I always had to remind myself
You were with her.
You chose her.

I went with you to get the ring.
And how inappropriate
That I be there
With you
To pick a ring
For her.

I told myself I wouldn't
Not anymore
I couldn't.
My heart couldn't take it.
Yet over
and over
I did.

And now I think of her.
And you.
And your son.
Her son.
Your family.
And then there's me.

I feel
For once, I really feel
I feel love
And life
And like everything makes sense
I want you
I need you
But I'm afraid to admit
I hang on
I'm holding tight
To that last piece of me
The ultimate vulnerability
Those three words
I can't say
Though it doesn't mean that I don't
I will that you know
That I feel for you
Things I thought not possible
Open and warm and alive
Instead of dead and cold
Closed to the world
I want so badly to say
I love you
But I can't
I'm still me

In just one breath
You speak words I thought I'd never hear
Just one breath
One drunken breath
Those three little words that should mean the most

You might not remember saying them
But you did, and I did too
And everyday I cling to those words
Those intoxicating words
As I start to question, like I always do

I replay those words over in my head
As we grow further and further apart
As we start to avoid saying those words again
It makes me wonder
If we ever meant them

And I write
I furiously scribble words on paper
Words of emotion, frustration, and anger
Anger with you
Anger with myself

The words I write, they liberate
They make me feel
The written word creates a world of emotion
That spoken word never could
I live vicariously on pen and paper

As I sit cold,
And silent
Hanging on those last words.

He used to come over and we'd ****.
Then he would leave,
to go see her.
And I would wake up alone.

Over and over again,
I woke up alone.
Always alone.

Forgive me when it's hard
for me to say, "I miss you"
Never mind saying, "I love you"
I haven't done this before.

I'm selfish
I protect my damaged heart
Because next time, it won't make it through
I'm terrified

Normally by now, I've said goodbye
For one reason or another,
usually one that I've made up to sound legitimate
And I leave.

I leave before you can,
and before I'm left alone.
Again.

I could love you, if you let me
I've been waiting for you
The one that will stay,
The one that will run after me.

You accuse me of being cold and detached in one breath,
then in the next I'm showing too much affection.
Pick a side.
I'm trying. Really trying. Because I think you're worth the effort.
But you can only expect so much.

You're drunk and I'm "your only girl" but sober "we should see other people" too.
I was fine with the latter until you proposed the former,
Stop playing with my heart.
You move faster and faster, but when I catch up you retreat.
It makes me want to run -- an old habit I'm trying to kick.

I get it, I'm leaving.
My timing couldn't have been worse.
I didn't ask for this, I never asked for you.
But here you are, and here I am.

I'm just a girl, a broken girl, standing here.
I'm not asking you to love me
Just asking you to be my friend
and to give me a chance.

Love is letting someone in. Letting them into places that no one else has been. Into places they could abandon without a second though. Love is trusting them not to.

I trusted once. I loved once. I was in love once.
But never again. Never.

I've been left. And I've been hurt. Yet I'm expected to pick the pieces up off the ground and just move on. "Everyone gets hurt," they say. We are supposed to wear our hearts on our sleeves and be vulnerable. We are supposed to be open to love.

I can't be open any more. I am breaking. I am broken.
There aren't pieces left to pick up.
I can't be open any more.
And no one understands.

With every hurt and every vulnerable moment I retreat. I've retreated to a dark place where love isn't welcome. Its a place for me and me alone. Alone and lonely. Two different things, that only some will understand.

Yes, we were drunk. Yes, I came home with you. Yes, we ******.

You put your arm around me. While we slept, your hand was right there on my leg; your naked body next to mine. The subtle touch told me you were glad that I stayed the night. It told me that you wanted me. And isn't that what we are all looking for -- to want someone and love someone and to be loved and wanted in return?

It has been a long time since I had last felt wanted like that. I'm not usually a "stay the night" kind of girl. It's better that way... safer, even. If I don't stay, there isn't time to feel wanted -- a feeling one could get used to. If I don't stay, there isn't time to get attached. Because everyone always leaves, right?

But your hand was right there on my leg. You were asleep, but your hand didn't move. It didn't move. We didn't move. We stayed in bed all day. We talked and watched Food Network. And you shared your bagel. With me. I was still wanted.

I wasn't sure that you'd call. I didn't want to get my hopes up. I didn't want them to be torn back down. You did call though. And I smiled. We exchanged some text messages over the course of a few days. We made plans for the following week.

It was different this time. We watched more Food Network, and we talked some more. The *** was still great -- mind blowing even. But this time, there was no arm around me or hand on my leg while we lay there. I stayed the night, but we just slept. Our naked bodies weren't touching... there were clothes in the way this time. We said goodnight and rolled over and went to sleep. Did you want me there? I couldn't tell. But I stayed anyway.

It was only once, but I got attached. Attached to feeling wanted and loved. Without the subtle touch letting me know you're there, the old insecurities set in. I want to run. Run away before I get left behind. Because I will get left behind.. that's how it always happens. I want to run for miles until the emotions go away and I no longer want you. But the emotions are there; I let my guard down and they took over. I just want to be wanted by you. By someone.