It has laid patiently in the recesses of my phone waiting for its day of glory. And 7 months of gestation has finally birthed diligence.
Besides it’s high time I tell this story otherwise I’m just going to (intentionally) forget and never write about it.

   * 11th Feb 2014 - 20th Feb 2014.

This isn’t merely an account of my journey to the beautiful south (my native) but also a personal record of my thoughts during my stay there. If things don’t seem to fit, you’re making the mistake to trying to make sense.

[raw/unedited - start of log]


!) *Getting there: Last night I opened the compartment door to an old man wetting himself with his lungi lying at his feet. Like a busted tap, trickling down his draws, he stood there in a decadent mix of ecstasy and shame.
I held open the door to let him pass.
I can’t say for sure if he saw my disgust seeping from the lines on my face, but I tried my level best to act indifferent. I am good at it.
Incapable of relieving oneself in one’s hour of need? I’d rather be dead. My stupid pride wouldn’t let me live another day.
The next morning we happened to get off closer to our destination than we intended. So did gramps. The stubborn mule, despite his aged regression and insanity wanted to get to the next platform by walking over the tracks. And like a Saturday night drunk he fell and laughed and drooled until he got what he wanted. **** me to hell if I see the day that I walk in those shoes.
There is nothing else I’d hate more.

@) There is where?: Welcome, this is day one. Boredom.
Stuck somewhere in the middle of ignorance and bliss. Con-*******-fused about my place here. It’s slow. Things are slow here. That much I know.

#) Blend: Sleepless smelly nights with the things that should not be. Asleep at last, half past 3. Awake again within 6 hours, no less, to a breakfast late enough to be breaking bad on me. Ants bit me, indigestion ****** me. Noises haunted, I was daunted.
Literally, everything is coconut oil. Last night it felt like a coconut took a crap in my mouth and its byproducts came out my rear end—or did they?

$) Relate: So I have a cousin sister here. Two actually and a handful of brothers too. I finally know something of the other side. I’m strangely liking this. Just knowing is enough it seems. I’m not a good brother.

%) Drift: A dead, calm, quiet night. The silence is almost overwhelming. Even the crickets can’t break through the static. [Sitting under a waxing moon on a lush green lawn surrounded by trees and vibrant silhouettes of the night sky] Such natural beauty freely available without demand. Who wouldn’t be lazy? The mosquitoes.
During the rains, the visual quality of this place reaches heavenly heights. And that should give you a fairly good idea of how stunning this place is the rest of the time. It’s only February.
If I lived here I’d never be the same. Good or bad? I choose not to wonder. But while I’m here, I’m going to soak all that I can in. I suddenly see so many different ways life could go by stepping out of my own comfort zone. It’s Ironic. But then all good wisdom is wasted upon amateur blabber that only soothes the soul momentarily. Nothing profound or earth shattering comes from the realization. Ah, there’s that comfort zone.

^) Halt: I can see why they call Kerala ‘God’s own country’, Because everything stays the same as though that’s how it was meant to be. 40 years or 50, makes no difference. The natural order of things here stays unchanged. It’s the opposite of how Bombay works. You can’t turn a blind eye for two seconds in fear of losing something that won’t alter your life inconsequentially. Yes.
Here, I could leave all my valuables outside the house for a week and no one would even bother. I may have exaggerated but not by much.

&) Eggo: This ‘person’ I’m with is insufferable. Good, great and jolly when HE chooses to be but a first class ******* the rest of the time. Makes me wish I wasn’t born to choke on his arrogance and idiocy. Whoever stuck that tree trunk up his *** must have had reasons I could relate with. This is all the love I can express. It’s hard to admire someone so narrow minded and primitive. I won’t lead, neither will I follow. Ego will meet eggo.

) No excuse: So I can be left at the table alone for as ******* long as it takes for me to finish, but for this man’s tantrums, for the impolicy his *lonely dinner creates (which he prefers, DAILY, back home) I have to oblige and start when he says so, only to have him leave when my plate isn’t even half empty, with a casual, “take your time” mental punch to the back of my head as though there’s nothing wrong with this whole ******* scenario.
Thankfully, all of this was succeeded by a full, beautifully bronze tinted moon floating in a cloudless ocean of sparkling diamonds and weeping crickets still struggling to overpower the silence; failing miserably.
I wouldn’t mind sitting here alone forever but alas, not all things are this easy. And this night will again wilt into day and the sad fight will spoil or be forgotten, conveniently. Eventually you learn, they all fester.

() Sugamano? (how are you?): My bowel movements have yet to reach an agreement with my diet. My cousin is going to teach me Malayalam through mail. Somehow I approve of this despite the several offers that I have declined from my friends in the past. Maybe I’m glad that my family just got bigger. It’s very important that I realize and cherish my ties. Who knows? I might end up being a nobody and moving here when I’m all withered and choked up with regret as a failure in denial.

!)) BAA BAA BOO BOO: My cousin’s kid. He looks a bit like me when I was that age. Wait, he isn’t even of age. He’s freaking 9 months and he’s crawling, rolling, slapping, pulling, strangling, screaming and imitating words people say around him that he can barely pronounce. I want to eat him. He’s cuter than anything I’ve ever seen. He’s gonna be a lady killer if he doesn’t go black (like most mallus do).

!!) Bliss: Classical night sky… Twinkles dance to the grand tune. Fireflies fall like stars, confusing senses to enthrall with exquisite precision. Feel the cosmos swallow thoughts and words as they mean nothing at all. If the sky shifted now, gravity would take a hike. And sooner than it takes for realization to set in, this world would become peaceful again.

!@) Role playing: The elephants are sight seeing on the backs of trucks. Humans are the escorts for these mammoths here. No more show business for these executives. They make sure the men serve as the slaves they own.

!#) Saving memories: I am a man who has forgotten how to smile. Even my tears can throw on a better performance for the mirror that breaks me. I have to force and instant’s glee to burst one out. I cannot hold joy as tightly as I do hatred or sadness. Family photos are the worst. I have to conjure a series of mental comical disasters only to maintain a smile that is fit for a *******. And that is on my best day. Every other day, however, it seems as though I’m constipated.
I spent the most awesome day today with my cousins who I barely knew 5 days ago. Although I haven’t spoken to them freely due to the language barrier it nevertheless feels like home. They’ve been thinking about me all the years we’ve been apart. Now it’s my turn to think about them. And it’s going to take quite a strong blow to the head to erase these wonderful memories I’ve had the pleasure of creating with them in my short stay here.

!$) Reasons: Valappad beach. If there is any place I would love to go to relax, to party, to be lost in thought and marvelous beauty for hours, to ******* OD and die, that would be the place. The beach stretches on forever. Horizon to horizon of clean white sand and foamy water. You could build castles as tall as skyscrapers in this sand. Gorgeous plantations just before on the shore line. Goa fails in comparison. With an enormous sky looming overhead and the ocean that appears to fall off the horizon you can’t help but wonder how such a natural work of art sustains itself. It doesn’t. The locals here do. All the trash from the beach is brought back inland so that there are no compromises with respect to visual ******. The ****** grains hug your feet and as soon as you hit the water you’re done for. It brings back a surge of euphoria that only your first spliff of hash would give you otherwise. I would give up the stash in a heartbeat for this fix. I wouldn’t mind being this high for the rest of my life.

[end of log]

La mattutina pioggia, allor che l'ale
Battendo esulta nella chiusa stanza
La gallinella, ed al balcon s'affaccia
L'abitator dè campi, e il Sol che nasce
I suoi tremuli rai fra le cadenti
Stille saetta, alla capanna mia
Dolcemente picchiando, mi risveglia;
E sorgo, e i lievi nugoletti, e il primo
Degli augelli susurro, e l'aura fresca,
E le ridenti piagge benedico:
Poiché voi, cittadine infauste mura,
Vidi e conobbi assai, là dove segue
Odio al dolor compagno; e doloroso
Io vivo, e tal morrò, deh tosto! Alcuna
Benché scarsa pietà pur mi dimostra
Natura in questi lochi, un giorno oh quanto
Verso me più cortese! E tu pur volgi
Dai miseri lo sguardo; e tu, sdegnando
Le sciagure e gli affanni, alla reina
Felicità servi, o natura. In cielo,
In terra amico agl'infelici alcuno
E rifugio non resta altro che il ferro.
Talor m'assido in solitaria parte,
Sovra un rialto, al margine d'un lago
Di taciturne piante incoronato.
Ivi, quando il meriggio in ciel si volve,
La sua tranquilla imago il Sol dipinge,
Ed erba o foglia non si crolla al vento,
E non onda incresparsi, e non cicala
Strider, né batter penna augello in ramo,
Né farfalla ronzar, né voce o moto
Da presso né da lunge odi né vedi.
Tien quelle rive altissima quiete;
Ond'io quasi me stesso e il mondo obblio
Sedendo immoto; e già mi par che sciolte
Giaccian le membra mie, né spirto o senso
Più le commova, e lor quiete antica
Cò silenzi del loco si confonda.
Amore, amore, assai lungi volasti
Dal petto mio, che fu sì caldo un giorno,
Anzi rovente. Con sua fredda mano
Lo strinse la sciaura, e in ghiaccio è volto
Nel fior degli anni. Mi sovvien del tempo
Che mi scendesti in seno. Era quel dolce
E irrevocabil tempo, allor che s'apre
Al guardo giovanil questa infelice
Scena del mondo, e gli sorride in vista
Di paradiso. Al garzoncello il core
Di vergine speranza e di desio
Balza nel petto; e già s'accinge all'opra
Di questa vita come a danza o gioco
Il misero mortal. Ma non sì tosto,
Amor, di te m'accorsi, e il viver mio
Fortuna avea già rotto, ed a questi occhi
Non altro convenia che il pianger sempre.
Pur se talvolta per le piagge apriche,
Su la tacita aurora o quando al sole
Brillano i tetti e i poggi e le campagne,
Scontro di vaga donzelletta il viso;
O qualor nella placida quiete
D'estiva notte, il vagabondo passo
Di rincontro alle ville soffermando,
L'erma terra contemplo, e di fanciulla
Che all'opre di sua man la notte aggiunge
Odo sonar nelle romite stanze
L'arguto canto; a palpitar si move
Questo mio cor di sasso: ahi, ma ritorna
Tosto al ferreo sopor; ch'è fatto estrano
Ogni moto soave al petto mio.
O cara luna, al cui tranquillo raggio
Danzan le lepri nelle selve; e duolsi
Alla mattina il cacciator, che trova
L'orme intricate e false, e dai covili
Error vario lo svia; salve, o benigna
Delle notti reina. Infesto scende
Il raggio tuo fra macchie e balze o dentro
A deserti edifici, in su l'acciaro
Del pallido ladron ch'a teso orecchio
Il fragor delle rote e dè cavalli
Da lungi osserva o il calpestio dè piedi
Su la tacita via; poscia improvviso
Col suon dell'armi e con la rauca voce
E col funereo ceffo il core agghiaccia
Al passegger, cui semivivo e nudo
Lascia in breve trà sassi. Infesto occorre
Per le contrade cittadine il bianco
Tuo lume al drudo vil, che degli alberghi
Va radendo le mura e la secreta
Ombra seguendo, e resta, e si spaura
Delle ardenti lucerne e degli aperti
Balconi. Infesto alle malvage menti,
A me sempre benigno il tuo cospetto
Sarà per queste piagge, ove non altro
Che lieti colli e spaziosi campi
M'apri alla vista. Ed ancor io soleva,
Bench'innocente io fossi, il tuo vezzoso
Raggio accusar negli abitati lochi,
Quand'ei m'offriva al guardo umano, e quando
Scopriva umani aspetti al guardo mio.
Or sempre loderollo, o ch'io ti miri
Veleggiar tra le nubi, o che serena
Dominatrice dell'etereo campo,
Questa flebil riguardi umana sede.
Me spesso rivedrai solingo e muto
Errar pè boschi e per le verdi rive,
O seder sovra l'erbe, assai contento
Se core e lena a sospirar m'avanza.

Iodine. Or rather, iodine tincture. As a young child, I didn't really understand what iodine tincture was. All I knew was that it was a funny reddish color, it was cold, and my grandfather always had it with him. Whenever I was injured, with little scrapes and bruises on my elbows and knees, a small vial of iodine tincture suddenly materialized in my grandfather's hand. I remember quiet moments in the summer, when I sat propped up on the bed, watching in fascination as my grandfather placed two small drops of the liquid on to my knee, rubbing it in with a cotton ball. As soon as the iodine touched my knee, all my pain went away. Looking back, I'm not sure how effective that tiny bottle actually was, but to five year old me, the iodine tincture was a magical potion, and my grandfather was the wizard who wielded it.

Pomegranate seeds. I'm sure most of us are familiar with the white little seeds encased by the beautifully red and juicy pomegranate 'arils' (don't worry, I had to look that word up too). Peeling the pomegranate skin off to reach the edible fruit itself is already such a hassle -- who has the time to take out the seeds? They are a minor inconvenience, and so we pop the whole jewel into our mouths. But when I think of pomegranate seeds, I think of Dadun, my dearest grandfather. I remember sitting in a very unstable plastic chair that I would intentionally rock back and forth, testing the limits of gravity. I remember a cool breeze that would shake the leaves of trees , providing some reprieve from the hot summers in Kolkata, India. Dadun and I would sit in the shade of the monoon tree, which cast shadows in a small corner of our balcony. I would prop my small feet onto his knees, excitedly chattering away as he quietly listened. In his hands he held two bowls. One bowl had half a pomegranate, and the other held the small arils. One by one, he somehow extracted each white seed and tossed it back into the first bowl. Within a half hour, I had in front of me a clean bowl of seedless pomegranate arils, carefully prepared by my grandfather. I would of course completely wolf down the entire bowl of sweet fruit in far less time than it took to extract the fruit. Dadun would always have a satisfied smile on his face afterwards, knowing that he had made my day.

Jackfruit. It's a weird thing. In some American stores, I've only ever seen canned jackfruit, which looks, smells, and tastes weird. In some Asian stores, I've seen the actual fruit, but it's always either got a weird starchy flavor, or the fruit itself is far too small. In Kolkata, that's where it's just right. Jackfruit in Kolkata can weigh almost 100 pounds. Beyond the spiky exterior lies a very unique gem of a fruit. It is sticky like a mango, smells far sweeter than a durian, and tastes like nothing else you've ever experienced. It is bright yellow, and a common staple in households. I remember every time we visited Kolkata, one random morning I would wake and sit at the dining table, and everyone would be making a funny face. My grandfather would be seated in a shirt and khakis, an indication that he had been outside, as it was different from the simple blue lungi he generally wore. He'd look away to the opposite direction, almost as if he were guilty about something. My grandmother would be in the kitchen angrily cleaning, yelling about how my grandfather had no considerations for her, no logic, etc. etc. My mother would be silently laughing into her palm. And in the next moment, out of nowhere Dadun would pull out a GIANT jackfruit and place it right on to the table. My face would immediately light up and I would gleefully laugh. Dadun didn't mind getting yelled at by my grandmother for going out early in the morning just to lug this ridiculously large fruit into the house. It was worth it when he saw me laughing, and he would join in with his deep bellowing HA HA HA. Together we'd laugh at the sheer ridiculousness that was the jackfruit, and the sheer ridiculousness that was inevitably going to be us eating the entire thing, piece by piece.

Load-shedding. When I was young, people would say the word so fast, as in "Are, load-sheddding hoyeche", I hadn't even realized it was an english phrase. The official definition is the distribution of power to lessen the load on a source, but I equated it to a power outage, which is incredibly common across all of India. The outages were not necessarily predictable, and although they were often disruptive, they were simply a part of life. People were accustomed to them, and everyone just worked around them. At night, the power outages were far more noticeable. Any lights in the house would shut off, shrouding everything in complete darkness. The loud fans, which were often the only source of cooling air, would stop spinning, and the sudden silence that crept into the room was difficult to ignore. With the absence of the fan, the sweltering, muggy heat of the night also became more pronounced. On nights like these, I would be abruptly shaken awake by my mother, who would hand me a small flashlight and instruct me to go into my grandparents room, where the open balcony allowed for more ventilation. There, I would find Dadun, already awake and sitting in a plastic chair, with a pakha in hand. I would sleepily join him on the balcony, as he fanned my face with the pakha, narrating small stories until I fell back asleep. I don't remember the discomfort of those nights, only that without fail, Dadun was always there.

I don't know what my grandfather was like in his younger years. I've been told he was a righteous man, very disciplined and stern. When he was angered, the earth would quake. I've heard from some that he was proud, sometimes too much. I know that he had come from nothing, and that he had overcome numerous obstacles to make something of himself. He had been rich in many ways, and sometimes that had made him both friends and enemies.

I know what my grandfather was like in his last moments, and I choose to ignore it. I choose to forget that although I stood right by him days before he passed, he could not truly see me, and he had no idea his beloved granddaughter was right there. I choose to forget that he could not get out of bed, or speak clearly, or feed and bathe himself. I choose to forget that he had no recollection of when and where he was.

What I know, and choose to remember, about Dadun is that when I was younger he regaled me with tales of science and Hindu religion, somehow connecting what I had perceived as two very different identities. He taught me to be proud of my heritage. No matter how stern he had been in his youth, all I remember is the vigor and openness with which he laughed with me. I remember his bone crushing hugs in which he towered over me and held me close, almost as though he was trying to absorb me into his very being. I remember how he quietly observed me and my little sister at all hours of the day, as though he feared he would never see us again. And I remember that he called me Diya. In a soft and gentle voice, he would ask, "Diya, kamon achish?" "Diya, choroi bethe". "Diya, ki korchish?" Diya, Diya, Diya. No one will ever call me by that name again, but how lucky am I to have been called that at all? Iodine, pomegranate seeds, jackfruit, and load-shedding. Funny little reminders that Dadun loved me with his entire heart and soul. How fortunate am I to have experienced that kind of precious love?

Dadun, amader porer jibone abar dakha hobe.