October is a **** terrible month
it's a bitter bile taste on my swollen tongue
ladies and gentlemen: gather 'round! see the horror film
it's about the play out before my eyes.

Cereal nearly drowns in a bowl and
I swear to God it tastes like tar
and ashes, but I didn't know that yet
not yet, I thought I'd slam that old broken door and
watch the sunrise.

My phone illuminates, you say
"I'm on my way to get you now"
Why? when I know I'll get there sooner than you
"Did no one call you?" you're outraged and
my ceramic breakfast bowl threatens to shatter at my feet
when you tell me.

Backseat of a car that was sold two years ago
my body smashed between my niece and
the door, I wish I could open it and roll out
while we're on the highway
because I know the hospital is close
too close.

I don't want to write anymore because the sun
mocked my emptiness with its rays when I just
wanted to see it climb the sky.

You can be my mouthful of pills
to which I’ll say: “One day, I’ll be clean”
Clean of you, clean of this
because I’m an obsessively tidy person

You can be the needle in the crook of my elbow
that pumps life through me while I lay comatose
Asleep, but awake; gone, but here
while my mother cries alone after the accident

You can be the crushed up aspirin in my palm
and I wait in the darkness for a summer sunrise
Rays burn flesh, fires on fiery hair
Maybe the drugs are enough to cool my skin

You can be a phantom limb, a phantom heart
and steal away my thunder, lightning, and rain
Take me: silent, fearful
drive me across the oceans in your Honda Civic

You can be the record that plays inside my bones
and the music the waves that I float upon facing the sky
The lake, the green waters, your green eyes
undressed in that car after we danced to the bass in our chests

You can be the cruel voice inside my head
that whispers secrets about prophets and flames
Day and night, sleep be ******
my lord, I would never take pills to rid myself of you

A pounding heart bangs against the chest that has it incarcerated
It screams and cries and begs for a swift and humane end
Ambles towards the edge of the cliff and awaits the moment it finally takes the plunge

Fingers shake relentlessly, an earthquake in the bloodstream
It animates bones and ignites nerve cells in the worst way
Evaporates only after it devours every last ounce of precious serenity

Tears cascade from eyes that threaten to burst from their sockets
They flow like raging rapids and slap against the innocent riverbank
Steal away every meager thought of calm that comes into contact with the waves

Lungs fill with lead and tighten around that choked breath
It constricts and confines the air that surrounds, strips it of life-sustaining oxygen
Creates a misty, obscure world full to the brim with shapes and outlines that confound the mind

Words tumble from quivering lips that wear false confidence and clatter against the floor
They fall heavy out of arms and scrape against bare porcelain legs and draw blood from old, scarred cuts
Break bones and ribcages and hopeless hearts and never stop to consider an apology

Anxiety assaults without warning, without trepidation, takes its tribute relentlessly
It crashes into the room, a drunken roommate draped in liquefied poise on melted legs
Pounds at the door, shocks awake, then leaves all possessions in disarray and never offers to help clean

I could never be anyone's dream girl
because I mostly keep to myself
and I find comfort in that way of life
my world is an island
and people are the sea
true, it's lonely
but I know I am home

and I could never be anyone's dream girl
because the ferry runs everywhere but here
it brushes up against the shore but never stops
because no one desires to visit
I bury my head deep in the sand
and my heart deeper still
hey, sometimes clear blue skies warm my skin
they cut through the torrential rain and storms
and those skies and that sun belong to me
just like the downpour
it's all mine
it's all me

and I could never be anyone's dream girl
because I chose this life
I cut myself off from civilization
from humanity itself at a young age
I’ve removed it from my life like a useless limb
I’ve ruined those I might have loved
once upon a time
their lifeless bodies float out in the endless expanse of ocean
my kisses poisonous, my hugs constricting
but my departure and coldness held the blade
and I twisted it inside of each of them
like it was a game

and I could never be anyone's dream girl
because I **** my own happiness
and that of others
just by existing
and just by existing alone
I could never be anyone's dream girl

when he tells me to stop
i suppose i have to
but he does not control me!
not in any way does that boy control
a **** thing about me

only my heart, as if i would listen to it anyway

when he yells
he does so in whispers, murmurs
when he's ecstatic
his world explodes with sound
so i know when he's quiet
that's when i've ****** up

and oh, i consistently **** up

i hate him
i love him
i detest him
i adore him
then the day ends by the moonlight
and begins anew with the rising sun

i always love him by the time my head crashes against the pillow

his music
my words
his portraits
my photographs
his father
my sister

his heart, my heart, our hearts are basically the same *****

his words
my songs
his photographs
my art
his history
my father

his world, my world, our world is all our own, all alone

his laugh is magic
his logic is constantly flawed
his voice throws me off balance
and his attitude enrages me
god, do i love him
*******, do i hate him

adore, detest, treasure, loathe, who cares? it's all ours

dear, *******, love, *******, sweetheart, idiot

who cares?
it's all ours

home, home
what is home?
where do you go
when you've got no real home?
when the tears block your sight
the interstate stretches to your right
and it's blocked by the lights
and you pretend music soothes your hands
and your feet that drag you between lands
acting like you've still got a hold on that band
like you're something grand
like you've got it planned
like it'll work out in the end
when all that you love just breaks and bends
you think you've got one real friend?
yeah, you say you're on the mend
god, you're just a worn-out trend
little girl with no hope
at the end of a noose-shaped rope
claims she can't cope
claims she ain't close
to finding her home
home, home, what is a home?
i can't say, i've got nowhere to go
is it this house where i've grown?
the words of a song in my bones?
the heartbeat i've come to known?
the blood in my veins,
the quake in the rain,
weakness in the chain
of a life gone insane
too much pain
not enough power
is it my hour
to stop where i cower
and take back who i am and who i wanna be
it's time for you to see
what life has done to me
1 AM scrambling up trees
a bunch of kids who don't mean a thing
looking through the darkness searching for the king
god, i wonder where he could be...
we could be arrested for trespassing!
but, *******, no one thinks these things but me
i'm screaming!
but i'm silent
no use trying to fight it
standing in the quiet
brain wants to riot
drenched from the rain
crawl back to our rooms not knowing our names
you'd think we're insane
but i'm the only player in that game
home, home, what is a home?
is it where i go when i'm all alone?
or i come in silently
the girls trying to follow me
boys running far from me
roommate's asleep
tiptoe to my sheets
ain't no point to weep
honey, i know i'm in too deep
wake up, sunshine
tell the girls i'm fine
downstairs, where we dine
new meals all mine
sunday mornings smell of wine
but i'm too good, no, i stay in line
one more week, closer to home
but i'll still be lost, no one knows
home, home, what is home?
who is there when i've got nowhere to go?
with the stars in his eyes and the songs in his bones
yeah, he's the only one who knows
home, home, that's my home
the only one i could really know
and it's dumb and it's wrong
i ask him "where do i belong?"
he says "i know you can't stay long"
sings and plays all his songs
then we dance like it matters
the kids all scatter
we sit alone til the midnight shatters
dressed up in all red like i care
the silence is more than i can bear
on my skin the chill of the air
"i'll be here for you, i swear"
he swears, he promises, his heart he shares
but no, i don't believe he really cares
home, home, what's a home?
a boy in a plaid shirt, he's my home
maybe it's wrong, but it's what i know
and the gunshots, they just go to show
no one on this ****** planet knows
maybe no one really has a home

his voice is a calming ocean
but his touch is a raging hurricane
god, i can never find peace when it comes to him
adrift on his words, his melodies
his very existence takes me by storm with every single second
i adore him so and i swear by every god every worshiped
that i would tell the entire world
"hi, nice to meet you, i'm scarlet and this young man captivates me"
"and i know he'll do the same to you too"
i am so baffled by those around me
who see him as an enemy, a traitor, a devil
when the sunshine only peeks through the clouds when we're together
i am taken aback by this
how can you be so blind to his magnificence, bordering on perfection
and how could you not see the starlight coming from this boy?
he likes to think he could be jack white
without knowing that he's better
he would never tell me that he loves being in front of my camera lens
but i know
he tries so hard to be at peace with everyone in his world
in order to be at peace with himself
his music is magic and i will never recover
from falling into his strange little world, his strange little mind
his strange little heart and mine are part of one another
both adrift in this uneasy sea, looking for dry land, side-by-side

The boy who is afraid of heights
Takes orders through a metal box
And once he grew his hair out into
Those dark curls I despise
He found all the ways to haunt my daydreams and nightmares alike

The skinny boy with glasses
Got contacts a year later
He swims for miles and miles
And searches inside himself for the truth of whose hand to hold
Although the he once held mine every day

The boy with dark skin and lovely laughter
Will probably never grow up
He will probably always search for a girl's approval
And will continually lose that girl in the end
But he will be sure to make her smile

The boy who carved a cross into his skin
He thought he understood me and could fix me
But he could barely understand himself
And he barely hugged me
Even though he wanted to

The boy who plays bass
Will probably never be my boyfriend
But he's done more for me than all of them
Combined
He makes me question reality, love, life, myself
He jokes around with me and keeps me honest
He holds my hand and lets me cry and makes me laugh
He urges me to go on and to be happy
And he will always be there to do so

And I just wonder
If you ask yourself
"Is she doing okay?"
Do you assume no news is good news?
Do you think
"Well, she isn't ******* to me about how unfair and pathetic her life is
So she must not want to jump from the top of her building anymore"
Or is it much more simple:
You just don't think about me

they don't mean a **** thing
it's just words, decisions
made outside of my head
which, interestingly enough, is where the problem is rooted
these "risk factors" i supposedly show
what do they really, honestly signify?
that i'm mental, incompetent, a danger to myself?
words that a man in his fifties can scribble onto a piece of paper
and hand off to another man in his fifties
and it means the same thing across the board
because they apparently know what i'm thinking
how i'm feeling
they can see by the fact that i can't get out of bed most days
that i'm depressed
they know that because i hyperventilate over due dates and social situations
that i have generalized anxiety disorder
they conjecture that because i don't hesitate before crossing the main street on campus
i'm at a very high risk for suicide
i suppose none of these are far-off guesses
but my brain is not a textbook
and my thoughts are not teaching material
i am not a simple headcase!
i will not be simplified and generalized into the little boxes you've charted out
"here's where the depressed kids go"
"bipolar disorder falls here"
"eating disorders go in this corner to the left"
"watch the ones who want to **** themselves closely"
"it'll probably be a big show"
my thoughts, feelings, actions are not so easily categorized
yes, i've taken psychology
i know that freud claimed we're all acting on pent-up ****** rage
i know that skinner put rats in a box and thus proved behaviorism
i know that all of these men, they wrote papers and did experiments on how it's all inside our unconsciousness
my unconscious
i am not so easily uncovered
i refuse to put myself in a tiny box and let someone else dictate what is going on in my head just so he can receive a paycheck
i won't let someone pump xanax and prozac into me like it's nothing
i want to know that i'm not just going through a rough patch
i want to be certain that something is broken before i start fixing it
**** me or repair me
all i know is i won't go down without a fight

You fall asleep knowing
How much I adore you
And I fall asleep convinced
There isn't a single person that wants me around

a constant struggle
between being alive
and wanting to die

the
quiet
times
are
always
when
the
demons
claw
their
way
out

and you could rip apart
every
last
piece of me
but i would still see the sun in your eyes
the world in your smile
and the universe in your heart

we like to all pretend that we're important
but we aren't
not to a **** person

his world
is a whirlwind
and i just want to get twisted up in it with him
i would hold his hands in mine
in the midst of every record-setting storm
and, by god, i'm going to

Stop asking me what it means, what it means
Nothing I believe in is what it seems, what it seems
Stop trying your **** hardest to patronize me
I'll never be good enough til I float away at sea
I like to pretend that I'm stronger than they are
Like I can be someone written in the stars
Truth is I'm slipping, I'm falling, I'm sinking
And nothing can stop me from creating this feeling
I act like I'm fearless with no thought of hiding
Hold my head up in crowds like I'm not even trying
I pretend I don't care about the people outside
But this stupid **** scares me to the core of my mind
And it's nothing but wounds that I cast on myself
And it's nothing but silence when I'm crying for help
And it's pathetic and tasteless and useless to them
And to me it's my failings from which all this stems
If God truly made me he laughed to himself
But honestly I think I'm something born out of hell
A poison to the earth that I wish I could save
And the hand that with every word digs her own grave
I can't ask for help because it's all in my brain
Fabricated sadness like links of a chain
I wish I was someone with a grip on her life
Or at least the power to just stand up and fight
I never see meaning and I never see hope
I just see short comings caused by my inability to cope
And these words are just words, nothing more than before
And the photos were faded before they hit the floor
And neither has meaning, neither gets me anywhere
I'd love to be remembered but I'm barely even there
And I know it's all my fault and I don't do anything correctly
I can't create my own world and this one doesn't want me

oh, i wanna be strong
and i wanna be right
and i hope all this **** wont
keep me up at night

and i wanna be tough
just want to be real
and i need to stop telling you
just how i feel

i wanna break free
from the chains on my wrists
and i wanna stand tall
be able to resist

and i wanna give up
and i still wanna fight
and i've got to stop writing
all day and all night

and i've got to keep strong
and i've got to stay real
and i've got to keep quiet
you know how i feel

cause my eyes they are bugging
my hands start to shake
and this ****** bottom lip
starts to quiver and quake

and i've got these demands
and they're too much for you
and i'm nothing but ashes
i can't follow through

and you ask me to dance
and you hold me so tight
and i've got to stop shaking
just put up a fight

and i know you're just busy
you've got too much to do
and i know i'm just me:
and i'm too much for you

and i've got to stay strong
to you i'm not real
and i've got to keeping fighting
you know how i feel

cause my eyes are too wide
and my heart is too fast
and i can't leave what has happened
in the ******* past

and i can't see the screen
and the words are all gone
and i can't take this anymore
i've got it all wrong

and my fingers are shaking
you know how i feel
and my heart is still breaking
i'll never be real

and it's too much to ask
too much for you
i'm just a reflection
with nothing to do

and the keys are all mixed up
the words are all gone
and i can't fight this feeling
i've got it all wrong

and i've got to stay strong
and just put up a fight
and stop feeling like my feet
can't hold me up right

and stop screaming in my sleep
like i'm four years old
and stop searching in caverns
like i'll find pure gold

and stop relying on words
that no one will hear
and stop screaming with silence
eyes brimming with tears

cause i know i'm not strong
and i know i'm not real
and i know you're at home
with no clue i how i feel

and i'm watching the people
the girls are all pretty
i'm inside my cage
in a maze of a city

and i just can't be tough
can't put up a fight
when nothing i ever do
goes any sort of right

and i sing to my mirror
and i hope i can hear
and i want you to hold me
strike away my fear

and i'm swaying to rhythm
that doesn't exist
and i'm nothing without
my dear suffering bliss

and my back is still breaking
my head is still numb
can you hear me up there?
i know it sounds dumb

we both packed up boxes
left our town behind
and are meeting new strangers
who are out of their minds

and i want to be skinny
i want perfect skin
and i want to wear dresses
i feel beautiful in

and i want to be strong
and i've got to be tough
and i need your strength
i'm sorry i'm not enough

i've got to stay fighting
i need to be real
come find me down here
cause you know how i feel

and maybe as this air begins to chill once again
and maybe when the snow begins to fall on my head
maybe, god i hope, we can find a place to be
last fall and last winter found more ways to save me
but the spring dragged me out of the ground
and the nights ill never forget kept me around
and maybe one day i'll be able to fly
and maybe i'll fall, maybe i wanna die
and maybe i don't, maybe i'm just a liar
a child with no one, not even her own fire
and maybe i'm broken, maybe i'm lost
maybe i'm a mind that's been battered and tossed
someone, just hear me, and find me out here
keep me from myself, save me from the fear
i am so sick of funerals and rooms in all black
and seeing my smile in photos and taking it back
sweetheart, please hear me, don't forget about me
remind me of who i am and who i'm meant to be
i know you'll soon be gone and i'll be alone
but your heart is so pure where mine is a stone
and you're the air that i breathe every single day
and the steps that i take to create my own fate
and maybe i'm dreaming when i think that you care
and maybe believing in what's not really there
maybe inside me a good thing wants to break free
or maybe my own brain is just trying to **** me
god, i don't know anymore, i swear that i'm trying
honey, you're my lifeline, but something in me is dying

Everyone loves
And we all love with fervor, with ferocity
And maybe it's on accident
And maybe it's written in the stars
But everyone loves
And we know it's not right
It's stupid, pointless, reckless, self-destructive
We love and it rips us apart from the inside out
The butterflies have sharp-edged swords for wings
And slice our stomachs in the best and worst way
And we sacrifice so much of ourselves
And we think nothing of it
Just to see that person smile for half a second
And maybe it's appreciated
Maybe no one even notices
But everyone loves
We paint murals on the walls of our hearts with colors we can only see in that person's presence
And we cover them up with black sheets and maybe black paint
But they're still there
And maybe it's desperate
And maybe it's destroying us
But everyone loves
Yes, the world is broken
And it's bleeding and bruised and all around collapsing before us
It's absolutely crazy and we're sinking in it
But we aren't daunted
And maybe we all die some day
And maybe that will even be today
But everyone loves
And maybe those we love disappear
And maybe they're forever carved into our bones
But everyone loves
And maybe I'm wrong
And maybe it all ends ******
But everyone loves
And everyone loves wrong

i
need
one
good
reason
just
o
n
e

i will never be remembered
no one thinks to include me
no one recalls that i exist
at least, in some form
maybe not in a place where they can see me
even the one person i trust fully
seems to forget that i am still here
and that talking to him is what keeps me grounded
but he is too far from me to see this
and i cannot blame him for that
everyone keeps begging me to stay alive
to keep fighting and to continue like i have so much potential
i have this incredible future in front of me and i'm here working towards it
yet no one thinks to remind me what that potential is
maybe my destiny is finding a way
to die without a big show
because, let's face the facts
no one would come to see it anyway

So many people around me
I'm all alone in this crowded space
The tables and chairs even shy away from me as if I were plagued
But I know the truth and I know that I'm not diseased
I am brilliant, a fire that cannot be stopped
When I notice another person alone and think
"Wow I am not the only one"
The person they are waiting for makes an appearance and the lonely face breaks into a smile
The person I'm waiting for lives in a small house on his family's new land an hour and a half north of me
So I think it might be awhile
Before he comes to dinner

when i look into this girl's eyes
i see a reflection of myself
she just wants to be happy
but some days she would rather not wake up
she thinks she causes the problems
that rip her family apart
and she just wants to be strong like her mother
the woman that is the rock she wishes she could be
she lets the words of others resonate in her head
and haunt her dreams
she thinks she's a *****
because she was 16 and let herself be intimidated into loving a cruel boy
and everyone told her she was wrong
i want to teach her that there is nothing wrong with sadness
but there is everything right about happiness
i want to teach her that she can find it all inside her very soul
and that she can always find a helping hand
because someone loves her
and someone will find her in the darkness
and help her to realize that the ability to go on
is embedded inside her chest
i want to show her that death is not fantastic and elaborate
but that life can be exactly as beautiful as we want it to be
if we can just light the spark

I miss holding your hand as you drive us across town
And rubbing your shoulders when you're stressed
And cuddling against your chest no matter what time of day it was
And basically everything about us
And I haven't even left yet

i'm too young
to know
to understand
a ******* thing
i'm just wandering blind
as if i might just run into a solution
i'm 19 years old, for ***** sake!
shouldn't i be to the point where i can reach a revelation about who i am?
should i not be past the point in which i spend countless nights crying
wishing that i could possibly slip out of this life unnoticed?
no,
here i am again
writing ****** poetry that i wish i could let someone read with my true name attached
no,
i'm stuck in a rut
stuck in a place where i will never change, never become more
although the entirety of my existence is wishing for that
every single cell inside this body is convulsing with the need to be something
more
than just me.

I think it's weird
Because I was going to marry him
And now I see him sitting in the backseat of my best friend's car
And he's smiling and he's happy
Which is all I ever wanted for him
I'm not sad or anything
I'm not even regretful
He and I could have never made it out alive
It's not that we're different
We're both too headstrong, too angry
Too much for one another
When he pushed me
I always pushed back with more force
No, I don't wish for a different outcome
Because I quite like my place as of now
And I think of all the things you and I have done together
And I don't miss him at all
But as I see his face in the backseat of the car pulling away from my house
I suppose I just wonder
What the future truly holds

Once upon a time
A boy said hello
And although I was stubborn
And would not have believed it then
It remains to this day
To be the best thing
That has ever happened to me

my skin feels warm as i think of you
gripping my hand as you drive across town
holding me and rubbing my back and telling me
"you're okay. it's fine. you're fine"
even though i hadn't said that i was upset
i think of your fingers one by one
marking an abstract path across my arm
and the fact that, even when i push you away
you are not daunted
you always remain
you are never far away
and as i prepare to move into this new life i have somehow tricked my way into
i know you will always be at my side
i think of the weekends you'll spend there with me
and that we'll fall asleep in each other's arms
and the summer we are about to embark on
cannot be anything but together
your return to catholic school cannot take you from me
my falling south cannot keep me from you
the cord will always stretch
but it will never break

Hearts don't beat out of chaos
And no one's heart beats alone
You are not fighting on your own
I know there are often days
in which you struggle to evacuate the covers
and you may feel lost and abandoned
But I will still be there.
This isn't one of those "when it's convenient for me" promises
because it is always convenient for me.
I will always adore you
and support you and fight for you
I am not one of your imitation friends
that do a complete 180 the moment you pass through the door
I am not one of the girls that haunt your heart
that could not see the magnificence inside its darkened recesses.
I would never see you as a bad person
because you are the sunshine that fills the sky today
and you are the reason I continue to wake up to see it.
You destroy any evidence of unhappiness inside of me
and replace it with pure light.
You are the most beautiful of melodies.
I know for a fact that I cannot do this without you
and maybe I'll end up a boring old housewife with two kids and an SUV crossover and no bestselling books
but you and I both know that future is not set in stone.
That suburban nightmare may come to pass and even if it does
I will still love you.
I will still adore you when the clouds take over the sunshine I cling to
and I will still treasure you when I can no longer see the sky.
You are not inherently evil
You are not a bad person.
You are mine. That's all you are.
And whenever I think of you I think of happiness and sunshine and warmth
and without that
I would be broken
I need your happiness to survive
so keep that wonderful smile on your face.

i am not passive
i do not fear the volume of my voice
i do not shake when i state my opinion
and i do not whimper when someone disagrees
i was not raised as a lady
but as a dragon
forged in fire and taught that
genius is ingrained inside the marrow of my bones
and there isn't a human alive that could take that from me
i do not sit back
and allow another to take from me
what is rightfully mine
i will fight with every fiber of my insides to remain whole and unbroken
i will not succumb and i will not falter
i am small
but i can move mountains

My heart
Is stitched together with your beautiful name
And for that
I'm so sorry

we dine like kings
without eating a thing
when there are those little monsters
that lurk on the back of every package
in the back of my mind
every moment
of every meal
every day
numbers that most people don't concern themselves with
figures that terrify me if they're greater than 300

i am an eighteen year old girl
i might not be a child but i am **** well still growing
i am maturing and i am developing
my brain is not complete yet and i still at times act as i did three years ago
i know that i need a good night's rest
healthy exercise
and enough protein, enough calories,
just enough in general to maintain this gluttonous body's structural integrity

some days i glance into the glass
and see a girl that i wouldn't mind to be
see, i know i'm funny, kind (at least sometimes), knowledgeable, intellectual, cunning, brave, loving
and i know that there are a handful of sadomasochists who love me for that
but i can't help but notice
the imperfections of my skin
the way i wouldn't mind if that boy saw me naked again
if i didn't have so much for him to see
and how i know that i can make myself less
if i lessen my intake

written on my mirror in marker is "fall in love

with yourself"

and it is advice


i'm not sure i can take

i'm starting to think
that our hands
simply belong together

her heart is out at sea
but her hands are busy at work
things that she really couldn't care less about
things she "needs" to accomplish
complaints are voiced so often
about how unfair and cruel life can be and
the inferiority clawing through the minds around her
but she battles her own demons
day by day she struggles but she still rises
and she puts on her armor and she charges at it
she isn't one to hide because she isn't the one to give up
she has always been enviable
but what about admirable?
there's a castle in her mind
with candles lit in every window
and the wind can never take her light away
she is beauty in the making even as she sits idle
she attacks the world around her and comes out victorious
with flying colors
her words are magnificence and her heart is determined
she has always been enviable
she has always been admirable

you always hear the metaphorical question
what if the walls could talk?
i strongly believe that if walls were sentient and receptive and could converse,
yours would whisper
"****, that girl loves him, doesn't she?"
but mine would lean in, smile, and respond
"yeah, but it's alright, because he loves her too"

valentines day 2013
i was still engulfed in the darkness
that so much defined me for those months of junior year
before the spring showed itself and we danced and i fell in love
you spent an hour telling me about your plans with her
and then kissed my forehead when i told you
how much of a joke the thought of me actually having a valentine is
valentines day 2014
i curl up on your shoulder
and you rub your cheek against my hair
i wrap up conversation hearts that say "cutie" and "love you"
and hand them off to you in the hallway
like a little secret
this love is much more than a little secret
we share headphones in class listening to cute love songs
and talk about learning to play songs by the civil wars together
and i wish i could run over to your house
and we could lay down on your bed under your wolf blanket
sharing song after song with one another
but i just want you to know
you're my favorite song even when you're silent

i was shocked awake
4:45 in the morning
to the sound of my own screaming and sobbing
i dreamed of your brother
running up to me in the hallway
in hysterics
telling me what he found that morning when your alarm sounded
what you had done
and i cried out, i screamed and i woken already in a fit
it isn't real, it isn't real
you're going to see him today
he is alive
HE IS ALIVE. HE IS FINE
i reached over beside me and found your shirt
that i forgot i was wearing so did not return to you
i grasped it and pressed it to my face because it smelled like you and
the dream felt so real and so terrifying because just six hours ago
you had confided in me that you could do it
but i will not allow it
i solemnly swear i will not allow you to die
the tears and terror eventually faded
and i wrote you a letter about how incredible you are and how i cannot fathom a death so tragic as yours
you would not slip out unnoticed
there would be chaos and unrest for years
because after all
a king cannot die silently
in the evening you picked me up from my house
told me stories of your day and that your mom likes to hear your stories about me
i wonder if your family even likes me but i would like to believe they do
we greeted your father WHO WAS SMILING; WHO KNEW? before descending down into your room
i collapsed on the couch and told you how rampant my anxiety was running
you joined me and i buried my face in your shoulder
asked you to read what i wrote
"i would love to read it," you said, lightly kissing my forehead
and after, you wrapped both your arms around me
one on my back and the other cupping the back of my neck
i nestled into your chest and you put your face against my hair
"i believe you," you whispered
believe what? that i love you? do you finally understand?
i just muttered good and relished the fact that your thumb was slowly rubbing my neck
and i just hope that you understand
that i would have never let go
our evening was spent with laughter and cookies and
i love that your sister actually thought of me because
no one ever thinks of me
i was sad to go when you took me home but i know that
i will continue to wake up day after day
and you will be there
because
"wherever there is you,
i will be there too"

my insecurity exploded like the sounds from the speakers we set up together
i wandered out the back door into the bitter cold
still wearing your red plaid button-up over my dress
the snow was coming down in flurries when you ambled outside after me
"there you are, i was looking for you"
please don't notice the tears freezing on my cheeks
you stepped up onto the concrete slab i was calling my home
"hey," you looked at my face "are you alright?"
****.
just tell him you're feeling faint. he'll believe it
"aw. i'm sorry."
you are so clueless. you never know i looked up at the sky and the snow fell onto my lips and melted instantaneously
"well," your arm weaved its way around my waist "would you like to go back inside?"
of course i do. i know how much this means to you and i cannot take it from you
i nodded and you hopped down, offering up your hand to help me down
then lacing your fingers with mine
your eyes shine brighter than you'll ever know
when you are so much as in a room with music that you love
i held your hand and leaned on your shoulder as we swayed together to the rhythm
you placed your lips against my hair and i swear that everyone else disappeared
i could have died in that very moment because ******
i have let myself fall in love with you
around 10:30 you set up your bass
a lonely speaker and your newly written lyrics
three people around you, and i, over in the corner on the couch
staring at you and knowing that if any of the others were to look up at me
they could see all the simple adoration pouring out of me
afterwords you told them about the story behind the song
the boy you wrote about and i wonder if any of them could tell
that the boy is actually you
because i knew before you even told me
as we left, finally
close to 10:45 when i expected to be home by then
you drove me across the street to where i was parked and i told you
i feel like a nothing
i love you with every piece of me yet sometimes you leave me in the shadows
and i know it's ******* pathetic but it's how i feel
"oh," you said my name, a beautiful noise in your breathtaking voice "you are everything"
everything? EVERYTHING?? how the hell could i be everything, even when you are that to me?
your head on my shoulder "you are my best friend. you are more than you could ever know"
it's the same for you. because you will never see how much i truly love you
"in the past few months, i have felt like ending it. more than once"
no.
"i just... i very much wanted to die."
no no no. holy hell, no
"and i would go to sleep on those nights... after, you know, chickening out"
and thank every god in every religious philosophy you woke up and came back to me
"then i'd wake up in the morning, come to school... and see you"
i am so glad you did. god. i couldn't do this without you. and i hope you know that
"and i would tell myself: 'hey. there is one reason to stay" you paused, and i was crying already. "for her.'"
oh god. oh god. oh god.
"so in many ways you have saved me. and you keep doing that. you never give up me even though you probably should. even though mostly everyone else has."
don't you get it? i would never give up on you. because there is no way i would be alive without you
and without you there is no me
"promise me something." your arm was around my shoulders and i was leaning into your chest, staining your t-shirt with eyeliner-soaked tears.
anything
"if i do end up..." you stopped. "you know, if i'm gone, i need you to keep going. continue, for both you and i."
you are the stupidest most wonderful person i have ever encountered in my entire life
i screamed at you, tears like a waterfall, streaking my face black
and you stared into my eyes, you brave soul
never would i be able to go on without you! never!
you are my lifeline
"and you are mine"
don't you dare leave me
you closed your eyes and nodded. "okay" you said, on the verge of crying yourself
i grabbed either side of your face and brought you closer to me
kissed your forehead and wrapped my convulsing arms around you
you can never leave me. i won't allow it
"see?"
see what? see that you're stupid because you don't comprehend your magnificence? see that you are clueless because you do not understand that at least someone in this world is hopelessly devoted to you?
"you are everything."
*no. you are.

you don't know your own power
when your hands are anywhere in my vicinity
or when your eyes are locked on mine
or when your words are slowly weaving through the air
from your lips to my ears
you have never understood
that you are magnificent
and i suppose i have to wonder why no one has informed you before
you have told me so many beautiful things
urging me to become a writer
saying i have a "gift" when it comes to words and that i need to pursue it
you told me that you love bodies like porcelain
"like yours," you added, which makes me ask myself
did you even look at me at all?
"seriously, i don't see what you're talking about at all" referring to my constant digs at my ****** state
how utterly unattractive i am?
"you are absolutely beautiful" your eyes are drilling into mine and i cannot stop my heart from swelling
yeah, well, so are you. more than i could ever be
you even used the word perfect
perfect: a term that, for as long as i have had the pleasure of knowing you,
you have abstained from including in your vocabulary
you told me once
(probably back in september when she was still around and
you were worming your way deeper into my heart)
that perfection doesn't exist,
not outside of the divine, of the god that you so dearly believe in
and i am quite partial to
so what does it mean when you tell me that i am perfect?
in body, in mind, in heart?
how could you think such pretty things of me and not see that it is all present in you as well?

i am the mundane
i feel so many things
but i spend my days attempting to conceal it
i have wings upon which i am sure i could fly
that i compress under the pressure
of my pathetic, self-inflicted inferiority complex
i am the mundane
i am not the spoken about
nor am i the one occupying any one person's thoughts
i may not be invisible
but i do not linger
the walls surrounding me are closing in and
my stomach rejects any thought of nourishment
my dreams keep shocking me awake but i cannot scream
i have so many stories to tell
but they all seem to pale in comparison
whenever someone else speaks up
i am the average
i am not ugly but i am by no means pretty
(although you would say "no, you're breathtaking" with a warm smile that would melt my frozen heart)
my words are by no definition astounding
but i thrive on them
(however you said once that my words are beautiful and therefore don't deserve to be read by unbeautiful people)
I have no quirks, nothing unique that I can boast about
(i wonder what your argument against that might be)
i stay idle in the same place
for hours on end
(but you give me validation because i am not lazy and i accomplish more than i give myself credit for)
i constantly find myself trapped in this hole
knowing full well that I dug it myself
but now, i can claw myself out
because i am not alone.

I am average (you see me as amazing)
You are incredible (you see yourself as sub-par)
I suppose we are two sides of the same self-loathing coin.

if i am a goddess
you are a ******* galaxy
with eyes like clusters of stars
that i could get lost in for centuries
and i nearly do
i want you in the simplest of ways
i want your entire presence
i want to kiss you but i still want to hear those beautiful words you say
because although you doubt me
you do articulate like a master
i want to hold you and fall asleep on your chest again
with your arm lazily draped over me and absently rubbing circles in my back
but i also desire sleepless nights
and barely audible conversations about love and music and happiness and life
laughing way too loud and have to quiet each other as to not wake anyone
i want your body and your mind
but if i could only have one
i would always choose your mind
and that is why i think i'm in love with you

you caused an array of natural disasters
to rage inside me and ravage my bones
the tiny ghosts of your hands
won't stop dancing across bare skin
that has never been seen by anyone but you and i
even with all the time i waste away focusing
on the scandal that has arisen from the two of us
all i really desire is you
in the simplest and most complicated, paradoxical way

the darkness of your house
this evening when we drove slowly down congress
it pales in comparison
to the shadows dancing inside my head
but the clandestine memories
of the earthquake caused by your hands
is enough to shine light
on even the darkest corners

i know how many smiles
must be shining over at that house
(good god, yours better be one of them. it's a perfect smile.)
while i sit here singing pop punk and indie songs
to myself, wrapped up in a blanket that still has your scent to it, and imagining
that you would harmonize these words with me
and you'd sit on my floor
churning out random chords on my guitar that you said was
"perfect for indie music."
i haven't eaten a ******* thing in six hours
or so and i don't intend to
because i'm getting that rush again and my brain might be
rolling to a stop on the treacherous slopes of my anxiety and
the silence of my house that is its breeding ground.
i believe that we are something astounding
and inside these rewired bones of mine, i feel
that you and i could do anything
so long as we had one another
but you're five minutes north of here
as you should be, giving thanks with a family that loves you
(i know they're overbearing, darling, but they only care for you and want the best for you.)
(and i love them too)
and isn't broken apart,
forgetting about the sad 18-year old's existence,
or dead and gone,
like mine.

you teach me on a daily basis
that i do not have to chase perfection
to the corners of existence
to the places where reality and dreams mix and mingle
and that beauty is present
even where the mirror on the back of my door cannot show it
you laugh when i criticize myself
because you do not understand where i derive these insecurities from
you simply say,
"but you're beautiful"
and i offer a small smile in return
that stare of yours pierces me to the very core
drags me by the forearm, dances me around, and devours me whole
all i can see are your hands and i find myself retracing the paths they have taken across my skin
and im grazing my own lips, trying to recount every single time they've come in contact with yours
you may not explicitly create a sense of self-worth
inside my twisted little head
but you remind me with every passing day
that i can find it somewhere deep inside myself
and so i do