She says to me, she says,
my eyes are bleeding.
She says to me, she says,
my nose is hearing.
She cries to me, she cries,
my ears are speaking,
they’re speaking to me,
and I can’t hear you anymore.

so i'm sitting.
[it seemed fitting, and…
well, life is different now.]
just sitting, nothing more.
i'm falling asleep; i'm sinking into my sheets.

but i'm waiting for you, because i've got this thing.
where i want you to know, every night, that i care.
so i'm sitting, just sitting, nothing more.
waiting for that moment he walks out your door,
so i can hear from you, and let you know
whether or not i'm doing just fine, tonight.

it's your birthday tomorrow, yes, that's right.
it's midnight now. twenty four hours.
what'll your eighteenth year bring you? hm?
will you dream sweetly every night? you deserve it.
at this point, i'm not even coherent, so who knows why
who knows why i'm even bothering doing this now.

but i couldn't let the 14th go by with nothing.
so i'll paint you a picture of me, right now.
my phone is in my lap, i've just sent you a text.
my legs are bare, crossed together underneath a sheet.
my tv is off, brand new is playing [of course] and
my desk lamp is on; it probably won't go out tonight.
my window is safely closed, locked tight, and so is my closet.
you know how scared i am of all my monsters.

my room's a mess; i couldn't find anything to sleep in.
[so i'm not, i have on a tank top and no shorts.]
and i've just gotten an idea. i like it, i think.
i think you will too.

i think i'm going to call it...

It makes sense that I'd find
the song that makes me burn for you
through the boy who keeps me sane.

It makes sense that, in time,
I'd actually mourn for you
instead just carving crimson lines.

It makes sense that I'd find
a tentative replacement for you,
albeit for a limited time.

It makes sense that I'd find
a way to never let you go
as long as I let go of my sanity.

The funny thing is,
your replacement?
Is ******, while you...
you were nicotine.

She's arsenic, while you...
you were simply rat poison.
You were Corona,
and she is Bacardi.

You were my lullaby,
but she was my morning's song.
Now Bacard is my lullaby,
and Jesse Lacey is my morning's song.

I know that this is what you want.
A funeral keeps both of us apart.
You know that you are not alone.
Need you like water in my lungs.

This is the end.

I will hold a candle up to you-
to singe your skin.
Brace yourself...
I'm bent with bitterness.

I know, that's not yours. But your song died
with you. The notes bled out, left behind stains
like the red in your bed.
This one is far more fitting for us now.

Where are we now? It's ironic-
'cause even when you're dead?
I still do what you want.
Keep you safe at night, I am.

Kneeling at the foot
of a grave I dug myself,
kneeling beside ashes
that I've burned myself.

Two feet under,
two feet across.
I sprinkle the ashes
of everything we lost.

I'll whisper at first,
wake you up slow.
But I can't keep quiet long,
as I'm sure you know.

So wake up, quiet girl,
from this slumber of sorrow.
The ghost of you should be enough
to keep me safe as I walk home.

No, I don't sleep well,
I wasted all my good nights
staying up with you,
and your threats, promises.

But don't you worry,
I learned from the best.
Bacardi is my lullaby,
so lay your ghost to rest.

I'll be back tomorrow night.

i woke up this morning with my heart in my chest,
only half-awake, and reached for the phone.
"morning, gawgeous, you awake?"
it's sending.

somewhere between being awake and asleep,
i remembered that's not allowed.
more panic set my arms on fire, i fumbled for the phone.
cancel, jesus. cancel.

i drop the phone, close my eyes, bite my tongue.
try to breathe.
i'm panicking still. i don't even know why anymore.
it certainly couldn't be any worse.

what do you do when you give someone everything,
they take it all, and give it back to you in pieces?
what do you do when you trust someone and they you,
but you find out they kept their own secrets and ideas too?

how do you say, i know what you thought,
when you can't say anything?
how do you say, i'm sorry, please,
when you can't make them hear you?

when do you say, i'm done trusting people,
they always run away?
when do you say, if you came back,
i'd never push you away?

i've made my mistakes, but you knew how i was.
you've made your mistakes, and i forgave you at once.
understanding doesn't mean **** on this side of the fence.
what happened to forever?

i never would've left.
so don't play the line everyone leaves.
because not everyone does.
the rest you push aside.

it's sunday morning,
and i would **** for a chance to drive.
get so far away from here, with you my dear,
that i'll never leave your side.

No matter what I say to you, hear this:
I will never go farther than arm's reach,
I will never go farther than you can push me.
And girls like us, well, our arms only reach so far.
Boys like them, though, their arms never let go.
It feels so right but baby, it's so wrong.
Learn to stand alone,
let him go and find your path,
his open arms will be waiting for you
when you come home.
And so will mine.

No matter what you say, know this:
I can only forget so much, but I can forgive anything.
My resolve weakens under your gaze, I falter at your words.
My kryptonite is none other than your own brand of special poison.
And everyone knows, after all, that the trouble with poison...
Is that it tastes so ******* sweet.

No matter where this goes, know this:
I let you in, you pushed me out, but open doors never close the same again.
You let me in, I walked away, and I know neither of us will be the same again.
Whenever you decide to erase me, I'll still be with you,
in the airwaves we came to love so much.

3 years is a long time. a long time for anything. 3 years of pain and fear and more than a touch of shame is a ******* lifetime. 3 years of breathing freely being a chore, dreading being alone, and wishing constantly for a dreamless sleep is hell. it never gets easy, only easier, and some days you wish for it to be your last. how do you explain not wanting to be alive, but not wanting to die? how do you tell yourself, one more breath? one more hour, one more day? you don't. you just keep going anyway. forever.