sometimes i wonder if we ever step outside at the same time,
look up into the same sky,
and inhale the same first signs of autumn at the same time,
200 miles and too many missed phone calls away.

during those delicious first few months, your touch
was like a bomb against my skin – blowing away my hard exterior,
opening me up to a life lit with emotional confessions
in hotel bathtubs and the occasional good morning kiss.

your touch now feels a little too nuclear.
i can feel the effects of the poison in the way i view the world,
because i can’t seem to look up in a classroom without
wondering if you might be there.
it feels more sadistic than poignant.

sometimes i wonder if you miss me, if you regret anything you said -
like how i was too feminist, or how i was too heartless,
or how you criticized my outfits rather than telling me i’m beautiful,
and how even in those last few moments we had together,
you tried to pin me inside your box of expectations.

sometimes, i ******* hope i bombed you, too.

what is death? a
middle-aged man
in a volvo, collecting
payments and
favors?

i met him once on
his road trip from
new york to
california. i imagined
death streaking across
america, the way the
ground shakes and
swallows its people.

i didn't ask him anything.
i was afraid of his answers
but he keeps files on every
living being and sorts through
them when he gets bored,
picking people off like flies.
i figured he had heard
about the likes of me
before.

is death the object of a
mid-life crisis for a god
who got a little too
close to the sun and
got his feelings hurt?

maybe that is the
answer after
all.

he left me at a truck stop
off the interstate
in anniston, alabama.

i didn't catch his name,
but i think we'll be
introduced again
real soon.

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom.

Forget
Forget him
**** him
his words, his dreams
Forget the bad dream
a ***** in her road
"**** happens"
and he was
the **** in my life.

darling,
don't you wish you knew?

that somebody, some angel or devil, will give you a shout out from above
just an alert to tell that your world will fall apart?

so very soon....

and maybe you could have smiled at the bullied kid and given him your peanut butter sandwich
you could have enjoyed every bits of information flooding in your brain
you could have treasured every test, quiz, and teacher
you could have told how beautiful your mom looked today
you could have told your dad that he will always be your role model
you could have given a small kiss on the cheek to your baby brother
you could have hugged your best friend a bit tighter
you could have felt the rain pattering your head
you could have told a stranger that you want them to hold on, be strong

darling, you could have, didn't you
before it all evaporated?

I am calm today.
Tiny feet kicking me from the inside out.
With beauty and innocence.
What will you become my child.
A killer or a saviour.
A lover or a despiser.
Will you be ginger like me..
Or dark like him.
Will your eyes be green like mine
Or black like his.
will you love me or hate me like him.
I will teach you to love all things my child.
You are already blessed.
I am your Mother.