The rainstorm seemed to retire, but that was ignorant to think. I had expectations, nothing so dramatic. All I looked for was a promise or a resolution. You knew my true feelings, but you still wouldn't promise me what I wanted. I felt overflowed, like living in a darkened tunnel. Your own preciousness was silent. What I could have done with a few seconds more, but I watched you through the window. We used to sleep together like that. Now, wire fences rule my life. It is so so silent.

It’s like dividing signals, that is what amazed me. I have to resist the impulse to grab you and hold you. I still see you, slipped into the underlife. The faith of our bodies is crying a little. I love starting things, but I have to pause. All I can take is the greatest pleasure, a replica. I feel like I have a plastic bandage made of lavender. Anxious, with fire to fire, I will try to slip you into the night. As the sun rises and the day turns black, the cotton-fields stand in my way but I still see you. The inevitable is happening. We are reaching for death on the end of a candle, we are trying for something that’s already found us. We are like a storm or some holy dream. Calling out doesn’t do anything. The sound of glass speaks quickly and I’ve been down for son long that it looks up to me now. I have never been heard. I am troubled, immeasurably by your eyes.

i want you if
even for the
shortest moment
of time
even if knowing
our hellos
will also be
goodbye.

i want
you

to hold me.

Before I lay me down to sleep
I cleanse my mind of thee.
These striking thoughts
the stirring pots
of all thy childish glee.

Leave me now to my rest,
be gone from within.
Imagination, I’ll see you on the morrow
in sadness, joy or sorrow.

Nightmare Zone

I was in the station underground,
but so far away was a weird,ghostly sound.
I started to shudder, and trembled with fear,
for these strange, haunting sounds I did not want to hear.
They soon became closer, directed at me,
I started to cry, with my tears like the sea.
People were giving me strange, funny glances,
but I knew that I mustn’t take any more chances.
The train had now come, so I got on it fast,
and zoomed to the future, forgetting the past.
When I woke up, it was all just a dream,
but I had to be careful of how things may seem.
Sometimes I look back, but then turn away,
and I know I’ll be fine when the night turns to day.

You're so beautiful.
But you don't even know.
That's a small part of why I love you.
Our picnics in the snow.
I could die right here.
You said to me on the ice, that frigid night.
We laid there, in beautiful silence.
Your lovely face, the only thing in sight.
Time passes, and people change.
Feelings alter, things rearrange.
You did it on a lark.
We all know you're so impulsive
You know, we could try to make it work.
But in the end, you'll just find me repulsive.

Lying breathless on the cold bathroom tile.
I stole a glance.
You were happy, happy with a secret smile.

I want to scream for her,
cry with her,
hold her.
I’d die for her.

But no matter what I want for her,
it already happened to her.

Still, I’ll keep fighting for her,
and maybe he’ll apologize to her.

And I hope she can say:

I don’t need your words,
I have your actions.
I have no self-pity,
I don’t see the attraction.

I have respect for myself
and love from some others.
They are my family,
my sisters and brothers.

You are nothing to me.
Don’t flatter yourself
as breaking me down.
I feel no shame in myself.

You are the one I feel sorry for,
flopping around like a bug on the floor.

You don’t have a friend in this world
‘cept the mud and the grime.
Do you really think your words
can turn back time?

Well I have to fly now,
I have places to be,
things to do,
and loved ones to see.

I’m a full-fledged bird
who has learned how to soar.
I don’t have time
for small bugs on the floor.

And with that, she would turn
and fly far away,
leaving the bug alone
with nothing to say.

as you jiggle
nervously
in your seat
during therapy
i can only imagine what
is eating at you haley

no that’s not true
i know a little bit about it
for instance your mother
drains the medicine cabinets
instead of sink
the last months’ worth of dishes are still *****
she takes her pills with *****
because they are her water
rubbing her stomach clean with alcohol
yet she has never picked a rag up
to scrub the sickness from her house
red stains on your blouse
haley does she even know
what grades you got this year?
haley did she ever notice
when you dyed your hair?
to feel like you fit in somewhere
when you didn’t fit in her lap anymore

you come home from school
with scratches on your arms
and she never asks where they come from
so you tell her:
you feel like in a past life
you were a dartboard
because at school your peers play bullseye
with your forehead
and sometimes when they break your glasses
and you skip classes to do lines on your skin in the bathroom
with your walmart scissors
you just tell her you tried to kiss a stray cat
on the way home
and she actually accepts that because
she’s the one who taught you to play dumb

and at thirteen you’re still
suckin o  your thumb when you think that no ones looking
and though you don’t know it
the reason you do that
is because you’ve been drinking from a bottle
since you were a baby
and she never even attempted
to breastfeed

haley doesn’t understand
when i read her stories about the buddha
she just knows my voice
is comforting
haley doesn’t know
she has this inner peace
and all i want to do is
gather up her gashes
and put the pieces back together
haley doesn’t think she is lonely
but she thinks that i’m pretty
and she subconsciously wants
to make a mother of me

so at the end of the hallway
when she’s crying in the corner
because she misses freedom and light
i ignore hospital rules
and rush past the nurses
to hold her tight
and i teach her to breathe with her nose
close to our open window
and tuck her in when the bars
make shadows on the floor
in the moonlight

we sleep in beds of ashes but i know
that someday haley
will rise from this and grow
out of suicide
because in her sleep
she still hears me in her periphery
whispering of siddhartha cross legged under the bodhi tree
and how he discovered
life and death are not separate
and they each come accordingly
and right now she should just
focus on her breathing

and before i close the book
i also add that she’s beautiful
because it’s an important footnote
hermann hesse would want her to know

when i left she hugged me tight
with a tearful mumble goodbye
and when i walked into the sunlight
the two of us had dreamed about together
haley was still just a patch of phoenix ash
an egg hatching but i know her
and it’ll happen fast
but someday suddenly
she will realize she is
full of fire