So I'm
sad that
I can't
conquer
love
and to
think
a year
ago
I didn't
know that
love existed
or that I
could feel it
in my soul
like so

and the sun
sets in its
orange descent
but I see
the world in
mono-color
where I
stumble
as I'm
falling
(I'm falling)
apart

So in hope
of defeating
love, I'll sit
beside my-
self
in the
corner of
my room
and cut
1,000
paper hearts.

Long before the sting
of routine
came
the poison
bite of reject
bled into my veins
and killed me in 1000
ways,
every fang
and I wasn't ready for
a snap like this
dropped like this
turned up like this
this was our house
before Medusa came
and your snake eyes
took the night.

I told you
to put the masts up
to set sail
to the seas
of all you ever
hoped for

I told you to go into the
deep
into the rocky blue of
infinity
that is
nature's lullaby

And then I shouted to you to
let go
of all the anchors
the weights
the sandbags holding
you down so that
you could
float into
the night
without the burden
of your
pasts

and as I sank into the
hazy blue
the foggy murk of
uncertainty-
the final,
seventh sea
I realized
you had dropped me

a dash in a bucket,
a bead in an ocean,
a tiny piece who loves you and
is heart break in
fluid motion

it's then I learned I was the weight
and that your ship had been set free.

One day when
all your summers are
gone
and the heat of
lover's joy
subsides

you'll think of me
in every winter
drink
you pour
your bourbon and your
poison
lemon slice

And you'll wonder
if I think of you
and where it is
my sparrow heart
flew

but you won't find
a piece of me in
anyone
because I know that
I'll have
gotten over
you.

Before I start my
soul search
I have to tell you
that this self
hunt starts
with you
where inside your
eyes
a lullaby, a
cypress,
reflecting in the moon.
Douse me in your
moon glow
where I can drink your blazing
calm
where I'm floating in your
darkest sky
I've been yours all along.
Before I start my
soul search
and before the
sea foam holds the shores
I'm telling you
I know your soul
because mine's always
lived in yours

10 years and
I love you

10 years and
I'm waiting for your
call

10 years and
I'm haunted by an
evening in the valley

where I'm running in a
field and the dark begins to fall

10 years and
it's you, I can't
deny it

10 years
& your kiss still
tastes the same

10 years comes and goes so fast

10 years yours
I will remain

I tried telling myself
that love exists
but it's hard
when I've been lonely
so I felt that maybe
love was real
but not,
it's not,
for me

until I saw the way
your hands
can touch
and the way that they
can feel me
and I felt your
heart beat to my
name

All this while
I've been alone

and so far away,
you have too

Where is it that love grows? Goes?
when all sad songs lead to you?

So baby,
I am saying,
that out of all I
thought I knew

I was wrong,
I'm so in love,
and honey,
it's with you.

When you told me
I was beautiful
I knew that you
believed it
and when you
wrote me that
acoustic song
I knew that you
could feel it
Tuesday,
when you sent me
flowers, well
I knew that I was
important
but when you held me in your
arms
and you told me the Greek tale
of Orpheus and Eurydice
and you told me to look
to the moon where
Jupiter was floating
with Venus
all on the sky-stage
of dusk and star-
fall
well,
then,
I knew you loved me
and I knew I
loved you too.

You're rocking
the boat
and the white,
foaming rapids
beat
against the
stones

you're creating waves in me

and I know
that all rivers
search for the
fullness of the
sea
the silence of the
sea
the deep, surplus of
mystery that, I tell you,
is the
sea
&
I know they run
with ceaseless
hurry

but in moments,
when they're
still
and they're just about to
fall
Know that I am falling with you and you're
rocking,
rocking me

until above the rocks
above the danger of
metallic tides,
above the harsh
chemical dreams
of reality
that
polluted our
beaten minds

you and I will see the sky
open up
dusk open up
the world
open up and
we will find the
quiet of the sea

You are not
a sonnet
a love poem
an E.E.Cummings
inked in
abstract, charcoal
dreams

you're not a great poem
written by a great man

or a beautiful
cadence of
words that
flow so softly
from page to page

you're damaged
and troubled
and completely
unsettled
and the way I crave you
is annoying, at best,
and you're a mess of
fractured
sentences
straight-forward
predictable
unwieldy
phrases
and I
can't
stand
how much I
love you
in protest

On night's like this
when the air is warm
and heavy
and its humid shades
of green caress
my skin
the empty, shallow
pit of my stomach is
longing
and aching for a
sleepless night of
sin
and the orange glow from
my lamp is
overwhelming
while the blue
tv light fades into
the dark
and I imagine your touch
glazed over my body
where in this moment
I am not falling
apart.

You're dark blue
and I'm in love
and I don't know how to be
alone
because you're my seatbelt
holding me back on
every ***-holed
road

I'm afraid that you are
hiding

that you don't mean the things
you say

it's because of a history I have with you
that can't be wiped away

I'm afraid that you are
lonely

that I don't fill your lover's
wounds

that even when I sit with you,
you're in an empty room

I'm afraid that these are parts
we play

that this is all a grand old
stunt

and that I don't love you, nor you love me
and that might be just what I want.

My hands are
often filled with
paint
from days spent
at the
easel

and they're spent
avoiding any
talk with you
that might
signify the
end

and when you take my hand
and when you try to make it
better
I try to scratch the paint marks off
to look away from
you
any excuse to
look away from
you

I could hold my breath
for you,
live underwater-
fresh water-
the rapids
overhead forgetting
I exist
and close my mouth, open my eyes,
let the current push and
pull me

my love,
you're so intoxicating
you're so thrilling
you're so in tune
with everything I am
and long to be

I could jump in
Little River
and I'd still be able
to breathe

At the end of
the day,
when the city,
dressed in black,
is quiet,

I'll sit underneath
my blanket
and I'll close my eyes
to you

and while my eyes
are silent
and yours speak a
thousand words
the smell of your
cologne will
linger
and I'll be lost for
words

When it's summer
and the night is
slowly fading
I'll wait for you to
ease my soul

and I'll put
on another hot,
black *** of
coffee
and I'll let you keep
my sorry heart
you stole

The sun is shining
through the glass
and the twinkling city
lights are fading

and I'll think of you
and douse myself in
black

My hair, black
my nails, black
my clothes all stained
in the deepest black

and I don't have to explain

I'm reading a book
but there are no
words

the pages are filled
with lines and curves
while my mind
drifts, it
drifts
away

behind my glasses
it's foggy
behind my eyes
it's hazy
behind the text
the lines of text
You're the text
and I'm the crazy

Crazy,
staring at these words
but I'm not seeing
the meaning,
my mind
pictures you
here, and
commence
silent screaming

Because
on the next page,
it's you
and against the hard spine,
it's you,
when I close the book,
and close my eyes,
switch off the lamp,
you hypnotize,
my bare feet
find and take me
to my
bed

it's you,
and the softest place on earth
(your heart)
*it's you,

I keep peppermint
syrup in the
cupboard-
the top shelf
because I know
that you don't
like your coffee
without it

And though I never see
your face these days
and I'm already
drugged out
on caffeine,
I'll reach for another
filter anyway-
to feed
my broken hunger-
my empty,
tired,
longing,
deep-seated
hunger
in my bones
and I'll see your peppermint
sitting
on the shelf
alone.

This is it.

With you.

Fitzgerald's end and beginning
end and beginning of everything
next to you

There's no more sorrow

no more fear

no more of longing for you,
it's clear.

This is it

I've fallen in that ivy
patch where fireflies
romance

and every single breath with you
is the universe in
dance

this is it
and I've melted
into a swirling,
violet-blue

a pool from the heat of your burning
heart
and my unending
love for you.

What if one day
you awake
in bed,
white linen
grazing
your tattoos,
and you see me
asleep in these
pillows and sheets
and think
that I'm not for you?

What will you say
when time conveys
that I am just a single
season
that I'm cold, that I'm stone
That I chill to the bone
and sometimes
it's easier
when I
am
alone

what if one day
I wake in white sheets
to find that
I'm on my own?

I dread the day
where I look to
you
sitting next to me like
there's nothing new
to learn or
find in
me

Where my hands are
so familiar
and this old
routine is
dull
and you
forget I'm
loving you
with all my
aching soul

you exist in the
darkest forests
of my thoughts
the deepest,
Ash Grove swamps,
and I'm afraid
of the lines I
can't change
the fault in me
that remains,
and you losing the
spark when you hear
my name

Oh god,
I dread the day.

There's something stirring
inside me
billowing with every
breath I take,
every star-eyed
breath I take,
that's why
I'm so alone

I never meant to let you down
or push you into somewhere
where I know you can't
escape

and now I watch your
downfall
and I feel my own
fall
too
and I'm broken underneath your love
and I feel like I need you

and I know that it's not healthy
and I'm soaked in your cologne
I'd rather give you
all of me
than feel like
I'm alone.

On Saturday mornings
I sit in my robe
and I listen to the
crackle,
pop,
the steamy *** of
coffee brew
it brews, it brews, it brews
while something brews
in me

I turn the TV on
and I keep checking
my phone
and I sit inside
this stagnant room
and sort of feel
alone

On Saturday mornings,
I crave your love
and I know that it's not
within reach.

The world is
in pinkish hues
A constant
rosebud glow

When your love
is on my mind
And this feeling
grows

You're every black
bird singing,
Every shadow cast
In blue

You're a California
Poppy and
I long to be
With you.

I hope that when
you're with her
and when her eyes
shine like
brighter days

that the smell of my
shampoo
lingers in your
senses
and that my touch
comes to mind

I'll wait every day
and I'll pretend that
I don't care that
you're running back to her

and I'll tell myself
it doesn't
matter,
and I'll still answer
your call

and when the thick, burlap
hotel
curtains are
stagnant
and the AC's pumped
to full

I'll let your fire consume me
and then watch you go
back to her.

The roses are
in flower
and they're
climbing towards
the sea foam sky
where Aphrodite's
singing and she may have
played my song

the song where you are
dancing and your shoes
are made of something
that is causing my knees,
weakening,
melting in place
and bloom

how is it that love grows?
that roses grow?
that deep in the
drought of summer,
our cornhusk
baker-miller
summer

how is it my heart
expands
and grows
so feverishly
for you?

I've been running
in my thoughts
lately
wondering why I can't
conquer
you

after all the pats
on the back
and how
successful
I've been
means nothing

I've been thinking about you
lately
and why I'm not
smart
enough
beautiful
enough
her
enough
for you

and I'll lay these thoughts
down
on Cow Creek
where my legs
reflect the sun
and the skippers
hop the water
like they hope for something
new

you are the nest
and I'm the swallow
swooping incessantly
for you

The record's playing
out Italian tunes
Mina singing
from her soul
and I can feel your's
feeling mine

it's moments in
this velvet
chair
my dress reveals
my legs
and you admit that
you hate reading,
and I'm
not the same
at all

Mina's singing
from the stereo
Il cielo in una stanza

Thick, dense,
pine tree
forests, ash
grove trees
line the creek

where tree leaves
mask the summer
sky,
dance in their
canopy

the dirt is red
and green
and mud and
soft beneath our
shoes

I never meant to
push you, love,
or live trapped in there
with you.

I look into my
self to see what
I can find
my golden hands
cannot hold
still
clinging as they
dig

I want to fall
I want to fall so quickly
without time
to think

my hands are made of gold
and I am trying to look
within
but there is nothing left
inside of me
in gold I've
been set free

I'm not sure
what I'm doing
which side of
the fence to
choose

where I want to
live this life
and what I'd
risk to lose

I'm falling like
a meteor
more speed as I
go

I am fire,
lighting up
the night
crashing with its
glow

You told me it'd
be my
fault
if I gave you
my soul

if I held it
in my china
hands,
and gave it to you
whole

you told me it would be
my fault
and I know
that it's
true

I swear that I am
noble
but my downfall,
love,
is you.

The piano is singing
below your hands
and I can hum in
tune

I love to be a channel
playing refrain,
under
you

and still the drums
beat slowly
while I'm
masked in your
perfume

acoustic stringing
tenderly
beneath the
chiming moon.

So this is the requiem of
comfort
part II of
my play
it's the funeral of
ease and rest and stagnant
lazy
days

It's the eye of the hurricane
and I'm afraid of
the other side
of falling so
deep in dark grey rain
I can't be roused from
where I hide

this is the finale
the grandiose hurrah
where I am
leaving one life
to storm with
everything you are

theatre or hurricane
applause or nature's rage
you're act three,
act four,
act five, my love
you're the
endless
stage.

There are dreams
within me
softly humming
never silencing
their songs
that feel like
the space between
the stars
effervescently
burning

I remember when you told me
that
the universe is me.
That I am every
hopeful thought
and your dream's
melody

and I replied that you were
all the wild
flowers
in every
meadow
and every bright side of the moon
and the darker cast in shadow

There are dreams within me
softly humming
and their whisper never fades
out of all the things
you've roused in me
this song takes
the cake

When I saw you,
I looked into your
Eyes and
Found your soul

When I saw you,
You saw me and
I could
Tell you knew

Now everything is
Different
And I
Feel brand new

I've been changed
For the better but
I'm more
Of myself too.

When I cried
that I was lonely

and I knew that
you were far

I heard your breath
against the phone

you told me,
"you're a star,"

And I felt your
every pulsing

and I heard my
every sin

so alas I had to tell you

That you're the sky
that I float in

Today's the day
I fall apart
below the
lies I told
to find a
better way

where bands
of blue
are blazing
and I am
unafraid

& love exists
beneath
you
and in every inch
of soul
you give to me

On nights it's
humid & it's
dark,
where the heavy
sky is pressing
like it's tar and
like it's pitch,
when the clouds
become a
parachute
billowing with all
the heat of
June-
weighted by the
thought of the
impenetrable you-

I'll remember what you said
to me
about space,
and dust,
mortality,
& watch the murky
black sky
fade to blue,
I'll tread the
thoughts of sleep,
the hopes of dreams,
the need in all of everything,
the incandescent crystalline,
stars,
who found me you.

What do you do when it's
unending love?
When it's everything you've ever
dreamed that it
was

and the romance
is growing
the loneliness
slowing
and a glance is completely
enough?

What do you do when it's
downright desire
and you're held in the line
of your lover's hot fire

and the passion's
invading
seclusion is
fading
each birdsong is a
lover's choir?

How do I tell him that
he is above
that he's sweet and he's darling
and more than enough

without
offending
that my worship's
unending
and that I'm so
helplessly
in love.

So today's the
day where I've
decided to love
you
where I've bought
a moleskin
book, in pink
subdued
peony
hues
and

Today's the day
where I'm writing
to you;
and,
you
don't
even
know

And a year from now,
when you're all
alone
and maybe,

I'm alone too,

you can rest
at peace

& my love letters
will find their way
to you.

The trumpets
sound on
without your
touch
without your
voice and mine
duets bouncing
back and
forth
in harmony
and time.

Orchestras
play
without your kiss,
stringing lover's
song
a sea of bows,
and heaven knows
you've been mine
all along.

What if I told you
that I was in
love
and that all
the while I've
been lonely

that time has healed
(like they said it would)
but love remains
(like I knew it would)
so I'm in trouble
(of course, I would)

So I'm saying,
I'm in love.

I want to tell you
it all
I want the words to
pour out
cascade and crash
like waterfalls
like rain drops
like everything eventually
comes down, come down
with me

I'm humming to
Chopin
again
and the fan
is fast and
spinning
out
spewing
out
its quick
churned air,
its humid,
hot, and
sticky
air
and the piano is
derailing
i am trying
to defeat
love
and I am
failing.

So softly
sings the upper
keys
the ivory is
falling

beneath the gentle
arch
the dip and bow
the passion in your
hands,
your
joints,
your
sinews

the tender sharp
the chord of
every night
where chalky dreams
of ecstasy
in denim plague
my thoughts

Where
I'm on the banks
of Newton Creek
and you're never
far
behind

10 years goes so fast,
my love,
since we were
intertwined

I had to shut the
windows
because the summer
air was hot
and dry
and memories of
southern Oregon
deluged my mind

where I was in the
dale with you
the grassy
wheat stained
vale with you
and your hand held up
every hope of youth's
crusade

A part of me
will always be there
drinking honeyed
lemonade

How can I say it
in so few words?

I love you.