i don't want to write this.
i really, really don't.

momma, daddy.
i love you both very, very much.
but you guys make me cry.
you were supposed to be together forever.
i kind of always took pride in you guys.
completely opposite but totally in love.
except how you weren't, apparently.

i'm too old to blame myself.
too old to beg you to stay together.
i understand everything,
but it still hurts me.
i still hate it.

i blame myself.
please stay together.
i don't understand.
i hate it.

i don't know what else to say.
i don't like this kind of honesty.

good night.

it started out as a feeling,
which then grew into a hope.
which then turned into a quiet thought,
which then grew into a quiet word.

i dream of love,
of having loved,
of loving,
of being loved.

i dream about you every night,
although i may not always remember.
you're always, always, on my mind,
although i may not always know it.

i dream of you, and you, and you.
you're the one who left,
and you, you're the one in pieces.
and then you, you're the one in secret.

the one who left, i dream.
i dream about you night and day.
at night you smile and love to live,
during the day you're still bleeding.

the one in pieces, i dream.
i dream of you and your broken smile.
it isn't broken when i dream of you.
you let me fix you and your smile.

the one in secret, i dream.
i dream of you and that's all.
it's you and me and we're happy,
and that boy of yours stuck around too.

i dream in pieces and slices and shreds,
i dream in color and monotone,
i dream in quiet and i dream in chaos,
but i always, always dream.

my dearest [and only] mellieboo,

i can't tell you in words how i feel about you.
and i can't tell you in pictures, either.
i can't tell you anything,
because i never know who i'm talking to.

i fell for you, and i wrote for you.
and i cried for you, too.
sometimes i still think about you.
sometimes i still dream about you.

but mostly, i just miss you.
i miss that smile that made me feel alive again.
the laugh that told me you really weren't happy,
but you were willing to pretend for me.

i don't miss the broken smile,
or the harsh, choppy laughter,
or the see-through stare.
but i do miss you.

it still hurts.
i'm still waiting for you.
good night.

i’d give anything to trace your lips.
to paint them ruby red, tip to tip.
to be the smudge left on your glass,
to leave a mark on who you kiss last.

close me up, put me in your pocket.
i’ll go with you everywhere.
i’ll always be there, a twist away.
just don’t leave me behind.

don’t lose me on the subway,
don’t forget me in your room.
don’t go out without me,
don’t buy another shade.

i’m all you need, baby.
i think i’d look good on you.

honestly, i have no idea who to write about.
the people i don't talk to, well.
there are reasons for it.

and i'm tired of running to people all the time.
run to me, **** it.
stop making me chase you.

i could write about nicole.
about how we were friends and enemies,
and then we were nothing.

i could write about brian.
about how i wish i could help you,
but only you can help you. [i'm sorry.]

i could write about brookie.
about how i miss you so, so much,
but i'm not a good enough friend for you.

i could write about amy,
about how we really had something.
but we're too different, sweetheart. [i'm sorry.]

i could write about anyone, really.
i don't talk to anyone as much as i'd like to.
it's mostly what i don't say and can never say...
that says the most.

hey, j-girl.

it's been awhile.
i haven't seen you around lately.
i can't say i'm complaining, but.
maybe i've missed you a little, so.
you should stop me. i do miss you.

"the drugs begin to peak,
a smile of joy arrives in me."
that would be the song playing now.
i wonder who you'd be today.
where would we be, today?

i swore i'd never let you go,
but you went and walked away.
i don't love you anymore.
i can't love you anymore.
but i miss you, so much.

i went to prom,
i graduated,
i went to a music festival.
i danced all day.
i can't talk today.

you should've been there.
you'd like my friends.
there's one, in particular,
that i wish you could meet.
she's sweet like vinegar.

but i think you'd like her.
she's no stranger to blood,
and she could set you straight.
she's stronger than me, i think.
or maybe we're just different.

i don't know. she makes me think of you.
she's disappears, like you.
but she's always come back, so far.
anyway, i just wanted to say hi.
come back to me, all cleaned up.

you'd like it here.