I’ve spent months kicking and screaming
internally begging and praying to a god that I don’t believe in
that you’ll return to me (you haven’t)

it’s a sick habit I’ve picked up- my thoughts so intense that the pictures flash before my eyes of your skin beneath my fingers, our thighs brushing together and the heat radiating from your body
I’m bound, kept in this blissfully torturous delusion, and the way your lips moved against mine that night fed into my delusions-
it was perfect.
I have to let you flood my lungs so I’ll stay afloat;
purge me PURGE ME OF YOUR SIN
the way I feel is unhealthy and infects me from my head to my toes.
I’m chained to you by this feeling of abandonment and pure, absolute NEED (desperate need)
do I have to scream your name at the top of my lungs until it stops making sense to get it out, to get you out? I don’t want you out (the torture I feel masquerades as pleasure too often)
your fingers incinerate me, leaving bruises around my neck (andyankingonmyhair); you have the same desire I do but you’re held back by the chains of your fears and I don’t have an ax to break you free.

I run from every pair of lips that form words like yours- I can’t hear them from anyone but you.
The sun and the moons have all turned on me, leaving me alone in the dead of night to be surrounded by a twisted ghost of you telling me I have no chance with you ever again, but the remembrance of your fingers wrapped in my hair and pulling yanking PULLING, only hours ago, that’s what keeps my heart racing.
I’m begging to be free of the shackles you’ve placed on my heart (I don’t understand why you’ve locked me away like this) but the rubbing of metal against my wrists is starting to hurt too good.
I can’t breathe properly around you. Sometimes not at all.
I’m begging you to close this space between us. The distance is killing me- my heart is slowing, my mind deteriorating without you; this is death.

it’s unbearable, the amount of energy it takes to contain my self control when I’d rather just hold you down and bruise your body even though I know when we’re done you’ll continue to batter my heart.
When you drag your lower lip over my trembling skin (how can I stay still when you’re around?) I want to whisper my thoughts though you already know them (I love you I love you I love you I LOVE YOU)
but everything was ripped away from me and you don’t need me and she’s kissing your neck and whoisshe?howcouldyouleave?wheredidthetimego?itfeelslikeitsonly­beendays?
What did I do WRONG?
How did I mess up enough to have things end like this? I never wanted to lose you but here we are.

(p.h.) (k.k.)