On the end table by the bed
A tiny Styrofoam cup
Full of unwrapped candy

In child’s writing
All caps and struggle

HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I AM SORRY
MOM

It is hard to stay angry
When you have an imagination

I picture her at a round table
******* a hospital bracelet

There are other people with her
Some have construction paper
Some have glue
There is glitter
And painted fingertips

I still get homesick
For places I have never been to
Sometimes miss people
I never even knew

There is a city inside my chest
It bustles
Pre pollution
But ***** is still legal

I have made homes there
You have a home here
In a city with
No hospitals
No graveyards
Just a cul-de-sac that starts at my throat
And double loops along my lungs
So many streets
My chest x-rays look like upside-down trees without the leaves

And when you leave
There is a house
Inside the city inside my chest
That stays empty forever

So much left behind
There is no room for anger to stay long

It exits like forgiveness
When you’ve given up all hope
When you can only reimagine so much

Some of these homes are condemned

Though it is hard to stay angry

My Dear True Love,

Though I haven't been in many relationships,
I know you are out there. I can hear your cries
and your laughter. I can see your smile and
your frown. You see and hear mine too. We
haven't met yet but I'm anticipating the day
our eyes will connect and love will fill both of
our lives. My Dear True Love, I write this letter
to let you know I love you so much, and though
we haven't met yet, I'm still waiting. Waiting for
the day we can finally be together.

Love,
Your James

She looked at me and said
I think you could be someone
Who I would want to cry at my funeral
Because you would have loved me forever
By then

Even in my nightmares
You have no clothes
And I wake cold-sweat
And my ***** is confused

It would be cliché for me to tell you about
The doves
Beating beneath my heart-heavy breastplate
Only most days I feel like a sad piñata
And I want you to beat the heaven out of me

I know what Satan saw
In his decent
And it was worth the trouble

It wasn’t you
(Conceited)
He didn’t see you

Just the passion
The things I want to do to you

Like a lynching
After being dragged for miles from a horse
By the throat
And called a suicide
Only because I didn’t try to stop them from taking me

I want to love you like I should have known better

I want to catch your breath like a harmonica
With my hand over your mouth
A bent note all heave
Slip between my fingers

Let’s be wrong together
Like a nun in a church
Playing I Want Your *** on me
As if I were a ****** pipe *****
Tuned to the key of hallelujah
With a distortion pedal set to laughter

She shook like a love letter
Dropped from a balcony
I didn’t offer my jacket
Just my arms
So much rusty bear traps
Their damp hinges closing is a lonely song

I want to leave here feeling like a shotgun shell
Thrown to the floor hot
And used for killing something
Like the time between now
And your next misfire

Even if we’re just friends by then
She says
I would want you to be there crying
I couldn’t imagine you
*anywhere else

Lisa looks like she’s stood a little too close
To Dante’s Fireplace
A *** soaked ham left in the dirt
Small crust spots where the skin broke

She’s stopped wearing her dentures
Looks like her face is sinking inside of itself

I was napping
Dreaming about a rock on a hill
That overlooks my city
Was dreaming about what the gun said to the mouth
About how the bullet wanted a kiss

Found her lying in a window
Like a fish whose bowl has just shattered
A bowl that has been ***** for too long

It’s a mixed blessing
The glass bubble burst
The blood

I keep my window shut
The smell of the *** I dumped into the earth
Creeps in
Juicy apple pie smoke fingertips calling

Lisa’s kids
They don’t understand the anger
Don’t feel the neglect until it’s too late

I patch up her face
As she begs
Just don’t call the police
Don’t call anybody
I’m okay
She passes out
On a ***** couch
The kids crowd their mattresses
So they can sleep near her

I think about something I read once
About a company called LifeGem
And how for a small fee
They can turn your ashes into diamonds
Enough for a necklace
Or two bracelets
Several sets of earrings

Even when you’re worthless
You’re worth something

I buy dinner before work
Something fatty and saltier than their tears

She would always say things like
YOLO
You only live once
And then have a drink
Or hang up on a police officer
Or shut a door

YODO
You only die once too
I know how I want to be remembered

With love they still wilt

                          
                                                                It's okay to let them go



                            
                                                                                                                                Plants don't have feelings

Too much change
Is bad for your heart
Weighs heavy in your thin places
Like locking your throat
While the bags under your eyes
Pull their draw strings shut to keep all that trash in

No one wants to know what your ***** laundry smells like
Not even you

And so much this feels like stepping into yesterday
Wearing brand new shoes
Where no matter what
The only thing I could have done differently is walk away

You give yourself lists
Of I can leave after
I fix the car
And throw away all our old stuff
After mom comes home sober but still broken
There will always be something or someone
You forgot to fix

But you will walk away from this
It will feel like heaven
Leaving all the dirt behind

Only heaven is more or less a line of people
Wondering if they turned their stoves off or not

Willie has an awkward gait
Looks like a man
Who can keep steady under the table
Wipes sweat off his face
With a spare shirt hanging from his back pocket
He walks heavy on one side because of calcium deposits in his knee
He’s a veteran he says

Still has his New York accent
He’s a man who looks like he’s seen some ****

You think you were living in a slum
Only two people stayed at the place I lived at
In New York
People prove they resilience

I help him lift a dresser

Gimme a sec man
Not that I don’t have strength
I’m jus getting old

We take our time
Paced steps
I give him a beer

I thank him for his help

When I heard the story and saw your brother and dad
My heart broke
Then I saw you
And it gave me hope

I am just glad things got a bit better
I say

He shows me his hands
He holds them like he is miming half opening a book
It is “Boat” in sign language

You’re always in good hands

I laugh

He wants me to believe him

It’s time to move the couch
I say