the way his eyes are glued to his screen
his hands never taking a break
but always breaking

his temper
when he loses a game
his happiness
when he wins one

he’s addicted
addicted to that little screen
that tiny stupid little screen
that stupid game
that stupid, cursed game

he has no capacity for human interaction
at his best, i get a wave every now and again
at his worst, i get a wave every now and again

it hurts
i can’t save him
i don’t know how to

I am just one of a doomed world
and I do not believe
my life has meaning.
Most people may find it hard to understand that
“our world is essentially a utopia”
is nothing but a deception, and
“society was made to fall apart”.
In thirty years time, we will be preaching to our friends that
they are not the most important aspect of our lives.
My government will realise that
my mindset will forever remain clear because
my ego
is more important than
my environment.
It will be known to everyone that
heretofore
the world consisted of nothing but happiness and serendipity in its purest form
but this will not ring true in my time.
This is a world doomed for the worst.
My elders warn me
My children will be born into a dying middle class.
I do not accept that
I will be working in a job that genuinely makes me happy.
Later in life
science will be useless.
No longer can we believe
our generation is actually going places.
It will forever be obvious that
my future holds as much as an empty glass.
It is sickeningly preposterous to assume
there is hope.

it’s like i’m watering plants
but the water is my blood
and it drains my veins
leaving me scarred and bruised

but hey, at least the plant is alive
- setting myself alight to keep my friends warm

every time i bring home an award
or a certificate
or a straight A report card

you say something along the lines of
“i’m sure _ did better than you”
or
“but _ also got an award; you’re not special”


this feeling of not being good enough
it hurts
it starts as a punch in the gut
as a result of me being proud of myself
and you violently extracting that pride out of me
strand by strand
after this procedure
it’s a sweltering feeling in my chest
like a million fires  
burning
aching
inside my heart
a desire to want to be good enough
to want to get your approval
to show you i’m the perfect daughter you so badly want me to be

then comes the disappointment
this is, quite possibly, the worst stage
it’s seeing that look in your eye
that look of dissatisfaction
the look of regret for bringing me into this world

if only i could be good enough

if only all these awards and straight A’s could be good enough for you

if only i could make myself good enough for you


but i can’t
and i doubt i ever will

and i’m sorry for that

- things i wish i could say to my mother pt 10