I guess the only reason I never ended it
Is because I was afraid of what would happen if I failed

I thought I was happy
Thought it would be like this forever
One ounce of hope and suddenly
All my old habits
The ones everyone said were bad
Now they're in a package on my doorstep
And I'm letting them in again
But building walls is a trend now
And hiding the truth isn't lying right?
I guess I'll never mend what you broke
Even 3 years later
But the pain helps

I used to be espresso
Til you watered me down
Now I'm hardly anything
Anything at all

I didn’t eat today
I ate in the morning
But just a few bites
So I would survive the day
Without fainting
Because I had to work

I ate just now
Because my friend was skeptical
And I just wanted her
To think
That I was okay
So she wouldn’t worry

I told the only one that knows
I told him that my
Head felt dizzy
Eyes saw black spots when I stood up
Fingers and face and ankles felt numb

He told me to eat
I said I don’t want to
Then he asked me if I wanted to live
And said to eat
But I couldn’t answer
Because I’m not sure if I know

My body feels weak
But my head feels strong
Because I’m not giving in
I have control

I never thought it would be like this.
When I was little, I always imagined I would have this perfect life.
I would go off to college,
Find the man of my dreams and marry him,
Make beautiful children,
Work at the perfect job,
Come home from work,
Cook dinner with my husband,
Play the piano and drink a glass of wine.
But nothing is turning out like I imagined.
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That someday
Eating would be hard for me
That I would have to force myself
Not to give into the nausea
To just eat whatever I wanted
I would have said, “No, never, not me”
Because I thought my life would be perfect
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That one day
I would go to college
And I would let someone abuse me
Physically
Emotionally
And verbally
Someone who was supposed to love me
But who triggered my disease
Who used my vulnerability to get me to want him
Who said the right things to build me up
Only to tear my down
I would have said, “You’re crazy, that would never happen”
Because I thought I would find true love
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That I would rethink every decision I’ve made
Up to this point in my life
That I would close myself off from everyone I love
Because I’m scared I’m not good enough
I would have said, “I am good enough
Because my beauty reigns on the inside and out
And I’m a good friend
And I’m kind
And I’m gentle
And I’m worth it”
Somehow I always imagined and thought the best
And maybe that’s what I’m missing now
Hope

I can’t begin to tell you how messed up it is
How I’ve let you dictate how I perceive love
That I’ve convinced myself, no matter how
Pretty
Smart
Funny
Kind
I am
I will somehow always find the bad within the good
Because that’s what you were
So now
I consume myself with petty, childish crushes
On boys who don’t know I exist
Because at least this way, I won’t have to feel
I won’t have to open up my heart
There may not be bruises on my skin anymore
But they’re still there
On my soul
On my heart
On my perception of men
On my perception of myself
I cannot recover from the illness of you

My heart is as heavy with sorrow and regret
As your head is heavy with evil thoughts