there was this
guy, probably
not a day over
40 or so. he
looked like
everyone had
envied him in
a past life.
people at work
would just ask
if he was tired.
and he would
nod, knowing
that it was yes
and no at the
same time.

after he spilled
his brains out
in his wife's
beauty salon,
telling her he
was tired of
waiting on
everything,
they said she
went home and
put on a new
dress and that
was that.

when i heard
about it, i could
only lift my hands
in some prayer
to no one in
particular
that wherever
he was going,
someone
would ask how
his day went.

how final is it,
(i thought)
eternity?
i refuse to
believe it is
final enough.

after we have
accounted for
all of our steps
and have said
everything we
ever wanted
to say.

it is here,
after all,
where we
begin.

across the
room the
door serves
it's purpose
as a reminder
of being forced
in and out of
them, shoved or
carried. you didn't
want to go, none
of us did. we left
the lights on
as a reminder,
peeking under
the cracks in
the bottom
of the barrier.
the light was
a reminder
of a purity.
this girl is just
a prototype
of another
one and another,
i reasoned as i
nudged you
outside into
the cold and
lightless world.
your eyes kept
their pleading,
as a reminder
of innocent nights
sneaking into your
bedroom hardly
breathing and
knowing nothing,
holding her
head there, i,
i...

digging in,
the way your teeth crawl.
and latch onto my heart
or my hipbone, when we
do our thing. digging in,
like the first shovel into
the earth when burying
someone you love. you
remember how fresh
the soil is, and you think
it's ironic and somewhat
painful. don't think.
don't think. digging in,
and you whisper in my ear
like you're telling me something
no one else knows while you're
having your way with me, or I'm
doing something to you. don't
think. don't think. forget digging,
forget the hipbone, forget all
of your common denominators.
don't think. don't think. and
you won't.
digging in.
digging into fresh soil
like there's something
worth finding.

i imagine you are
here,
even now,
in this air.

it's funny,
being a child,
how you conjure up
people that
understand,
people that won't
let you down
until that
one final
reckoning.

i have felt that
reckoning before,
met it with those
eager eyes of youth
but i feel older than
usual, older than i think
i should.

i know that i am feeling
and not feeling.
i know that i am alive
and not alive,
yet somehow i hope,
and only hope.

i will ask you if that
is enough.
you will say
"yes."

i had asked the thing
if i would be forgiven.
i had to shake it out
of her. she told me to
concentrate and ask
again.

i wondered if we were
really apart and if i had
pushed you over there.

i decided not to push
my luck in asking
that.

i imagine things you
will never say to me,
but i prefer to think
that you already have.

it is something warm
on days like this in
october, when the sun
waits until noon to grant
everyone else its eye
but your house and your
heart are cold
as ice.

that ******* red
jacket you let me
wear.

i told her i wished that
i could give you something
in return.

i wish i could grab you up
and bring you into
some light.

seeing yourself pressed naked
against a window, remembering
everything that you love
is not sad so much as it is
exhausting.

you had asked me why
i wrote sad poems, almost
like you knew the answer.

it made me think about
how exhausting it was
to be near you.
how ******* you left
a bitter taste
in my mouth.

and, in yours, too,
if we're still
being honest.

i threw a ***** towel at you,
after we had finished it.
you said,
"i'm exhausted."

i thought about how sad
you really must have
been.

i had loved you so well,
and still do. you are
my brother,
i will be waiting, at a
distance, for the chance
to do something
noticeable.
maybe i could write
something, i
thought.
i didn't remember
that you were
settling,
back then,
when we first knew
each other,when i gave you
every inch of what i'd
hidden.
back then,
you were waiting for
something older,
friends you had known
and loved and
could love, again.
i am writing this
and my heart is
hurting me, you are
only the first person
to never lie to me.
i can't need you.
i can't need you.
i can't need you.