly realize that maybe I was wrong to let you go
We had our times that were rough
But god did we have it good
Everyone sees this terrible relationship
But on the inside it was better
Or so I thought
I guess what I’m trying to say is
I really love you
And you were definitely
My favorite mistake

I’m standing outside
     your door
I don’t hear your usual breathing because now
     a door separates us
My normal night I would apologize except
     that **** door is in the way
A simple piece of wood is the reason why,
     a door, for lack of better words
My heart can’t really take much more and neither
     can this **** door

10th of November was
9 days before school started back, and there were
8 thousand words I should have been writing at
7 pm that night because I had
6 papers due but I thought about you until
5 minutes before school and be
4 I knew it you were mine and
3 drinks later I was way too drunk
2 walk myself home and you were the nice
1 who made sure I was okay and my heart went from
0 to 60 everytime you smiled at me.
1 week later at
2 in the morning, you called me, and the
3rd times the charm, I asked you to marry me
4 life because it was barely
5 degrees outside and I was falling for you out of
6 billion people in the world, despite only knowing you for
7 weeks. And now
8 more months later, and
900 days since I told you I loved you, and I thank God for the
1000 days I had with you these two and a half years.

All I Wanted
     Was to see the laced end of your wit brush against my sarcasm
Someone Like You
     To put me back in my box of insecurity, just to break me out again
Without You
     It’s hard to imagine that.  Actually, I can’t imagine that.  So don’t kid about it
In The End
     We’ll know what happened when we could’ve taken advantage of our time together
How To Love
     You taught me the best and the hardest parts.  Even taught me how to get past it
You and Me
     Could’ve been great.  Scratch that, we are great.  Labels can’t touch us
When You Got A Good Thing
     You shouldn’t let it go.  So don’t let me go, ever
Alone I Break
     Until you pick me up and tell me that I’ll be ok
Walk Away
     I’m not good for you.  Even you know that, yet you ignore it anyway.  Lame
My Life Would **** Without You
     Self. Explanatory
I Kissed A Girl
     Yeah, you remember all of that ;)
Again
     **All my words have no bearing on the feelings that course through my veins for you.  I can’t even put my words to use

My nightmares of life
are slowly coming true
I can’t really tell
if I’m losing me or you

Drifting my way through
this endless days dream
Nothing is ever
as simple as it may seem

I think of you now
more than I’ve ever before
Life has something else
lay waste for me no more

Every day seems
like an endless mistake
Yet no longer
do I ne’er dread my fate

I looked to you
for more than just advice
You were my everything
and saved this simple life

I’ll think of you often
now that the days draw near
For now hope I seek
and death no more my fear

I just want to stick my entire body in a bottle of water
Don’t drink me
Just let me be

Let me float in its paradoxical waves
I don’t like it out here anymore

I just want to go back to normal

If I ever was, normal.

Friend truer than true
That warmly feeling
Through and through

Time flies when you’re having fun
But no one said that all this pain
Could be cured by ***

Time has stopped and so have you
This is where my train stops
And I am due

Intro is my song you say
Clear as night
And bright as day

No words ever could do me as much harm
As the words that I’ve metaphorically carved
into my arm

Not your fault and nor are you to blame
Stop selling yourself short
Stop playing this game

My time here is growing shorter as you see
My head is killing me softly
and ever so slowly

This isn’t your fault, please believe me
If I cease to exist here
It’s because I’m greedy

Although my time here is quickly due
I want you to know
I never gave up, on loving you.

This insanity
These dreams
I loathe the way they mix so easily

Those dreams
That insanity
I loathe the way they mix so effortlessly

Lucky me,
I woke up

Eyes, little and innocent but see all that can be seen
Ears so small, yet omnipotent in their own way
Paws that will one day shake the ground as he greets me
Tail that shows true emotion that can’t be faked
Teeth that remind you that, “If you need me mom, I’ll defend you... but in the meantime I can has treat?"
Fur that reminds me of my warmest and softest blanket
Nose that knows no bounds as to where it will lead him
Growl that will one day ward off monsters and all the ‘bad guys’
Bark that speaks to me clearer than most people I know
Sleep well my little friend, and may your dreams be as innocent as you are

I know you don’t love me ...
Like that at least.
I’m your best friend, always here to protect and serve.

I don’t mind this at all of course
But I have to say
     This kills me.

Not you, it’s not your fault.
It’s my stupid heart not communicating with my brain
     This kills me.

I try not to tell you or show how much I love you
It’s weird for you and I can tell.
     This kills me.

I see these guys run through your life and hurt you
I’m tired of seeing you hurt and feeling helpless to it
     This kills me.

I stay out.
Be emotionless Virginia, emotionless is the key
     This kills me.

It kills me because I know you know it hurts me
It kills me because I don’t want to feel this way
It kills me because I can’t help it although I’ve **** sure tried
It kills me because I don’t know what to do
It kills me because I’m slowly dying on the inside and each day it gets worse

I’m trying dear,
I really am.

I’ve realized something
Infatuation is hard
Couldn’t have you which made me want you
Leaving is coming
Quickly
But you know me, love
I’d never leave you like this
You know my name,
don’t wear it out.
Or do..
I’ll come either way

I’m tired of being convenient for you
I’m not some toy for you to toss away when you’re through

I’m a person, a real human as it were
Maybe even a kitten, a playful ball of fur

How important to you am I exactly?
Not too much I assume matter of factly

One day I’ll snap out of this fantasy
That you actually truly will always love me

You have no ******* idea what’s going on in my head.
No it’s not your fault and you aren’t to blame.

It’s me.
And my ****** up little heart.

So just pass me by and drop a dime into my hat.
Like everyone has before.

I’m not the first, or the last
I’m in your present, not your past
I hope that there’s a place for me
Far in the future, I can see
Dysfunctional we are indeed
No warning do we ever heed

I’m so, so sorry for everything that has gone wrong in your life.
I’m so, so sorry that you feel alone.
I’m so, so sorry that there are days that you can’t cope with life because you are practically dead.
I’m so, so sorry for the person that completely ripped you to pieces.
I’m so, so sorry for all of it.
Last but not least I am so, so sorry that you think you aren’t worth it to someone.
Because you are.
You are always worth it to someone.
You’re worth it to me.
So please don’t cry, although I know you see me far clearer through the tears falling from your eyes.

You’re funny
     I’m not
You look beautiful
    I don’t
You can even rock drag
     I can’t rock either gender
You’d never glance across the smoke at me and laugh
     because I’m not hilarious
I mean, you kind of had me at the lip-sync
     but I know you never looked in my eyes
Even when you took the five out of my hand and ran yours up my arm
     I still would never impress someone like you
But **** girl, you looked amazing in all of the mirrors

Petty words for shallow thoughts
I never thought you would be to me what I am to her
Sorry love, but all you are is a pretty face in a players chase
You should know better by now
Dry your tears, because you obviously mistook me for someone who gave a ****

As for you, get me off this ******* moral pedestal
I don’t have any, but I’m glad you think well of me
Well, I love you anyway and I’ll wake you up bright and early my dearest.

With all my love
-Second party heartbreak

My thoughts float through this mystified air
It’s me not you, I solemnly swear.
Mismatched thoughts meet and greet
Your baby blues cause my heart to beat
Fingertips run through my mangled hair
Remind me that for someone so fair,

You’re extraordinary.