All I can remember is rough hands and a warm touch.
The hands weren't rough in a bad way, they
were rough because of the work that had devastated his palms
and his finger tips.
All I can remember is the dark nights and the glare of a tv screen.
The tv played episodes upon episodes of shows we never payed attention to
not because they were boring, but because we had
better things to look at.
All I can remember is warm afternoons in your living room.
We clung to each other under thick blankets even though the summer heat had set upon us
and the sunlight fled into the room through the large extravagant windows of your large extravagant house.
You had practically grown up in a mansion,
while I grew up in a neighborhood older than my grandparents.
All I can remember is tight embraces and the locking of lips that didn't quite fit right.
All I can remember is the words stuck in my throat because I didn't know when to speak in the presence of your friends.
All I can remember is the moment I realized that you and I were
so similar but in the presence of our peers, so different
All I can remember is the day you left for camp.
You said goodbye to me that afternoon as if it was our last
and in a way, it was.

I can't remember our conversations.
The more I try to remember what we talked about
all of those months the more I begin to remember
all of the silence between us.
I can't remember what our last kiss felt like.
All I can remember is that the day you last kissed me
it felt as if you were trying to tell me something,
you were sending me a message I wouldn't receive for days.
I can't remember fighting with you.
Ever.
And I think that has been the hardest part about letting you go.
I can't remember what it felt like loving you.
The actual emotional act of loving comes differently with different people,
and when it came to you, loving you was something I had never felt before.
And part of me is scared I will never feel it again.
I can't remember the conversation leading up to the moment you
told me you wanted to break up.

To the boys I have kissed

1- I remember kissing you like it was yesterday. We were watching a movie in a mostly empty theater and you held my hand like you were holding all your hopes and dreams. We exchanged nervous glances through the entire movie and finally we both looked at each other and time stopped. I placed my hand on your cheek and I leaned in, yes, ME. The girl. I made the first move. And that was that. Our first kiss. It would be the first of many over a two year period where we would fall in and out of love.

2- Our first kiss was outside of my house.m after a long day spent with my family. I walked you to your car and we talked while leaning up against your passenger side door. You were holding both of my hands, and I said something funny and you smiled. The next thing I knew you were leaning down (You were 6'4. Jesus.) and you brushed my hair out of my face, and you pressed your lips against mine. It was weird to say the least. You were my second kiss and I didn't know how to feel about it. Your lips were very soft and after a few seconds of kissing me, your tongue was in my mouth. It was our first kiss for Christ sakes. But with those same lips and that same tongue you would cheat on me. And thank GOD you cheated on me.

3- This time I was someone's first kiss, and to say it was memorable would be an understatement. We drove to the water tower so we could go take a walk. As we got in front of the tower, I stood on this little platform so I could see the sunset better, you stood next to me, holding my hand. And I turn my head towards you and you smiled and kissed my cheek. And you kissed my cheek and made your way to my lips where we experienced our first, and most awkward kiss. It was like my lips didn't fit right with his and I remembered he had never kissed anyone before. But I taught him how to kiss as time went on. He was so determined to be good at it. If only he was that determined when it came to loving me.

4- You were the best kiss. By far. No contest needed.
It was after talent show and we sat in your car and talked for hours about nothing and everything. You held my hand and we laughed and smiled, I felt like I was drunk-or high- or something, I don't know. At one point we were doing this thing where we would point at different things around us. And I pointed at something behind us and we looked with our faces inches apart, and as I turned to face you, you kissed me. You. Kissed. Me. My best friend in the whole wide world. The boy I had been thinking about non-stop for the past few weeks. You kissed me and I swooned in your arms. You cupped my cheek like it was something precious and I held onto your shirt for dear life. After we broke apart, our foreheads pressed together, we smiled ridiculous smiles. I never wanted to get out of that car.

5- I never should have kissed you, all you did was use me.
6- I never should have kissed you, you were just lonely.
7- I never should have kissed you, you were still in love with her.
8- I should never have kissed you, you just wanted the attention.

I kissed people that I regret kissing. Their hands were too rough and their lips were too forceful or too soft and I can't go back and undo any of it. But if there is anything I have learned from kissing all of these people is that I should only kiss boys who hold my hand first

I remember the exact day I met you.
We were going to exchange books at the Starbucks down the street and
I was so extremely nervous to meet you.
I mean, of course I met you before, we introduced ourselves in that same Starbucks parking lot and we went our separate ways.
But today I was going to actually sit with you and talk to you and I thought I was going to throw up on my way there.
When I arrived I parked my car and sat in there for ten minutes, too anxious to go inside and sit there.
Finally I got the courage to get up and walk inside.
I ordered a tea and I sat at a table near the door and buried my head in my phone, I thought he hadn’t come.
When suddenly I hear someone call my name. I look up and there you were, sitting at a table near the window.
You were wearing a button up, your sleeve was slightly unfolded and you had warm tea on a hot day.
How odd.
I went over to him and I asked how long he had been there,
He told me twenty minutes.
I smiled, apologized, then took a seat.
Little did I know at that coffee shop we would fall in love, and break each other’s hearts.

Being with you was like bathing in sunlight,
it was something I used to enjoy doing.
You made my skin feel warm, my heart fill with happiness and I could see you even with my eyes closed.
Some days you would bless my skin with beautiful color,
I would be radiating with the aftermath of your rays for weeks,
months even.
While other days you would cast a burn on my skin so deep that I could hardly move, every step, every breath painful
Your heat was so excruciatingly intense, but I don’t blame you.
You were so beautiful I hardly knew I was on fire.