There is something about regret.
There is something about guilt.
There is something about honesty.

You lose the first two,
when you gain the second.

So my sleepless nights,
and my melancholy days,
have vanished.

I'd rather die than live a lie.
I've always been told honesty is the best policy,
but I guess that only applies when you want to hear it.

And it's funny,
but there hasn't been any tears this time.

it's been four years,
give or take.

i still drive down streets at night,
see one [or many] go out,
smile, and think of you.

i remember you telling me,
"when i die, i want to have control...
over something mundane, over a
small thing no one would notice."

i said you were crazy for planning
that kind of futuristic *******.
"you'll change your mind,
by the time you die."
that's what i said.

you died two years later, and ****.
**** if you didn't have control.
two years after that, i saw it.
a streetlight clicked off right as i drove beneath it.
it happened at the next one, the next one...
and at the next one? only a flicker.

you always loved ******* with me.

it's been two years since the first light,
but four years since you took control,
and didn't even say goodbye.

it's been four years, and i've lost track.
i've lost track of sips and blinks and tears.
all i can seem to keep track of now...
is how many streetlights go out in a row.

five.

I remember the look on your face
when you told me about your first time.
How it was messy and frantic and hot,
and not in the romantic way.

How all he said was, “My friend’s got something,” and left.
Left you lying there, frozen in your drying sweat,
wondering..."What's he got?

Left you bare, vulnerable against the world,
against the war raging inside your head.
“He was a Costco shopper, his friend,”
you will tell me between sips of gin.

I remember the first burn of whiskey,
as you poured it into your hand...
and let me lick it off.
Not in the romantic way.

All you said was, "It's supposed to burn.
That's how you know you're alive."
I wondered what it'd feel like to die.

You left me bare, vulnerable and bleeding,
lying there with whiskey on my breath,
while you waged a war on your body.
"This is how I know I'm alive."

i don't know who i am,
and i doubt i ever will.
i don't even know who i'm not,
because i change so often.

but i know who i wish i was.
christ, doesn't everybody?
we all do it, at least once:
"god, look at her. she's...
she's got everything. but,
i'd change a little bit.
and i would never do that,
or say something like that."

i wish i had more of a lot.
and i wish i had less of a lot, too.
i wish i smiled more, and laughed less.
i wish my window didn't scare me,
and i wish i wasn't scared of lakes.
[i'm not afraid of swimming,
or water, or even drowning.
i'm afraid of what's inside my head.]

i wish i had more self control,
but i wish i could let go and relax.
i wish i lived by my favorite quote,
"let it be."
and i wish i could take the middle ground,
and i wish i could love halfway.
but i'm an all or nothing type of girl.

i wish i was slower to trust and love,
and quicker to forgive and forget.
i wish i could stick to my promises,
and i wish i could live without regrets.

i'm not willing to change myself,
and i really wish i was.
it's too hard just hanging on to who i am;
i can't imagine ******* around with it.

i wish i could turn the page on some stories,
and start over again.
but i'll keep living and breathing,
through words and pictures, until the bitter end.

i wish i was the person everyone needs me to be.
i wish i was the person who didn't care about it.
but i'm always going to be the last one standing,
wishing on a shooting star, or a meteor, or a plane.

i wish i could tell the difference.

i always knew you didn't trust me.
i knew you had a secret agenda,
you secret agent you.

i love[d] you more than anyone.
anyone.
i trusted you the most.
ever.

when january rolled around, he was obsolete.
it's you, it's you, it's always been you.
you never let me explain; you don't want to hear.
but it's got to go somewhere, so.
here it goes.

i walked into a life i wasn't welcome in.
i didn't want you to fight for me.
i didn't belong, all my prescence did was cause chaos.
i was always ******* something up for you.

you were his, not mine, and it tore me up inside.
but i didn't want to do a **** thing that could...
take you from him. from your happiness.
take you from being content without being lonely.

to never make you smile, laugh, everything, was...
more punishment i ever thought i could take.
even worse? being the cause of your unhappiness.
i was always ******* something up for you.

you see, without me? without you fighting for me?
there wouldn't have been the fighting, that shower scene.
i never wanted you to fight for me.

you know i did what i did because i was batshit in love with you.
you know i did it because i didn't care about him, i cared about you.
unfortunately, that came at a price.
the biggest price i've had to pay, really.
i did it to keep you happy.

i didn't want to do or say anything that would...
[make you see your boy in a different light]
**** something else up for you.

i risked everything for you.
i gave up everything,
i gave up you,
for you.

one day, i'll beg.
i'll beg every god i know,
especially the ones i don't believe in.

i'll wish on every dandelion, every star,
to not have done what i did,
to have a second chance.

i've never begged for anyone,
i've never wished for anyone.
not even him.

so you see? it was never him.
it was always you. it's you, it's you.
it's always been you.

honesty may be the best policy,
but you know i'm always looking for a better way.
you know i'm always looking out for you.
i tried, anyway. there wasn't anything i could do
that he hadn't already done.

i wish i could say this was over,
and i was done,
but i can't give you up like i gave him up.

my epitaph will always read,
"she was my only."

every time i have to list one best friend, you're the one.
i've got others, yes. a couple or three.
but you're the one i always think of.

from back in gym class,
to sneaking out at night to the barn,
[you threw a toad at my face.]
to watching ****** horror movies,
to going to the outer banks,
to staying in grandy one weekend,
[just us and our vices for two and a half days]
to spitting on your barn floor just because,
to relying on luck to keep us from the cops.

from watching you get your tongue pierced,
to you coming with me to get all of mine.
from dealing with that boyfriend of yours,
to dealing with...the lack of mine.
from our future moving out plans,
to our rocky horror plans tonight.

that's us.
you're my number one, through and through.
you knew i didn't want to 'talk about it',
back in august,
you just brought me over and let me stand around.
let me listen to you talk.
that's the best thing anyone did,
that simple distraction was all i needed.

it certainly doesn't help that everyone thinks we're sisters,
our love lives parallel in the oddest ways,
and we just have too much fun together.
i can't put into words what you've done for me.
i mean it, when i tell you, "love youuuuu!"
i mean it, when i say, "best friend."

i do, shelby lynn. i do.

I like the way you feel,
when I’m *******,
shutting everyone out,
and you pull me in.

I like the way you say,
“Sarah, what’s wrong?”
or, hell, “talk to me,”
and, “it’ll be better.”

I like the way you say,
“Sarah, I love you!”
and, “want some?”
and even, “slow down!”

I like the way you feel,
when I’m driving,
crying my eyes out, and
you kiss me on the cheek.

I like you, and that.
That really *****,
because I don’t want you.
And I can’t have you.

So stick around,
you gorgeous boy.
I’ll take you as you are,
And never ask for more.

However, I can’t help but think…
your other suitors are no poets,
they're only actors who can play guitar.
Have I won your heart?