I've never felt anything like this before.
It's like my heart is too heavy to beat.
My lungs crave carbon monoxide.

My eyes dart over every passing car.
Every cigarette is another memory.
My car is filled with music my ears are scared to hear.

I yearn for something to dull the pain.
Anything.

This hurt and loss runs too deep, the river runs too fast.
I cannot cut or bleed it out.
I cannot dream or wish this away.
It is all too real.
It is all too soon.

If I had known being left and forgotten would be this bad,
I never would have opened up.
I never would have worried.
I never would have shared.
I never would have trusted,
wanted,
needed,
or loved.

I knew it was new and different.
I knew it was dangerous.
I never knew how much.

How could you have never said it was over?
I can see no "see you later"s in our future.
I see only goodbyes.

"with endless love, i left you sleeping."
tonight will be the last night of this.
i will not call out to you again.
this isn't giving up, promise.
this is simply moving on.

"now i'm sleeping with you."
it's a fight to let you go.
but, you must leave.
it's different, now.
am i sorry?

"don't wake up."
i don't know.
hi, jamie.

take me with you.

you may not like this,
but i'm done pleasing you.
i don't owe you anything,
when i'd already given you everything.

for years and years,
[maybe three, maybe four;
it depends on who you ask.]
i've respected your opinions and wants.

but now, when all that's left is nothing,
i refuse to do that anymore.
so i'm writing this for me,
and to hell with how it makes you feel.

[it's not meant for you to read, anyway.
and if you do, well. curiosity killed the cat.
you won't find any satisfaction here.
don't come back.]

it was tracks left by fingernails that started it.
teasing moans, broken and hushed.
a slip of skin between shirt and shorts.
a flippant, "you know you want me."
that's what started it.

i pressed a kiss to that special place,
where neck and shoulder meet.
you left your own mark,
nestled between the lines i carved.

it was the twists of our hands that ended it.
it was a whiplash of a cry when it was over.
high and reedy and out of control,
sharp and gorgeous.

it echoed through my blood,
reverberated into my veins.
[in fact, i think it still does.]
my heart pumped in time with yours,
our hips rose and fell,
that's what ended it.
left us both boneless,
left us both shaking,
left the eight ball rolling across the table,
colliding with the last stripe, orange.
[your favorite color.]

"i win," you breathed.
"you spoke to soon," i whispered,
"the eight ball fell first."

oh, and we were so close, too.

with every promise comes uncertainty,
and that's something i've never
been comfortable with so i'd
like to say, "i promise,"
and i'd like to say,

"forever," but you said, "fornever,"
and chased it down with
a shot of absolut plus
"and for always,"and then
i managed to convinced myself,

"i can handle tonight," and
you said, "i love you,"
so i said, "please, please...
take me down," and you
said, "how far?" so i...

showed you.

but i'm breathing better than i have in days.
and sleeping better than i have in weeks.

i know who my friends i are, and i know
who they certainly are not.

i carry no guilt, i carry no shame.
the mistakes i've made do not define me,
and i can sleep well at night knowing i live honestly.

i will dance badly whenever the mood strikes me,
because i've got people who will love me still.
i will sing loudly whenever the mood strikes me,
because i've got people who will love me still.

if this is happiness, i will carry it forever.
because this is having sadness, but not being sad,
having fear, but not being scared,
having shame, but not being ashamed.
this is having loved, being loved, loving in the future,
and loving in the past, all at the same time.

this is missing her, and missing her, too,
but not thinking about it unless i mean to.
this is grieving and being angry, but not so much
grief-stricken and furious.

this is losing, and having lost, and knowing i will lose,
but holding on and keeping it around,
because i know how i felt and how i feel,
and i know how you felt too.

this is how i feel, tonight, and i think
this might be what everyone looks for
when they peek around corners or
jump in front of closed elevator doors.

every single word you say weighs more than i can take.
every single phrase is laced with poison.
every question mark, exclamation point, semicolon? razor blades.

and i've never been the strong one.
that always fell on your shoulders.
and i've never been one to pick at scabs.
i hate the mess.

so i'll just lay here, and bleed all over your floor.
your favorite color is red,
and i know you like me dead.
so i'm doing you a favor, really.

you're welcome.