He sat on the rug and doodled a house
Using his brand new crayons.
Red for the roof, blue for the walls, green for the door.
He drew his mommy and his daddy and a smiling sun.
No one heard the door’s handle click open.
He never heard the screams, because when they began
He was already down, hugging the ground
Still holding his crayons.
Still smiling.
His parents would never see that smile
When in a week, he would have opened his red firetruck for Christmas.
It would remain in a box
In his parents' closet,
Never to be opened.

The moment of impact.
For an instant, you can hear the silence.
You can’t even hear my breathing.
Everything bursts forth--
The red, sweet liquid originating from the same point
Bursts to encompass all.
Did you see it?
The moment its flesh was pierced with lead?
It’s only the particles suspended in
air
that you remember.
You never saw them touch earth.
You only saw them floating
As if above us all.

Evict this woman from my brain.
She leans forward like a zombie
Unable to form words.
She cannot read and barely understands
That you love her.
Strapped to the bed, she fights to find
A fragment of who she was.
She wants to scream, but can only drool
Like a dog.
She wants to hold your hand and tell you
That she is still there underneath
And she wants to return.
But she can only sit and stare,
Her brain ablaze.

The nights change, but I still feel.
This one has your smile.
This one walks like you.
This one sometimes says hello
Like you sometimes did on Thursdays
In the rain (or some other cliché).
I don’t expect anything from them.
Yet I find myself disappointed
When they leave.
I shouldn’t’ let myself get weighted down
By these receding anchors.
They only wish to drag me down with them
And leave me without so much as a whisper goodbye
Or a promise that it could rain.

I can see in your eyes
That you’re trying to forget, too.

But we can’t forget these small moments
Of a lack of judgment

Or a moment of brilliance.

The warmth of the sun was the first to go.
Now, chills ***** my spine when I leave.
The concrete under my feet draws me closer
To another week searching for something
Beautiful.

Sitting on this bench, I see couples walking past
Fighting, laughing, kissing, or just standing together.
How simple it seems to belong to someone
And have someone tell you that you’re only theirs.

I feel alone in this city of lovers
Sharing their sandwiches and cuddling in the park.

They flash their smiles and laugh at each other’s quirks.
They have someone to snuggle with, when the night begins to chill.

I think back to the warmth of the sun
And remember when he called me beautiful.

The sound of the subway grinding past
Shakes to my core and quickly is gone.
A piece of paper flutters along the floor
But before long, it too is still.

In the end, I can see how it fit together.
You weren’t my someone, but you were someone
Who taught me to move on, to forgive, to look forward.
Sure, it ended with lost hearts but I’m different--
A girl who knows what she wants and who she deserves.
Now, I’m a person I’m proud of
Just because you said hello
To the girl next to the elevator.