Tessa stirred, lifted her head from the pink pillow, saw bright daylight coming through the gap in the yellow curtains. What day is it? Saturday. Good. No rush. Can lay here for a while. She laid her head down again. She felt beside her with her hand. No one there. Good. Sometimes she invited a man back if he seemed ok and she liked him enough. Obviously, last night she’d not met anyone worth the coming back with. Just as well. She wasn’t in the mood for waiting on them over a breakfast table; talking about the previous night, what it had been like for him or sometimes for her if she had brought back a girl. No one. Just empty space. Although Teddy was there. His one ear was smooth; his fur was thin and sparse. She brought him to her lips, kissed his small head. Hello, Teddy. His glass eye seemed to gaze back at her; the button eye was darker, unseeing. Poor Teddy. Battered and worn. We’ve been together now for…how long? Twenty years? She laid him beside her; kissed his nose. He lay there looking at the white ceiling. Silence. Not a great conversationalist was Teddy. He’d not said a word in all the years they’d been together. Although as a child, she thought he had, would talk with him, play games with him, told him all her secrets and worries. Moreover, of course, he had witnessed things, seen her play with her dolls, with men, the occasional girl, and seen her with all kinds. She brooded for a moment; let the idea of what he may have seen swim around her mind. She had become so used to him being there in her bedroom that she’d given no thought to what he may have seen over the years. Good God. He’d seen all that, never said a word, or moaned or complained or judged her. Too many did that; judged her. But never Teddy. She turned her head, kissed his furry cheek. He didn’t always lie on her bed, when she had company she put him in the armchair in the corner, or on the dressing table by the window. Once one of the men she’d brought back has tossed Teddy across the room, she had become cross, swore at the man, picked up Teddy, kissed his brow, cuddled him against her cheek, told the man to go, leave her because if he could do that to her Teddy he might do it to her. The man shook his head, left thinking her slightly touched, ******* up one of his eyes as if he thought she had lost the plot. Maybe she had, she didn’t care. Teddy had seen her as a little girl, seen her cousin creep into her room, seen him climbed into her bed and do things to her, seen her squirm, seen his hand over her mouth, heard his threats. She hadn’t thought about that; hadn’t given it any thought until now. Remember that, Teddy? He threatened me with all kinds of things if I told anyone what he did. What a *******; what a creep. He’s married now, Teddy; got kids of his own. Poor things. Makes you think. She sat up in bed, stared at the daylight through the gap in the curtains. She got out of bed, sat on the end looking at the wall. Never said a word. Never told anyone, except Teddy; she’d told him. Everything. How it felt; how she felt; how ***** it had made her feel. Teddy listened; never judged. Always there with that look about him, that wise gaze. She sighed. If she saw her cousin now, she said nothing, just stared at him and he stared at her, a knowing look on his fat face. She looked back at Teddy in bed, saw his gaze on her, saw his uncritical gaze. She loved that about him. Loved that look. Breakfast, Teddy? Like I used to make you? She mused on her efforts to get him to eat his breakfast as a child, but he never did. You were awful at eating your breakfast. Mother told me not to give you any, but I always did; always gave you some of mine. It made Father cross, made his face become all stern and cross looking, and he threatened once to throw you out when we moved from that old house to the new one. But I hid you so he couldn’t. You saw him when he spanked me; heard my cries. Mother never came or said anything, but you were always there; I am sure I heard you say you loved me, would always be there for me. She nodded her head. Sighed. The strong silent type was Teddy. Always there. With his one glass eye, his balding fur, his one ear. Haven’t seen them for years now, the parents. They’re in Oxford; I’m here in New York. An ocean between us. Miles and miles. We’re here, Teddy, you and me. Just the two of us. Just us, this apartment, the paintings on the walls, the jazz on the CD player, our secrets, all our own secrets. Just us. Just you and me. Eh, Teddy? Eh? Silence. Teddy, the strong silent type and me the mouthy *****. What a couple. What a pair. Me here, you there. She laughed, looked at Teddy’s moon shaped smile, the smile was always there, a welcome smile, a smile to warm her, to tell her she was good, she was loved. Yes, loved; wanted for whom she was inside, not for what she said or did or didn’t do. Just you and me, Teddy. Just you and me.

Was there ever a more beautiful sound than your name? To speak it aloud makes my heart ring like a bell. Strange to imagine that, isn’t it – a heart ringing – but when you touch me that is what it is like: as if my heart is ringing in my chest and the sound shivers down my veins and splinters my bones with joy.

Why have I written these words in this book? Because of you. You taught me to love this book where I had scorned it. When I read it for the second time, with an open mind and heart, I felt the most complete despair and envy of Sydney Carton. Yes, Sydney, for even if he had no hope that the woman he loved would love him, at least he could tell her of his love. At least he could do something to prove his passion, even if that thing was to die.

I would have chosen death for a chance to tell you the truth, Tessa, if I could have been assured that death would be my own. And that is why I envied Sydney, for he was free.

And now at last I am free, and I can finally tell you, without fear of danger to you, all that I feel in my heart.

You are not the last dream of my soul.

You are the first dream, the only dream I ever was unable to stop myself from dreaming. You are the first dream of my soul, and from that dream I hope will come all other dreams, a lifetime’s worth.

With hope at least,
Will Herondale

Tessa VII




I am curious, on your man, woman- advice friends. Tac-
tically impotence only wants to say, what if? The long line of
this hissing in my ear can drive me mad. And than I'm saying
'Look who's talking'. It's the diplomacy on treading carefully
on your feelings. What if I hurt you and lot's of apologies?

Your friends are holding me in contempt for loving the way
that you are. Or, that could be a state of the art opinion and
self hollowness, when liberated for too long. Horses don't eat
meat or Beef Wellington. And you are a fine equus, I know...
I am waiting for this morphology, muscles turning to butterflies.

Nine days ago we were in unfamiliar territories, still. A diamond
had fallen from off the forehead unto the floor, a stony wall
horizon. I am following the Ivy towards your thinly path through
the woods. It is more than a thought, or impulse. If you want
my advice, a moment's blindness could do us many wonders.






Tessa VIII




Where is the fountain of youth in our future, today, tomorrow,
thereafter? Interesting seeing or watching two adults trying
hard to find this childlike 'would you like to be my friend?' talk.
Men walk through rocks and mountains, and women are at the
tunnel's end waiting for collision. Questions are being asked,

whether we started off the wrong way. It wasn't in my app, or
yours and looming before us. You grassed me up, I am a British
criminal of the surreal land. Marshes and bush are on fire, I like
singing this song. Or change all this to care for each other, and
forget that we are pixies. I never liked Kilroy, my late

confession. ET went home, alone, and now is staying on the
planet of Extraterrestrial. As for your idyllic nature the fountain
of youth was love. A quiet place in the evenings perhaps, and
I will find you there. Halfway under the full moon and spider's
mating season. If death may be the fate I may find, playwright.






Tessa IX



I need a cigarette, chuckle at something trivial, or go to bed and
call for the whales. Why it end up here in this way is only
making sense if you are a living memory. What is the story of
your life, a matey question unanswered. You are trying to hide
from triviality, I get that impression from afar. Pain in my shoul-

der, just off the blade. Are we going somewhere this after-
noon? The cricket field is empty or mental asylum. How do
we pretend in a pretend world? Let's get M, the M- word,
or negation and forensics. I need a hug or group hug of you
and me. If you can't laugh now, I am not a comedian, S U C.

If I would have
to write your name
a thousand times,
I would.

My hands would
tire and cramp---
but it would be
a pleasant cramp. A
pleasant
tiresomeness.

For your name is pleasant
and it would be
too much
of a
pleasure
to write it
a thousand times.

The night was washed out in a errie blue grey. The moon made the beat for me a bit less anxious.. This part of the city aint never been kind. Taking a long drag from a stale ciggarette i thought about the dective boss man introduced me too at the bar. A Robert Cobalt. A steely dispostion and eyes that cut through in a way that didnt make total sense. He told me about a  lead. Riches and adventure await if I'd just put aside some morals and go with it he said. Diamonds.. Always been attracted to the worthless things, theyre just rocks but I bet a fist full of em.would make any man feel like a god. The light turned green and I wondered what would make a man get all twisted up and go after such a thing. Turning a corner towards 8th street I looked out my passanger window and saw something not too out of the ordinary on this side, a man approaching a women, knife in hand and a gait that meant bussiness. I turned on my lights and told the sunnuvabitch to stop where he was, guess the man was desperate cause he ran full force towards the women, after her bag id guess. Reflex and training set in and i went through the motions, the whole time thinking theres no way i could be fast enough to stop this. What i sae next surprised the hell outta me. Calm as could be, right before the man got to her and right as i was stepping out of the car she threw an elbow right into the mans chest. He doubled over, caught of guard by the heavy blow. She grabbed the back of his head by his hair pulled him up straight and flat laid him out with a well placed blow to the jaw. Subsequenctially my jaw hit the floor. I walked towards her slowly, the threat neutralized. She stood calmly and lit her self a smoke. She told me her name was Tessa. Tessa rosiere. A privite invistagator. I guess i looked more shaken than she did as she offered me a ciggarette. I stood there for maybe a bit too long without saying anything and the man started to groan and stir. I asked what she was doing out here this late already knowing the answer. Following a lead she says.. Before i can ask more theres a bright flash a strange smell and a dull pain. I look down and my stomachs leaking blood. Cant remember much after that. No idea who had shot me but waking up in the hospital on the east end was surprise. Still alive i guess. The sterile scent of the room made me feel like.running and the sight of all the tubes sent my heart faster than it needed to be. Shot in gut. Either by tessa or by that ***.. Maybe even some one else who knows. Still alive though.. Oddly the tgought of diamons crept into my scattered brain. The idea seemed more than appealing now.  No more late beats in a bad part of town. No more getting shot,  no more having to work. Just a fist full of diamonds and the freedom.to do as i wanted. My last groggy thought as the flourecnest lights blurred was of Cobalt.. I'd find the *******. And see what he had to say
.sleep took me like a riptide.

It wasn't long after when I got out of the hospital. The doctor gave me all kinds of prescriptions but I knew the only medicine i needed was waiting for me in a smokey room full of tired souls. A double on the rocks. I walked into the run down pub and the smell of cigars and whiskey welcomed me like a hug from my father. Only not as warm. "Double on the rocks. Keep me comin til I leave." I said. Muddy Waters was painting the whole place blue. "That's not gonna help you heal, jewels.." A voice said behind me. I turned around and it was special agent Heller and her trainee Agent Ronen. They had sweet faces but you'd be a lucky man to not be on their bad side. Heller blew smoke in my face with a smile. I guess that's as close as I'll get to a "welcome back". We sat and talked for a while while Ronen looked at her phone. She wasn't into conversation much. Once we were all sure we had one too many, we were ready to call it a night until Ronen got a call. "****. Don't pack it in just yet." Heller scoffed "I'll be ****** if I'm gonna go wipe some rookies nose this late at night." Ronen looked at her boss sternly. "You're gonna wanna see with one. It's not rookie this time. Murphy Pendleton just kicked the door in on a **** lab on 92nd street". Pendleton. That crazy *******. Hearing his name ****** me off. "You guys can go handle that ******* on your own. I'm not..." "No. You're coming. I saw your badge and Gun. You might as well be on the clock Jewels. Let's get down there before he scares off the camera crews again. It's gonna be a long night." Heller said putting out her cigarette in my drink. She was right. No one ever wants to walk in on a crime scene if Pendleton is involved. Chief Cobalts been after that ******* badge for years. But ******* does he get the job done. Tip the bartender, grab the coats. Time to see what fresh hell was waiting for us. Before we left, I put Tom Waits on the jukebox...

I don't even hear the sirens anymore. We all got in Hellers squad car and headed to the crime scene. I see the lights flashing from the roof of the car. But the sirens might as well be the sound of a car passing or a telephone ringing. When you hear something everyday, it just fades away. Heller and Ronen sat up front and I was in the back. I had forgotten how cramped it was back there. It took me back to when I was a stupid kid. Back when I was afraid of those same lights and same sirens. Back when i still saw people passing by, not just potential criminals. We pulled up to the crime scene and the press was everywhere. The whole front of the building was taped off. "Well at least there aren't any bodies in the street this time. Looks like Pendleton could be getting soft on us." I saw Ronen let a smile slip across her face. I couldn't help but laugh. We all know Pendleton's rep. I guess you gotta have a dark sense of humor for this ****. One of the rookies I liked was holding the line. "Ventus. What are we looking at?" I asked while lighting up a cig. Ventus looked down at her feet. "It's not good. He really just......it's not good." She said in a tired low tone. Heller put a hand on her shoulder. "Go home Tera. We can handle this. Jewels. You go on ahead with Ronen." Heller said. We walked under the tape and towards the scene. The door to the small shop was handing off the hinges. Bullet holes in the glass. Blood on the floor. The red trail led us to the back room. One. Two. Three. Four. Four dead bodies. Blood on the walls. And in the cleaning supply closet on the back wall off this moldy dreary **** lab sat Pendleton on a over turned bucket. He still had his pistol in his hand. "Ronen. I'm gonna..." I started. "Psh. You don't gotta tell me twice." She said before exiting back to the front of the store. A shoe shop with a **** lab in the back. That's a new one. I started towards Pendleton. It was hardly a graceful entrance on account of having to dance around dead bodies. About 3 feet from Pendleton is where I noticed, the man wasn't shaking. He was just sitting. "Pendleton. What the **** are you doing? What happened here?" I barked. "Got a lead on this lab and came to investigate. As soon as they saw me, the pulled their guns. I didn't wanna get left out so I pulled mine. The 2 up front ran to the back. Caught the tall one in the shoulder. Reloaded and came back here. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom." He said. Calm and collected. "There's only 2 guns on the floor. The other two, why are they dead?" I asked. "**** Jewels. Maybe after I dropped the two with guns, the other 2 picked them up. Maybe I did what I had to. And maybe I'm not in the mood for all YOUR ****** QUESTIONS." He yelled looking up at me. His teeth showing like a mad dog. His gun was still in his hand. "Get your **** together Pendleton. This isn't the time or place for your ****. And put your ****** gun up. The cameras are right outside." I said quietly. Pendleton was a loose canon. And I made it known I hated his guts. But hey, you can't choose who you work with. "What's the matter with you? Normally you woulda left by now. Why are you sticking around for this one?" I asked looking around the room. Pendleton reached in his pocket and pulled something out. "I pulled the IDs on all these guys." He said handing me for drivers licenses. "Jacob Wrens, Joseph Brown, Tanner Wilcocks and David........Cobalt..." I read to myself. I darted my eyes at him. His face was dead. His eyes were grey. "Murphy.....are you telling me......one of these kids is the chiefs son?" I said slowly. He looked down at the floor, opened his mouth and said ".....was"

She's been enjoying her time while living and working in London.

And Nicole Kidman was clearly thrilled to be one of the star guests at The 60th Women Of The Year Luncheon & Awards in the British capital on Monday afternoon.

The 48-year-old actress - who is currently starring in West End play Photograph 51 - cut a beautiful figure in a multi-tonal lace dress as she arrived at the prestigious event, held at the InterContinental London Park Lane.

The willowy beauty covered her slim figure in the mid-length dress, made up of several different lace panels in pale lilac, purple, yellow, black and white.

Cinching in at her slender waistline, the dress billowed out into a full A-line skirt, and also included long sleeves.

A Victoriana-style high-necked black lace section finished off the gorgeous garment, giving her a serene, ladylike air.

The Australia actress teamed the eye-catching dress with a pair of strappy black heels with pointed toes, and a tiny black box clutch.

Her pale red locks were swept back into a chic updo, her mid-length fringe framing her face.

The actress' bright blue eyes were highlighted with just a touch of mascara, and her beauty look was pulled together with a pretty pink shade on her lips.

Nicole was one of many star guests at the annual central London event, held to honour amazing women across all industries.

The famous event, which paid special tributes to six remarkable women from all fields, saw plenty of other star guests in attendance, with 400 in total at the luncheon.

After rising to fame as the winner of this year's The Great British Bake Off, Nadiya Hussain was one of the star attendees at the highly-significant ceremony.

The talented baker and busy mum, 30, rocked a simple and chic ensemble of slim-fitting black trousers and a crisp blue blazer, and bright turquoise heels.

Another familiar face was singer/songwriter Katie Melua, who opted for a cool androgynous ensemble.

The Call Off The Search hitmaker showed off her lovely long legs in a pair of black leather trousers, teamed with a sheer white blouse, a blazer and a cute black ribbon ******* around the collar.

Writer-comedian-actress Meera Syal rocked a typically unconventional ensemble as she arrived, cutting a striking figure in a bold patterned shirt dress with a lovely long black scarf and a jacket thrown over the top.

Princess Diana's glamorous niece Lady Kitty Spencer channelled a power-dressing 1980s vibe in a standout black shirt dress with bright, colourful buttons donw the front.

The pretty blonde finished her luncheon look with a chunky white clutch bag and perspex heels.

Choreographer and former Strictly Come Dancing star Arlene Phillips was a chic addition to the guest list in a figure-hugging red dress, and TV presenter and journalist Julie Etchingham wowed in an understated taupe dress with an origami-folded skirt and matching cropped jacket.

Also in attendance were the likes of Dame Esther Rantzen, TV's Lorraine Kelly - who was glorious in a gold lace frock - Maureen Lipman, Mary Nightingale, Jo Brand and

The Women of the Year winners were whittled down and chosen by a panel of notable, accomplished women: Sandi Toksvig CBE, Sue MacGregor CBE, Dame Tessa Jowell MP, Baroness Doreen Lawrence OBE, Jane Luca, Ronke Phillips, Eve Pollard OBE, Lisa Markwell, Gill Carrick and Sue Walton.

And viewers of popular morning programme, ITV's Lorraine, were also able to vote for their Inspirational Woman of the Year via a phone poll.

Sandi, President of the Women of the Year Awards, said: 'Women of the Year has celebrated the wonderful achievements of women since 1955.

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