My heart is open and getting softer to
This unruly, textured, tender, layered existence
This isn’t new though
It’s always been a giant beating thing.
It beat for acceptance and praise and approval
As if those things were Love
As if those things sustained anything besides veneers
When my heart beat for anybody but myself
Kids, partners, parents, friends, strangers
It beat so loudly that it drowned out
The sounds of its own losses
This time and space forced me to be so
So broken open
That the only beating my heart did at first felt traitorous
Slowly, slowly when I had no reason to protect myself
No reason to deny my small self anything
Because there was nothing left to grasp for...
My heart turned to itself
Its strange that people
of storing memories
that you have since forgotten.
I have this one friend who tells me things about myself that I never knew.
Be it a story I told or a joke I pulled.
I was quite the jester.
It weirds me out that there are people who hold memories of me
be it fond be it
I made an impact,
At some point in time.
I think he remembers so much about me because we were best friends once.
I feel like I have betrayed a lot of people.
Today has been rough.
I don’t want them.
I’m scared to sleep again because that’s where the dreams live
My dreams don’t know that hope feels like death
That thoughts of you need to be closely filtered,
monitored, redirected and pushed away
Lest I start crying and not stop until
my body has lost all of its water in tears
My dreams are where I remember
you played on my body like a jungle gym
Where every kiss seared my soul
The big dream has yet to be told
that no one is coming to the party
and it is still building the venue
The dreams are where
memory, fantasy and hopes grow
in fertile soil without knowing
there is no sun to feed them
and the water is running dry
Time is returning to me
And you’re gone
My existence isn’t something
you test out your empathy on
My humanity is not something
that asks for your sympathy
My life and loves and lived experiences
are liberated from your thin,
Your opinion holds no bearing in my body.
— The End —