They say that a person can hurt you in relation to the level of their importance in your life.
He was and he is the second most important person in my life (next to myself).
That’s why if someone will ask me if he hurt me, I’ll tell them:

“He hurt me in ways I sometimes couldn’t bear the pain. He hurt me in ways I think he wouldn’t. He hurt me in ways I never really think my heart could handle. Loving him hurt me, as loving someone is always the best and worst decision one could ever make. But loving him is something I don't and won't regret.”

it’s painful to have many mutual acquiantances
they thought you’ll be surprising me flowers today
they didn’t know we ended

in the court today,
a lot of them asked me about you
and they don’t know the excruciating pain
of having to lie
that i know where you are and what you’re doing

it’s slowly sinking in:
that i’m really letting you go

i’m proud of myself today
color gray was in the center today
that i wanted the shade to stay
i’ve been looking at a dark, shiny, black for a long time now
tidbits of white come across unexpectedly, but never enough
could this stay?
could i be this grounded, consistently?
moments of gray make me appreciate white more
moments of gray make me stay still and stable, looking at the color black

you know what they say, "life is not a race, it's a marathon."
i agree, but not totally.
life is really a marathon, but i believe we all have multiple finish lines.
and i believe we all have this one, final, and biggest finish line that we have to face in order to completely live happily, and purposefully.

it's tiring.
walking continuously, overcoming a lot of finish lines in life.
i became bruised, unable to walk properly.
but i am still able to walk, i can still do the marathon called life.
i can still smile, i can still make other people happy while i go through my own marathon, and share what i have learned to other people who i share my marathon with.

but it stops with "i can."
i don't feel motivated enough to say "i will."
there are times where i feel like i couldn't continue saying the "i can" anymore.
this burden is just too much to carry, from time to time.

and what's sad about this is that,
yourself is the only one who could solve the heaviness.
yourself is the only one who knows when the "i can" can turn into "i will."
yourself is the only person who can motivate you enough to continue to walk.

so for those out there who experience prolonged agony,
long enough to get used to them,
i want to say that i believe in you.
that there are people who are willing to help you, in any small ways they can.

so please,
don't give up walking.
don't give up the marathon.
let me tell you,
that one big final finish line is worth every pain.

for now,
all i could say is i love you.
i'll never let anyone hurt you more.
cry all you want, shiver and be scared all you want.
i'll protect you.

but soon,
i'll be able to say the following words to you:
i'll guide you outside.
i'll show you how beautiful the world is outside that dark room and you will smile.

for now, i love you and i'll protect you.
but soon, i love you, i'll guide you, and you'll be happy genuinely and comfortably outside that room.