countless of possibilities
to create, to be different.
countless of assurance,  
to be confident, be contained.  
countless within countless  
in this wide universe,  
where do I stand a chance?

ax

Countless reasons
is just a disguise
for rejection.

a.x

Even if I write a thousand
of poems and stories,
he will never know
how much he means to me
because he never reads
and will never be a fan
of novels.

a.x

could never compete,
for love is a war of hearts.
and your love is a battle,
I must not begin.

-A.X

All the thoughts in just one bubble,
if it wasn't for the help of a needle,
I would have been dead.
Safety pin isn't a saviour,
it is just prevention, a thing for intact.  
But who would have thought that
a needle could save a life?

A.X

Touch me and be obsessed with the roughness of my skin,
kiss it while sacrificing your sacred heart,
let me feel what it's like to have a wanted and pure love.
Pin me down like it's my first time doing it,
cause I'll never know.

-A.X

I looked at the stars,
hoping I could see a glimpse of your face
but you are gone
and looking at the stars would not
change a single thing for my longing.

-A.X

There's no absolute thing such as peace.

-A.X

your presence is the reason why I went mad.
I couldn't contain my love for you in just one corner,
it's all over the place.

-A.X

everytime I see you,
I can't help but smile.
You became my happiness
and what could happen,
if there's "us" in the future.
what awaits for you and me,
I'm stuck with you.
and it will last for a long time.


-A.X

To meet the brightest sunlight,
you need to see its purest dawn.

-A.X

I don't know where it all started?
is it the way my legs restlessly move when I'm with them,
is it the way I talked about deeper things or how pressured I am,
is it because of my presence?
I don't know where it started but all of them grew a distance,
I could not see them or maybe, because of my poor eyesight.
I don't know when.
I should stop kidding myself,
they grow tired of me;
listening to my rants, watching my legs move restlessly,
taking care of me.
Countless of reasons.

- Kate

Don't ask me how I am only to be followed by,
"How's your love goin'".
It's not cute, it irritates me.
I forgot about it,
I certainly could not even remember how an actual human touched my heart like my faves did.
Don't chat me all of a sudden just because you find my profile picture
pretty or stunning,
it is not who I am.
You might regret it, I have scars, not just in my body but it's all over me.
Embedded in my soul.
Don't talk to me as if you know everything and understands it,
cause everyone who easily accepts it, leaves.
Don't tell me I will be okay just because it did not happen to you,
I am not okay and it will take time.

You see, its easy for someone to spit out words and questions.
Tell you things so you can feel better about them, I get it.
You might admire for the way I look but can you even face the monster in me?
Even I, could not battle this.
what makes you so sure that you can
**** this?
You're just good to me because what I've been through but after that,
after you think that I might be getting better because of you,
I know you will change and leave.
So don't ask me these questions if you're not going to stay and be consistent,
It will end up in deep repugnance.

-A.X

should I or should I not

-A.X

but if I ask for one person to carry this baggage with me,
to help me loosen up,
to be my anchor,
would that be called 'greed'?
if I ask that one person to stay
and share his dreams with me,
or maybe,
could just be his companion
for life
would that be called a selfish act?

-A.X

You made me do things.

-A.X

as I embraced the loneliness
this night,
craving for iced coffee
with a pinch of love
given by you,
I solely agree that loneliness
is much more addicting
than caffeine.

-A.X

I never miss how passionate our kiss was, how intimate we are to each other. I just miss the warmth feeling coming from your body that screams safety and assurance and what fears me, is that I'm longing for something that is now gone.

A.X

I don't wanna fall in love
with physical touch,
skin to skin,
intimate actions.
If this love is valid,
if this love could give more meaning,
if this love is acceptable,
I would spend the rest of my life
wanting you.

A.X

What's normal for you can
be extraordinary to some.
some people enjoy things
unexpectedly,
but people who enjoy this normally
can call you ignorant.

A.X

Love can wait at the age of 19
but the thing is,
I can't fall inlove.
I fear attachments as much
as I fear death,
there is no guarantee that
I will be madly committed
with someone at 24.
I seek to be alone for
the rest of my life.

A.X

It gets a little hard sometimes.
knowing what to do and ended up being a total worthless person in a second.
When people meets a person with mental illness, you'll be labeled as someone "insane".
It's very hard for the people I know to accept the fact that the mind can get a little sick too.

Today, I woke up screaming out of fear and a kinfolk is mad at me.
I know I can't control it but why does it feel like it's my fault for shouting?
why does it feel like I have to blame myself?
Is it really my fault or should I just end this life, to prevent this from happening again.

-A.X

It's either I make it big or I end up losing, regardless of the outcome, I will continue. This isn't a race with other people but the desire to make myself happy and a better person.

winning and losing was never an option, needless do I remind that to myself.

whatevet it takes, regardless of the outcome.

I struggle to reach my dream.
to be known, to be remarkable.
because nowadays,
it's either you have to be beautiful
or you have excellent skills.
there is no absolute problem to that.
only the standards people setting.

-A.X

to you who sees,
you keep me going.

A.X

Art never fails to comfort me and so do poetry and warm words.
If art and poetry could comfort me in the very best way, maybe it could comfort you too.
Maybe, the pieces I created could help you see the beauty of what sorrounds you and the lessons in the past.
it's hard to move on and in order to balance the things in your life you need to keep going.
with that, I hope you see beauty in yourself too; beyond the roughness and stretch marks in your skin, beyond the unwanted fats, beyond all the insecurities and all the wrong doings.
I hope you see that there's life beneath it.

A.X

it may seem that life
has a never ending
circumstances or choice
but who am I to give up?

just like the infinite loop
of struggles,
I carry with me an endless
passion.

I cannot die without
a remarkable and unknown name,
I need to be known and be seen,
for I can't stay hidden.

-A.X

emotions are yet to be seen,
only the close ones could feel,
so do the real ones.
you are the definition
of mystery could never
bring misery.
I longed for your presence
as much as you longed for
peace.

A.X

a poke could ****
-A.X

only a few could
understand the disturbed.

-A.X

I'll no longer talk about,
the stars, the moon, the sun
You know very well
that you are as beautiful as
any heavenly bodies.

I stopped making promises,
knowing I could not keep them
but please tell me more about you.
How your day went
is my concern.
You are my current priority

Initials, flowers and any color.
you are a bunch of extravagant
heart beats yet
simple love will do.
Through diamonds,
I see your face shines.

through you, I saw a mirror
a reflection of me.
You made me do things,
no one else can.
Through you,
I became functionable.

I just wanna know how you did that.

-A.X

good thing that all of you are strangers to me,
no one I know would laugh at in this struggle,
no one I know would gossip about my misery.

they didn't care for me but they are watching my every move,
so they can laugh and gossip.
the people I know.

-A.X

Everytime I struggle,
there's no one;
nobody to calm
my worries.
no body to hug me.

Everytime I drop hints,
they can't seem to decipher;
they forgot how
and what to ask.
not a single one.

Everytime I binge,
stuff my mouth with food;
the shame would crawl
too fast until I finished.
I hope you're at peace.

Everytime I recall
all the horrible things;
every single one of them
forgets that I am dying.
that I can die tonight.

Everytime I overcome,
they would show up
when the struggles over.
who wants to be part of it?
none.

-A.X

I can't cry for help
because I was also the reason
why someone had to sleep
with tears in their eyes.

I wouldn't cry for help
because I know
no one would listen
even if I do so.

I shall not cry for help
because they would blame
theirselves, if they didn't
answer to it.

-A.X

sometimes I wonder what it's like to go back; where children my age never hesitates to play with me, when things get rough there's always a person to hug you, where I could get that peace of mind I've been wanting for so long.

I never had a childhood, even my cousins wouldn't want to play with me.
I never had someone to hug me when things got out of control but atleast I had my imaginary friend.
I had peace of mind even just for a short time and I am hoping I could have that right now.

I wonder what it feels like to be wanted.

-Kate

sunshine,
sorry to hug the
melancholic smile
of a moon right now.
I don't know if
I could come back to you,
how I wish I could.

-A.X

my passion overflows
with words
that could never
calm my anger.

-A.X

just say the 'magic word'
and my mind
will never be in silenced.

-A.X

you wouldn't want
to be caught
with this hands,
cause death
is the meaning
of being reeled in.

-A.X

I'm sorry I went mad.
perhaps, this illness
is a fatal flaw.

-A.X

it is like a sign,
a sign of misfortune
but in my case;
it is a person.
one or two
or just a couple of
people.
most of the time,
it is their parents
that forbids them to see me
and to those parents who
have enjoyed my company,
most of the time
their child becomes
one with the countless
faces of betrayal.
it is a win-win.
to risk or to not.
not to add up
the people I refuse to see.
perhaps
'no man is an island'
is a myth.

-A.X

round shapes are not
made for running,
so do the triangle,
heart, rectangle
and other shapes that
has borders and ends.
You're not meant to
run inside a specific shape
because there is
greatness beyond
the standard.

-A.X

Love is said
to be a strong word;
in order to say it
you need to have a strong
willpower and so must be
a present stable guts,
but Kind
kind is mellow, unshaken
waiting to be seen.
in order to do it
one must be ready;
ready for being torn,
ready for living below fear,
ready for everything
because kind is unshaken,
unbothered rather.

-A.X

I remember all the obsessive hugs,
notes and warm kisses
so I can prove how much I love you,
how much you mean to me rather.
And it's over now, not totally
but definitely heading there.
I want to stop the tears from falling
because I promised
that you'd be the last
yet here I am;
letting go of a promise.
maybe, even letting go
of what is meant to be.
because you're more than just a word
and a promise,
more than just a remedy--
you are my home
hence, the reason why I am lost.

-A.X

I am the very last words
you will utter,
for unrequited love aren't destined to be just a sad ending.
I am the profound being
of what you lost,
and I am also the meaning  
of love in your eyes.
but never will be in your
heart and soul;
for what you seek is a lost angel
like you.
I am a demon that invades
your mind,
the reason why you did not
and will never choose me.

-A.X