I’ve seen the beast within, he only comes out after a few drinks and sin. I’ve heard stories and met him face to face, but wasn’t aware that he showed up in such a beautiful disgrace. A beautiful man with a mouth of fire, and eyes of ice, capable of setting a town ablaze all the while freezing their hearts. I’m no lamb, but my devils learned to talk a walk so long ago. Your issues are not mine, and I will not carry them as my own. But while the crowd is looking to lynch you, I’m looking to make you a home. Let out your demons, make them feel at peace. Trust me, it can all be so much easier than this. There can be peace, and your demons can live in a place without the muddy weight of hate bringing you down. And I want to say I’m sorry for the things that have happened to you, you’re so much better than the evil that resides in the poison that fills your veins. You’re so much better than the hate filled fire spewed from your mouth every time someone presses too ******* your skin and into your space. You can be so much more than the vacant void in those quiet eyes every time someone tells you that you are the world. Come make a home, and let your demons loose. They told me that they’re tired of being pent up, and would like to have a chat with you…

She asked me what color your eyes were today. I told her that they remind me of the sky and the ocean. I smell you in everything around me. Electrifying my skin but torching my heart. Scar tissue is building with every piece of ash that falls from above, as if these words you tell me light fire to the sky. I was content with adoring you from afar, but it seems that time has a different plan than I. He decided to bring the truth to my doorstep, while she’s trying to help me keep my footing. Your mask is so clever, guarding your head and heart. Protecting you from my words wrapped in lace and satin, in an attempt to soothe your venom filled mouth. And I think its time that I take a step back. I’ve tried to pull you alongside me for so long that my arms and lungs are getting tired. I’ll use these scars you’ve left on my mind as a map to keep from falling behind. And I’ll leave the satin and lace, as a peace offering and incentive to follow. Meet me by the water, where we can wash away these sins. Occupy each others minds in a different sense, but your scent still gets me every time.

It’s one in the morning, I’ll sit with my head in my hands replaying every word you’ve ever said. And you probably won’t remember, but I feel that I’ve only just scratched the surface of your skin. I feel like the sea, calm on the surface but a whirlwind underneath. I still remember the way your hands felt wrapped around my back. And the way your legs were intertwined with mine as if to calm my heartbeat that went so much faster than yours. I can still smell you on my pillow, and you still linger in my head. A stoic statue of a man who for 20 hours gave me a glimpse into the private showing of the film he created. And you’re right, for as many times as I’ve watched the day come and go I have no idea who you are when the sun comes up.

I’ll run my hands through your hair and gather the thoughts that make their home in your mind. Grip my thighs hard enough to leave the bruises on my skin shaped like misconceptions and sin. And I swear that I’ll wear down that opposition the same way you wear down my patience. But patience is a virtue and momma always taught me to wear white. Oh, these words are getting stale as they sit on my lips, struggling to break free while I tell you this. That I don’t need, but want. That I don’t like, but love. That I don’t feel, but crave, and ache, and want, and need, and love all at once. A walking contradiction dressed in makeup and curls. Run away with me, I scream from the top of my lungs while I stand on the pier. Telling my secrets to no one but hoping everyone will listen. I’ll whisper my secrets in that bottle you gave me and toss it in the ocean hoping that it will get to you standing five feet from me. But I’m content with friendship, and I’ll live with the laughs and the look in your eyes when you say my name. I’ll store them away for another rainy day.

Tell me to go home again, tell me that I look tired one more time. Maybe that will be the push I need. Ask me what’s wrong again. Maybe this time I’ll tell you that I’m tired of the sun rising in the northwest instead of the east. This time I’ll tell you that I so badly want to detox from the drug that is your name. Because every time I hear it, smell it, and taste it I fall deeper down the rabbit hole. Spinning and swirling down the spiral to get to your home. How can you be friends with someone when all you crave is the sound of your name on their lips. When all you want is their hands on your hips and in your hair one more time. Drink in my thoughts the same way you sip that cheap beer. Tired of those eyes that watch you like the preview of their favorite movie only to decide to save it for another rainy day. Pause, rewind, play. Repeat.

I don’t think I have ever had such a crush on someone and simultaneously been so unbelievably infuriatingly frustrated with them. Thinking of you makes me feel like my chest is on fire. Maybe it’ll help if you kiss me in the cold, or maybe  I’ll just put my heart on ice. Lovers want what they can’t have, and I’m in wanting again. You’re like wishing for rain in a desert. The lion chases the lamb but the lamb is just a little too fast this time around. I’m speaking in metaphors, but honey, we’re a walking cliche.

Lay on your back show me your scars. Think about how she made you feel, about the things you want to do with her and can’t. Think about all the things I want to do with him but won’t. Show me the road map to that war torn city inside. The war between your head and your heart have created casualties across the battlefield. There’s pieces of you everywhere. I’m trying to brace this storm. I forgot my armor along the way. Unbutton your shirt and introduce me to these soldiers defending your pride, they must be good at their job. I’ve tried to get them on my side, but I can’t seem to win them over. I come bearing no gift, no peace offering except these open hands of mine. Take off your belt and inhale, breathe in my good intentions. Shudder at my mistakes. Run your hands along my misconceptions, grab a handful of my fear and take it in. I’ll touch those scars around your chest and your hipbones, they’re taking me to her.  For I’ve come to meet the queen, the one who holds the key to the kingdom of your soul that I’ve yet to see.