my throat dries out and
my lungs cramp up.
my hands start to shake and
my heart beats too fast.

you cross your legs and
lean in close, and i
can feel your corpse breath
on
my
skin.

i close my eyes and
pray you'll leave.
you remind me i
always begged for you
to stick around, for just
one
more
night.

you and i both know this
is not what i had in mind.
your bludgeoned thigh and
your massacred wrists
are not what i had in mind.
your starry-eyed gaze and
your ***** crusted mouth
are not what i had in mind.

why do you insist on
reminding me of a night
i didn't witness?
my imagination has created
a video that is all too real.

i see you and
i hear you
like i was there.
like it was all my
*******
fault.

i'm sorry i let you bleed
to death in your
own bed.
i'm sorry i let you take
one bottle of pills
too many.
i'm sorry i let you
asphyxiate on your
own *****.

but please, please,
you've got to let me
turn this movie off.
you've got to rest in
peace. [or in pieces.]

otherwise, i'll be joining you shortly.
but i guess you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

you did always think death was
so very, very ******* glamorous.

you know what i'm thinking about, now.
it was too hot outside to do much of anything,
and my car was on low fuel anyway.
[but i bet you didn't know that.]

and i hadn't slept the night before,
and i was ready to tell you that i...
i simply couldn't do this anymore.
but i knew how you felt about running away.

so i stayed, *******, i stayed.
and we ate ice cream with our fingertips,
and never spoke aloud what we felt as we did it.
has silence ever spoken so loud, bbluv?

and in fragments i remember our movie,
and the whole time i wanted to be closer.
so i sat on the floor, and you in your chair,
and wondered if you even noticed me there.

and then i remember hours and hours of night,
being irresponsible and [occasionally] flirty.
but we had to get up in the morning,
so we tried to stop our endless flow of words.

and i remember calling you after i wrecked my world,
and i paced around the house in my barefeet,
and whispered what happened, what i was afraid of.
i remember you mentioning my drunk texts, too.

and yes, i remember slurpees and wasting time inside.
not because it was hot ouside,
but because i just didn't want to leave.
i didn't get anything else done that day.

and i remember the feel of your bed, your pillow,
so different from the couch i had been sleeping on.
and i remember this look in your eyes, and i...
didn't know what it meant, at the time.

and, you know, i wish you weren't sorry.
for driving me away, i mean. that's okay.
but the way you did it tore me apart.
i'll be way too honest here and say it changed me.

i kept waiting for it to hit me,
day after day after ******* day.
you weren't coming back, not ever.
but still i waited, and still i wait.

and then, at the show, there was nothing.
i don't even know if you noticed me.
and that hurt me more than anything.
but i know i liked that your shirt was different.

and i also know i could understand.
because you said that last time,
and i got it, didn't i? i got it.
so don't tell me i won't. just don't.

tell me you miss our slurpees,
and you miss sweating by your pool,
just to delay my leaving a little bit.
even if it meant our legs got soaked.

and then you have to tell me this:
you don't want anything back, and
you don't want anymore late nights,
and you don't want anymore desperate phone calls.

and then i'll let it alone, and be okay.
and i can say this honestly.
because i know you, and i know...
it simply won't happen that way.

"but we both know this won't happen.
because i don't know goodbyes,
and i don't know severed ties."
i know you don't, so stop pretending you do.

you know, you're wrong about something.
you're excellent at leaving. you just **** at staying away.
but is that because, maybe,
you don't want to stay away from me?

so embrace october,
november, and december.
we'll exchange pumpkin pictures,
and costumes too.

we'll send pictures of thanksgiving,
and complain later we ate too much.
and we'll send anonymous presents,
and detail our new year's eve.

and then, what do you know?
we'll have come full circle.
and maybe, just maybe,
this will be yet another year of snow.

i wonder, did it ever cross your mind
to wonder how it felt to give my heart to you?
how it felt to break down my walls and bare my soul?

yeah, okay.
i admit that may have been a bit dramatic.
but i think that's just how it was with you.
i felt every word, every laugh, every smile
[and, truthfully, every carefully platonic touch.]
just a little too much to suit my cowardly self.

the thing is, everything you came from
[and everything you brought me, too]
was always just a little too much for me.
oh, but you know how much i like it when it hurts.

so, i let those walls fall down and i bared my soul.
i asked for nothing more than you could give,
and i gave you everything i could give in return.

but now, i suppose you never told me one thing.
you felt i wanted something more from you,
enough to take away the thing that made you smile.

but god, you know me better than the things you accused me of.
how many times and in how many words had i wished not for you,
but for the happiness i knew you deserved?

there is only so much i can say,
and even little that i can do,
to make things different.

and i have nothing left to give, anyway.
my heart is tired of beating, and my soul?
it's just tired of being pushed around.

so i'll back myself in a corner,
and watch the world pass by.
pray for you to forgive me and, maybe,
stop by and say hi.

You've got that stupid, capricorn smile.
Those dazed, half-moon eyes.
You remind me of honeysuckle, but...
you smell like lies.

A second glance is all it took to make me bend and break.
I took a step into your waiting arms,
and there was nothing waiting for me.
Just some soot and ashes from your charred, saddened soul.
Just some whispered confessions from when you lost control.

A simple touch is all it took to make me tremble and shake.
You make me sick to my stomach,
and deep in my bones.
It's like the sweetest dessert, laced with aspartame.
It's like I'm craving nothing but the air you breathe.

I always knew you were the one who made me feel so alone.
I just never knew it would be okay to feel alone without you.
I know I could never forget you.
But god, what if I could?

i'm concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, but we're still throwing the fight.
but i just wanna believe, i just wanted to believe,
i just won't believe, in us.

because there's a lump in my throat,
and i'd rather it be cancer than tears.
because there are tears in my eyes,
but i'd rather go blind than cry for you.

and then there's this portion of my heart,
it beats faster than the others, you see.
but i'd rather it be a defect than be from you,
and all of our talked about, moonlit dreams.

there are walls around my heart,
locked doors inside my head.
i'd rather choke on the key,
than hand it over again.

oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
and i know we loved it, fed on it.
we would've bathed in it,
given the chance.

we are entirely smooth.
slick with tears, [and blood, too]
we admit to the truth.
we are the best at what we do.

tell me, what did we do?
what did we do to deserve such a mess?
thrown together and pulled apart,
we are the most vile of verbal arts.

after all, these are our words.
we wish we wrote them down,
but they'll have to do for awhile.
at least until we figure us out.

this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
at two in the morning, or hell, even six.
this is the way we wish we could say:
****, i love you. don't let us melt away.

insomnia.
rapid heartbeat.
fever and chills.
breathlessness.
inability to concentrate.
loss of apetite.

i'm sure you knew what you did to me.
i'm sure you know i gave you all i had.
you made me sick, in all the best ways.
you were a disease worth dying from.
you did your job, tore me apart.
now stay the **** away and let me heal.

ah, sweet amnesia.