I have learned that the best way to avoid punishment is to break
yourself.
Snap yourself fast, when the cops get to the scene you already
have given yourself a ****** nose,
justice never goes overboard and given how much punishment
you need you can change it.
Internal bleeding is impossible to measure.
No bull crap it needs to hurt.
When they leave you know exactly where the pieces are and put them back
no issues.
It takes the sting out of a shot to give it where ever you like.
I can’t tell if it’s because I broke myself so many times or
because I have sold myself or because I know my weak spots,
the pain shoots straight into my veins.
I’m no glass soldier.
If needed I could do combat with the greatest gods,
I have already seen the surface of the sun, surfed on a cloud
above the tallest mountain, been messaged by Jesus in a steam-bath
had the president treat me as equal all without earning half of it,
yet I did some kick-*** ****.
How much of what I did is only because of what came before me?
I would not have seen the things I have seen without my teachers
and saints. How much of a race is getting you to the line in
near flawless conditions?
Is the reason why my parents considering divorce doesn’t bother me
because— I or my parents or whatever combo have made me have a
bullet proof form or because I have never lost big enough to get scared?
Is the reason why I’m not scared because I have taken heavy punishment or nowhere
near enough or because punishment has always been a hit and run?  
I often too modest often fake modest often genuine
do you know how hard it is to be tell your own authenticy —
even in that question— when you know at once of your
brillance and that you lost your social security card at first chance?
Perhaps I’m just a tad dramatic, forgive me but I feel this all
I apolgize.

I thought .
I thought I was crazy.
I thought I was crazy because I was not satisfied with the life I was living.
Is it crazy to be in comfort while stagnant ? I couldn’t see the logic in being content with average.
Average people do average things but I had to realize the average man is not equivalent to authenticy of me.
I had to recreate my flow and turn every con I had into a pro but when you’re steady trying to exceed and fulfill the status quo
It’s easy to get bent of out shape trying to please everyone at one time excluding yourself and limiting yourself back to just another Jane doe.
Jane Doe doesn’t sound so flattering to me though.
I couldn’t see myself falling short of my own expectations so when I did …
it was time to end my show
I began to feel like a freak, a nuisance, or a mutated version of me
All I could see is me living on edge trying to please but majority of the time I never asked myself twice did my actions please me.
I thought I was crazy that nobody notices that you never cater to yourself but always see you as a random nurturer.
I thought I was a nurturer until I realized I was malnourished.
I thought I was nurturing but I was selfish and self destructing.
I thought I was building character but I was deconstructing that little broken hearted girl from the inside out.
I know I'm not that same little girl.
I know that I am who I know I am.
And I know what I am NOT.
Crazy I am not , determined I remain.
As I remain full of light , nothing will detain my new flame.

I am remembering
experiencing
all of the pain
all of the hidden memories
that I pushed so far back
to not remember
the pain
the anguish
the misery
still in my current life
so dissociated
still on so many addictions
to not feel
to not look at my pain
it feels so so big
but slowly I am looking at it
slowly i am starting to feel it
slowly I allow the memories
to pass through my mind and body
like waves
healing all the supressed pain and emotions
form my old religous abusive life
a past me that is no longer me
but still remains as a reminder
of my old pain
that still rings with remanants of it
in my current body
still I am learning that authenticy
is a gift
I am learning how to be honest
how not to hide behind the lies I tell myself
and others
how not to pertend when I am okay
when I am not
to be honest with myself
that the journey is long
and sometimes has pain in the process
of finding healing and loving the self
the mind the body the soul
it's hard to see the progress
from day to day
but to write it down
to look at myself with love with joy
with adoration
is huge
for so long
I craved humans so deeply
now I still do but I am learning that
the love that I seek
I can find within .
Balance
to seek it within
its a process.